Fortress Beach
Sarge is currently explaining his plan to the group.

Sarge: Okay, listen up dirtbags and Leo.

Grif: Hey!

Sarge: Shut it dirtbag, anyway if we're gonna invade this fortress, we need a good gameplan. I have got two options we can use.

Leo: What's option one?

Sarge: Will all run straight at the base in a single file line, screaming at the top of our lungs. The enemy will be so flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we'll already be inside.

Tucker: Oh yeah right, they're not gonna get surprised, they're just gonna start mowing us down.

Leo: Why do we have to form a single file line anyway?

Sarge: That's the inherent beauty of the single file line, boys! They can only kill the person in front. So if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.

Simmons: Don't you think Caboose should be in the back, since he's the one carrying the bomb?

Sarge: Nope, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.

Leo: Ummm Sarge, that doesn't sound like a good plan.

Tucker: Besides, how're you gonna know if it's not working?

Sarge: If Caboose dies, I'll know we're in trouble, and immediately abort.

Caboose: (holding the bomb) I think that's a good plan.

Grif: Sarge, while that's the most retarded idea I've ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.

Sarge: Don't get misty, Francine. We'll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill.

Grif: (Sarcasm) Wow! What a surprise!

Leo: (Pats him on the back) One day, Grif.

Sarge: I think we can all agree given our current situation, it's the perfect plan.

Nobody responds.

Sarge: Okay, well let me tell you about my other plan. Using parts from the Warthog-

Grif: (to Leo and Tex) I'm hoping you guys have a better idea.

Tex: Were working on it.

Leo: Best option is to sneak in and plant the bomb quietly, seeing we have the element of surprise!

Tex: And when the bomb goes off, it'll take anyone in the fortress with it! As long as we don't get spotted, it should go smoothly.

Leo: Exactly!

Sarge: Or we build what I like to call "the Grif Cannon."

Grif: Hoh man... (Grif starts walking away slowly)

Sarge: Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif-sized hole in the outer wall. ...Or we paint it a very disgusting color.

Fortress
To O'Malley ranting about something.

O'Malley: Hahaha, fools. They don't stand a chance against us, hahaha. Do they men?

Lopez: >No. We will crush them.<

Red Zealot: The Flag is on our side. We will be victorious!

O'Malley: Stupendous! To your battle stations, on to crushing victory! The fools don't stand a chance against our might! Muahahaa.

Red Zealot/Lopez: ...

O'Malley: What're you still doing there?

Red Zealot: I forget. Which battle station is mine? I'm still learning my way around the fortress.

Lopez: >I need someone to carry me. I have no torso.<

Fortress Beach
To Sarge on a ramp, talking over radio sounds for a bit.

Sarge: Okay, is everyone ready? Donut, Caboose and I will move the bomb down the staircase and along the left side of the base while Leo guards us!

Leo: (Mumbles) What is it with me and guard duty?

Caboose: (holding the bomb and talking in a strained voice) Please hurry, I don't know how much longer I can talk like this.

Donut: Man that does look heavy. You really should consider wearing some kind of supportive undergarment.

Caboose: U-no thanks. I can do it.

Donut: Come on now, don't be shy. You can borrow one of mine! I'm thinking something with lace. Lace is totally in right now!

Leo: Just Hold it, for a little bit longer, ok buddy?

Caboose: O-ok.

To Tucker who spots a sniper rifle, laying on the ground.

Tucker: Ooh, sniper rifle!

Tex: (taking it) I got it.

Tucker: Fuck.

To Simmons and Grif.

Simmons: Copy that Sarge.

Sarge: Simmons, you and the two bullet magnets move up the right side and try to cause some kind of distraction.

Simmons: Any suggestions?

Sarge: As long as it draws their fire away from us and towards you I don't care.

Donut: Try some dance moves! Oh! You could do a musical number!

Sarge: Get off the radio, Donut!

Simmons: Alright, looks like we're on our own, guys. Tex, how does it look from up there?

To Tex who's on top of the wall, scouting the area out.

Tex: I don't see any movement... but the guns are definitely online, why isn't Leo with you guys?

Simmons: Sarge thought it would be best if, Leo protects Caboose.

Tex: Hopefully he's doing alright with the idiot.

Tucker: You know what, I miss the old days, when we didn't risk our lives, and you guys were all just a bunch of nameless assholes I would yell at with Church.

Grif: It's okay. We hate you too man.

Sarge: Okay, let's move out!

To O'Malley looking down on them from his high vantage point in the fortress of evil.

O'Malley: Huhah, here they come. Get ready.

To The Red Zealot taking up one of the turrets.

Red Zealot: Prepare to be cleansed, infidels!

To Lopez's head on the other turret.

Lopez: >I will not let them cross the border.<

To Simmons, Grif and Tucker behind some cover.

Simmons: (Radios Sarge) Alright, so far so good. Sarge, we are in position.

Sarge: Roger that. We are also in position. No sign of the enemy.

Leo: So far, so good.

Donut: Ma-han, this is the easiest fortress invading mission, of all time.

Caboose: Maybe for you, this thing is heavy for me.

Leo: Want me to hold it for a bit?

Caboose: That's alright, the floor can hold it for me!

Leo: Wait Caboo-

Caboose drops the bomb, drawing the Red Zealot's attention.

Sarge: Careful with that thing, Caboose!

Donut: Uh... Sarge?

Sarge: You could blow us all to smithereens!

Donut: Sarge, I'm pretty sure that guy up there with the gun, sees us.

Leo: God dammit.

Sarge: You wanna blow people to smithereens, at least make sure Grif is nearby.

Leo: Everybody take cover!

Red Zealot opens fire, upon them. Forcing everyone to take cover except for Caboose.

Sarge: What the, duck!

Caboose: A duck? Where? I love ducks.

Sarge: Get down, idiot.

Leo quickly tackles Caboose to the ground, before a bullet hit where he was standing before.

Leo: Jesus, that was a close one!

Caboose: (Squirming) OMG! Something is touching me!

Leo: It's just me, Caboose!

Caboose: Oh.....hello!

To Lopez somehow firing at Simmons, Grif and Tucker.

Grif: We're under fire, Sarge we're under fire!

Sarge: Good! Now jump up and draw them off.

Tucker: What'd he say?

Grif: He was breaking up. I think he said something about staying here, and not doing anything risky.

Simmons: Tex, see what you can do about that gun!

Tex: You got it.

Tex shoots the Lopez head off his gun.

Tex: Hyeah, headshot!

Grif: Nice shooting, Tex.

Simmons: Tucker. You and Tex head up across that bridge. Try to take out that other turret. We'll head in to the base and see if we can find O'Malley.

Tucker: Why do I have to go up against a machine gun, and you guys get to go play hide and seek?

Simmons: The guy we're seeking has a rocket launcher.

Tucker: Oh, right. Uh, have fun doing that.

To Sarge, Leo and Caboose.

Sarge: Leo you take Caboose, we'll hold them off from up here. You two take the bomb and try to sneak in the front of the base.

Caboose: Okay.

Leo: Come on Caboose, let's go!

Caboose: Okay.

Leo and Caboose walk away to finish the mission.

Donut: Wow, Sarge. You actually decided to sacrifice yourself for someone else!

Sarge: Quiet Donut! I'm gonna need your help. When the turrets kill Caboose, I'm gonna need you to carry the bomb in to the base, while I try and save Leo!

To Tex and Tucker at the big windmill thing.

Tex: I can't see him from here. Let's move out. (runs across the fan)

Tucker: Okay, but jus- (falls down behind the fan) Whoahoa! Ah!

Tex: Tucker! Are you okay?

Tucker: Yeah I'm okay, I dropped down into some kind of hole. Can you give me a hand?

Tex: Oh. Let me take out this turret. I'll be back for you later.

Tex runs away to finish off the turret, while Tucker finds a strange 'object'.

Tucker: What is that? Hoaho, what the hell is this?

To Simmons and Grif at the other giant fan thingie.

Simmons: Okay Grif, we just need to jump through here.

Grif: Okay, go for it.

Simmons: Me? Why me first?

Grif: Because, I don't wanna die?

Simmons: But this thing's moving super slow. See?

Ten seconds later the fan blade goes by, complete with huge WHOOSH sound.

Grif: Nice knowing you Simmons.

To Sarge.

Sarge: No, shoot the guy with the bomb! You're ruining the plan!

Tex: I'm pinned down, I need assistance!

Tucker: (arriving next to the Red Zealot) Hey asshole. (Takes out an energy sword)

Red Zealot: Heuh?

Tucker steps forward and slices the Red Zealot, sending him flying off the base to land on the ground below, on his face.

Red Zealot: My quest is over... I can see the flag... It's so, flappy... Hegh-bleahhhh

Tex: Hey, where'd you get that?

Tucker: I dunno, I found it in the hole. Pretty cool. Look what I can do. (swings it in the air)

Tex: Hey, you wanna trade it for the sniper rifle?

Tucker: No thanks, I'm good.

To Leo and Caboose wandering around aimlessly.

Caboose: X. I'm looking for an X. (He sees the X that Tex made) That, is a plus sign. Not an X. I need to find an X.

Leo: Caboose this is the X.

Caboose: It is? Well let me just-

Church: (from nowhere) Hello? Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?

Caboose: Church?

Leo: How the hell did he get here?

The End
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