Lucky O'Cléirigh

...the next morning...

I am surrounded by an unforgiving blackness, sticky, suffocating and thick as tar, it clings to every inch of the air and swallows all traces of light.. The endless inky void folds in on itself over and over as I sink deeper into the darkness of my nightmares.. The lonely depths of final space itself consumes me whole, chewing me up on to its nothingness, so cold and slow.. When I open my mouth to scream, no sound comes out, no scream or sobs can be heard, as the sensation of breathing underwater chokes the life from my lungs..

This is what it feels like to die and in my death, I am alone..

As quickly as the shadows had seeped in, they twist in a sickened churn to become a viscous sanguine liquid, turning to blood all around me, drowning me in a violent swell of scarlet.. Red is all I can see, it gets in my eyes and distorts my vision.. It's in my nose, musty and metallic and it flows into my mouth..

In the distance there is a chilling voice, distinctive and recognisable.. It reverberates with a haunting resonance to repeat the final words from the man whose soul I had snuffed from existence.. "He'll send you to the slaughter house.. Sell you off-- just like he tried to do to Abigail.."

"Who?!" I try to make sense of the hellscape that closes in on me, unable to see anything and barely able to breathe..

....

Soaked in a cold sweat, I sit bolt upright on a gasping breath, tangled in the luxurious sheets of Konstantin's bed at the break of dawn.. I turn to the still form beside me to see the slumbering Bear still peacefully dreaming, a quiet snore rumbling from his slightly parted lips..

"Oh, god help me.." I breathe a whisper of nauseous relief, realising it had all been a terrible dream..

But then the dreaded truth returns to me.. It wasn't all fantasy.. Diago really is dead and there is nothing I can do to change that..

Uneasy from the guilt, I climb quietly out of bed, pulling on my panties and one of Konstantin's oversized button downs before I make my way down the hallway and into the kitchen.. I begin opening cupboards to find there isn't a single bean of coffee, there's not even a jar of instant.. I mutter to myself in irritation, a nasty hang-over and a ponding headache tormenting me.. "Ugh, God.. What kind of psycho doesn't even have coffee?"

Determined to start the day off on a high note, I rummage through my suitcase, pulling my hastily packed items out until I find a set of pink sunglasses and a pair of light blue jeans which I slip on, tucking in the hem of the oversized white shirt at the waist before I pull on my sneakers and fluffy winter coat..

The first thing on the agenda for this morning is caffeine, and maybe some fresh pastries from the bakery up the road.. Then I can begin to wrap my head around everything that had happened last night..

I smile down at the signet ring on my finger, recalling the one shining light in the mess I've made, the one thing I'm sure I did right.. I said yes..

Today, I'm getting married to the man of my dreams and nothing is going to keep me from my happiness..

Grabbing Konstantin's keys, I turn on my cell phone before I slip out of the apartment and take the stairs down to the street.. Once outside in the bitter frost I dial out Kirby's number as I begin my journey up the sidewalk towards the twenty-four hour convenience store on the corner of the block..

My sister answers the call after several rings, grumbling in a croaky voice.. "Lucky? What the hell--It's 6am!"

"Goooood morning, Sis!" I chirp in an overly merry tone that is sure to piss her off.. She never was a morning person..

"What's so good about it? Ugh-- I don't have to be at the office for another three hours, why are you always up so early?" She whines and I can hear the sounds of her tinkering with her coffeemaker in the background, revealing to me that she has reluctantly gotten out of bed and has made it to the kitchen..

"I just wanted to call and give you the good news!" I pass an elderly gentleman walking his tiny dog and he gives me a curious look, causing me to notice my wild fizzy curls.. I stop for a brief moment to fix my messy hair in a passing shop window as I walk by..

"What good news?" Kirby grumbles through a yawn.. "Are you finally going back to work?"

It figures she'd think that anything to do with work is good news.. The woman is a workaholic and while I appreciate her ethic, I'd always thought I'd do things differently than her..

If I had two beautiful children, I'd never be able to spend my days at the office instead of spending every second with them.. I respect my sister and her decisions, but the truth is the two of us have always been hardwired differently..

She lives to work.. I just worked to live..

Maybe if I loved my job the way she does I would feel differently, but I never got a chance to figure out what kind of work would actually make me happy.. Kirby had been the one to convince me that I should defer art school for a few years since the arts have no intrinsic value in her view.. She had also been the one to get me the internship at ForenX that had somehow formed into a full time position and soon after I was answering to Chyna's every beck and call..

Before I knew it, my entire life was laid out ahead of me without any real choices for me to make.. Once again, I found myself doing what I was told, what everyone else wanted me to do.. I was unable to break away from expectations.. I was too afraid to say no..

Kirby had dictated my every move since I was eight years old.. She mothers me.. And sometimes, even though her intentions are pure, she smothers me..

"No.. Umm-- Actually I was thinking that maybe I'd quit ForenX.." I hum, reaching the Bodega doors and slipping inside.. The comforting warmth of the interior heating is a welcome change from the frosty early morning air outside..

"Quit?! What, why would you do that?! You love your job!" The sharp disapproval in her tone is enough to rattle my resolve and send a defensive ripple through my nerves.. I just hate to disappoint her again.. I hate that nothing I ever do is good enough.. I hate that I always have to feel this way, competitive and less than.. But most of all, I hate that she makes me hate myself..

"No, Kirby, you love your job.. I tolerate mine.." I correct her as I stroll up the aisles looking for the coffee, a cumulative dark cloud of bitterness forming over me, feeding off my insecurities.. "Ever since Chyna put me on leave, I've been thinking; there are other things in life that are more important to me and I want to take some time to pursue them.. I want to figure out who I want to be for myself.."

"What could possibly be more important?" She questions my motives with a scoff of disapproval..

"I dunno.. What about happiness?.. Love.. And family.. It's easy for you, you already have those things but I don't.." I shrug in the centre of the store, even though she can't see me, she must be able to discern my frustration because she changes her approach to a painfully patronizing purr..

"I don't know what you're talking about right now, Lucky.. I'm your family, and you know I love you.. Are you sure everything is alright? You're not doing that thing again, are you?" I can practically hear her doubts dripping down the line in the hesitant drone of her reply as she dismisses the very essence of my yearning as 'that thing'..

"What thing?" I pause, halfway through picking out a bag of the most perfectly robust arabica roast..

"That thing you do when you rip everything in your life apart on a whim because you've found something new to obsess over.." She cuts me deeper than any razor ever could, slicing through my self-confidence in one swift and careless second..

"I don't do that!" I argue in an unconvincing pitch.. Okay so yes, I have been known to hyperfixate at times and maybe I give too much attention to the wrong people, but I can't help that.. All I ever wanted was to be accepted for what I am and I finally found that person who loves me for me.. Its not fair that Kirby doesn't seem to feel that same unconditional acceptance as Konstantin does.. Honestly, it makes me a little angry..

"Yes.. You do.. Lucky, you flaked on art school, even though you begged me to let you go like it was the end of the world if you didn't.. You're always chasing the kind of boys who could never possibly commit, throwing yourself into these one sided relationships.. You skipped out on my invites at every chance you got because you embarrassed yourself and couldn't face the music.." The frustration in her voice is a serrated dagger in my chest and the blame she throws back in my face makes me so angry I could scream..

"Excuse me?" My patience wears thin and my tone becomes short and snappy.. Each compromise I had made for Kirby had gone unnoticed.. I never 'flaked' on art school, she was the one who called it 'a waste of my time'.. I chased unattainable boys because I spent the better part of my life being moved from city to city, never settling down for longer than a few months at a time because she was an IRA militant on the Interpol's most wanted list.. And I skipped out on her invites because I never felt like it mattered whether or not I attended anything..

For her to accuse me of being such an unreliable, self-centred bitch would be laughable if it wasn't so damn hypocritical!

"Are you still digging into the death of that southside girl? Because that's not your job, Lucky, you really don't need that kind of stress--"

My rage reaches its fever pitch as her lecturing pushes the boundaries a step too far.."'That girl's' name was Abigail, and I'm the only person who seems to give a damn about what happened to her.. To everyone else her case is just an inconvenience! What if that had been me, Kirby? Wouldn't you want somebody to care the way I do?"

"Of course I would.. Listen, I know you're under a lot of pressure right now with the Wren Andrews investigation and I know your job is hard but if you stick at it in a few years you'll have every opportunity to--"

"Jesus, Kirby.. Way to minimise the situation.. Do you know how many dead bodies I've seen in the last six months alone?!" I scoff at the way she talks down at me as if I were a child.. "My job isn't 'hard', it's tragic.. I'm not some quitter just giving up because it's too tough and I can't hack it.. I'm resigning because it's fucking heartbreaking and I hate it! I've ALWAYS hated it.. And I shouldn't have to torture myself just for your approval.. Which I never seem to be worthy of anyway! I don't know why I even bother!" I glance around to see the cashier frowning at me in horror and I realise how insane I must sound, screaming at my sister in the middle of the store..

Great.. Just perfect..

Once again, I am the graceless mess, I could never compare to Kirby and her sophisticated facade..

Kirby sighs, sounding exhausted as though I tire her.. "That's not what I meant and you know it-- I wasn't saying your not tough--"

I lower my voice to an irritated growl.. "Oh but that's exactly what you were saying.. I know what you and Hunter both think of me; that I'm so fucking fragile.. You treat I'm this broken doll that needs to take direction and have all my decisions made for me.. Well guess what-- I don't.. I'm a big girl, Kirby and I know what I'm doing.."

After a tense pause she tries again to undermine my determination.. "Do you Lucky? Because you sound kind of--"

"If you say 'crazy' I'm going to hang up on you.." I hiss a savage whisper in response, my blood begins to run hot as a flustered flutter thumps behind my ribcage..

"Not crazy, sweetheart.. But maybe-- a little manic? I just don't want you to have another episode--"

'Episode', she calls it, as if I had a mental breakdown or lost my mind.. When in actuality, all I had done was dare to defy her big plans for me all of one time and she had swiftly sent me off to the shrink.. "Oh, how dare you! We both know I never had an episode, Kirby, I just didn't do what you wanted me to do-- you know there's a big difference between a psychotic break and telling a therapist to fuck off.. I never needed to see a doctor, Kirby, you forced that on me.. Once again, you didn't respect what I wanted.."

"Both Hunter and I thought you needed help after you and Darby broke up-- What he did to you was terrible--" She dredges up the past, conveniently placing the blame on my ex boyfriend when the truth is that I never would have met Declan Darby if it weren't for his obsession with my sister.. Everything that psycho did to me, he did because of her..

But somehow everything is still all my fault..

"You know damn well it wasn't about that.. Kirby, you know exactly what happened to me and it happened long before Declan Darby showed up.. I'm so sick of you pretending it didn't.." I try to keep my temper level as I hand the bag of coffee across to the clerk who quickly scans it and hands it back before accepting my bank card in return..

"Calm down, sweetie.. I'm only trying to help.." Her patronizing coo is enough to make me want to puke.. I hate the pity, even more than I hate all the pretending..

Enough is enough..

No more walking on eggshells and biting my tongue..

I'm done..

"Oh really?" I snort, watching the clerk swipe my card before he hands it back and I shove it into my jeans pocket with an apologetic smile, quickly rushing to leave the Bodega.. I'll probably never be able to show my face in there again after this embarassment.. "If you wanted to help, you'd've been happy for me just now, instead of trying to shove me back into a box I don't belong in.. And you definitely wouldn't making out like I'm some stupid lunatic who needs a psych evaluation when you know the truth as well as I do.."

"Lucky--" She tries to cut me off but I don't stop to listen to her excuses.. I'm too worked up and there is too much at stake to let her talk me into seeing things her way.. If I give her the chance I know she can convince me of just about anything.. Part of what makes my sister an incredible lawyer is the very same thing that makes her an expert manipulator..

"No, you know what.. Don't worry about me, Kirby.. You can just keep pretending that you're the perfect sister, you're the saint and I'm just the mess that you keep trying to clean up.. Well guess what, you can polish me all you want I'll never be shiny like you.. I don't need you to save me, Sis.. You were always too late for that anyway.."

I can hear the shock shake her breath, the meaning of my words not at all lost on her.. "That's not fair--"

"You wanna talk about fair?! Was it fair for me to take all the touching and the torment? Was it fair that he slept in my bed instead of yours?" I spit, my temper flaring like a blazing wildfire now.. Even as I speak I know that I should shut my mouth, but for some reason I just can't stop.. "You knew what Lorcan was doing to me all those years.. You knew and you did nothing, because you didn't want him to do it to you.. You let it be me.. You never wanted to save me, you just wanted to save yourself.."

"I--I didn't--" She stammers.."I didn't know.."

"Yes.. You did, I know you did.. And deep down, you know it too.. You just don't want to admit it, because the guilt eats you alive.. Maybe you deserve to feel guilty, Kirby.. You should think about that for once, instead of making me feel like I'm not good enough.. Maybe you're the bad sister.."

"Lucky, please-- Don't say that.."

"Ugh.. Look what you did!" I cry now, tears streaming down my cheeks that I wipe away on the sleeve of my coat.. "I was happy today and you totally fucking ruined it!"

"I'm sorry.." My sister sobs, sincere pain permeating her shuddering breath..

I feel terrible and angry at the same time, but it's too late to undo what has been done.. I said too much and now I can't take it back.. I'm not even sure if I want to.. "Whatever.. I was just calling to tell you that-- I'm getting married.. But it doesn't matter now, because I'd really rather you weren't there to ruin that too.."

"You're what?" Kirby gasps.. "Marrying who?! Lucky you can't do that--"

"Ugh!" I groan, so sick of being told what I can and can't do.. "Yes, I can.."

-WEEOO-WEEOO-WEEOO-

Just then a flash of police lights blink blue and red and the sound of an emergency siren screams as a black sedan screeches up to the sidewalk and Brody Donovan climbs out, all six feet of fair muscle and lean athleticism wrapped in a worn leather jacket.. His short flaxen locks bristling in the breeze as he shouts at me in that thick Cork accent.. "Lucky O'Cléirigh! Yeh' under arrest for conspiracy and accessory to murder, yeh' have the right to remain silent--"

I blink in disbelief, looking around to see that people have stopped to watch the scene unfold.. "Holy shit.. Kirby-- Brody's here.. I'm--I'm being arrested.."

"Listen to me Lucky, don't say anything to anybody, I'll be there, Sweetheart.. I promise, I'm gonna get you out.." My sister panics but my voice is lost to shock as He stalks across the sidewalk to me, pulling a pair of cuffs from the back of his belt..

Brody grabs a painful hold of my arm, twisting it up behind my back and my cell phone clatters to the sidewalk where it shatters, surrounded by a spray of coffee beans.. "Anythin' yeh' say can and will be used against yeh' in a court of law.. Yeh' have the right to an attorney--"

"Owh, Brody, please! You're hurting me!" I plead as he clicks the cuffs closed around my wrists and drags me back towards the car.. People stare but nobody intervenes, they're all just a bunch of rubberneckers entertained by the craziness..

"If yeh' can'ee afford an attorney, one will be provided for yeh'."

"Why are you doing this, Brody?!" I don't resist his arrest, allowing him to lead me over to the car.. "Please--, I don't understand?"

Even as I say the words, I can taste the lie.. I understand that I am not a good girl.. That I have done terrible things.. I killed a man.. And now I'm going to pay for it..

This is God's way of punishing me..

The only thing that flashes in my mind is Konstantin and at that moment I decide that I will confess as soon as we get to the station.. I'll tell the police everything.. I won't let him take the blame for my bad actions.. I won't let him go back to prison to protect me.. He will be angry at me at first, but he will understand why I had to save him.. I love him too much to let him go down for what I've done..

Brody seems to be thinking the same thing because he leans down, whispering close to my ear in snide satisfaction.. "Yeh' made yer' bed, Babe.. Now you and that Russkiy-fuck can both sleep in it.. Together.."

"Seriously? You're arresting me because I'm seeing somebody else? You're fucking sick! When Kirby hears about this--!"

Brody spins me around to smile down at me with a sickening smirk and I am forced to face the poor choices of my past all over again.. "Where yer' goin', Baby, yer' sister can'ee save ya.."

How could I have ever cared for this man? How could I have been so blind to his inner evil? Am I really that stupid?

Brody shoves me into the back of the car alongside a young guy with baggy clothes, dark hair and a yellow bandana tied around his forehead.. As I shift in my seat and glance over at the gangbanger, I recognise him immediately..

He is the same Calavera thug who had grabbed me on the street in the 818 and judging by the grin on his face, he remembers me too.. "Hey hey, Mamacita! You ain't so sweet after all, guess Diago did ya dirty, huh? Even he couldn't save ya from The Big Digs!"

"What did you just say?" I gape at the cartel-kid, his words echoing around the recesses of my aching skull..

He nods his head towards Brody who circles the hood of the car... "Big Digs Donovan, he always did like to grab em' young n' pretty ones.. I'll be outta here by 4:20, but you-- Shiiit Chica, he ain't never gonna let yo' fine ass go.."

"Oh.. God.." Bile rises in the back of my throat as the nauseating realisation snakes through my intestines, so sickening that my skin crawls.. This is exactly what Diago had been trying to warn me about.. His dirty partner who he'd been unable to control.. "Brody is The Big Digs?"

The thug swaggers from side to side with a smug smirk.. "You didn't know? Hell Gringa, he's the fuckin' dog of the devil.."

"What does that mean?" My mouth is painfully dry, like after a sip of scalding hot water, my throat burns tight and my voice rasps in quiet fear..

"Means he likes to eat his meat real slow, Mamacita.. A tasty little cut like you, he'll be chewin for days.. Arff-Arff arooooooh!" The thug barks and howls like a dog as Brody opens the driver's side door to slip in behind the wheel, glaring at me in the rear view mirror while he snaps at the thug..

"That's enough outta you, Lopez, quit playin' with my dinner.."

....

Twenty minutes later the police car pulls up in the 818, just a few blocks from where the Brightly's live.. The crooked detective opens the door to let Lopez out as I cower on the far side of the backseat, terrified of what might happen next.. Overwhelmed in disillusionment and drowning in fear, my entire body rattles with shakes..

Brody uncuffs The Calavera kid and lets him walk free.. "You tell Javier Carrera to gimme a call if he wants in on the next auction, he knows where to find me.."

The name 'Javier Carrera' rings familiar to my ears, one that I have heard before in association to the smugglers of Sinaloa.. He is a drug lord.. The Capos of the Cartel.. A dangerous man with a dark reputation for violence..

Lopez looks over his shoulder at me, still smiling that taunting smirk that makes me sick to my stomach.. "What about the ginga? Is she on the market, cus he'd take a bite outta her anyday?"

Brody chuckles and shakes his head.. "Nah, I got me some big plans for this bitch.. The Commie Devil will pay top dollar, she's premium stock.. A virgin.." His wicked taunt turns into a sneer as he too turns to look at me, dipping his head to peer into the backseat as he jeers in insult.. "At least that's what she claims.. But I fuckin' doubt it.."

Lopez nods thoughtfully, accepting Brody's word as if he were an authority in the 818.. Because he is.. "Whatever the Russians are offering, Carrera will double it, he's always looking for untainted trim.."

I am forced to remember everything that Diago had warned me about.. From the time I had dismissed his intentions as jealousy when he claimed that I was too good for Brody to the night he showed up at my apartment and tried to tell me that the Irishman had taken control of the streets.. Everything Detective Juarez told me had been the truth and I am now beginning to realise that I should have listened..

Brody sucks his teeth with a callous and cold dismissive click of his tongue as his ominous threat chills my blood down to the bone.. "Tsk.. No can do, laddie.. She's already been sold.."