Chapter 53

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Shehnaaz found herself entangled in a web of conflicting emotions after Sidharth's puzzling behavior following their breakup. Initially, when he approached her to resolve their issues, she had been resolute in her decision to not engage with him. The hurt and disappointment from their breakup were still raw, and she believed distancing herself was the best path forward. However, despite her initial dismissal of his attempts at reconciliation, a part of her had secretly hoped he would persist, proving his commitment to fixing their relationship.

Yet, when she expected him to take the initiative and come to her, despite her anger and uncertainty about reconciliation, Sidharth's behavior was far from what she anticipated. Instead of approaching her directly to talk or apologize, he chose to stalk her from a distance, observing her silently. This unexpected turn left Shehnaaz feeling confused, hurt and increasingly angry.

Shehnaaz and Madhu were invited to dinner at Madhu's friend's place. Her new friend in the building, Mrs Walia, was celebrating her granddaughter's birthday. The birthday party was organized in the house club in the building itself, Shehnaaz bought a Barbie doll set for the baby.

At the birthday party, Madhu introduced her to her friends and their families and began to talk about their lives, some new tv shows and their sarees like typical ladies. Shehnaaz just smiled and nodded, not really taking part in the conversations. She tried to immerse herself in the celebration, but her mind kept wandering back to Sidharth. The laughter and chatter around her only served as a stark reminder of his absence. Even though her mother tagged her along all the while, inadvertently left Shehnaaz feeling isolated inside, with no one to share her thoughts with.

As she stood amidst the cake cutting, she couldn't escape the memories of Sidharth. She remembered the day she met him at Sheena's birthday party, they clicked and became friends instantly. The back and forth flirting was the limelight of their friendship.

Feeling a pang of loneliness, she excused herself from the crowd for a moment of solitude. In the quiet corner of the lawn outside the club house, she allowed herself to acknowledge the depth of her emotions. Tears welled up in her eyes as she realized how much she missed him and still cared for him.

"Shehnaaz?" It sounded like him, she turned back to find him in his office attire. It looked like he had returned from his work now.

"Are you okay? Yaha akele kyu khadi hai?" He asked, he got worried spotting her in the garden area all alone. The fact that she was dressed up a little but her eyes had tears in them confused him.

"Mai thik hu, tu jaa yaha se." She replied, immediately tucking her loose strand of hair behind her ears and making her way back to her place. She stopped and glared at him when he followed her but then she realized he had to go through the same way for his apartment.

"Can we please talk?" He slowly asked.

"Kya baat karni reh gayi hai? Aise 3-3 din ke gap me kya tu points bana ke aata hai mere se baat karne ke liye?" She angrily asked.

"Actually, mai samajh nahi paa raha tha kya bolunga. I was-" he was replying when the elevator opened and a few people joined them.

Sidharth stared at her till they reached her floor because she couldn't stop him now, he noticed that the burnt patch on her hand had lightened a little but there were a few pimples on her face. Her usually vibrant demeanor had been replaced by a subdued and listless aura. Her eyes, once bright with laughter, now seemed dull and weary, carrying a weight of sadness that was palpable. Her posture, typically confident and lively, now seemed slumped and withdrawn, as if carrying an invisible burden too heavy to bear. Even her usual impeccable grooming seemed neglected, with unkempt hair.

His looked away when her gaze fell on him, not wanting to get caught but who was he fooling. She knew he was looking at her, she knew he used to follow her after her office but wasn't able to ask her because she'd immediately get into a bus or book a cab before he approached. She saw him outside her office almost everyday but he had only approached her once, her mind was filled with all kinds of questions.

"Baat sunna." He followed her till her apartment.

"Jaa Sidharth yaha se." She replied automatically.

"Tu baat hi nahi sunegi toh kaise chalega?" He sounded a little annoyed because she'd send him away all the time. Not that he expected a hug instead but it hurt that she'd just ask him to leave.

"Toh kya karu? Tu harkate aisi karta hai, kyu stalk kar raha hai mujhe? Tujhe kya laga? Mujhe pata nahi chalega? Mai teri car nahi pehchan sakti?" She challenged him. Letting him into her apartment not wanting anybody to watch them fight.

"Stalk? Mai tere peeche aa raha hu wo stalk karna kaise ho gaya?" He asked back.

"Stalk karna hi hua! Chup chap bas follow kar raha hota hai." She replied.

"Sath me chalne bolunga toh aayegi?" He asked.

"Nahi." She answered in an instant.

"Toh aur kya karu mai? Aur mai tere sath sath ghar wapas aata hu, I don't stalk you." He shrugged and she looked at him bewildered. The audacity!

"Sidharth! Tu na.. bas bol jo bolne aaya tha aur jaa!" She told him, trying not to lose her patience with him.

"I'm sorry Shehnaaz. Lekin.. Itna asaan nahi hai mere liye, aake bolu aur chala jau. The things I've said were way too harsh on you and I regret saying them to you. Yeh baat samajhne me hi time lag gaya mujhe, ke gusse me kitna galat bol gaya mai aur uske repercussions lene se darne laga. Mujh me himmat nahi ho rahi thi tujhe face karne ki." He told her.

"I am ashamed. Har ek din isi guilt me guzarta hai ke meri wajah se aaj yeh din aa gaya, ke maine khud hi apna relationship kharab kar diya. We're not together anymore. Even though I said all that stuff in the heat of the moment, it took me time to realize how badly my words would haunt you for the rest of your life. This realisation in fact is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Believe me baby." He added, blinking away his tears. There was a moment of silence, the two stood in the middle of the living room and stared at each other's faces.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart, that was not me. Maine ek bhi cheez intentionally nahi boli thi." He apologized. His heart pounded with a mix of trepidation and remorse as he prepared to apologize to Shehnaaz. The breakup had left him grappling with an unsettling fear, the fear that he might have irreversibly damaged something truly precious. As he contemplated the confrontation, a wave of anxiety washed over him. He was afraid that she might reject his attempt to make amends and the thought of losing her for good gnawed at his insides.

"Kyu bola tune aisa? Tere ko mere pe thoda sa bhi bharosa nahi tha kya Sidharth?" She whispered, asking.

"Bharosa tha, abhi bhi hai. I knew you wouldn't cheat on me, meri jaan. You could never, it's just that- I don't know - I don't understand what came into me. Mai- mujhe dar sa laga mujhe uss time ekdum se. I just-" He replied and fumbled with words as tried to frame proper sentences that would make sense to her. He knew there was no justification of his ugly comment but there were reasons behind his feelings and he didn't know how to tell her.

"Baith." She told him and took a seat in front of him.

"Hum itne close aa chuke Sidharth, mujhe ek second bhi hesitation nahi hoti tere se baat karne me. You can talk to me, I'm mad at you, I made my decision and it wouldn't change but I have to listen to whatever you have to say. I want to know what happened to you." She spoke.

"Shehnaaz, I don't know if it'll even matter now that you've made your decision. Phir bhi mai bhi baat karna chahta hu. Aage teri marzi, ofcourse." He replied, no matter how much it hurt but he was determined to let her know he dearly cherished her. He made a mistake, a grave mistake but there was nothing more than her in this world that he would like instead.

Even if it was for the closure, she needed to know his real intentions behind that argument and the condition of his mind and heart all the while they argued. He knew his actions had been driven by insecurities that he had struggled to articulate. The jealousy he felt over her new coworker, someone who had once shown romantic interest in Shehnaaz, had triggered a chain of irrational thoughts. In his frustration, he had lashed out, questioning her character in ways he now deeply regretted.

"Tu achi hai Shehnaaz, by that I mean sweet and simple and you believe everybody is being as honest as you. Tujhe lagta hai, jaisi tu hai sabke sath, sab bhi vaisi honge. But that's not how it is. Log nahi hote itne acche, atleast sab nahi." He told her.

"I've never met Naman or even seen him lekin baaton se wo bada manipulative lagne laga. Pehle tere rejection pe usne ajeeb sa reaction diya aur baad me itna humble ho gaya, I could not fathom what changed." He told her.

"But I see him everyday in the office, I speak to him. Mujhe zyada pata hoga na ke wo kaisa insaan hai." She replied.

"I know." He simply nodded.

"Tu chahta hai mai usse baat nahi karu?" She softly asked him and he shook his head again.

"Aisa nahi hai. I was not jealous with him, not initially atleast -" he replied.

"Then what changed Sidharth?" She gazed at him, asking.

"You changed." He mumbled, trying to look away from her.

"Kya matlab?" She was confused and waited for his answer.

"Tu usko defend kar rahi thi, mai surprised tha ke tu aisa kyu kar rahi hai?! Mujhe yeh pata tha ke tu kisi se koi misunderstanding nahi rakhna chahti, tu nahi chahti koi tere wajah se upset ho. I get that, you were being considerate but I didn't- it felt so odd and unexpectedly uncomfortable the way you just befriended him." He took a deep breath as he told her.

"Aur wo.." he began but he was haunted by the memory of his accusations and the way he had dredged up the incident of her kissing a stranger in a bar,a moment from her past that he had exaggerated to feed his own insecurities.

"Huh?" She felt like she didn't hear him properly.

"Back then in Punjab, when you were drunk.." he mumbled and both of them grew incredibly uncomfortable at the mention of the incident of her drunken kiss. His voice trembled. He tried to convey his feelings honestly, revealing how the old incident and her recent interactions with the colleague had deeply unsettled him.

"Shehnaaz I was insecure. Sick worried and scared. Mere pass aur koi excuse, justification ya explanation nahi hai dene ke liye. I didn't doubt you or anything. It was me, sweetheart, I was scared that someone could take you away." There. He said that. His fear was palpable, he was desperate to undo the damage and hoped that somehow, she might find it in her heart to forgive him.

"Kya?" Shehnaaz was stunned. As she listened to Sidharth's apology, a whirlwind of emotions surged within her. She was taken aback by his admission of insecurity. For a long time, she had perceived him as just another person who was simply a misogynist, a man who questioned her loyalty and questioned her character without understanding the complexities of her experiences. His words about feeling insecure and jealous had never crossed her mind before, she had only seen the aggressive side of his personality.

"Lekin tune bola tha tu bhool chuka hai uss baat ko, tu.." she wanted to argue with him on this but she didn't have the heart to. The realization that he had been wrestling with feelings of inadequacy and jealousy was unexpected and unsettling. It made her question whether she had been too quick to judge him as merely a bad person without considering his emotional struggles.

"Sidharth agar tere ko uss baat se problem thi bol dena chahiye tha na, kab aisi andar daba ke rakhne wala tha tu?" She questioned, her eyes tearing up every passing moment.

"I'm sorry." He apologized.

"Kya sorry? Pata maine kitna galat socha tere bare me? Mujhe laga tu judge kar raha hai mujhe, laga ke tu mujhe characterless bol raha tha aur laga ke tune mujhe kabhi samjha hi nahi!" She replied, telling about all those things that she had been crying about in the past few days.

"Please ro mat." Wanting to hug her but unable to do so, he simply held her hand instead and tried to console her. This realization filled him with a profound sense of regret and admiration for her strength and integrity. He understood that, regardless of the outcome, her values and emotional honesty were something he deeply respected.

"Idhar aa!" She pulled him over to her and into a hug. Her reaction was a mix of sorrow and sympathy. She felt sorry for having dismissed his feelings so quickly and was moved by the fact that he was willing to apologize and make amends.

"Let's start over na. Jo bhi galat hua, usko sahi karte hain aur shuru se shuru karte hain? Shehnaaz?" He asked as he didn't waste time in embracing her into his arms and having his fill for the time they lost.

"Sidharth.. itna asaan nahi hai mere liye ab." she said, easing out of the hug. Despite this newfound understanding, Shehnaaz also fought with a complex set of emotions. The idea of going back to a relationship where she had previously felt hurt and judged was difficult to process. Her sense of self-respect and autonomy were at stake. She wondered if accepting him back would mean compromising her own values and self-worth. She didn't want to feel like she was settling or that her feelings and experiences were being invalidated.

"Please." He held her face in his palm and caressed her tears away. One yes and he would put everything aside in the world for her. But he wasn't sure if she would be able to forgive him and if she would be willing to overcome her own reservations about the relationship. The fear of being judged again or rejected despite his sincere efforts was daunting.

"Mai chahti hu sab pehle jaise ho jaye, but I don't think I will be able to go back to being myself again. I cannot forget what happened. Tu samajh raha hai na Sidharth?" She told him and he retreated his hands with a nod, maintaining a respectable distance once again.

"We'll communicate this time. Aisa promise nahi kar sakta ke tujhe kabhi hurt nahi hoga, but intentionally kabhi hurt nahi karunga." He told her.

She smiled and held his hand between hers. She believed him, he was anything but a liar and she knew he would never hurt her, intentionally or unintentionally. That was the reason why she believed all of his words in the same place.

"Let's take a break." She suggested.

'Kuch dino ke liye. Mujhe thoda time chahiye hoga, Sidharth. Mujhe tu chahiye, lekin mai apne aap me thodi confused hu.' she thought to herself.

In this turbulent emotional landscape, Shehnaaz felt torn between the desire to mend what was once broken and the need to protect her own dignity and well-being. She was caught in a delicate balance, trying to navigate her feelings while ensuring that any decision she made aligned with her personal principles and long-term happiness.

'Let's take a break.' The proposal struck him hard, causing a wave of intense emotions. He grappled with a mix of frustration, disappointment and confusion as he struggled to process the sudden shift in their relationship dynamics.

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Hello there, how was this chapter?

Thank you so much for your warm wishes, I'm feeling better today.

Did Sidharth's confrontation bring you more clarity this time?

How was Shehnaaz's reaction to his apology this time?

What do you think of the break?

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