( here's something i wrote today instead of doing my homework oops hehe procrastination wooOooO )

11-3-20

Dear 16 year-old me...

Dear 16-year old me...

I know you just had the best surprise birthday at school that was thrown by your friends in your AP Euro class. You thought everyone was ignoring you, but then they all surprised you with cake and singing and Tina even bought matcha milk tea, which was very sweet. Everyone was there, even Derek (and I think that was officially the first time you met).

And I know you are waiting to be celebrated by a boy whom you love. He already texted you some very sweet words, and after school, he will surprise you with a cupcake and boba. In about a week or so, you two will hang out again and he'll play a song he wrote for you on his guitar. Even though you won't remember any of the words, you will remember crying because you couldn't believe that a boy could love you so much to write a song for you.

But at the same time, I also know that you are in a dilemma. You will be in it for awhile. You are in a dilemma because while you think you love him, you also feel like love shouldn't feel like a bad decision. You won't realise it till later, but there is something off about this love - love isn't supposed to use manipulation to say that you are always in the wrong. This love feels like an uphill climb, an endless battle, and that doesn't seem right.

Yet, you continue. You will continue to love him and him you, although his seems more like a badly made wave. I know you'll also continue to tell church people and also school friends that everything is ok, that you're working on it and working through it. You're not wrong, but you're also going to feel stuck. You will go to Indonesia in the summer after your 16th birthday, and you will pray many times over yourself for the chains of this love to be broken off. They get chipped off a little, as you learn how to deal with disappointment and weariness, but not completely. You will feel hopeful, yet still frustrated on why you continue to "be in love."

It's not your fault. You're a 2, and you're overly compassionate. You love with your whole heart and soul, and he is your first love. You want his love back, even if it isn't much and even if he isn't much. You will beat yourself up a lot, but know that it isn't your fault.

In the midst of all of this, I know that you are becoming closer friends with another boy, a really sweet boy who seems to care a lot about you. Know that he does, but he won't show it well. You will start falling for him as your sophomore year ends, as you turn 16. You will go to the night market together, where you'll hold hands for a second, and you'll also go to a birthday party together, where you'll put your head on his shoulder. But in the summer, when it seems like you two are hitting it off great, he will find another girl. He won't tell you they're dating until you're back from Indonesia, but when you hear the news, you won't completely be crushed, although it does feel like another defeat. You will take it as a sign that he wasn't meant to be, and you'll move on.

I know that you will start off your junior year hoping for a fresh start. 2019 seems like a great year to try to take control of your life again and be close with God, so you try hard. But I know that it's hard, especially when that first love keeps in contact. Even though you're not supposed to talk to each other, you two still will. I don't know what went through his mind, but you will feel loved, yet guilty. The dilemma continues as your 16th year goes by. Your church friends are there to support you the best they can, but it will be a journey only you can go on and so you will feel alone a lot of the time. You will cry in your bed and yell at God more nights than you probably should. The other boy breaks up with his girlfriend, and you two will become better friends again. You worry about his well being, but he finds another girl to be close friends with so you back off again. It's ok - you try to accept that it just isn't meant to be. Academics are background noise, even though everyone has begun to stress out now that college is closer. You use your classes and social life to distract you from that first love.

Winter will approach, and the seasonal, holiday feelings return, reminding both of you of when you first met each other last December. He starts talking to you more and more, visiting you at work and driving you places. You will watch part of a movie together, and later on, you won't be able to finish it without him. Fate has a weird sense of humor, and by some strange chance, you both end up in Asia for winter break - close but far enough apart that you won't be able to visit each other, but it's nice to text and call in the same time zone. This will be when the dilemma gets to its worst point. Winter break will begin with you being in love, writing words like "You make me so happy / So so happy / Unbelievably happy" and "I love you, and I'm sorry that I don't say it enough." But as the weeks continue, fights start and end in short spans of time, giving you agony and frustration and sadness and a bit of depression probably (as some of your friends will tell you later). The fights will be quick, but they will feel like they last forever. They will begin with you trying to be confrontational and brave, and they will end with you apologizing and in tears. He will say harsh words, and while he might say them with love, they do not feel like love. He will say "I love you and this is why I say what I say," and that will confuse the hell out of you. On the outside, you will say "ok, that's fine," but I know you will question him inside - "if you love me, why do you hurt me? Why can't you see that what you're doing seems wrong?" Winter break will begin with you being in love, but it will end with you in confusion, writing words like "love / i can't think about it anymore / my mind squeals and sputters at the word / like a rusty wheel / it turns and turns but never stops squeaking / it wants to keep turning to forget the pain, forget the noise, forget forget / but it can't / the waterworks are stains and reminders." (Eesh, looking back on it, even I feel it.)

I know you will come back from Asia with invisible scars, and with scars come scabs. You'll cover it up and try to numb yourself emotionally - as long as you act fine on the outside, will anyone really notice? (Spoiler: they will.) Honestly, you won't even know these scars exist. You will feel extremely wary of the word "love" and the words "I love you," but you won't really realise why until a few months later.

But then at retreat, God will show you. It will be painful and hard to come to terms with, especially since your 2-ness still is trying to give love away to everyone but now doesn't want to receive it from anyone. Luckily, I also know that you're so blessed with people who love you and who will pray for you. You'll get closer again to one of your best friends, and she'll help you get through. You will come down the mountain with more ties broken now that you have finally identified the issue and why this "love" does not feel right.

That isn't the end, though. Yet, it is the beginning of the end, and it feels great. You will end your junior year feeling better and more confident. You two will still talk, but you will never tell him what you realised at retreat. It is just a friendship, and you try to keep praying for the tie to break completely. I know there will still be times of frustration and confusion, but that is all part of the healing process.

Then a pandemic will hit, and everyone's world flips upside down. 2020 started with everyone joking about 2020 vision, but then it will turn into a year of unprecedented craziness. You will celebrate your 17th in quarantine, reminiscing on your 16th, when he gave you a cupcake and boba. Even though he doesn't do much for your 17th birthday other than a nice text, your friends will again surprise you with tons of boba, gummy bears, and a chaotic group call that makes you feel so, so grateful and blessed. Plus, you spend the morning with that second boy, but just remember that for later.

You two will stop talking consistently during the end of May and into June. There will just be no more connection. You will begin to realise that you don't need to give him care and love if he isn't reciprocating, and that will be so freeing. You will stop trying, and you will finally let go. It feels amazing. You two still talk a bit, but it is scattered and not deep. You will give him a birthday present in June that you bought him back in March, and that will be the last time you will see him in person (as of now). Of course, you still care about him but you will learn and accept that he doesn't need you in his life so you need to move on.

So, long story short, I know that at 16, life seems up in the air and uncertain. You feel matured and smart, yet you will learn so much more about yourself and God in the days to come. You will learn to let go, to worship with all your heart and soul, to lean back on your friends, and to self-care (well, as best you can). 16 will seem like a forever ago, and you will smile when you look back on the songs you wrote and the memories you made. Even though there was pain, there was also hope. You will learn that there is so much more to love than just a boy - there is also family love and friend love and Jesus' unconditional, overwhelming, reckless love. It will be ok.

And then, when you have spent time feeling ok and working on yourself, you will find love again in none other than that second boy. Throughout all of your 16th year and into the beginning of your 17th, your feelings for him will wax and wane but then he will confess to you after you write a song for him for his birthday.At first, you two will be wary of relationships and love - he has 2 ex's and you just go out of a bad situation. But as the weeks play out, he will fall very hard for you, much harder than you had ever expected him to. And, as it turns out, you will too. He will give you time to warm up to "I love you," he will authentically love you back, and he will not be the perfectest boy, but he will be the sweetest, kindest, and cutest boy - you won't think you deserve him and you still sometimes don't. You will be able to break out of the numb feeling you had since the end of 2019, and it will feel so good to feel butterflies again and to write happy love songs again.

So, dear 16-year old self, don't worry. You will go on this journey, and you will come out of it stronger. Keep going.

Love, your 17-year old self