it's fucking 23:00 and i am having some issues 🧍

like i don't even know anymore-

it's always me thinking of the fact i am never going to achieve my dream of getting top surgery to be my true self

being told i am just confused and young to know makes me doubt everything- like i have always been a boy deep inside i have gotten the chance to tell people what pronouns and preferred name i want to be called so i can feel more comfortable with myself

but my parents honestly ruin that, especially my mom. some days she'll say 'mijo' 'guapo' and other masculine terms in spanish but then the next day she goes back to using feminine terms and it just makes me have a internal identity crisis and doubt myself

my birthday party is happening in a few weeks and a few of my friends are coming (that i have came out to and use my preferred name and pronouns) and some of my moms friends are coming too and the issue is that- they all know me by my birth name and use obviously feminine terms. everything will be so awkward because my friends will be calling me Elliot using he/him(or they/them) pronouns and then they will be calling me by my dead name and use she/her-

a thing is that my mother never has given me the chance to come out to anybody i've known for years so she instead will start saying shit about me being a confused 13 year old and how i dress ridiculously, she will make herself seem like the spot light and make people feel bad for having such a bad daughter who believes she's a boy. i get mad with this honestly, like it's not acceptable to share private information that your transgender kid wants to keep in between themselves and making them seem like a clown so others can frown upon and seem as a terrible person that shouldn't be called or labeled as what they are. like even if i try to clear shit up and properly come out they'll say 'oh you're just confused!' 'but what'll happen to our precious princess?' 'i won't call you by that you'll always be [deadname] to us'

i will feel awkward being at the party with people just saying both names and the different pronouns, i would just want to evaporate right there. i hope i just don't get to overly sensitive or overwhelmed with that