August 3rd, 2014

        "Lately I have been noticing a pattern with O; I can see the panic in her eyes when I leave for work, and it pains me to leave her like that. At the same time, I know that she will adapt, and that she is just still scared. Scared of her past catching up to her as I am mine, scared that I might not come back as I am scared she might not be there when I come home. Working night shifts, I thought it would be easier because she'd be asleep throughout the shift. But she stays up until I get home; the first few nights she was still as could be in bed, as if trying to pretend she was sleeping. Her wide eyes gleaming when I turned on the lamp revealed that she was wide awake, and had been the entire time I was gone. The shift is usually seven to three; she's never going to get better if she doesn't rest.

         I brought it up to her, and she said she simply can't sleep, and yet in the mornings she looks as though she is going to drop. She avoids the topic, as if she isn't doing anything wrong. In reality, she isn't. I get it, she's terrified of being alone. She'd been alone for so long before she met me, and I did nothing for her. Not really. She claims I lit a fire inside of her that kept her alive all those years, and as much as I have a hard time believing it, when she tells me things like this I believe there is humanity in me even after everything I've done. 

        She asked where she could get books, and I realized she didn't even know about libraries. I keep forgetting that she never had a normal life, this is the first of everything for her. Washington was the first time she was in America, the first time she was allowed out for more than a day or two. The boat was the first she'd ever been on, and it was the first time she had seen the ocean.

        Today I showed her the library; going out in public even here doesn't sit right with me, but there is no avoiding it forever. Her face lit up like I'd never seen before; she didn't know there were that many books in the world, and I told her that what she saw wasn't even all of them. She could order books through the librarians and they would come from other libraries, she could even look them up on the computers. That, I couldn't help her with, but the librarian said she'd give her a lesson if she wanted. I think I'm beginning to understand how to make her life as good as I can. The little things, the things she missed out on. I'm going to strive to do my best."