Kaylah's POV

Despite being well into the second half of October, I was lured out onto the balcony by the obscenely sunny morning and the need for a break from monotony. The sun rose slowly, a quiet holocaust of crimson, but the air was crisp and wind biting, and I distantly wondered if I'd catch a cold as I absently mindedly pulled the blanket closer around me.

While the temptation of drinking my coffee out on the balcony had overpowered all reasonable thought at little past 7 am, mind still fuzzy with sleep, I was reminded as to why I never took any decision before drinking my first coffee of the day. However, I lacked the motivation to move back inside and I sat there, motionless, staring at the last dregs of coffee left in my mug as if they would somehow yield the answers I was seeking.

As the clock ticked well past 7:30 am, the typical Thursday morning rush was well underway, and the honking and revving engines became overwhelmingly loud much too quickly. I'd popped in my headphones, trying to chase away the heaviness in my eyelids with some violent screaming and offbeat covers . So far, all I'd managed was a mild headache and a growing annoyance at my own ineptitude, and perhaps slight unwillingness, to reach out to Ari again.

I'd watched the week zoom by like a classical film noir, an achromatic world of distorted and melodramatic movie-like events rushing by in rapid succession. I felt muted, so far removed from being the femme fatale of my own side plot, restraining every touch and every attempt to talk some sense into Ari, for fear of another snide remark, another sharp twist of words.

I'd watched our friends interact with a kind of detached disinterest, watching them joke around and gossip about everything and nothing at all, noticing the obvious cracks in our patchwork friendships; noting the sheer irrelevancy of everything that seemed indispensable not long ago. How far away those days seemed.

It felt like watching a movie in slow motion, only to notice that the actors didn't seem so compelling after all, and their actions weren't as genuine as I might've originally thought. It was only due to that new perspective that I could tell something was distinctly off, feeling constantly on edge and inexplicably guarded.

While Nate's attitude towards me hadn't changed in the months he'd known me, there was something offbeat that had replaced the complacent emptiness behind his green eyes, and his mouth's corners twisted up in something horrifyingly close to a triumphant, if not mocking smile every time he saw me. For some reason, despite all my plans, looking at him made me feel like nothing more than a silly pawn, without any other option that to move forward agonizingly slow. And aren't pawns the first to be swept off the chessboard?

And yet I was fuelled by a desperate kind of determination I'd always felt when Ari was involved. Uncaring or unaware of how much hurt I brought upon myself.

You care too much. It was something I'd heard her say countless times before, accompanied by an eyeroll and a small smile. But how could I ever care less?

If I closed my eyes, I could still see her as she was the first time I'd met her; hair tied in a low ponytail, downcast eyes framed by thick frames and a tight grip on the book under her arm. One that would soon become a favourite of mine. I remembered how she hunched in on herself, how she deflected any attempt at kindness with a clever retort until everyone would stop trying. Everyone except me.

What are you gonna do then, kill me with kindness? she had stared at me then, confused as to why I was helping her, still trying to help her after she'd pushed me away so many times before. And yet, painfully hopeful someone would give that much of a damn.

Precisely, I looked her in the eye, unwavering. And she stared back. It was the first time I saw her truly smile; a smile of stained glass, chipped at the edges and craftily hiding so much pain, full of history and so much more.

My phone lit up, and I felt annoyed as the chaffing sound of my ringtone filled my headphones, high and unnecessarily cheery. I debated ignoring the call, but seeing the ID, I paused. Gage calling this early in the morning could only mean one thing.

"Is it on for tonight?" I wasn't surprised that Gage knew there would be an AA meeting tonight before I did. Him and Mike were getting along surprisingly well lately, given their history. Athletes had always been early risers. He'd probably only waited this long to call out of respect for those who didn't wake up at the crack of dawn.

"Yeah, Mike said he'll keep and eye out for Nate and he'll text me if he shows up. It's due to start at 7," Sooner than I'd expected. I was hoping I'd have until next week. But what good would postponing do?

I felt alight with nervous jitters and I was about to hang up wondering why he hadn't simply texted me exactly that, when his breath caught slightly, as if there was something else he wanted to say but was hesitant to.

I sighed and sat up straighter. I had a feeling I wouldn't like this, "Gage, what is it?"

"I'm downstairs. I was hoping we could talk about this before tonight," I wanted to mentally slap myself. If I listened closely enough, I could hear the engine idling and the muted sound of traffic. Of course he was.

Gage had been increasingly on edge ever since Monday morning, and I had been met by a constant stream of gibberish 1 AM texts and half assed phone calls, in which he said nothing at all, and which (unfortunately) increased in frequency as the week wore on. I would be lying if I said I didn't worry that it had something to do with us breaking into Nate's apartment. Gage, for all his boasting talk and simmering anger at the world, wasn't much of a fighter. I doubted he'd fare well staring down the barrel of a loaded gun.

I mulled over our plan for tonight as I made my way downstairs. We'd covered all bases I could think of. But would that prove enough?

Gage would be my getaway driver, waiting next to a secluded café on 1918 road, two blocks away from where the AA meetings were held. The area was a common hot spot all year round given the myriad of restaurants, cafes and borderline illegal street stalls selling almost anything from F4 fireworks to counterfeit make-up any willing passer-by for the right price.

While tourists normally milled around wide eyed, unaware of the danger lurking in shadowed alcoves and abandoned shops, locals knew what, or rather who to avoid in the old part of town. Mike and Vee had walked me through the neighbourhood since it wasn't an area I frequented, and by Wednesday I was familiar with the winding backstreets and dead ends to avoid.

Since Halloween was less than a week away and it was Friday night, the place should be packed with excited tourists and locals alike, searching for authentic accessories and buying tickets for the outdoor horror movie marathon. All I could hope for was that Nathan would be too distracted to notice that one particular person walking around was staring a bit too intently at him.

As soon as I found my way downstairs, I spotted the black Toyota in the same spot as the first time he'd showed up, all mussed hair and bloodshot eyes. He didn't look much better this time around either. He was fidgeting with his seatbelt, watching me come closer with an expression I couldn't decipher.

"I told you to stop parking here. Sooner or later you're gonna get your wipers broken off," I slipped in the passenger seat with ease, turning to face him.

"We gotta stop meeting like this y'know. Can't you just be normal and ask me out for coffee when you want to talk?" his expression didn't change in the slightest.

"I think we should wait longer. Don't know, this feel too rushed, too soon. Maybe we should wait for the next meeting, get a better idea of what we've getting into," it all came out in one rushed breath, as if he couldn't wait to get this conversation over with.

A part of me agreed with Gage, but I wasn't willing to let this opening go that easily. "He might not even show," I had to admit part of me wished he wouldn't.

From what Vee had said, while his father showed up regularly, she had only seen Nate only a handful of time in the months she'd been going to the AA meetings with Simon.

"He will," I had been staring out the window, but his tone made me snap my head back into his direction. He seemed too certain for my liking, and I raised one manicured eyebrow, willing him to continue.

Instead, he busied himself with turning on the engine and pulling out of the parking lot. We drove in silence until the first red light, until my patience ran out. "So what now, you're kidnapping me?" he couldn't even muster a shadow of a smile.

"Gage, look at me," when he kept staring ahead, I grabbed his chin and turned his head so that he was facing me. His eyes kept darting in and out focus, but there was a wild touch to them, like those of an insomniac whose thoughts were too loud for him to catch a wink of sleep.

"You're not sleeping again," it wasn't even a question. He looked guilty just then, and I pitied him.

"Look. I'm running late for school and you're too worn out to from a coherent thought. How about you take me to school and go home and have a nap, then meet me later on, ok? I'll promise I'll listen to what you've got to say," I kept glancing at my watch. If I ran late, I might have to stay well into the afternoon, and I didn't have the time for that today.

He took a second to process it, and I watched his shoulders slump as he accepted my compromise. "Okay, yeah," he made to pull his eyes back to the road, but he seemed to remember something.

"Where?"

"Central. It's quiet enough that we can talk in peace for whoever long we want, and there's no one to accidentally eavesdrop. Well, unless you count the dead," I shrugged, and gave him a half smile. At last, he smiled back.

xxxx

I did end up being late after all, but I was lucky that my first class of the day was English Lit and the teacher's always had a soft spot for me. Caro had given me a questioning look, and I could tell Ari was curious too, although she didn't lift her eyes from her essay.

"Woke up late. You know I'm not a morning person," she rolled her eyes in an awfully familiar way, turning back to her book with a sigh.

Monotony was my nemesis, and it threatened to suffocate me as I watched the same old people crack the same old jokes, exhausting the same arguments and recycling those carbon-copy comments.

As the clock ticked past 3:20, I walked with a nervous spring in my step, and too many  thoughts running through my head. What if we're wrong? What if he doesn't even show?

Someone was honking rather insistently, and it created a very unpleasant cacophony with Stairway to Heaven, currently playing in my headphones. Annoyed, I turned my head towards the disturbance, preparing to make an obscene gesture, only to realise the person honking was no other than Gage, who was now waving me over insistently. I showed him the finger anyway.

I jumped into the passenger seat and narrowed my eyes at him, "Could you be less subtle? Don't think you've woken up the whole neighbourhood yet,"

This time around, he chuckled, "Sorry, but I didn't know how else to get your attention,"

"Maybe give me a call?" he looked struck by the idea, as if it hadn't even occurred to him. "Oh, "he looked a bit miffed that he hadn't thought of it himself, a little frown making itself known between his eyebrows.

I sighed, "Just drive,"

He looked much less pale, and his voice didn't waver as it did this morning. This time, we didn't drive in silence. We fell back into our newly acquired routine, trading a question for a question.

"Mike said he's gonna back me up when I go talk to Coach tomorrow morning. I think he might let me play again," although he was staring ahead, I could tell his eyes had lit up. His voice held a naïve type of excitement, and perhaps renewed hope. I remembered the broken man he was just over a month ago, and I smiled to myself.

He pulled into the almost empty parking lot, and I walked to the gate, only to be met with a sweaty and nervous Phil  hastily making his way towards me. Before I could say anything, he practically ran into me, enveloping me in a short but warm hug. Despite knowing my uniform would stain from the dirt and mud, I hugged him back just as fiercely.

"The baby seems to want to come early! Julie's mom called, I have to go," he seemed scared half to death at the prospect of becoming a father, and I placed a kiss on his cheek. He seemed to calm down a little.

"They're both very lucky to have you in their lives. Tell Julie congratulations for me, hhm?"  at that he smiled wide, and patted my shoulder as he walked past, "You should come by sometime. Julie Junior will love you," and with that, he was off, fumbling with the two sets of keys he always carried.

I kept walking, making my way halfway through the first row when I realised Gage hadn't followed. I looked at him, and he averted him eyes, fumbling with the drawstrings on his track pants. I walked back in earshot and waited.

"Can we go see Teddy first? It's okay if you don't want to," I could tell it was something he needed, but wasn't willing to do alone. Instead of giving him an answer, I offered him my hand, "Lead the way,"

I watched the widows mill around, waving at the ones I recognized. Most people failed to s ee cemeteries as anything but a grey place filled with grief and hopelessness, when in fact, it was the place that gave us the most hope. Behind the grimness was a place of peace and quiet content, if only slightly bittersweet.

He stopped in front of a black lacquered headstone, lettered elegantly and obviously well maintained, its sharp edges glinting under the sunlight. Gage stood there a bit awkwardly, not saying a word; he simply stared and stared, until his eyes went unfocused and so full of sorrow I couldn't help but avert my eyes.

"Shit," he murmured the curse, and closed his eyes at once, tilting his head back and racking his hands though his hair, tugging a few hairs free, " I forgot to bring a candle, and the chapel's closed by now,"

Silently, I pulled the spare candle I always kept in my backpack and a lighter and handed it over. I don't think anyone had ever looked as grateful as he did just then, staring at the candle and then back at me and unable to say a word.

"What about your dad?" he had reached for it, but stopped midway, doubting. I pushed the candle into his hand.

"I'll just light the one from two days ago. He'll understand," If Stephen were alive, I think he'd even be proud.

"Thank you," he bent down carefully, lit the small candle, and placed it next to the tombstone. It made for a funny picture, a lanky 6'2 man crouching next to the delicate headstone.

"You might not know who I am, but your brother's cared for sweetie, so don't worry about it," I spoke without thinking about it. It came naturally to me after all this time, talking to people who weren't really there. If Gage was taken aback, he didn't show it. he turned to me and nodded soundlessly, as if he couldn't trust his voice quite yet. His eyes said enough.

We spent a couple more minutes in silence out of respect for the soul who left too soon, for the little Teddy who should've been 14 this year. After a while, Gage nodded to me again, now seeming determined to let go of his grief for the time being. I led the way this time, walking straight ahead before taking a right and then another right. The two graves were separated by a mere three rows across. Funny how such coincidences might happen.

"Hey dad, I brought a friend today. I know, I never do, but today's different," I patted the grass next to me with one hand, hoping Gage would take the hint and have a seat. Reluctantly, he did, looking unsure of what to do with himself, hand folded in his lap.

I kept my other hand on the warm tombstone, thumbing one of its rounded edges in a way that had always comforted me. I wondered what we must look like, two teenagers sitting next to a weathered headstone shoulder to shoulder in the wet grass. Right then, I didn't care.  I talked aimlessly, simply restating everything I'd been through in the last few weeks, letting the familiar acceptance wash over me.

"Does it help? Talking to him?" Gage seemed somewhat more relaxed; his gaze less unfocused than it had been a few minute ago.

"It makes me feel less alone," I faced him then, watched his face undergo a spectacular metamorphosis, from a cool renewed calmness to confusion and then a quiet type of resolution, his features etched in stoic understanding and perhaps hardened by his own personal sorrow. Estranged from both his parents, carrying the weight of his brother's death; he was wondering in the dark just as much as I was.

Suddenly, he grabbed my right hand almost roughly, and when I didn't immediately recoil, he threaded our fingers together.

"But you aren't," without hesitating, he placed his left hand on the other edge of the gravestone, looking at it levelly, "She isn't alone," despite the blank gaze, his tone held so much emotion I couldn't help but squeeze his hand, almost to the point of pain, grounding him in the present, in the simple feeling of my hand in his. I knew it was all too easy to get trapped in your own thoughts.

"How can someone who has caused so much pain be so kind?" I'd spoken without giving it too much thought, but the more I considered it, the more I realised I needed an answer. He didn't look at me, perhaps too ashamed to do so, and tried pulling his hand away. I shook my head, pulling out clasped hands to my chest.

"Why, Gage? All she ever did was love you," I was bitter. At him, at Nathan, at Ari, at the dammed world for everything that kept happening.

He faced me then, and I while his face was as boyish as ever, holding no more than the promise of a beard and a wispy moustache, his eyes looked much older than his 20 years.

"I've failed more people over the years than I'd ever thought possible, Kay. My mom by not being there for her when her world was falling apart, my dad for not being the man he wished I were. Teddy-" his voice broke a little, sounding a screeching violin, but he pushed on "Teddy, for not being the big brother he thought I was. Hell, even Nathan," a wet chuckle, "I might have been able to help him if I weren't so fucking obsessed with being accepted in highschool. But I will not fail you and Ari too. I can't afford to,"

"Then don't," despite my words, I smiled at him. It had only been a few weeks since he'd started seeing Dr. Blaircliff, but the improvements were obvious to anyone who was really looking. Which, I realised, was only me.

"You know, my dad wanted me to be a barrister, like my uncle," he paused. "Like Nate. Ironically, Nate was a better son than I was," he couldn't even muster a self-deprecating chuckle at that.

"It's not too late though. You can apply as a mature candidate and take a foundation year. You're only 20 Gage, it's not all lost,"

"Nah, I'm not nearly smart enough to make the cut. And don't try to contradict me, I was never a brilliant kid. My future's football, and I'm okay with it. College isn't for everyone,"

"Okay. If you're sure it's what you want," he was right, of course. But I liked to think everyone could make it through college if they wanted it enough.

"He paid me a visit Sunday night," at that I whipped my head around, leaning in closer. "I walked in, and there he was. Same chair he always used," he chuckled, a pitiful whispered sound, "It was like he'd never left."

"Shouldn't you change the locks?"

He shook his head and shrugged rather dismissively, "He left the key on the kitchen table when he left. I don't think he's made any copies either," he must've read the annoyance at his nonchalance on my face, because he was quick to continue, " He doesn't want to hurt me Kaylah. And yes, I know how stupid that sounds, but it's not me he's concerned about. I've always been nothing but talk, and he knows it," he let go of my hand, and averted his eyes.

"He isn't violent. That was never his game. But he has a gun and I'm afraid he might use it if you get too close to figuring him out," he sounded genuinely scared, and it chilled my blood. Suddenly, his growing agitation didn't feel so misplaced after all.

"Gage, all I'm doing is taking a photo or two. That hardly comes close to figuring him out," I tried to downplay it, but I could feel dread make my throat close up. I swallowed painfully. Even Stephen's headstone seemed to stare at me accusingly.

"I'll be just fine," I said it with more bravado than I really felt, hoping I would will it into existence.

But I couldn't let him dictate our lives. If I didn't take control of my own life, how can I even call it living?

_______

**....... yes, I'm aware I failed miserably to uphold my promise of regular updates. In my defense, there's a lot going on in my life atm, and I simply couldn't find the time. I'll do my best to do better than once every three weeks though ^^**