If you're here for the jokes and stuff I would just leave now. This ain't g9ing to be fun for me or you.

Something really traumatizing happened to me about 2-3 years ago. A few people really know about it, but I usually just make jokes and pass it off.
The truth is none of them really know the true in-depth version on what had happened. They just had brief ideas. The one person I would usually talk about this stuff with, my sister, isn't...she left for college and barely responds to my text now. It honestly breaks my heart. She's the person who means the most to me in this world. Eventually, I just...stopped trying.

But that's not really what I'm talking about right now. It was a couple of summers ago I went to visit my mom and grandparents. She lived with them. But she had changed since last time. I had no idea what had happened. She seemed much harsher and control than before. The mother I knew hugged me to sleep, stilled kisses my forehead, always looked out for me and stuff. But that wasn't it, she was completely obsessed with the bible and Christianity all of a sudden. I'm talking, she was practically out of her mind. Fuck, I'm going to cry.

She was now calling my grandparents evil. Saying that they had kidnapped her at birth. That she was the owner of these condos we stayed at over the summer (way more coming on that later).

I didn't realize this at first. I think my dad knew. I got really upset when he didn't let me go there over spring break. But he dad too in summer. I think the first big indicator was when I first got there, she told me someone had called my school and gotten to where I lived. At the time I was scared senseless so actually, see that made no sense.

Okay, so I was there for about 1 and a half months. I spent some time there, then we went to Orlando to go to these condos for a week my Nana rents an out for my whole entire side of her family every year. I've been going since I was very little and had very close memories there. Close to my heart. During the first two weeks, I was there before the condos, she was really controlling and paranoid over me. I became really scared. She wouldn't let me talk to my grandparents either, saying I'll be possessed. That they weren't good for me. So I was practically under the control of her the whole time. I remember forgetting a small detail one time about something we did when I was very little, so she shoved vinegar down my throat saying I was a demon. I remember her screams, yelling at it to leave me.

Whenever it was just us two in the house, she heard voices. She would suddenly scream on the tops of her lungs, "LEAVE MY CHILD ALONE. GET AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

It happened quite a bit, and when it was not one of those time she would make me bathe in the holy water right after, I would be silently crying behind the couch with my papa's dog.

See, My Nana knew what was happening. She always did her best to help me but she just couldn't all the time.

I remember waking up at about 2 am to me her muttering things by a candle. She was me, then forced me to read the bible.

It just....really fucks you up. You don't understand how traumatizing it is when you are controlled until it happens. Especially if they aren't right in the head yet you can't fight back. It's worse if it's your parent the most. You want so badly to escape and get rid of them, but they loved you all the way up to this point. They helped you when you had been sick. Why can't I just not be a fucking asshole and care for her? She's done so much for me, yet all I want to do is want to leave. I cry every night, wanting to go home, but all she is is trying to protect me with what is fit in her own mind. I'm such a fucking bitch, I'm sorry.

Now, onto the actual traumatizing night. I can only remember bits and details, but I was hanging out in the tiny condo that I shared with my cousin and watching Divergent. But then she kicked open my door and dragged me back to her place. She said I wasn't allowed to be around drunk adults. I had no idea what she meant, but she acted like I had never seen her drink...or cuss.

She locked me in her condo and wouldn't let me out. Every time I look back on this last part, I feel incredible pathetic and overdramatic, but I really started panicking. I locked myself in the bathroom while we screamed at me to come out. I was shaking and just plain out sobbing on the tiny floor space I had. A conversation from a few days earlier resurfaced in my mind

"Its like she has a split personality," I say, walking down the pavement.

My older cousin looks me straight in the eye. "You're absolutely right, baby.' She pulls me into a tight hug.

My mother then threatened to call the security on me. I gave up and walked out. She then put me into my room. She didn't lock it though, but I didn't try to leave. She was only going to do something worse if I didn't listen. I went outside on the balcony, watching the waterpark get cleaned from right below me. Everything about the moment felt sure as I sobbed. I knew I needed 1 thing and that was my sister.

I got up the courage to go back in and look for my tablet to get ton messenger. I didn't have a phone. When ai looked in my dresser, she had taken it.

I panicked. I opened the door, commanding to talk to my sister. I was shouting, she was shouting. It was... gosh, I can't explain it.

I walked back to them from her but me in back to defeat. I wondered why my grandma wants to help me. Did she give up on me too? So I pounded onto the wall next to me, knowing that she was on the other side.

Nothing.

I went outside on the balcony and croaked for help.

Nothing.

I never felt so...helpless.

Like a rayon sunshine, my mom came in and threw my Nanas phone at me. I quickly dialed my sister's number even though I was a mess.

"Hello?"

I fucking sobbed at her voice. Oh how much I wished just to be wrapped up in her arms right now. Telling me it was okay.

But it wasn't. It really wasn't.

I started asking them to save me. Help me. Ask someone at the front desk to come. Anything.

I remember having to shut up abruptly when she came close to me in fear.

I remember the sounds of knocking at my door and a young couple asking if everything was alright.

"Yes, my daughter is just a baby and having a tantrum."

The only thing I could think though was fear. I started to believe her and I still do to this day. I am just an overdramatic asshole.

That's...that's in a pretty big summery...

I've never really gone into detail with anyone before. So I'm sorry. No matter what, my brain keeps telling me I'm a narcissistic, greedy, spoiled, little brats.

There are some other reasons for my down moods (I refuse to say I have depression for real. My life is great. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and a stepmom even if she isn't the absolute best at times. Others would be so envious to be in my position compared to there's, so I have no right to be depressed.) too, but I'll save that for later.

I'm really sorry if this is a mess. I'm not going back to edit. I'll only cry more. So I'm sorry. This is going to be a mess to understand.

N