Intro:

Shards was written by Doggo_Gal. It is an ongoing story following hospital patient Sadie after an accident, and while on her journey, she encounters people like Jamie and Logan, who she has strange encounters with. Fearing Jamie holds the key to her escape, she does her best to take it from him, but not all is as it seems.

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Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

My favorite part of this story is the concept. From the beginning, I was interested to see who this main character was, why she was recalling all these life events, and what happened to her that put her in such a position. However, my intrigue only built when the first chapter came to a close and it seemed there was more to the puzzle about Sadie's injuries. Not only in the way her mother acted, but in the way Sadie herself seemed dazed, almost as if she was never there to begin with. Whether that's literal or metaphorical, it's still fascinating to think about, and I think you crafted a compelling, thought-provoking narrative surrounded by strong characters (that I will talk more about later) and interesting themes of mental health and injury that blend well with your chosen concept.

Moving more generally, the writing style is fun to read. I've been on record many times saying I strongly dislike first person—there's no specific reason why, I just much prefer third—but I was pleasantly surprised with the way first person was used to get up close and personal with Sadie and to almost create a sort of unreliable narrator where we have no idea if what we're seeing is real or not. It's like an onion where there are countless layers we can peel away, but we don't know which one is the final one, and maybe we never will, maybe we'll keep searching, or maybe we're just having fun reading and not worrying about it, but either way, reading this story provides a unique experience, especially compared to the rest of the Wattpad landscape.

To put it more simply, you used the first person well and made me believe this story absolutely had to be written in first person, which is good. Point of view is important and shouldn't be chosen willy-nilly—it should have purpose, and you gave it just that, making it a lot easier to connect with Sadie and the rest of the world you built.

The style is personal, funky, and has many entertaining moments that really connected to the chosen POV. It's personal to Sadie and feels like it was written by her. If you can take a story and make it feel like it's written by the protagonist, that's a very good thing, especially for first person, so good job with the POV and style in this book.

Throughout the narrative, there are plenty of twists and turns, moments where we question what was real and what wasn't, and scenes where the story goes all big and crazy (in a good way), and those kinds of plots are the kinds that keep readers engaged since we never know what will happen next. What you don't think will happen does happen, making for an intriguing reading experience.

In general, the plot is good and has good pacing. Events unfold at steady rates and aren't vague but mysterious enough to keep us guessing. It's a good balance between being too mysterious and being too tell-y, so that's another thing you executed well.

Lastly, I think it's important to talk about the characters as this is a character-driven narrative where the emphasis is on Sadie and her relationships, like the one she has with her mother, Jamie, Logan, the nurse, and even the one she has with herself. Sadie's battle within herself as she goes back and forth wondering what the right solution could be is fascinating to watch unfold, and I also like how she stands up for herself, but also not to the point where she becomes annoying and overly "bad girl" like, if that makes sense. She has the right amount of sass and smartness that makes her believable, but she also has cracks that show during the more emotional moments throughout the narrative published so far.

My favorite relationships are between her and her mother, and her and Jamie. I like how she keeps thinking of her mother and she's doing what she's doing for her. It's cute and wholesome, and also, seeing her mother get emotional in the beginning while also trying to hide the full truth of what happened to Sadie was an interesting way to take the start of their relationship, and I like how you added more layers to it right off the bat.

I also mentioned the relationship with her and the nurse, and though it's definitely not as major as the other relationships, you added layers to it, like Sadie trying to remember the nurse's name and if it was the same nurse or a different one. Not only does that add to the unreliable narrator thing you got going on, but it also gives her relationships more complexity. I could be totally wrong and that wasn't your intention at all, but that's still a good thing since it means you're writing with enough layers that people can take multiple interpretations away from your work.

Overall, there is a lot of creativity in this story with the way it's shown to us and the way your writing style elevates the narrative. My favorite part is the concept, though the entire creative side of the story (themes, characters, style, etc.) all add to the experience. It's very rare books make me confused in a good way, not a bad way, so I was happy to read through the book and find myself questioning what was going on and what was and wasn't real. Again, all in a good way since the twists and turns kept me on my toes and kept me guessing.

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What Didn't Work:

This is more of a nitpick than anything else, which is why I'm starting with it, but for consistency's sake, I'd recommend being more consistent with what style of English you use. For example, in chapter 1, you use "gray" (US English), then "grey" (UK English), almost back-to-back. Not only was this a little confusing since you spelled gray in two different ways in such close proximity, but it's a flip between US and UK English. I don't know if you're writing in US and UK English since you flip between the two consistently. If you're writing in US English, though, make sure you're using "toward," not "towards." If you're using UK English, "towards" is fine, but it'd be incorrect if you're writing in US English. One of the most common US English errors is "towards" instead of "toward." But again, that's only if you're writing in US English. If you're writing in UK English, "towards" is fine, but you'd need to use "grey" instead of "gray" more consistently. Like I said, it really isn't a big deal, but it's still something worth mentioning.

Since I brought it up, you use the word "gray" a lot. I would suggest finding different ways to describe the colors. Maybe monochrome. Or you can use different words that aren't necessarily colors, like dry or plain. Not saying you never do this because you do, but consider replacing a few uses of the word "gray" with more emotional and less repetitive descriptions.

There are grammar errors where you have some agreement issues and comma issues. Yes, I read your author's note saying you purposefully exclude punctuation at times; however, the errors I am talking about are outside that. You often exclude commas when using introductory clauses, which is incorrect (except in rare cases). Luckily, I have an example that shows both the agreement issues and the comma issue:

"All of a sudden there is voices, faint but there."

It should be: "All of a sudden, there are voices, faint but there."

Even with the author's note explaining purposeful punctuation errors, you still need "is" to be "are." You're agreeing with "voices" in that scenario, and "is" does not agree with the noun "voices." Similarly, from chapter 4, "There are doors leading off from the hallways, opening to small, cramped room stuffed to the brim with the lesser sort of medical supplies." That's another agreement issue. Depending on what you're trying to say here, it needs to be either "...a small, cramped room..." or "small, cramped rooms...".

While on the topic, I appreciate your enthusiasm for wanting to try new things, but many of the missing commas didn't feel purposeful or like it was because the main character was in an emotional moment. For example, this sentence: "I have a friend who goes there," Jamie says, a throwaway comment that honestly is not worth acknowledging but I have to, because what if he has the key?

The missing comma is after "acknowledging" and before "but." I didn't see the purpose of not having it there. In my opinion, I very strongly suggest being careful about trying to show emotion by missing punctuation. While it can work in some cases, remember readers very quickly get annoyed with missing punctuation and grammar errors. Not to mention there are far stronger ways to show the main character is in distress than using incorrect grammar. It's interesting here and there, but I suggest not doing it too much. Not only will that make the few moments you don't use punctuation more impactful, but it'll also make for an easier reading experience and will give you more opportunities to practice showing over telling by having to incorporate more showing to show Sadie's emotions. 

I'm not saying don't play around with the punctuation. It's your style and I don't want to step on that, but I hope you understand that from a reader's perspective, it can get frustrating very quickly, so that's why I recommend considering doing it less and making sure every missing comma is absolutely, 100% purposeful and adds to what emotion you're trying to convey.

Lastly, let's talk about dialogue tags. I have two criticisms for them. One, you don't need nearly as many as you do. If you're someone looking to get published one day, one of the most valuable pieces of advice I can give you is this: dialogue tags suck. The vast majority of publishers hate them and want them used as little as possible. They're inherently telling over showing since their one and only purpose is to tell the reader who's speaking, so the more of them you're using, the more telling over showing you're doing.

That's not to say never use dialogue tags, but consider using more actions, speech styles, and descriptions do the work. I'm only saying this because there are times you use too many tags. For example, if I counted correctly, in chapter 5, there are 13 paragraphs including dialogue. Of those 13, there are 12 tags. That's more than 90% of your dialogue having tags, and almost all of them are unneeded because the conversation is between two people. I can understand using a few more than normal if the convo is between more than two people, but two people is easy to keep track of, so you don't need as many tags.

In chapter 8, there are 15 paragraphs including dialogue and 15 tags. 5 of which are used at the beginning. If you're going to do a repetition of the tag at the beginning of the chapter, okay, I can see the stylistic choice there and maybe even like it, but I would recommend not using as many tags throughout the rest of the chapter, then. That way it gives that repetition more weight. The more you use a word for emphasis, the less emphasis it has, so if you're using five dialogue tags in a row after having a bunch of chapters where there's been almost as many tags as lines of dialogue before it, then it loses more impact. I hope when I break it down like that, it makes sense.

I'm also not saying don't use dialogue tags at all because that would be very bad advice, though I am recommending downsizing and considering letting your dialogue do more of the talking (literally), not the tags. Consider using more showing over telling ways to introduce who's speaking.

Second, you don't do this too often, but I would suggest not using actions as dialogue tags. Actions like "sigh," "smirk," "smile," etc. The reason is because tags are used to describe speaking. You can say words, shout them, whisper them, etc., but you can't smile them, smirk them, or sigh them, at least not without extreme difficulty, which would paint an awkward visual in the reader's head. 

To put this in perspective, if you say "Hi," he smiles, that implies the "Hi" is smiling, not the "he" is smiling. If you do: He smiles. "Hi." That shows he's smiling but also speaking since the action introduces who's speaking. So when you use actions as tags, that's implying the words are the things doing the action. Dialogue tags work with dialogue, that's why they're called dialogue tags, not people tags. That's why it's awkward to use actions as tags, especially when it's super easy not to. All you have to do is move the action to the beginning of the dialogue, or just don't use it as a tag. You can even do: "Hi." He smiles. That works too. So it's a simple fix, but it gives you a bunch of benefits when you don't use actions as tags as opposed to when you do.

I know that was probably a lot, but I want to highlight how all my criticisms were about grammar and presentation, not the creative side of the story. Grammar and presentation are the easiest to fix, so I hope this is motivational and helpful!

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Summary:

- Interesting story idea

- Fun writing style

- Plenty of twists and turns

- Engaging characters + character dynamics

- Be careful with consistency

- Be careful with actions as dialogue tags + dialogue tags in general

- Grammar errors

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Overall:

Shards is a thought-provoking narrative that takes many twists and turns. The main character, Sadie, goes on an engaging journey full of creepy imagery, interesting character interactions, and complex themes covering darker topics. If you're someone who enjoys those types of story elements, then this is the book for you.

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Thank you for submitting your story. If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop reopens, please let me know.

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I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad removed pms.

If you would like to keep in contact with me and ask me for more feedback on your work, I have a Discord server for all readers, writers, and friends. I'll leave a link in the inline comment here for anyone who would like to join.