So, I have created the perfect greeting. I will run it by you, then explain.

What's up what's down what's around the corner how ya been since when and why?

So!

What's up - what's happening
What's down - what's bad; what's bumming you out
What's around the corner - what's next
How you been, since when, and why - self-explanatory

It satisfies all of your info-gathering needs!

Also, there's a final greetings (fancy and slightly confusing name for a goodbye)

Farewell, peace be with you, and may the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.