DEAR AALIYAH, FROM ANISHA!

oh gosh, i should've written something to you a long, long time ago. and now you won't be able to read it. not this time. and i'm so ashamed that it took me forever to do this. i'm sorry.

you were my world. my galaxy. believe it or not. and don't look at me like that – it's true. you know i have a knack for cute, sappy shit. and you love me for it. otherwise, why would you ask for it all the time?

i don't know what to do anymore. when i heard the news, i was in disbelief. i was thinking this is some sick joke and you were messing with us all, some late april fools joke. i really, really wish that was the case. hey, aaliyah, if that's the case. it's okay. you can come back; i won't be mad. i promise on all of our jellyfish children.

i can't eat without thinking about you. i can't sleep without thinking about you, i wake up recalling our messages to each other. i cry and cry and cry and i can't explain it to anyone in real life, because they think this is some "online friend". and it hurts that i can only rely on the people i've come so close to online. i want to feel your hug, i want to hear you laugh, i want to talk to you about anything, everything, or nothing – because when i was with you, i genuinely had such a great time, even if our conversations were cut short. (stupid timezones!)

i remember how we first met. correction: how i met you first. let's rewind to sometime early 2019. me, being bored as hell, came across your jungkook fanfiction, "rain" – i fell in love with your writing. you were my inspiration to write. i've told you this, how many times now? and it still amazes you. you were my inspiration to write. thank you. it was after reading the first chapter of your book that made me want to be your friend.

that plan kinda took awhile. four or five months later, i somehow got your attention. i don't know what happened between us, but i do remember us talking about dora the explorer and midnight suns – which confused the shit out of you. i guess you wanted to get revenge on me, because your dark humor still confuses me 'till this day. though, i couldn't be more than happy to hear some sort of dark joke from you. just one more.

and you know what? you actually surprised me. you told me we met before that. i think it was -NIVEOUS birthday book, by goddamnitkiwi – you said i commented on that. and you saw it – then you told me you were shook like "nani? fetty wants to be my friend?" yes, you hoebag, i wanted to be your friend.

i'm glad we became friends later though. i'm glad you always reached out to me after your sudden disappearance act – mind you, i never hated you for that (only that one time, but i'll get to that). i'm glad you talked to me. i'm glad you trusted me to tell me what's going on in your life, your love life especially, your secrets – i'm glad we became friends.

i remember you telling me that i was a nice person, and to believe in myself. "you don't have time to regret in life. i mean thinking before acting counts. but not overthinking. if you like it, crown it." when you said that to me, i was over the moon. thank you for giving me inspiration, and motivation, and telling me to strive forward even when my insecure ass was telling me otherwise. you know, i'm still waiting for that angsty book that you didn't promise, but was thinking of, writing for me. take all the time you need, is what i said. it breaks me knowing that your time was cut shut.

i can't believe you're gone. you pre-warned me about your surgery, and you were having second thoughts. like "what if this happens..." or "what if i..." you scared me, during that one week we didn't know we had left. and this was why you always went off the grid.

you were telling me about self-reflection and how you felt bad for keeping others in the dark whilst you were focusing on yourself – to prepare yourself for the surgeries.

you wanted to know what you could've done better, and if you apologized to anyone who you've wronged and everything. you were telling me about how you lost a couple of friends, because they misunderstood your absence for ignorance – and you were glad that you weren't a burden to them. you also told me about your grandma (bless her, she sounds like a super amazing person), and she said to you that not everyone has to know your story because they're still trying to figure out their own story.

when we became friends, we stuck around for about a month or two. by then, i've already grown attached to you. so, when you suddenly left without saying goodbye and deactivated your ig account as well as your wp account, i broke. and i got mad that you didn't say anything. so when you suddenly appeared out of nowhere, i didn't know how to act. i was shocked and a tad bit salty, mind me. but we talked about it. your sudden absences. and that made me happy because i figured you must be going through a lot of stuff in life. that's totally understandable. i didn't expect you to be online 24/7 for 365 days. look, even if you randomly message me after three or four months of being MIA, at like 3 in the bloody morning, i wouldn't mind. in fact, believe it or not, it made me happy that you remembered me. like seriously. i'm cheesy like that.

aaliyah, you're not a burden. i don't care what you think, you're not a burden. girl, you're so strong, very thoughtful, very insightful and can be very deep with a tad bit mysterious. yeah, it still confuses me a lot at times, but those are qualities that make you, you.

this letter got a bit longer than i would've imagined. i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i made this letter kinda cringe towards the end. i'm sorry that i wasn't the best friend that i could be. i'm sorry we didn't get to talk as much as we both would've expected.

you hate my undying love confessions, but you know i never cared. i said it over and over again. and i will continue to say it. again and again and again. i love you, aaliyah. forever and always.

you wanted to be the sun after the surgery, i wanted to be your moon – under the same sky, but we won't meet. but, no, you wanted me to a planet, bigger than jupiter – that causes a black hole in the galaxy, so that you can give me your rays of sunshine. i smile every time when i read why you wanted me to be a planet, you wanted me to go "uwaaah" whenever i see you, bling bling bling.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF AALIYAH - HOPERADIO - OUR WORLD, OUR UNIVERSE, OUR LOVE

REST IN PEACE, ANGEL. 04/03/2003 - 06/06/2021.