Blood Gulch
Chairman (Voiceover): Dear Director. I feel you're avoiding the question. If this target was already in possession of an A.I. unit, how was he able to secure an additional unit from Agent South? Would not that verify, as we indicated earlier, that your program now runs experiments with more than one artificial intelligence? If so, where did these additional A.I. come from? And more importantly, how did your agency procure them?

Radio sounds.

Command: This is Command calling Red Base, come in Red Base.

Sarge: This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

Command: Agent Washington has reassembled the Blues and have your soldier as hostage.

Sarge: I knew it! I knew he was a Blue! How dare they kidnap my boy!

Command: Gather your team, we want you to stop Agent Washington at all costs. This is a level one directive. Good luck Red Base.

Sarge: Hey, one sec. Any word on that soldier poison I ordered?

Command: No. Good luck Red Base.

Sarge: What about the robot nuts?

Command: No. Good luck Red Base. Command out.

Sarge: Well you don't have to get so testy. Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? This thing gets terrible reception. Only have one bar! Hello?

Sarge runs down the ramp from Red Base to find Lopez standing idly doing nothing.

Sarge: Can you hear me now? Can you hear me? Stupid 4G network. Lopez!

Lopez: Sí.

Sarge: That was Red Command.

Lopez: >Si. I know.<

Sarge: Were you listening to my call?

Lopez: >I record all our calls for quality assurance.<

Sarge: They said those dirty Blues are up to no good and not only that! They've kidnapped Leo!

Lopez: >Actually, that call sounded strange to me.<

Sarge: I agree! We have to stop 'em. No matter what the cost.

Lopez: >Almost like someone took another call and chopped it up.<

Sarge: You're right! I shouldn't be here flappin' my gums, I need to shake a tail feather!

Lopez: >Yes, you should go on your fake mission right away...<

Sarge: I gotta reassemble the team! And I know I can't get Donut, so that leaves just Simmons... and Grif.

Lopez: >...and you will most likely be killed by whomever sent that fake message.<

Sarge: Ah, good point! Maybe I'll get lucky and Grif was killed. Not in a glorious manner like battle of course, but doing something menial and humiliatin'! Maybe he drowned in a toilet while cleaning it.

Lopez: >You're an idiot.<

Sarge: I know, I know, I'm hopin' for too much. Lopez, pack m'gear. I gotta get goin'!

Lopez: >It's already done. I pack it every single morning in hopes that you will decide to leave.<

To the warthog with Sarge suit case next to it.

Sarge: Good ol' Lopez, dependable as always. Now Lopez-

Lopez: >Oh God... please. I don't want to have a moment.<

Sarge: I know we've had a lot of good times together-

Lopez: >Don't do this.<

Sarge: You've always relied on my guidance and protection.

Lopez: >You couldn't even win the fight with that teenage girl.<

Sarge: But you're going to be on your own now.

Lopez: >Good.<

Sarge: I prepared you for the world as best I could.

Lopez: >You programmed me in a language that no one here speaks, besides Leo.<

Sarge: So take care of yourself. And always remember that I'll be thinkin' of ya.

Lopez: >I am going to erase every memory of you the second you are gone. Just like I did for [FILE DELETED] and [FILE DELETED].<

Sarge: Nope. No words, Lopez. I'll see you again. In a better place. Adios amigo. Adios.

Lopez: >Just go, you stupid old man.<

Sarge: I'll miss you too Lopez! Every single day. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

Lopez: >Less talking. More leaving.<

Sarge hops in the warthog.

Sarge: Me too Lopez! Me too!

Lopez: >The gas pedal is on the right.<

Sarge: Heh heh. Now to find Grif and Simmons. (Drives away) I can only imagine what amazing adventures they must be having right ... now.

Rat's Nest
To Grif and Simmons in front of a Red Team firing squad.

Red Soldier: Any last words?

Grif: Yeah. You guys suck.

Red Soldier: Ready! Aim!

Simmons: Killed by our own men, couldn't see this coming.

To Sarge pulling up next to the dead Blues.

Sarge: Hello? Anybody here? Anybody alive? No? Good! Blue sucks! Heh heh. Hhm, I don't think Simmons and Grif would have switched to Blue Team, but if they did it might explain why they all died.

Back to Grif and Simmons.

Simmons: Wait, wait wait wait.

Red Soldier: What?

Simmons: Hey, uh, don't we get a last request? You know any- anything like that?

Red Soldier: What do you want?

Grif: How 'bout for starters you suck my-

Simmons: Shouldn't you at least read us our charges?

Red Soldier: You know what you did. You were in charge of our ammunition. And you lost it all.

Grif: Don't you think it's ironic that you're about to shoot us because we don't have enough ammo? Also, lost and sold to the other team? Two totally different things.

Red Soldier: Oh, you're just delaying.

Simmons: Yes, that's true, but it's also true that you have to read us a list of charges. It's in the Red Army Handbook, section on firing squads, subsection 2.9c. page 94, third paragraph.

Grif: You are going to die a nerd. So sad.

Simmons: Do you want to die in the next two seconds or do you want to die a nerd with me five minutes from now?

Grif: ...

Simmons: Well?

Grif: I'm thinking. ...Fine, yeah, what he said, section whatever whatever.

Red Soldier: I think you're bluffing. I never read that.

Grif: Uh, did you read the Red Army Handbook?

Red Soldier: Ih... uh... no.

Grif: That's because nobody has, except for him. He's memorized it.

Simmons: In three languages.

Red Soldier: Uh, what do you guys think?

The Red Soldier discusses the matter with the firing squad.

Grif: Is that a real rule?

Simmons: I have no clue, but they'll either read the book or read the charges.

Red Soldier 2: Okay.

Simmons: Either way we're alive for a few more minutes.

Red Soldier: Yeah, we decided that sounds like too much trouble. So we're just going to shoot you and say the Blues did it.

Simmons: Oh, wait. I didn't think about the "fuck it, we're lazy" option.

Grif: Nyeh, I thought of it. I just didn't wanna explain it. Fuck it.

Red Soldier: Ready weapons!

Simmons: Grif, this looks like it's it. Listen, there's something I always wanted to tell you.

Grif: I have something I wanna say to you too, buddy.

Simmons: You first.

Red Soldier: Ready!

Grif: It was me that stole your identity and ran up all those credit card charges at the pawn shops and peep shows and blamed it on Leo. Sorry.

Red Soldier: Aim!

Grif: Whew! I feel so much better now that I got that off my chest! So what do you wanna say to me?

Simmons: Hhhh, I seem to have forgotten. Hey asshole, can we hurry this up?

Red Soldier: Fire!

The firing squad fires, but Sarge drives between them and Grif and Simmons and the Warthog blocks all the bullets.

Sarge: Simmons! Grif! There ya are.

Simmons: Are we dead?

Grif: Well if we are then Hell looks just like the army. Big surprise there.

Sarge hops out the warthog and walks to Simmons and Grif.

Sarge: I've been lookin' everywhere for ya.

Simmons: Sarge?

Grif: Yeah, what?

Sarge: What in hell are you two doing?

Simmons: We're being executed by our own men, Sir.

Sarge: Cut it out. I need you guys to come with me. Command has a secret mission for us.

Red Soldier: Who the hell is this guy?

Sarge: Oh, what is this? Insubordination? Aye yah!

Sarge punches the Red Soldier in the face with his shotgun.

Sarge: Heyah! Come on you two, let's get a move on! Where's yer commanding officer?

Simmons: (Pointing at Grif) He's right there.

Sarge: ... Where, behind Grif?

Simmons: Sergeant Grif is our C.O., Sir.

Sarge: Your Sergeant has the same name as Grif? That's a disturbing coincidence.

Simmons: No, no, listen to me. Grif is our commander. He was promoted to Sergeant when you refused to relocate with us and Leo decided to stay with you.

Sarge: But who's in charge!?

Simmons: Sergeant Grif!

Sarge: Okay see, I can hear you saying words, but it's like they don't match up in a way that makes sense. Did ya have a stroke?

Simmons: Grif is a Sergeant. He's the same rank as you, now.

Sarge: That's who I'm talkin' about. Where is he?

Simmons: He's right there!

Sarge: So, he's invisible.

Grif: Dude, I don't think he's physically capable of understanding what you're telling him.

The Red Soldier gets back up, from the floor.

Red Soldier: Does this mean we get a new Sergeant now? Awesome, 'cause this one sucks.

Sarge punches the Red Soldier in the back of the head this time and knocks him down again.

Sarge: Gah. Never talk that way about a superior.

Grif: Did Sarge just call me superior? I heard it, Simmons is a witness!

Simmons: I don't even wanna get involved.

Sarge: What's going on in this outpost? Insubordination, invisible Sergeants, Simmons has had a stroke!

Grif: It totally counts.

Sarge: You two just get in the jeep. We're gettin' out of here. I'll explain on the way.

Simmons: Shotgun!

Grif: I outrank you, get in the back.

Simmons: Fuck!

The reds hop in the warthog.

Sarge: Son, tell your Sergeant I'm taking these two with me. He can call Command for verification.

Red Soldier: But, you're taking our Sergeant.

Sarge: What? I can't hear you!

Sarge drives the warthog away.

Sarge: (Distance) Engine's too loud.

Red Soldier: What the hell just happened?

Red Soldier 2: Hey guys? The Blues are all dead.

Red Soldier: Euh, I'm going to go lie down.

Blood Gulch
Back at Blood Gulch, Lopez is standing alone in the middle of the canyon.

Lopez: >Great. Now I'm lonely.< (Lopez sighs)

The End
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