Growing up

"She wore lingerie like moonlight"

1928
Mariana's POV

A year came and went relatively unscathed for me
Tommy had left me alone
Any business came through Ada these days
As Polly cruised the world doing business for the peakys.

And shagging her way through most of it too
I had though she would have taken up with Aberama
He was a man who knew what he wanted
And he wanted her
That's probably why she ran away to casinos and hotels with airmen.

Michael hadn't returned
He hadn't wanted to after so long
Once you have a chance to get out of that family, I think you would be mad to go back

And look at me
All those years ago coming back to help them. And what did it cost me?
My family?
My love?
My mind.

I was virtually isolated from the man now
I spoke to Arthur
Ada
Pol
Even John when the wine took me

But Tommy was out of my life
So was his wife. And his daughter
I didn't even want to hear about them

Part of me was still bitter that he of all people in this world got blessed with a daughter whilst mine...

I guess mine was blessed too. Without me for a mother
To raise and destroy such innocent things.
Take Nala... take what I did to the girl
Untrusting of men. Trying to marry a fucking Sabini
Trying. But she won't.
I won't be wed into that family

Most days I felt like running off somewhere would be best. Best for my head
For my boys.
For the gangs still fighting. Maybe my absence would heal the world.

And that led me here
Sat in a field. On the caravan steps as Carter and Laurence played on the grass
As Laurence crawled around after him, struggling to stand.

Smoking. Smoking the troubles away as Alfie sat by the fire, silent. I had learned when to switch him off
When to take control over myself. Because he wasn't here
I was alone. Utterly alone.
And... free. Free sat here looking at the sky and the trees, feeling the breeze and not worrying about anything

About orders or problems, about people or family.
It was just me. Me and my boys
I knew it was there, all the thoughts waiting to crash in, you never truly switch off. Not really.
You just... put it off.
A holiday does nothing to people like us.

1929

"Leave me alone" Carter whinged
"You're going to school, you have to at least look like you belong there" I said
"Stop" he whined, pushing my hands away
I know he wasn't used to wearing a uniform but I didn't want him feeling left out

He should fit in with every other kid. Make some friends
"Maybe you should leave him be" Dorothy suggested
I sighed, letting him go as he ran into the hallway
"I just... it's hard... he's growing up and I just..."
"You wish he was here to see it?" She said
"Yeah" I nodded.

She reached across the kitchen table, squeezing my hand

•

"Bye darling" I smiled, waving as a teacher walked him into school
I didn't think this day would come so soon
And I didn't think I would be stood alone for it.

I headed down the streets, pushing Laurence along as I wondered what to do with my day
"Excuse me" a man said
"What?" I asked, he held out a piece of paper
"Mariana Cortez?" He asked
I eyed the paper, and him.

"What do you want?" I asked
He held the paper closer, so I took it
Not like it was going to hurt me
And then he walked away.
I opened it, to find an address
From an 'old friend'
Fuck sake.

•

I waited
Alone, wrapped up in my coat as the wind wrapped through my hair
Hills surrounded me as a caravan slowly made its way across the grass, horses slow and the wind loud
Before it stopped. And the door opened

Beads clacking against each other, children peering from the door as she walked down the steps
She looked... tired
Worn. A ghost of the girl I knew
I'm sure she thought the same as she stared back at me.

A smile creeping up her lips, one that was happy to see me but... sad.
"Si lašo te dikhav tu" she said
It's good to see you

"Mai mishto te dikhav tu, numa e nota s a s xantsi garadi" I replied
It's good to see you too, the note was a little mysterious though

"I didn't want prying ears to follow you" she said, dropping the Romani
"Well, I don't have many prying ears these days Esmé" I said

She neared me, pulling me into a hug
"You look old" she said
"Thanks" I said as she pulled away.

•

"I heard of your husband, we're not so different me and you now are we?" She said, throwing twigs into the fire
"We should start a group eh? Council women hurt by the Shelby's" I chuckled

"I heard what Thomas did" she said
"He has caused many deaths, he is the reason I sit here, widowed, feeding too many mouths" she said
"But he killed Alfie, killed your husband by his own hand" she said.

"Yeah" I said simply, looking at the flames
"We are of a shared pain Mariana, I know you feel the hurt I feel" she said
"Is that why you have asked to see me?" I asked
"Because I am unsure what it is I can do for you that others can't" I said

She smiled
"You've not been free for too long Mariana, you still think the same as them, that people always want something, that no one asks for someone without asking for something else" she reeled off

"And you don't? Want something?" I asked
She looked over at the children, John's children playing around with each other
Children I never thought I would see again.

"I want something" she began, before she looked back to me
"But I also offer something" she said
"And what is that?" I asked
"I want to go home. My true home, with decent people, with my people" she said

"And that is?"
"With the Lees, there's a quarry, a place where they go to rest, to stop the travelling, the searching. For peace" she explained
"Okay, and you're going" I said
"I want to" she said

"So what Esmé? What do you need?" I asked
"Money, people don't help people through good will anymore Mariana" she said
"Alright" I said
"How much?" I asked

"You don't want to hear what I offer you in return?" She asked
"Not really Esmé, you knew I would help you" I said
"I did" she agreed
"You loved John" she said
"Yes" I said. He was unlike Arthur and Tommy
He was a brother who would never betray me, not for any family code.

"More fool you" she said
"You loved him too" I said
"I don't want to talk about him, I want to talk about you" she said
"Then talk" I said.

"I have visions of you. In the dawns" she said
"What visions?" I asked
"I see a man, a man of shadow, watching you. Always watching you" she said
"So what?" I asked

Many people watch me. Follow me. Track me
"This man, is someone you need to find" she said
"Why?"
"Because every vision ends the same, the shadow drowns you" she said.

"Someone is going to consume you Mariana, you need to find them, before they find you" she said.

"An old soul is lost but not forgotten, they are with you, you fail to realise it" she said.

1930

"Put your coat away" I shouted as Carter began to run up the stairs
"No" he said
"Carter, coat" I warned
He groaned, turning around
"Don't whinge, you wouldn't even be home this early if you behaved yourself!" I shouted

"I didn't do anything" he shouted
"You hit a boy!" I shouted back
"He deserved it" he said
"No one deserves it" I said. Not a kid anyway

"I hate you" he said
"Yeah hate me in an hour when you want feeding" I mumbled
"Dad wouldn't shout at me" he snapped, I stopped myself in the living room, walking back to him
"What?"

"Dad wouldn't shout at me" he said, sitting on the step
I looked at him. Surprised. He didn't mention Alfie often.
"No... he probably wouldn't" I said.

"So why are you?" He grumbled
"Because you hit someone darling, and hitting isn't okay" I said
"Dad hit people, you hit people" he said
"Oh yeah? Where did you hear that?" I asked, crossing my arms as I leant against the door
"Kids at school talk about you, their mums talk about you, uncle Arthur talks about it all the time" he said

Fuck.
"Don't believe everything you hear, your dad, was a great man, and I... I try my best alright, to give you and your brother a good life, and I thought I had taught you that hitting was wrong" I explained, sitting beside him

"He said my dad was a bad man. That dad killed his dad" he mumbled
Oh.
"So you hit him?" I asked
"He's a liar" he snapped
"Yeah" I said, pulling him into a hug
"He's a liar..." I agreed.

Alfie's POV

"Paper, butter, weekly takings" Ollie said, placing the papers down before he took the butter to the kitchen
I said nothing
"Did you see anything new today?" He asked, returning
"Alfie?"
"You still not going to speak to me?" He asked
No. Not after he took away the only thing keeping me from blowing my head off.

"Come on Alfie, you're no use to anyone on that stuff, I've stayed away for months, can you at least speak to me?" He asked
"Fuck off ollie yeah?" I said

Ollie's POV

He was burying himself.
I had stayed away like he asked
After I took away the coke, he had beaten me until he cried, telling me to leave him alone, that he deserved to be alone.

But I'm back now, and still trying to talk sense into the man
To reach out, talk to Mariana
She was on a good track now.

And he... he wasn't.

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