Warning:

Strong Language
Mentions of depression
Suicidal thoughts
Self Harm

Well um- isn't this a banger way to start off my drabble book? Yeah anyways, enjoy? The characters involved are Shadow and Maxwell (And their mothers-). This is not cannon, at least- not fully ;)

Shadow is 13

Max is 14

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It had been a cold day, as usual for Snowdin, today though just felt colder. It was so cold in fact, that both the front door and back door of the Johnson home had been jammed and they were basically snowed in the house. Not so much that any of the monsters sitting inside the house cared though, at least at face value. The eldest son, a sunset colored fox was currently using a little floating bit of fire to read some kind of action comic. It was a very familiar one, being one that the monster has read over and over again. It was his favorite. The other boy, a sillombre, was sitting next to a pretty badly frosted over window, looking outside. It seemed like he was in deep thought, staring out the window. Their mothers were off doing their own thing, with one mother, a white and grey fox in the kitchen cooking, and the other out at work, being a part of the Royal Guard. 

Currently, the only bit of noise was coming from the kitchen and the little crackles from the other fox' fire. It was otherwise really peaceful. However, this teeny bit of noise was enough to make the sillombre boy squeeze his sweater's sleeve and huff out, growing irritated. The fox' ears twitched and looked over to his brother, "What's up?" He asked, lowering his comic to give the shadow his full attention.

"Nothing. I'm going to go to my room," as the sillombre spoke, he stood up, his red eyes glazed over, as if he wanted to cry. The fox tilted his head and moved his hand up above him and blew out the flame with a wave.

"You don't look too good. Are you sick Shadow? I could go tell mom to get yo-"

Shadow shook his head, standing up, "I just need to lay down. It's nothing serious." He offered a small smile. The fox' ears lowered and he bit his lower lip, not quite believing him, but also not wanting to push him. The shadow walked out of the room and walked down the hallway, straight to his and his brother's shared bedroom. As he left, the fox monster went back to the comic, bringing back that low, crackling fire. It echoed around in the shadow's mind as he stepped into the room, closing the door to a very quiet room. It was rather eerie. He glanced over to one of the beds in the room, a voice going off in his head.

*Maxwell's bed. Rather messy, just like him.

It wasn't wrong. The bed hadn't been made since either of them woke up. He started to walk up to the bed, specifically at the side table and sat down on the bed, picking up one of the framed photos on the bed.

*Maxwell and Camilla. Before you showed up, they were best friends. They did everything together, like snowball fighting with the other kids, such as in this picture.

A familiar guilty, suffocating feeling hit the sillombre as he looked at the picture. The voice in his head wasn't wrong. His brother was best friends with the girl in the photo. Shadow wasn't really sure why they were friends, or how they became friends. Then again... Maxwell was very likable. Everyone wants to be around him, since he's such a nice, outgoing person, and he doesn't make anyone uncomfortable. Unlike Shadow. He liked comics and sharing them with everyone, no one has a problem with him. Even Stanley, the boys bully, once admitted to his own group of friends that if Maxwell wasn't Camilla's close friend, or even had a shadow as an adopted brother, he would've been fine considering him a friend. He set down the photo, the suffocating feeling growing worse. It felt so overwhelming, but the Shadow pushed it down to pick up another photo. Just a picture of Maxwell as a much younger monster. A kitten, with another monster holding him up with a big grin, showing his teeth for the camera. It was like he was caught in mid laugh when the photo was taken.  He couldn't have been much older then eight in this picture. He looked so full of life and energy. Like Maxwell.

*James Johnson. Maxwell's dead older brother. No one talks about him.

Shadow was never told what happened to James. They just said it was in the past, and that nothing can be done about what happened. That the only thing they want to remember the boy by was the kind of kid he was, a sweet, caring boy.  A brave boy. Someone who was always there to help. Dependable. Much like Maxwell. It must've been a family trait. Shadow didn't know what family trait he had, and he'll never know. All he knew was his parents were shadows, and he can barely remember their faces. He remembered having a brother of his own, but the name never came up. Sighing softly, the shadow set down the photo and looked all around the decorated side of Max' room. So full of color and posters. It fit the excitable fox well.

Then over on his own side of the room... with his own poorly made bed and so few pictures. He didn't like any of the same things Max or anyone else did. Maxwell was always going to be the cool, lovable brother, and Shadow will just be that weird sillombre kid no one really likes. He bit his lower lip as tight as possible and stood up, walking to his side of the room, collapsing into the comfortable mattress.

Pulling himself up, he looked up at his own walls. A poster with a dumb math joke that Maxwell gave him two years ago, a few movie posters that Shadow liked and managed to save from Waterfall's dump, and just a few other random things. Even a drawing Shadow made last year of a wolf that he doesn't really like anymore. He only kept it up at this point to fill his more empty side of the room. It felt so dull compared to the fox' side. No wonder Max never wanted anyone else to come in here, beside Camilla. His dullness ruined the saturated side of the room. Slumping down and looking at his hands, he found his right sweater sleeve had rolled up, revealing a few old wounds on his arm. Normally, his body should've healed up these wounds, since shadow's are such fast natural healers and their bodies being comprised of mostly magic. Specifically dark magic. But Shadow used a small flashlight to inflict these wounds, since any and all light injure his kind if left on the skin long enough. Hurriedly rolling down his sleeve, he crawled up to his own side table and picked up a photo frame. 

*First day of 1st grade. You cried for the first hour when you were separated from everyone. Now everyone calls you crybaby.

The memory flashed in his mind, making him bite his lip and tear up. That was true. He cried a lot when he first went to school. Seeing new monsters, being separated from his sibling, family and close friend made it really hard to adapt to everything.  Why do people as cool as Maxwell or Camilla still have anything to do with such a useless shadow? He put down the photo and rolled away, pulling down his sleeve to look at his burn covered arm. They won't heal for a long while, unless he's unlucky enough to have these turn into scars for the rest of his pitiful existence. He bit his lower lip harder and brought his knees up to his chest, the silence of the room irritating him just as much as the noise did in the living room. It was too much. There was just too much going on. It felt like the room was closing in on him the more he laid there, thinking. He needed a distraction. Now.

Rolling over, he opened up his side table's drawer and moved his arm through the mess inside his drawer until his hand touched a familiar shape. Pulling it out from the drawer, he examined the dull, matte flashlight. It was a dark grey. His and Max' mothers brought several flashlights when the Core temporarily lost power for a few days, and since then, they all just kept a flashlight for themselves. Shadow didn't technically need a flashlight, since he can see just fine in the dark. However... the dark has always scared him. Ironic. And pathetic.

*What shadow is scared of the dark?

Flicking on the light and taking a shaky breath, he placed the light's beam directly on his arm, watching as the light ripped through his arm. A burning sensation started to occur, making his already formed tears fall down his face and his lower jaw tremble. It was like all his senses were now focused on the pain he was bringing to himself, and his body started to fight and jerk, wanting to get away from the light source. He forced himself to keep the flashlight against his arm as it trembled, agony prickling at his skin. No more thoughts or memories were running wild in his head. The silence in the room wasn't bothering him. It was just him and the flashlight. As well as the incredible pain he was experiencing.

Knock knock.

Shadow suddenly jolted up and tossed the flashlight out of sight, his eyes wide as tears raced down his cheek. All he could do to cover the new burn on his arm was to hide it with his hand, which only made the wound burn more. Was it Max? Of course Max would come down to his room. He probably finished the comic he was reading and came to fetch a new one. That was all.

The door opened and a familiar sunset colored head poked in, "Ah, I would've thought you'd lay down or something," He chuckled, walking into the room and fixing his glasses, "Ah well, it's fine- wait, Shadow, what's wrong?" Max' tone of voice went from a pretty light, teasing tone to a suddenly serious one, making Shadow wince back, doing his hardest to hide the wound. The fox walked up to him and grabbed onto his brother's face. "You're crying. Why are you cry?? Is it too cold for you? Did you hurt yourself? Are you hungry- well no, you don't get hungry really. But still- what's wrong?" He asked, looking into red eyes with his own blue eyes. 

"N-nothing! Please leave me alone Max... I-i'm just tired."

"You just said nothing was wrong, then say you're tired. You only do that when something's wrong. Shadow please tell me..."

Shadow shook his head, bringing down his sleeve as stealthily as possible, "There's nothing. You're worrying over nothing. J-just go grab a new comic and go back to the living room! I'm fine! I'll just go to sleep!" He tried to give a smile, which made his brother narrow his eyes. His glasses slide down his muzzle, so he just took them off and tossed them next to them on the bed. Max looked strange without glasses. His glare looked a lot like their other mother, Yuki. A lot of his features were similar to hers actually. It was scary.

"Don't you dare try to lie to me mister. I know you well enough to know that you are upset about something. In fact, you've been upset for a while. You haven't been yourself at all lately Shadow, and I want to know why."

He wasn't lying. Shadow had been feeling like this for a while. The overwhelming, suffocating feeling he keeps feeling. The feeling of loneliness. The feeling of being nothing compared to everyone else. No one would notice him if he disappeared. They'd assume he just ran away or something. Rightfully so. He looked down at his burn covered arm, then quickly glanced up. It was enough for Max' ears to twitch, his blue eyes looking down at where Shadow had glanced, picking up his arm. Shadow's eyes widened and a sense of anger filled him, making him jerk his arm back and kick Maxwell away. "Just leave me alone! Can't you understand what get the fuck away from me means?? I've always been this way, you just don't pay attention! Your nose is always in some stupid comic book, so go back to doing what you do best!" It didn't click in Shadow's head that he was speaking until it was already said. He covered his mouth with his left hand and looked down, his right hand trembling. He didn't mean to lash out. Max was just concerned. He should've just kept silent. Or lay down. Yeah. He should've just laid down. Shadow couldn't even look up at his older brother, instead, just looking at the ground.

*You've done it now. He's going to go tell his mothers on you. Tell them that the sillombre they took in hurt him. You're so pathetic Shadow. You should just ki-

"Jeez, you really must not be feeling too well Shadow," Maxwell's voice cut through the air, drawing the inner voice inside of Shadow to shut up. The fox rubbed his side, seemingly uninjured. He walked a bit closer and sat down besides Shadow, making sure not to sit on his own glasses. Shadow's heart started to race as the fox looked past him, at something on the bed. Reaching over, he picked it up, the light still being on, beaming at the ceiling. "Shadow..." He breathed out, flicking off the light with his thumb, looking down from where the light had shone. "You shouldn't have this on. It could hurt you..."

"I know..." He lowered his hand and interlocked his fingers together. The fox placed the flashlight next to him and reached out, wrapping his hands around the shadow's.

"I don't know what's going on with you buddy, but please don't push me away. I'm your brother, I want to help. Let me help, please Shadow?" He asked softly, looking at the shadow with a soft expression, "I'm here."

Shadow felt that choking feeling come back, making him start to tear up again. He didn't want to cry again. Not again. He didn't have any reason to cry. Maxwell shouldn't worry. He shouldn't be here for him. He should be trying to call Camilla to ask her what she was doing today while being stuck inside. Not here trying to comfort someone who didn't- didn't deserve it. Yet he started to cry anyways. Maxwell pulled his brother closer, letting him cry. It took a moment for the sillombre to cling onto him, using his hands to hold onto his brother's light blue shirt with some kind of random superhero symbol on it. He didn't speak, he just cried. His brother ran his hand through his hair and told him it would all be okay. Everything would be okay. To just let it all out. The suffocating feeling never left him as he choked and sobbed more. All this crying was doing was letting him finally let out all the feelings he's tried to keep pushed down and out of his mind. The feelings he used pain to distract from. It was all coming out.

It took a while, but eventually, the sillombre's cries softened and he was calmer. Tired actually. His brother gently let go of him and pulled his hands away, holding his right arm. "Better..?"

Shadow didn't speak, sniffling, tears still falling down his now blackened out eyes. Little white dots filled where the pupils used to be, signifying the exhaustion and emotional stress he was feeling. Max just sighed softly and looked down at his brother's arm.

"I'm just going to look, okay Shadow? If you kick me again, I'll know for sure you're hiding something..." He glanced up at Shadow, getting a silent nod, giving up. What was the point? Max already had his suspicions when he yelled and kicked him. The fox pulled up the shadow's sweater sleeve, his breath halting for just a moment when he saw the fresh burn mark. Shadow's heart beat quickened again as more of his wounds were revealed. It wasn't like his arm was full of them. In fact... admittedly, he didn't start doing this until three weeks ago, and it wasn't a daily thing. Max rolled up the sleeve all the way to the sillombre's elbow and looked at the wounds, bringing one of his hands over one of the more faded wounds, making Shadow tense up and suck in air. "Shadow I-"

"P-please don't touch them..."

Max pulled the hand away and apologized, letting go of the arm so Shadow can hide the wounds again. "Why did you do that?" He didn't receive a response at first. How should Shadow respond? How? "Shadow, tell me please. You can't keep this hidden forever... you need to let me help. If not me, then I can go let mom know and she can do something!"

"No! I-i don't want mom to know!" the shadow blurted out, his lower jaw trembling, "I can't make either of them g-get mad at me o-or worry about me! They'll be so disappointed!" He cried out, fresh tears fell down his face. Max' expression stiffened. He wanted to tell their moms, which made Shadow panic and cry more, so he had to quickly wrap his arm around the flailing shadow. He had to keep him from hurting himself.

"Hey! Okay! I won't tell either of them! Not ever! I promise, just please tell me why you'd hurt yourself." 

The shadow's panicked and scared breathing remained the same for a bit as tears feel from his eyes, before he could even finally speak, "O-okay... okay, I-i'll talk..."

Max hesitated for a moment, before letting his brother go.

*How pathetic. Opening up something so stupid and pathetic. You should just keep your mouth shut. No one wants to hear your problems. Crybaby. 

Shadow's took a shaky breath and bit his cheeks, ignoring the thoughts as best he could. He trusted Maxwell. Who didn't trust him? "I-i needed a distraction from things. M-my mind has been filled with bad things, and I don't want to think about them. Everything's been bothering me... noise, silence, the smell of food, sitting in here... everything. Everything gets to me... I don't understand why!"

"What do you think about?"

*Keep your pathetic mouth shut.

"A lot... I think about running away. I-i think about dying. I-i think about my Past Life. Your brother. Our m-moms. C-camilla... you," Shadow took another deep breath, each word getting harder to say, but he pushed forward, "E-everyone loves you Maxie. E-everyone! You're so cool. Y-you're funny and likable. Y-you don't freak anyone out by just existing. No one has any grief with you, everyone w-wants to talk to you. Wants to be with you. I-i only have you and Camilla everyone else h-hates me. They take one look at me and just- d-don't like me. And even whenever I'm given a chance, they find someone better. I-i have no friends in my grade... no one." He choked out, tears falling down his face in larger quantities. "I-i wish I was like you. P-people would like me if I was smart a-and cool like you. I-if I wasn't so shy and didn't scare anyone..."

Maxwell was silent, his face not expressing anything that Shadow could identify. He bit his lip again and looked down, tears rolling down his cheeks. He didn't know what to say. He should just agree that the shadow should just disappear. That no one cares. He deserves to be alone. He deserved to feel this wa-

Arms wrapped around him, pulling him far closer then the previous two times. Just holding him, not speaking for such a long time. Shadow hesitated for a moment, sniffling softly, before he wrapped his arms around Max's warm body. "I'm so, so sorry Shadow. Gods- I-if only I knew about any of this sooner! I could've told you just how cool you are! Shadow you are just so amazing! You're way smarter then anyone I know, and you're so calm! You're the only one in our friend group that can keep me and Camilla from doing something reckless! Gods, you're so strong for putting up with everyone judging you on your species! I'm so proud to have you as a younger brother, and I don't ever regret knowing you! I know Camilla feels the same way. And I promise you that you'll have friends who won't judge you for your species or anything, I swear! Thank you so much for telling me... gods, I can't imagine how it felt to tell me any of that. That took so much strength, Shadow. You are so, so strong for staying and telling me."

Those words echoed around in the shadow's head, a new feeling hitting him. It was just as overwhelming, at least at first. Relief. True relief for hearing his brother say those things. He cried again, shaking badly and burying his face into Max's shoulder, "I-i don't feel s-strong at all! I-i can't stop crying! N-not fair! You- you j-jerk! You make e-everyone feel better!" He cried out. Max chuckled and rubbed his back. 

"Mhm, I know. I'm soooooo unreasonable." Shadow muttered something else that even he didn't understand. Even though he was crying and calling Max a jerk though, he appreciated this so much. So much. The fox kept rubbing his back and held onto him, "You know, I'm not as cool as you think I am... and I don't have that many friends myself. I'm just a big comic dork who talks too much, and not many people appreciate really talkative people Shadow. The only reason anyone says they like me is because I give out homework answers, and I give pretty great advice."

Shadow sniffled, and muttered an 'oh'.

"And even if I did have a bunch of friends, none of them would amount to you and Camilla. I've known you both for basically my whole life! I wouldn't ever want to replace either of you! You're such a nice kid, Shadow. Heck, I live with you and yet I want to know more about you! You're even helpful of other people! Remember when the Spindel's kid scraped his knee up really bad? You ripped up your favorite sweater just to help patch it! He was so thankful, and last I checked, I think it was just his dad that was upset it was you who did it. And who cares what that guy thinks. So... you know, you're really cool too... I don't expect this to make things suddenly better, I know things like this take a bit of time. I just hope it helps out, and I hope you keep letting me help, and eventually ask our moms for help," He kept rubbing Shadow's back, purring softly. Shadow sniffled and nodded softly, starting to calm down quite a bit. Maxwell let him go and looked at his face, giving a determined, comforting smile, "I'm always here for you, okay?"

"O-okay Max. T-thank you..." He wiped his eyes and nose, realizing just how much he cried and just how tired he felt. He was all wore out, "I-i'm so tired..."

"I would bet so! Here, I'll tuck you in, like old times!" Max smiled. Shadow made a face, a bit of a lighthearted feeling hit him.

"I-i'm not a baby, Maxie!"

Maxwell laughed loudly and told him to shut up and get under the covers, getting up himself to grab onto the flashlight and his glasses. Shadow rolled his eyes and moved the covers to get under them. "There! Was that too hard?"

The sillombre shook his head, which Max just chuckled at and smiled, bringing the covers up and burying the other's body under a reddish blanket. "I'll tell mom that you weren't feeling well, alright? So don't worry about not eating dinner tonight. I'll let you rest for a few hours, then I'll bring you dinner, and then you need to go shower. I don't want those burn marks to infect or anything."

"I-i don't think they will... but okay Maxie..." Shadow mumbled, yawning, his eyes returning to their normal red color. Max chuckled and shrugged.

"Still, shower dummy. Now sleep well, okay? You want a kiss too?"

"Max! Noooo! Get out before I decide to tell mom you're gonna spit on me!" Shadow shouted, grinning, getting a laugh from Max. The fox just roughed up the sillombre's messy hair and told him to just go to sleep. After roughing his hair up, the fox left, making sure to turn off the already incredibly dim light just so Shadow could sleep easier, then closed the door. Sitting in the dark room, the shadow's eyes fluttered for a moment as he fought against sleeping so soon. Just a moment longer. He looked over to Maxwell's side of the room, noticing one of the posters about to fall. He'll tell Max about it later... a tiny smile went across his face and he conjured forth the only relatively clear image of his biological family. It was still fuzzy, and the voices sounded like static, but somehow- he knew what was going on. The voice in his head was silent for once. For now. He was glad for that, and really glad that Max knew he wasn't going to feel better overnight. Shadow will try though... as much as possible.

Finally unable to keep fighting against his ever drooping eyes, he yawned out and fell into a deep sleep.

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Words: 4248

Sorry that was so long! Holy cow that was- wow! Um- yeah sorry!! I just got sooooo into this!