Intro:

Guarding Hearts' Whimsy was written by not_so_sweet_one. It follows the main character, Eve, as her life comes crashing down around her. Some mysterious person or persons are trying to kidnap her, and no one knows why. In a desperate attempt to keep her safe, a bodyguard is hired for her. A bodyguard by the name of Raven.

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Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

I'll start with the smaller things, then work my way up into the larger ones.

I wrote the rest of the review before writing this part, and I'm only saying that since I'm going to talk about the general review in this paragraph. Moving into the thick of it, the grammar and spelling are good. This is one of the few reviews I've done where my criticisms have nothing to do with grammar, which is a nice break for me. There's only so many times I can explain grammar errors before I want to talk about other things, you know what I mean? Especially when this is like the 115th super public review, not counting my contests, private reviews, and public reviews. So it's nice that I got more space to talk about different things, both in this section and the next. I found myself having more fun with this review than I do others (as evident by the fact that it's one of my longest, totaling over 3.4k words), and that's because I got passionate about this book. It's always good when you can make a reviewer passionate and wanting to talk more and more about it. That isn't really related to the grammar/spelling, but still worth mentioning. Moving back into the grammar/spelling, it was solid throughout the entire story, and even solid in the blurb. So whatever you're doing to have good grammar, keep it up! It helps with readability and helps keep me interested in what's going on.

Another smaller thing, but I like the diversity in the types of writing you implemented into your story. You have standard story writing, but you also have news writing, fanclub chapters, and things like that. While I have some critiques for the presentation of the news style, I admire you for trying new things and putting effort into your book to make it more well-rounded and unique. I review a lot of books, but I don't see too many that take the time to write full news reports almost like an omniscient narrator popping in here and there to watch over what's happening in the book.

While on the topic, I think having news reports fits in with the vibe of the story. So not only do you experiment, but you also do it in a way that makes sense for what you're writing. Eve is a princess, of course she's going to be under tight surveillance. It made it feel like Eve truly never had an escape. In her home, she's attacked. In the public, she's talked about all the time. However, despite all those eyes and all that attention on her, she's lonely. She has no friends except books. I'm not sure if that was your intention with the news articles or not, and please don't tell me if it was or wasn't since I want to be left in suspense, but I think that, either way, it's really cool that I even can deduce that from the text. The fact that I can think about that kind of deeper topic means you're giving readers a lot to come away with/a lot to think about, and that's the kind of writing I always love to see!

I also like the chapter lengths. They don't feel too long or too short. Maybe it's just me, but I always preferred reading shorter chapters since it makes me feel more accomplished. I finish reading the chapters faster, so even if there are like 60+ chapters, I feel more accomplished than if I were to read 15 long chapters. There's something satisfying about it, and I appreciate that you kept the chapters on the shorter side. Based on the chapter lengths and what happens in the chapters, I could tell you had a clear direction for how you wanted the characters and plot elements to be introduced.

Speaking of introductions...

Alright, alright, I put it off long enough, but I have to talk about him now.

THE BODYGUARD'S NAME IS RAVEN 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩 GOOD LAWWWD 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩

Ahem. Excuse me.

If you haven't figured it out based on my reaction and/or my username and/or my bio, my name is Raven, so yes, I am absolutely posi-tootly biased when I say I love the name choice, but y'know what, I don't care, I think it's a cool name even if it weren't my name! It's cool, right? It sounds dark and mysterious, and the Teen Titans character is named Raven, so that's even cooler! And Raven is a bodyguard?

Sign.

Me.

Up.

Okay, okay, but seriously, I liked Raven's introduction, and even though I acknowledge my bias, I genuinely think the name works for the character. The name Raven implies a shadow, or a tough persona since raven birds are rather mysterious and respected, but also tough (as EAP presented them, thanks EAP). Raven's introduction was mysterious but also showed his detective and critical thinking abilities. You gave us a chance to see what kind of person he is before we even saw him interacting with Eve, which is good. Similarly, I like how you give both Eve and Raven time on their own so the readers can understand them and their lives as individuals before they get together. If we don't know who they are as individuals, why would we want to see them together, y'know? But you don't have this problem because you give us details about Raven and Eve, so by the time they do interact with one another, we know enough about them as people to now be ready to get to know them as a unit, so good job with that.

I think the story idea is overall good as well. The idea of a princess's world falling apart once she becomes the prey in an unknown scheme is interesting. I always like those types of stories that explore the ideal life getting threatened if not completely torn apart. Her world is rattled after that first kidnapping attempt, and drastic changes are made in her life that she has to adjust to. I really liked how you handled that and gave her a sense of maturity I wasn't expecting. Like in chapter 26 when she wakes up apologizing to her mom. That was an emotional, quiet scene that gave the readers an up close and personal look at who Eve is and how she handles these intense situations.

Lastly, I overall liked Eve's journey. Both Raven and Eve have a journey together, but I liked how Eve in particular grew and changed over the course of the novel. Neither of them are the same people in chapter 50 that they were in their introductions. Of course, they still have a bunch of the same core traits, but I mean they have different understandings of themselves and one another, and I think that's great. That makes them feel more impactful and more like true, realistic people. Almost like we can see these characters as real life people, or at least characters who could potentially become real. It gives the story more weight, and considering there are more books to come, I think that's going to be a core factor in why readers pick up the next book or books in the series: they'll want to see more of their beloved characters.

All in all, as you can tell based on how many things I listed above, there are plenty of strong points that make the story fun to read. There are definitely darker topics and moments throughout the narrative, but that just made it more fun for me. Okay, maybe that makes me sound psychopathic, but I like it when there's emotional weight and depth given to novels, and you do a good job trying something new and putting a unique spin on what it means to be a princess. I overall liked the story and think there were many interesting elements to be admired. I really only have a handful of criticisms, and they're mostly about the style, so I think that's a good sign. It'll take me some time to explain my criticisms, so I ask you bear with me as I overexplain what I mean, haha. I cannot not overexplain to save my life, so I apologize in advance if I repeat myself at all.

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What Didn't Work:

Most of my criticisms are about the writing style, so you won't see any grammar/spelling suggestions here. I hope that's okay. Let's jump right into it.

The language in the opening news report is incorrect. I studied journalism for several years and wrote for local newspapers, and in my experience, journalists don't write like that. The writing in that chapter is purple prose, which is the exact opposite of what news sites want. Reporters want short burst, easy to understand sentences with key words and clickable headlines.

In case you are not aware, purple prose is a term in literary criticism that refers to over-the-top language so flowery that it calls negative attention to itself. It stems from 19th century literature where writers got paid by the word, so they created purple prose by using too many descriptions to get paid more.

The point of a news report is to cover the following in a quick and efficient manner: Who, what, why, when, where, how. The report doesn't really answer any of that, and the only time we get answers is closer to the end. That's why I strongly suggest editing it to make it short and SEO-friendly where it includes key words. The headline itself (The Velvet Scandal Unveiled: Shadows Loom Over Political Realm) has a very low headline score of 20. That's why I'm spending so much time on this. It's just one news report at the start of the story, so it isn't a huge deal, but considering it's the first thing readers see, it's important to make it realistic.

^^ There's the headline score.

However, the report in chapter 3 was far better. I still think there were some issues with it, mostly the unnecessary use of complex words like "serene," but it was far shorter and to the point. In future books, if you write news reports again, I suggest modeling them more after that one in chapter 3 than the opening one.

Moving more generally, the overall writing is purple prose, and I strongly suggest dialing back on the figurative language and complex vocab. Not only does this lead to many syntax errors, but the descriptions, more often than not, don't make sense.

For example: "In the opulent embrace of her luxurious bedroom, Eve Josephine Dale lay in peaceful slumber, blissfully unaware of the world's cacophony that danced beyond her sanctuary."

What does this mean?

I've read this multiple times, asked friends, and even asked my father (a writer) if they understood this sentence, and they have no idea what that's supposed to mean. It's way too complex. Language is supposed to support the story, not outshine it, and your language is outshining it and bringing negative attention to it.

To put it more simply, be careful you're not using complex words for the sake of sounding prettier. Remember style doesn't make a story, a story makes a story. Most of your sentences feel like you ran them through a thesaurus or AI assistance to make them sound more complex. While on the topic, purple prose risks AI accusations because AI uses it.

Here are AI detectors scanning some of your prologue:

I'm not accusing you of using AI, though be careful since you use phrases the AI models I train often use. AI loves descriptions like "dancing" and "skillful" fingers, and you use those phrases frequently. Along with that, AI loves adverbs and telling over showing, and often creates idealized characters. Your writing uses a lot of telling over showing and adverbs, and Eve fits the idealized role of a princess. AI detectors are, most often than not, wrong, so again, I'm not accusing you, but maybe be careful since you have several AI-like traits in your text.

I'm bringing that up because I used to work in content writing, and I got falsely accused of using AI by an ignorant client who didn't want to pay me (not to mention I had proof I didn't use AI, but what a surprise, she ghosted me once I sent her all the proof). I know how much it hurts, and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. So that's why I hope by explaining what AI writing looks like, it can help you avoid potential accusations.

I acknowledge that was a lot, so let's move on and get into different suggestions.

The prologue could use some tweaks. Consider incorporating more subtle hints that something's wrong. Maybe her father starts talking quieter when she enters the room, or he's quick to get up and leave the room to continue the phone call, or maybe he hangs up. Maybe she's walking down the stairs when she hears him yelling something and she rushes down only for him to wave it off. Maybe she looks outside and sees the garden's gate got left open. Maybe the cabinets are all open. Maybe she notices her father's nails are chipped and broken, implying he was biting on them. Maybe the dishes from last night haven't been done yet. All of these things are ways you can subtly show the reader and Eve that something is wrong, giving far more purpose to the prologue and giving Eve a stronger reason to believe something is wrong. I hope that makes sense.

Side note: Prologues and first chapters are different. This is not a prologue, so this should be labeled as "Chapter 1." Prologues typically take place in the past and normally don't show the main characters, or at least not in their present day state. That's why I suggest renaming it to chapter 1 since there's nothing about the prologue that fits the definition of the prologue.

The next thing I want to say is your descriptions are sometimes vague and contradictory. The goal of creative writing is to do as much as possible in the least amount of time as possible without overwhelming the readers, so that's why I suggest doing more with your sentences. Let's stick with the prologue so you don't have to play musical chapters to find what I'm talking about.

In the prologue, you say "delicious breakfast." What is the breakfast? Maybe take this opportunity to characterize Eve and show something is wrong. Maybe say it's Eve's favorite breakfast, like an omelet. Maybe she sees this beautiful omelet, but when she bites into it, it's bland and messy, and she hesitates while eating it. Now you're giving us new information about Eve by showing what her favorite food is, and you're setting the seeds for suspicion. Instead of her eating breakfast just being her eating breakfast, you're using time more wisely and giving the readers more to work with.

However, that's just breakfast, so let's use the same example as before to explain more clearly why the descriptions are vague: "In the opulent embrace of her luxurious bedroom, Eve Josephine Dale lay in peaceful slumber, blissfully unaware of the world's cacophony that danced beyond her sanctuary."

Cacophony means sound. What sound? This is the first line of the story, so we don't know what world Eve is living in. A forest? A desert? A suburb? Saying the "world's cacophony" gives us nothing to imagine. Again: we don't know her world, so how can we know what sounds she's hearing? How is her bedroom luxurious? You're telling us she has a luxurious bedroom, not showing us. Maybe she has her own master bathroom, maybe she has diamond rings on her vanity, maybe she has her Dior products left out—show us the luxury, don't tell us. 

Try focusing on being specific. Even just two specific details are 20x more effective than paragraphs of general descriptions. I.e., you say the dad has a "modern smartphone." Maybe say what phone model he has instead, like specify if he has one of the newest iPhone models or something similar.

That was all about vague descriptions, so let me talk about contradictory descriptions. From the first paragraph: "The clock's unapologetic hands whispered of a leisurely morning, boldly striking 11:45 am."

"The clock's unapologetic hands" is great. I think that's an awesome thing to say that shows us Eve is probably burdened from work and has to wake up, hence why the clock is unapologetic. Then you say "leisurely morning."

Those two things can't be true at once. How is the clock unapologetic when the morning is leisurely? Unapologetic hands of a clock means the clock is moving despite Eve not wanting it to, but... she doesn't care. Then you say "boldly striking," but why? Eve's a princess. She isn't working a stressful 9-5 that makes her not want to get up, so there's no reason the clock is unapologetic or bold. That's why the "unapologetic hands" isn't a great choice for that sentence and contradicts how you're trying to characterize Eve. Like I said, I think it's a cool description, but it doesn't work for what you're trying to do. It makes Eve's characterization feel flip flopped.

Lastly, consider diversifying your writing. The prologue is about two and a half minutes long, and in those two and a half minutes, several words, like opulent, luxurious, dancing, etc. are repeated more than once. Along with that, the sentence structure is repetitive. For example, there are 12 paragraphs in the prologue, and of those 12, 10 of them start with introductory clauses. Do you see why that would be repetitive? That's why I suggest more diversity in the writing.

I understand that was a lot, mostly about the style, but I hope all that made sense!

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Summary:

- Good grammar

- Interesting blend of different writing styles that made the story feel unique

- RAVEN 😍😍😍

- Interesting spin on what it means to be a princess

- Overall engaging and entertaining journey

- Consider tweaking the opening news report to sound more realistic

- Consider not writing in purple prose

- Consider tweaking the prologue to make it more hooking + renaming it to chapter 1

- Consider using more specific descriptions instead of vague ones

- Consider diversifying your language and sentence structure

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Overall:

Guarding Hearts' Whimsy takes the ideal life of a princess and spins it on its head by having the main character, Eve, get hunted by an unknown force. These dark presences in her otherwise perfect life send her through a frenzy, and right into the arms of a bodyguard. If you're someone who enjoys romance and mysteries, then this is the perfect book for you.

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Thank you for submitting your book. If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop reopens, please let me know.

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I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad removed pms.

If you would like to keep in contact with me and ask me for more feedback on your work, I have a Discord server for all readers, writers, and friends. I'll leave a link in the inline comment here for anyone who would like to join.