Oneirataxia

Author: @Sri_999
Reviewer: MoniTheTigerEmpress

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SYNOPSIS

ONEIRATAXIA

<noun>

the inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality..........

Time travel.......Something that every human fantasises about

Oh!! to go back in time and see your history with your very own eyes.

Suchitra a renowned actress and singer in kaliyug, she lives a life people dream of a loving family, great friends, money and her favourite.. Mahabharat! What else would a person want?So what happens when she wakes up and finds herself in a room which she swears is not hers surrounded by people she doesn't know and as a cherry on top she wakes up in a body of a child!!

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Title:
I think your title is unique and I like how you added the definition of it in your blurb for others to know what it means.

Blurb:
Firstly, I would like to say I love how you added the definition of the title to your blurb. I found that to be really helpful as I did not know what that word meant. I think you have a good base for your blurb but I felt we needed to know more. I felt the blurb was lacking in a way as it didn't tell us much about the main plot of your book or the conflict at all. I would also like to talk about other aspects of the book which I will talk about below.

Secondly, for your blurb, you do not need the ellipses as they do little for what you are trying to say. A full stop or comma would suffice in the place of ellipses. There are also times when you missed a full stop at the end of a sentence, for example the sentence "Something that every human fantasises about" is missing a full stop at the end. There are also some spelling errors where "fantasises" should be "fantasizes". I would also like to say that you do not need more than one exclamation mark, one does the job of many.

What you have: Suchitra a renowned actress and singer in kaliyug, she lives a life people dream of a loving family , great friends, money and her favourite.. Mahabharat! What else would a person want?So what happens when-

My suggestion: A comma should be after 'Suchitra' here. I also assume kaliyug is the name of a place so the k needs to be capitalized. I would also suggest a full stop instead of a comma after 'Kaliyug'. You also do not need a space between 'family' and the comma. You can also get rid of the ellipses between "favourite" and "Mahabharat". You also need a space between "want?" and "So".

I would suggest reworking your blurb a little, and remembering to include definitions of terms that are not English such as "Mahabharat".

Plot/flow/pace:
Okay so there is a lot I want to say but at the same time I think it will all fall in the categories below but I will still touch up a little. I could see where you wanted to go with the plot but I felt like the pace of the chapters could be better. There weren't many descriptions so I couldn't visualize the scene and you needed more 'show, don't tell' which I'll explain later in my review, as well as the first and third-person point of view issue you have going on.

I had read the prologue and felt for my personal taste that it does little to move the story as it's just a recount of the main character's day. I would personally say that the story can just start in chapter 1.

Grammar and dialogue:
Okay, so there was quite a lot I wanted to talk about for this section. I will be including examples below as well to help you understand what I'm talking about. There were times when you used more than one exclamation mark throughout and it wasn't necessary. One does the job of many. I'd also like to mention the ellipses' used. An ellipse is used to show when a thought or speech is trailing off but in your writing, I found that a full stop or comma could be used instead of ellipses.

Below I will use some examples from your work and how to improve them.

What you have: "Oh! how I wish I could be a part of this great epic!!" She thought to herself

My suggestion: One exclamation mark does the job of many so you only need one after 'epic' instead of two. 'She thought' is a dialogue tag so the 's' for 'she' needs to be lowercase. At first, I was unsure what the character meant by the 'great epic' part but now looking at it I realize the character might be talking about the show she was watching.

What you have: "Stop Suchitra... this not the time to daydream but to sleep and dream....Tomorrow is a big award show I should probably sleep now" she muttered to herself,

My suggestion: The ellipses is not needed here as you can use a full stop or comma here, after 'Suchitra'. 'Sleep' is mentioned twice in a short span so I would suggest just getting rid of one of the words 'sleep' or rewording the dialogue. I'd also like to say you don't need to say 'to herself' as we, the reader, would already know she is speaking to herself. You also need a comma after 'sleep now' as 'muttered' is a dialogue tag.

What you have: Waitttttt a minute...... I don't remember inviting people-

My suggestion: The above is from your Chapter 1. The ellipses here are unnecessary. A comma would suffice instead. Also, to make your work look more professional, just say 'Wait' and remove all the 't' that follow. One T would suffice.

What you have: I took a closer look at the three people in the room, the man who spoke-

My suggestion: I noticed this issue happens quite a lot. The space between 'room' and the comma is not needed.

What you have: "Putr don't just stand like that.. tell us what happened"

My suggestion: The ellipsis is not needed, a comma or full stop will do best here. You will need to use a comma after 'happened' since what followed was a dialogue tag.

What you have: "I will take care of her." the boy said-

My suggestion: 'said' is a dialogue tag so there must be a comma, not a full stop after 'her'

What you have: -they trusted him" Ok Kanha take proper care of her" said the king of-

My suggestion: You need a full stop after 'him'. Since 'said' is a dialogue tag, you need a comma after 'care of her'. The quotation mark after 'him' needs to be before 'Ok'. 

What you have: "Kanha" chuckled and said "Yes sakhi they did"

My suggestion: The quotations around 'Kanha' confused me as I initially thought it was being spoken by someone. I would suggest using italics and getting rid of the quotation marks around Kanha. A comma is also needed after 'said' since this is a dialogue tag. I'm assuming 'sakhi' is the person's name so the S needs to be capitalized here!

The above issues were prominent quite a lot in your writing so I would suggest reading through your work and fixing them with the advice I have given above.

Character Development:
N/A

Descriptions, writing style, and sentence structure:

Okay, so, I think you have a good base but it needed more. There were parts where I noticed some spelling mistakes. I also would like to talk about the descriptions and such but firstly I would like to talk about how you use 1st person and 3rd person in the same chapter which I'll talk about below.

Generally, you shouldn't write in both first person and third person pov as that isn't professional. I would suggest picking either first person or third person for your writing especially since both povs essentially had told us the same thing. If you wanted to do 1st person and 3rd person it should not be done in the same chapter. Alternatively, you could do it 1st pov for chapter 1 then 3rd pov for chapter 2, and so forth but I would not suggest using both povs for your story.

The first three sentences of your prologue essentially tell us the same thing with the main character being tired. I would suggest probably showing us this or just using one sentence to tell us she was tired.

I'd also like to mention the way you have multiple speaking in the same paragraph. There is a rule in writing when it comes to that and it is "New paragraph for a new speaker". So essentially, for every new person who speaks you will need to add their dialogue into a new paragraph. One example would be the first paragraph of your first chapter, there are so many people speaking that often it can get confusing as to who is speaking what.

I would also suggest adding more descriptions as we have no idea what anything looks like. We don't know much about what the character sees and what things look like. You can describe the room she's in more and such, otherwise, I was just picturing the main character in a white room.

I would also like to say that numbers under 100 should be written out so, for example, you have '23 year old' when it is better to write it as 'twenty-three year old'. Also 12 year old should be 'twelve year old'.

Now below I will talk about the spelling mistakes and missing words I found while reading! I would suggest reading over your work and combing through it with an app like Grammarly or ProWritingAid!

What you have: '-grab some snacks and beinge watch-

My suggestion: 'beinge' should be 'binge' here!

What you have: After some time kept her phone aside and started drifting in sleep

My suggestion: Firstly, I would like to say, you have missed a word between 'time' and 'kept' and that word that is missing was 'she'. Secondly, I would like to suggest switching 'in' to 'to' to make it sound/flow better!

What you have: He was standing beside and I felt a little calm

My suggestion: This one is found in your first chapter and there is a missing work after 'beside'. You need to add 'me' after 'beside'

What you have: Then I looke around

My suggestion: 'looke' should be 'looked' here!

Overall:
Overall, I think you have a good start and base to your story but there were quite a few things that I felt needed improvements to make your book wonderful! With my advice above, your book will be very good.