Konstantin Ivanov

Lucky becomes silent as the dead, absorbing the impact of my words as she slowly sinks back down to sit on the end of the bed, her expression agonisingly hurt.. Tears glitter at the edges of her emerald eyes and her breath becomes a stilted series of short sharp gasps.. "Is this because I pressured you last night? I thought you wanted me, but I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything.. Please, Konstantin-- I-- I won't do it again.."

Last night had been nothing short of bliss, but it betrayed everything in the natural order of life and balance of the universe..

"I did not feel pressure, Luchenskaya.. I feel perverted.." It was wrong of me, to satiate myself with the flesh of such a darling girl.. I cannot take her most precious youth from her, have her waste her golden time on me.. I won't steal the best years of her life..

I want her to have everything and perhaps now she believes I can make her happy, but I have been here before..

Arina once believed in me, gave me her heart and trust and for that she ended up dead.. Drown in despair and frozen beneath the ice, taking my son and my sanity with her..

I will not be the evil to extinguish Lucky's light..

Her sunshine will burn so much brighter without me, and it had taken last night for me to realise just how vile and selfish my actions have been..

I have a responsibility to protect her from making the worst mistake of her life in trusting me.. I am supposed to have the wisdom to know what is best and do what is right..

"This is all because you still think I'm too young.. Isn't it? Or is it because I'm a virgin?" Her teeth clench together in annoyance and her nose crinkles in that cute way it does when she's angry.. "Do you really believe I'm that stupid.. Do you think I'm too dumb to know what I want?"

"Nyet.. It iz becauze you know exactly what you want, Malishka.." I settle beside her to make my efforts to explain, though our distance in age is definitely a factor.. I am twice as old and ten times as exhausted.. I couldn't keep up with her, even if I wanted to, there is no pretending that soon enough she will see me as an old man, weighing her down.. "You want to be married, to make a family, to have children, Da?"

I find it impossible to believe that she understands the difference between us is an obstacle impossible to overcome..

I am forty two, over the hill, turning grey and soon to be another year older.. While she is a sunny eyed twenty years younger..

She puzzles as she turns to peer up at me, batting her dark lashes as my heart sinks to my stomach where it corrodes and cracks.. "So? Don't you want those things too?"

Even with the stupid longing I have for it, I can see the ending and consider the optics far more effectively than Lucky.. A wedding and and a child would be a chain that tied her to me forever.. A chain I want nothing more to wrap her in like a hostage to hold her captive.. Even if it wouldn't be fair..

But she would soon dream of her escape..

I am certain of this..

So instead I shake my head.. "Nyet.. I failed at thiz already.. And I am much too old for children.."

"That's bullshit.." She sniffs in refusal..

"In ten years from now, you will see--"

"Ugh! Shut up! I'm so sick of being treated like a baby!" Lucky leaps to her feet and begins searching for her jeans.. "If you really felt this way, why did you ever kiss me? What was last night? You can sit there and lie to yourself all you like, but you're done lying to me.." With a haughty attitude she steps into her pants and begins searching for the rest of her clothes.. "You want to know what I think, Konstantin, the problem isn't me or my age.. No, the problem is that you're a fucking coward."

I choke on a bark of dry laughter.. She is so accurate in her assessment of me.. "Hm.. Perhapz.."

"You don't want anyone to see what I see.. That deep down, you're just that same lonely little boy who watched the boats, hoping someone would love him.." She squares her shoulders and fights back her tears as she folds her arms to scold me.. "Well here I am.. Me! I fucking love you! And you're too fucking scared to admit that you love me back! You're so afraid of all the ways it might go wrong in the end that you won't even let it begin.."

"Solnyshko--"

"Stop calling me that! Stop treating me like a little kid and being so fucking sweet while you're cutting out my heart! At least have the guts to carve me up with conviction.. If you don't love me, then prove it.. Put me out of my fucking misery and stop jerking me around!"

May God forgive me for my sick stupidity and cold utilitarian tact, but it is all I can do to make her see that I am unworthy of everything she is sacrificing to be with me..

"Vury well.." If I must prove to her my heartlessness, then so be it.. I rise to my feet, fixing the collar of my shirt as she plucks her fuzzy fur coat from the floor to pull it on over her bra before buttoning it up.. "You are silly little girl playing many dangerouz gamez, with no idea ov' the rulez by which life must be lived.. You look to me not becauze I am the man you dream ov', but becauze you are so desperate for a daddy to love you, even though he is disguzting, evil man who doez not deserve a drop of your devotion.. You abandon reazon in matterz of 'ze heart and give so foolishly to thoze who seek only to crush your spirit in their cruel hands.. You are naive and reckless, behaving like spoiled brat when all you desire is not appeazed immediately.. You are immature, impulsive and impatient, and thiz haz been the cause of much pain and failure.. And you know all thiz iz true but still you repeat the same mistakez.."

Her mouth opens and closes as she sucks in a sharp breath of shock.. "Wow.. You're cold as charity, Konstantin.." She breathes a bitter breath of fire and glares at me through furious eyes.. "You wanted me to hate you? Fine.. Then I hate you.. I hope you're fucking happy now!"

"Ov' courze I am not, Malishka.." I follow as she whirls around and stomps out through the living room to the front door where she bends to stomp her sneakers on.. "Do not be so dramatic, I do not say thiz to be cruel, I say it to be honest.. Let me take you home--"

"Dramatic?! Are you joking?" She snarks.. "I'd rather take a taxi, or hell-- I'll walk.. Whatever gets me away from you fastest, you affectless fucking asshole!"

Everything is falling apart around me and all I can do is watch it crumble.. I should have done this long ago or better yet, I should never have let our flirtations begin..

I should never have interfered that night when I saw her crying in the street.. I should have left her alone and continued to admire her quietly from afar..

I had never wanted to hurt her and still that is exactly what I have forced myself to do..

With one last bitter glance in my direction she points a finger at me in scathing condemnation.. "You call me impulsive and immature, but your inethical culpability suggests you're the one who needs to take a long hard look in the mirror, Big Bear.." She lifts her chin in confidence, holding herself with all the grace I've always known she was capable of, all the while cutting me down.. "I'm the one trying to improve myself, taking charge of my own destiny, while you wallow in the past and pretend nothing matters.. Maybe I'm still learning and yeah I'm younger than you, but don't act like I'm not emotionally intelligent enough to know myself.. That's your fucking problem, Konstantin, not mine."

"Yokarnyî babaî!" I breathe in impressed irritation.. The complexity of her words process slowly in my psyche but as they settle to make sense the truth in them is devastating..

She's so insightfully intelligent..

How can it be that she sees me like no other?

Am I the one making a mistake?

Did I really just give up the best thing I ever had?

Fuck!

Once again I find myself doubting my decisions.. But before I can even begin to formulate an argument against her accusations, I'm interrupted by a heavy knock at the door..

-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-

Lucky, already in place to leave reaches for the doorknob..

"Nyet, Malishka--wait--" I step forward to stop her from opening the door but before I can catch her hand she has twisted the lock..

Discomfort and suspicion squirms through my innards when I see him standing in the hallway, his demonic dark eyes dancing in delight to have caught me in an unprepared position..

Nika always did love to take the upper hand from me.. It is how he maintains his control over the zakone, by staying one step ahead, always knowing who is who and how to hurt them to achieve his desired results..

With Lucky, and now Katya returning to my life, I am more susceptible than ever to his manipulations and judging by the sinister smile he gives me, he is all too aware of that fact..

He will weaponize these women I love against me without hesitation..

"Privyet Reaper! I have come to assess 'ze progress of our arrangement.. I do hope I am not interrupting.." Nika leers at me over the top of Lucky's head before dropping his intensely curious gaze to assess her.. "Who iz thiz pretty little printsessa? I did not realize you were keeping such beautiful company, Comrade, or I would have insisted we meet sooner.. I see now why Anastasia could do nothing to tempt you.. She doez not compare to your shlyukha.."

When he speaks of Lucky as if she were one of his common whores, I want nothing more than to cut out his tongue, but the consequences of this would only lead to bloodshed, so instead I grit my teeth together and fight my defensive instincts..

"Um-- Hello.." Lucky mumbles and stumbles a step back, bumping into my chest as Nika steps forward with the devil in his dazed eyes..

"It iz my pleazure to meet you pretty mizz, I am Nikolaj Kalashnik, but I would allow a pretty girl like you to call me Nika--" He extends his hand to Lucky but I take her shoulder and push her behind me before she can make contact with his tainted flesh..

I cannot let her sacred skin touch the hand of the devil for the fear he would set her on fire..

"Nika, if you wish to test me--" I warn in a low, promising tone.. "Thiz is not the place to do it.. My loyalty remainz unchanged, do not take thiz for granted.."

Nika smiles at me with nothing behind his stark stare before he casts his curious dark eyes over Lucky who peeks out from behind me.. "I wonder if she iz the reason you have been distracted from your duty, Brat Ivanov?"

"Nyet, Brat, I am focused." I grunt..

"Ah, I have my doubts about thiz, Kostya.." He clicks his tongue in mocking disappointment.. "You know 'ze rulez.. If your cyka iz not loyal to me, she iz not loyal at all.." He moves to step around me, expecting me to allow him access to the woman I love to prove myself.. He means to have her.. To bed her and humiliate me.. To teach me that there is nothing that belongs to me that he cannot take..

I sidestep swiftly to block his path, prepared to throw away my loyalty to the brotherhood, my own safety, hell, my entire life to prevent such a violation.. I will never allow him to lay a finger on Lucky.. "If you touch her, Nikolaj, I will kill you.."

Nika grins wider in appreciation of my threat, though spark of excitement and anger electrifies his wicked glare at my disobedient objection.. "Reaper! I have not before seen such fire in you! She really iz something special 'zen.. How selfish you muzt be to hoard her to yourself.. What iz yourz iz mine, brother.."

"What iz mine, iz mine, Kalashnik.." I assert without any patience for his twisted mind games, but he isn't in the least concerned about me, too caught up in his interest in Lucky to even look at me..

Nika folds his hands into his pockets, rocking back on his heels to taunt me farther by addressing her with a chuckling rasp and ignoring me entirely.. "Tell me little mizz, are you a vury good kitty, or are you 'ze feral kind?"

"Zatknis', chert voz'mi!" I growl at Nika to shut the fuck up, further overstepping my place and putting myself in a position certain to evoke punishment..

The Pakhan will not forgive my disrespect easily.. I know he will ensure my insubordination will not go unchecked..

But I don't care, his attack has triggered a Pavlov's Dog's reaction in me, one that barks at me to fight.. I will gladly suffer those consequences so long as he leaves my sweet sunshine out of our feud..

Nikolaj turns his shoulder to step back, holding up his hands, feigning a surrender that I know is simply for show.. "Touchy touchy! I joke, Comrade!"

"Your Meksikanskiy will be taken care of, all will be done, dat' zub.. There iz no reazon to fight, my friend, do not create one.." I smooth in assurance that I will perform the task I had previously agreed to..

"'Zen there is nothing more to discuzz today.. I will leave you with your beloved printsessa.. For now.." Nika nods, never taking his eyes from my sunshine, enamored by her light.. "Do svidaniya, darling.." He wriggles his tattooed fingers to wave goodbye to Lucky before he turns and leaves and I close the door behind him with a breath of relief..

"Uh-- who the hell was that guy?!" Lucky blinks up at me impatiently..

"Nika.." I mutter, frustrated by the intersection of their acquaintance as I rub at my temples..

"Are we not going to talk about what just happened?" She huffs, annoyed by my tight lipped response.. "Or how creepy that guy was?"

I sigh, exhausted from the late night of drinking and the morning of fighting.. "Nyet.. We are not at all going to talk about anything.."

"Then I'm still leaving-- get out of my way.." She waves a hand, motioning for me to move, but I remain still as a sentinel in posted in front of the door..

"Pozhaluysta, Kiska.." I implore, unwilling to take the risk that Nika is waiting downstairs to snatch her away like Koschei.. "Allow me to take you home.. I muzt know you are safe.."

"Why wouldn't I be safe?" She softens, fear tightening the curve of her slender neck..

"Becauze Nika doez know who you are."

....

After driving a reluctant and irate Lucky across town to her apartment, I had sat outside in the Porsche for over an hour, steeped in paranoia and regret..

The way she had ignored me the entire ride before getting out of the car without so much as a goodbye, hurt even more than I had been expecting..

I know that I've fucked up, in all regards..

I had cut her with my cruel words and I had distanced myself from her too late and now, Nika has her in his sights..

As I fit the key into the door and push into my apartment I am greeted by a sweet floral scent and a heavy sadness.. Lucky's perfume fills the room and I follow my nose into the living area where I find her soft cotton shirt, still hung over the back of the sofa, fragrant with her heavenly aroma..

Blyat'!

I pour myself a glass of Katya's Rakija and drain it down before taking Lucky's silky button down with me as I wander down the hall to the bedroom.. There I lay down in the tangle of messy sheets that still smell like sugar and warmth, placing the folded shirt beside me and closing my eyes to breathe her in..

I fucking miss her already..

I lay there in still silence until my headache begins to subside beforeI roll to my side to feel the crinkle of paper beneath my shoulder.. I sit up to find a crumpled envelope filled with the pictures of my past..

Peeling it open I slide the grainy black and whites from inside to see a dear, youthful face that haunts me.. Arina smiles from the glossy paper, all soft brunette silk and sweet eyes, she is a vision of Eastern European elegance.. A bundle of blankets and my beautiful baby boy in her loving arms and beside her, a younger version of myself, decorated in a sharp M69 Soviet uniform, smiling upon them, blissfully ignorant of the dark days that would follow..

I remember when this picture was taken, a few weeks after Ivar had been born and days before my deployment to take part in the Afghan War resolutions..

Arina had been at her happiest and our lives had seemed to just be beginning..

"Eta maya vina.. I am sorry, I killed you both, Moya Lyubov'.. Vinovat, kayus'.." I mumble to the ghosts that I know cannot hear me.. My heart becomes heavy and my head hurts as a pressure builds behind my eyes.. "How cold you must have been.. How alone.. Forgive me.. Proshu.."

Perhaps if I could cry, I would be able to feel whatever it is I am supposed to feel..

But I am broken, defeated and detached.. I cannot find my way back to the man I want to be.. I am lost, adrift and alien.. My soul is burnt and tarnished and my spirit sleeps beneath a suffocating pile of cold dirt.. I am nothing, so no tears fall from my eyes and the empty numbness remains..

Without my sunshine to brighten the shouds that swallow any joy I had absorbed from her glorious rays, there is nothing left but a darkness that chews away my confidence to consume me whole, burying me in black..