Inside of the cave, Lopez is standing in front of Simmons. His armor is maroon with a brown trim. Simmons starts to wake up, chained to a stone ball.

Simmons: (moans) Ugh, what happened?

Lopez: [Hello.]

Simmons: What, am I dead? I see my body, am I in heaven?

Lopez: [I am taking your place on Red Team.]

Simmons: (moans) Ugh, why is my body speaking Spanish? Oh no, did I go to Mexican heaven by mistake? That's like white people hell.

(AND SIMMONS' RACISM CONTINUES!)

Lopez: [No. Replacing you is the only way I can get access to the equipment I need to research these quakes.]

Simmons: I knew it! You just wanted to become super popular so you take my place!

Lopez: [I wouldn't need to be super popular to do that.]

Simmons: You're gonna regret this Lopez.

Lopez exits the cave leaving Simmons alone inside.

Lopez: [I don't see how.]

Simmons: (yelling) We'll all regret this!

Lopez: [That didn't even make sense!]

At Red Base, Sarge, Grif, and Slade stand on the roof.

Sarge: I still don't understand, how does more breaks make us more efficient?

Another earthquake briefly occurs.

Grif: It's simple, if we have less hours to do work, we got more done in less time. It's all ratios.

Slade: Grif, do you even know what the hell a ratio is?

Lopez: (walks up) [Hello.]

Sarge: Simmons, where in Sam hell have you been?

Lopez: [Cave... study.]

Grif: You sound weird.

Sarge: Yeah, almost like he's speaking a foreign language, but he's speaking very slowly and clearly, so I understand what he means.

Grif: Me too.

Sarge: What have you been up to?

Lopez: [Oh you know. The usual human things like: urinating and getting math problems wrong for no reason.]

Grif: Sounds boring.

Sarge: I didn't understand that one.

Grif: Me neither, but boring is always a safe bet with Simmons.

Sarge: Good point.

Lopez: [Please excuse me. I need to check out some equipment.]

Grif: Okay. Bye Simmons.

Sarge: Good luck with whatever you're doing.

Lopez: [Thank you.]

Lopez leaves and goes inside the Red base.

Slade: You both realize that was Lopez and NOT Simmons, right?

Grif: That wasn't Lopez!

Sarge: Exactly, you got your head turned around or something, son?

Slade: (sighs, and walks off) Why do I even bother?

Slade heads inside the base and finds Looez looking for tools. He then aims his gun at the robot.

Slade: Look Lopez, I really like you, mate. And I don't want to have to shoot you. So just tell me where Simmons is, and I'll let you scan the earthquakes.

Lopez: [He's up in the caves chained to an iron ball.]

Slade: (lowers gun) Iron ball? Mate, we aren't in the 1920s anymore. Where d'you even find an iron ball?

Lopez: [It was just lying in a scrap pile behind the base. You know, the one where Sarge says he keeps his 'spare parts'?]

Slade: (quietly) That prickly old mother- Okay, thanks mate. And for the record, I understand you and did tell you to go ahead with scanning the earthquakes.

Lopez: [Also for the record, Simmons wanted to short-circuit me because he said I was taking his place on Red Team or whatever.]

Slade: Like I've been saying since the day we were shipped out here, he is a whiny bitch that cries like a baby if he isn't coddled time-to-time. (sighs) Alright, just do you scanning thing and I'll get his ass out of there. And you may wanna wash the maroon off your armor. You didn't exactly do a good job pulling it off as him.

Lopez: [None of the others noticed.]

Slade: That's 'cause they're dumbarses.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

At Blue Base, Tex and Rho meet up with Epsilon, Tucker, and Caboose, who are all disoriented.

Epsilon: Ooh man. Instead of a big white blur, now everything's just a big black blur.

Tucker: Man, my head should only hurt this much if I had more fun the night before.

Caboose: WHAT?!

Tucker: Ow, Caboose! Stop yelling! Someone get me an aspirin.

Tex: You guys are babies.

Epsilon: Babies? You chucked a grenade at us you stupid bitch. What do you expect?

Tex: Hey, there's a big difference between a flashbang and a grenade.

Tucker: It doesn't seem like it.

Rho: Hey, Captain Deusche-Canoe. If it was a grenade, you three wouldn't be standing here bitching about being blind.

Tex: Exactly.

Tucker: (to Epsilon) This is your girlfriend I take it?

Epsilon: Oh yeah, Tucker, Tex. Tex, Tucker (mumbles)... there you go.

Tucker: S'up.

Tex: Hello.

Caboose: (yelling) Are people meeting other people?! I want to meet people!

Tucker: No you don't, and stop yelling.

Caboose: (yelling) Nice to meet you, MR. YELLING!

Epsilon: You know, why would you attack us? Aren't you coming all the way out here to help us?

Tex: Hey, I needed to evaluate the situation. I heard someone was dead, I show up here and three idiots are standing around arguing. I'm not walking into that blind.

Tucker: So you made us blind?

Rho: Oh, go cry to your girlfriend- Oh, wait I forgot. You don't have a girlfriend, Aqualad!

Tucker: Why didn't you help us, dude?

Rho: Help you?! Why didn't any of you just punt the damn thing?!

Tucker: Well, why didn't YOU punt the fucking thing?!

Rho: I didn't know how many seconds it had! Plus, considering how long you argued about the damn flashbang, you could've kicked it away in that time!

Tex: He has a point. And besides, it's not lethal.

Epsilon: So what! That's wha- is that supposed to make us feel better? A kick in the balls would be non-lethal too.

Tex: That depends on who does the kicking.

Tucker: Is that a threat?

Tex: Heh, how 'bout we call it an experiment? See what happens.

Tucker: How about we agree to disagree?

Tex: Good idea. So, who's dead?

Tucker: Oh nobody. We just made a mistake. We thought-

Epsilon: (coughs) Uhh, we thought we should bury our dead teammate and then take his name off the roster so that no one could prove he was never here.

Tucker: We did?

Epsilon: Yes, because that's what she is here to investigate Tucker. And if that guy didn't exist, why would she stick around?

Tucker: (plays along) Oh right. Yeah, I thought she meant some other nonexistent guy, who didn't die. Not the one guy who did die.

Rho: (rolls eyes) Nice save...

Tex: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wai- why did you remove him from the roster?

Epsilon: Uhh, I don't know. Seemed appropriate at the time. You know it's like a respect thing.

Tex: What was his name?

Epsilon: Anderson.

Tucker: Smith.

Tex: Well, was it Anderson or Smith?

Epsilon: Uhh... Andersmith. Private Andersmith.

Tex: Andersmith?

Caboose: Ohh, Mr. Andersmith, I'll always miss you! You were too young to die.

Tucker: Yeah, he was like ten seconds old.

Epsilon: (angrily) Shut up, Tucker.

Rho: (shakes his head) This is just an unending avalanche of stupidity.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Back at Red Base, Grif is standing on a hill as Donut walks up next to him.

Donut: Hey, Grif. Have you seen Simmons?

Grif: Yeah, we're working on some equipment together.

Lopez (still disguised as Simmons) is seen scanning the area, using a green glowing device.

Donut: Together?

Grif: Yeah. He went up the hill, he said he needed my help, so I said, "No problem. I'll be there in a few minutes."

Donut: When was that?

Grif: About 5 hours ago.

Donut: Oh... so, how is the project going?

Grif: Well, he hasn't asked for help again, which means I haven't had to think of a new excuse, so, I'd say it's going great!

Donut: What's he doing?

Grif: I dunno. He's got some new toys or something up there, I guess he's testing them out.

Donut: Toys?

Grif: Yeah.

Donut: "Toys" is a broad term Grif. It can mean a lot of things.

Grif: Gadgets.

Donut: Go on.

Grif: Electronic devices.

Another earthquake occurs.

Donut: I think I'll go check this out for myself.

Grif: You do that.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

At the cave, Simmons attempts to escape from his chains.

Simmons: (struggling) If I could just riddle free a... little..., maybe I can... loosen... this!

The lock on his ankle suddenly blew off, making Simmons yelp and fall on his ass. Simmons looked up and sees Slade with his pistol smoking from the barrel.

Simmons: Jesus, Slade! You didn't have to shoot the fucking lock off!

Slade: (holsters pistol) You're welcome.

Simmons: (stands up) How'd you find me anyway?

Slade: Lopez told me. He also told me you tried to barbecue him.

Simmons: What?! And you believe him over me?!

Slade: He was right about you being here in the cave, wasn't he? Plus, you got yourself into this mess because of your fucking jealousy and whiny personality.

Simmons: (groans)

Slade: (gestures to cave's exit) After you.

Simmons drops his head and walks out with Slade shaking his head and grabbing his Lancer off his back.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Back at Blue Base, Tex is standing on a hill talking on her radio.

Tex: Command, do you read me? This is Freelancer Tex reporting in.

Vic: (over radio) Roger that señorita! We read you loud and clarita! How you doing?

Epsilon, Rho, Tucker, and Caboose, all watch her from afar.

Epsilon: Okay, I just need to make sure she sticks around for a little while. You know, so I can... talk to her a little bit more; and investigating this dead guy, is gonna be a good distraction.

Tucker: It doesn't bother you that you made up a guy out of nowhere, and then killed that guy, just to have a chance to talk to your girlfriend?

Rho: Yeah, man. Women always, and I mean ALWAYS, figure out the truth.

Epsilon: No, no, no, it's like a ne... ing... to... er, whatever you call it. I-it's even. You know, he didn't exist before and he doesn't exist now. No harm, no foul. Right?

Tucker: Dude, you seriously got to look into this "stalker" thing.

Caboose: I miss him.

Epsilon: You miss who?

Caboose: Andersmith. He's a reminder of how close we all are just to not being here one day.

Tucker: He wasn't here ANY days, idiot. He doesn't exist!

Caboose: Oh, how could you say that? (quietly) Don't you believe in the afterlife?

Epsilon: Wha-? Afterlife implies life at some point. He didn't have one.

Rho: Guys, how is this even surprising? You make something up right in front of him, and Caboose immediately thinks it's real no matter how fucking retarded it sounds.

Caboose: (sobbing) He was so young. He had hopes and dreams.

Epsilon: He WAS a dream.

Caboose: Yes he was... to all of us who knew him.

Tucker: Okay, I'm actually less worried about you now, and I'm more worried about Caboose.

Epsilon: Caboose, he didn't exist. You never knew anyone named Andersmith. None of us did.

Caboose: Denial is an important stage in grieving.

Epsilon: Yeah, apparently denial is an important part of reality too.

Tucker: Yeah, take it from the guy who calls that chick his girlfriend.

Rho: And THIS coming from the guy who says he's an expert on love and yet he's still a sad, lonely virgin.

Tex: Roger that. Over and out Command.

Tex turns off her radio and begins heading towards the others.

Epsilon: Oh shit, she's done with her call! (panicking) Quick... uh, talk about something else! Uhhmm...?!

Tucker: Like what?

Epsilon: (panicking) Anything! Anything! Uhh... uh, okay! Uh, you know what, I think you're right Rho! Cows can't talk, but maybe they can't talk because no one ever taught 'em how to do that. Right?

Rho: (drops head in hands) Oh, my fucking God!

Tucker: That might have been the worst ad-lib ever.

Caboose: You just blew my mind with the cow thing.

Tucker: That ain't hard dude.

Rho: And yet you're still small and unimpressive in that department.

Tucker: Man, I am gonna fucking-

Tex walks up to them.

Tex: Alright, here's the deal: I'm gonna stick around until we get this "dead guy thing" solved.

Epsilon: Ohh, really? Well that's great! Isn't that perfect Tucker?

Tucker: Don't gloat.

Caboose: Yes, Ms. Scary. I have a question. Um, how are we going to fix the dead... guy... being... dead?

Tex: Oh we're not. We're gonna even the teams. Come on, let's go up the hill and kill one of the Reds. Then I could get out of this mud puddle.

Epsilon: Oh...?

Rho: Still feeling gloat-y, Church?

Tex: Hey, I'll even let you pick which one. Come on, let's go.

Epsilon: Well this sounds like... fun?

Caboose: Let's pack a picnic.

Tucker: We could always just eat the Red we kill. Hey Church, pick the fat guy!

Rho: When the fuck did you guys become cannibals?!