Author: Welp, here's season 9 which so, far is going to be a pain to write. Like I said they'll no freelancer parts, replaced by the reds and blues in the real word.

Also I want to mention this at the start, but I apologise for any future delays because this season is definitely going take longer to write.

But, anyway here's the first chapter of season 9, enjoy!
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Epsilon Unit/Blood Gulch
We see Church standing on a hill, looking out into the Canyon.

Church (Voiceover): Hi, my name is Leonard Church. But, nobody calls me Leonard. Most people call me Church sometimes they call me Alpha and a few people even know me as the Director, but I haven't been called that in a really, really long time. You see I know that when you look at me, I know I look like a badass space warrior, but I'm really not. I'm actually a-

Tucker: (Distance) Hey, Church!

Church (Voiceover): Uh... (Clears throat) Just, uh, ignore him. I'm actually a computer program that's been reincarnated in the memory of-

Tucker: (Distance) Church!

Tucker continues yelling in the background as Church tries to continue his monologue.

Church (Voiceover): I'm actually a computer program thats been reincarnated in the memory of the-

Tucker: (Distance) Where the hell are you?!

Church (Voiceover): Ok I'm just gonna start all over..

Tucker: (Distance) Church!

Church (Voiceover): (Clears throat) Hi.

Tucker: (Distance) Church!

Church (Voiceover): My name is Leonard Church.

Tucker: (Distance) Church!

Church (Voiceover): But, nobody calls me-

In the distance, Tucker is seen standing atop of a cliff on the side of the Canyon.

Tucker: Hey Church, come on!

Church: (Groans) God damn it! What?! What do you want!?

Tucker: Come on! Get up here!

Church: Yeah, okay, hold on. For God's sakes, I'm coming! Shut up!

Church starts making his way to the cliff, while angrily whispering to himself.

Church: *Whispers* God damn it, I can't even have one fucking moment to myself. Can't even be alone with my thoughts, not even for a second. Somebody's always gotta fucking yell, or scream, or "come look at this," or "what's going on over here," or "hey Church, help me out I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!" Fucking assholes. God I forgot how much this place sucks.

Up on the cliff Tucker, Wade, Caboose and Zeta are waiting for Church.

Zeta: Looks like he's finally coming.

Tucker: *Smirks* That's what she said.

Zeta: I won't hesitate to shoot your crotch, Tucker.

Tucker: (Scared) Shutting up, now!

Caboose: Now when he gets up here, remember the plan.

Tucker: Plan? What plan?

Caboose: We only have one shot at this. Don't let it fall apart.

Tucker: Why are you talking to me like this is supposed to make sense? Is this another one of your idiot schemes to make Church your best friend?

Wade: Seriously Caboose, your still trying?

Caboose: Ok. Shsh-remember, let me do the talking.

Wade: Do the talking about what?

Caboose: Don't worry, I got this.

Tucker: What would we be worried about? We don't even know what your're doing.

Church makes it to the cliff, panting heavily.

Caboose: Hey Church, welcome to the cliff.

Church: Hey guys. Man, whoo... (Panting)

Caboose: Okay, abort. The plan did not work.

Zeta: Wait, that was it?

Tucker: Okay, now I actually want to know: what was the plan? Because apparently phase one was saying hi. What's next, were you going to wave?

Caboose: Abort. Abort!

Church: (Still panting) Hohw... what're you guys... what do you guys want? (Gasp)

Wade: Uh... are you alright, Church?

Tucker: Yeah, it sounds like your fucking dying! You sound like my vacuum cleaner when it picks up a penny.

Church: I'm just a little, uh, out of breath. I'm not used to this, it's been a while since I, uh, had a human body.

Zeta: *Mutters* It's definitely a strange feeling having a body.

Caboose: Oh God, I know, I- I hate having one of those; i-it's like, it always wants to pee. Like all the time.

Wade: Seriously Church, did you bang your head on something, coming up here?

Tucker: What the fuck is everyone talking about today? Did I miss a staff meeting? What other body would you have?

Church: Its uh... it's a long story. Remind me to tell you sometime. So, uh, what's up? Whats going on?

Wade: We've got movement over at the Red Team's base. I thought we should check it out.

Tucker: I actually, thought we should just ignore it, but there's really not anything else to do.

Zeta: Other then you being a pervert.

Church: Movement? What kind of movement?

Caboose: The Red kind.

Tucker: Remember that new vehicle they got? They've been making modifications to it.

Church: Well that doesn't sound good. How are they modifying it?

Tucker: I don't know, why are you asking me?

Church: Wait- you've been up here watching them all this time, can't you make a guess?

Tucker: Well I don't know man, they sure as hell ain't installing a stereo.

Church: Thanks, Wade what do you think it is?

Wade: It's hard to tell from this distance, but looks some sort of weapon modification.

Church takes the sniper rifle out of Caboose hands.

Church: Here, let me see the sniper rifle, I'll check for myself.

Zeta: Uh, Church do you even know how to use that properly?

Church: Do I know how to use- of course I know how to use it. Don't uh... hey where's the um... how do I make it do the thing, the, thu... the thing, where everything gets closer? Everything gets closer and bigger? How do I do the closer, bigger thing, with it?

Wade: You mean zoom?

Church: Zoom, yeah that's it, zoom. What's tha-oh are you saying, do I say zoom? Zoom. Zoom! Rifle.

Wade: (Sighs) Press the black button.

Church: Oh. (Zooms in) Shut up.

Wade: Not my fault you can't use a sniper rifle.

To the Red Team down in the Canyon near red base working on the Warthog's recent modifications. Leo is crouching down, modifying the warthog.

Leo: Ok, that should do it now! Fire it up, Sarge!

Sarge gets in the Warthog driver seat.

Donut: Let's test this bad boy out. Simmons, hop up!

Simmons hops onto the turret. Back onto the cliff with the blues.

Church: Huh. Yeah, looks like they modified their jeep. They changed the turret. Doesn't really look like a weapon maybe, some kind of radar dish?

Wade: I think it's a rocket launcher.

Tucker: I'm with Wade on this.

Church: That's impossible. You can't fire rockets from a jeep, guys. There'd be too much torqe or something like that. It's probably some kind of like microwave transmitter.

Zeta: Well, Church they were loading rockets into it earlier. So, unless they were microwaving explosives for a tasty snack, it's most likely a rocket launcher.

Caboose: Ah, great. Now I want a snack.

Church: Hey, didn't you hear what I said about the torqe? It's probably like-

The Reds fire a rocket at the cliff, causing all the blues to jump back.

Church: Son of a bitch!

Wade: Yep, definitely a rocket launcher.

Caboose: Yeah... I don't know, I think Church was right, I'm pretty sure I just torqed in my pants.

Another rocket is fired.

Tucker: Ah! Being right all the time, sucks!

Zeta: You don't say!

Back down to the Reds staring up at the cliff, where the blues are.

Donut: (Yelling) Yeah! Almost got you that time, sluts! Reload, Simmons!

Simmons: Alright.

Donut: Let's put the next one right up their ass!

Leo: Uh, Donut you don't have to phrase it like that.

Simmons: Yeah.. what Leo said. The weapon is equally as effective, no matter where it hits them.

Donut: (Yells) Start stuffing, Simmons!

Simmons: Ok, Ok.

Back onto the cliff with the Blues, who are all crouching at the cliff wall. Taking cover from the horde of rockets being shoot at them.

Church: Was that Donut?

Tucker: I dunno, that's the chick who was working on the jeep.

Zeta: That's not a girl Tucker. He just wears pink armor. It's a guy.

Tucker: It is? Are you sure?

Zeta: Look who your talking to.

Tucker: Uh... then I suddenly feel pretty awkward about something I did twenty minutes ago.

Wade: Did you have another "alone time" again?

Church: What the hell is alone time?

Tucker: Hey, it's one of the rules of the cliff dude. What happens in alone time stays in alone time.

Church: What do you do during alone time, Wade?

Wade: Something more productive then Tucker, keeping my equipment in check.

Tucker: Not much different to mine, I make sure to keep my "equipment" checked to, bow chica bow wo- Ow!

Zeta punches him in the shoulder.

Church: What about you, Caboose?

Caboose: Oh, I do the same stuff I do during together time. Only half.

Church: What?

Tucker: Another benefit of alone time: not listening to him for a few minutes.

Back to the Reds.

Donut: Hoorah, bitches! Hoo fucking rah!

Simmons: Yeah, take that Blues!

Donut: The next one's blowing your armor clean off!

Simmons: Or it will just hurt you a lot! You know some of us realize that's enough.

Leo: Donut, why do you keep making it weird?

Back over to the Blues, Church stands up.

Church: Dammit. Rocket jeeps? Donut giving orders? This is getting ridiculous. I'm putting a stop to this.

Church walks away as slight tremor happens.

Zeta: Church wait!

Zeta goes to stand up, but Wade keeps her down.

Wade: Zeta, get down! They're firing again.

Tucker: That wasn't a rocket. That was... something else. Church, where are you going? Church!

Church stops and looks back at Tucker.

Church: To set things straight Tucker. If we're going to do this, it has to be done the right way. Or there's no point in doing it at all. Ok? There's an order to things, Tucker. An order.

Real World/Valhalla
Currently on top of Red Base Leo, Grif and Simmons are sitting around a crate playing Go Fish on it.

Leo: Simmons... got any twos?

Simmons: Go fish.

Leo picks up a card.

Grif: Hey Leo, I'll take that two off Yeah.

Leo just sighs and hands Grif his two.

Leo: I hate you so, much right now.

Grif: What can say, man. Just can't beat me at this.

Simmons: That's only because the winner gets bag a donuts.

Suddenly, out of nowhere Sarge comes running up the ramp and kicks over the crate, spilling all the cards on the floor.

Grif: Noooo! I so, close to winning!

Sarge: Listening up, men! Those dirty blues have held our flag for to long, now! This time will be moment that we reds gain our victory!

Simmons: Like those other times, Sarge?

Sarge: No! Because now, we finally have a way of winning!

Leo: What do you have planned this time, Sarge?

Sarge: Instead of gun blazing into there base, will be sneaking, right under noses and before they realise what's happening. Will already be back at base with our flag!

Leo: That... sounds like it could work. But, the blues will be guarding the flag, Sarge.

Sarge: That's why we're going to need a distraction or how I would put it.. a sacrifice.

Everyone stares at Grif, who just finished crying over his lost and sees everyone looking at him.

Grif: Why are you all looking at me?

The End
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