Intro:

This feedback is for the book The Unknown by reindolfwrites. This chapter will be dedicated to the author. The Unknown is a short drama-horror story that makes commentary on social issues and builds intrigue through a suspenseful plot.

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Detailed Review

What Worked:

The opening line is engaging, eye-catching, and sucks the reader right in. It immediately piqued my interest and got me excited to read. Getting hooks right is how you draw an audience in, and I'm pleased to say you nailed your hook with that stellar opening.

I like the narration. The story has a unique voice in the sense that the narrator is this figure we [the audience] know nothing about, but obviously the narrator is omniscient. They see everything going on and even refer to themselves in first person, which gives the reader more intrigue. It feels like the narrator is their own character and we can see them pulling metaphorical puppet strings. It's really interesting, and although not everyone likes that type of narration, it stuck out to me as intriguing. I wanted to keep reading because of it. I love how you were able to bounce between the characters (mostly) smoothly. There were some cases where it wasn't smooth and the scene switch was jarring, but for the most part, the switches were fun and easy to read.

For example, in chapter 2 where you go back and forth between Sandra and Henry. That was fun to read and I loved it. It was like we [the readers] were narrators too.

Also, I really really hate to do this cause I don't want to disrespect anyone else's opinion, but the person in your comments telling you that you have to stick to one POV is incorrect. While in general it is a good idea to stick to one POV per scene as to not confuse readers, as long as it is written well and there is a purpose for it, there's nothing wrong with switching POVs within the story. You are narrating this story like Rue from Euphoria. Rue gets to see the thoughts of everyone and weave their thoughts in the story all in the course of one scene. So as long as there is a genuine purpose for switching POVs and you write it well, it's fine to switch POVs in your book, chapter, scene, whatever. I can provide examples of books doing this if you'd like, I actually just read one for my writing class a couple months ago and I thought it was excellent. The POV switches were fast but never jarring and made for a great narrative. Just make sure when you switch POVs it's clear so the audience doesn't get confused. I'll say it one more time so I'm not misinterpreted: as long as there is a reason for the POV switch and it is clear, I don't see anything wrong with writing multiple POVs throughout scenes, chapters, books, etc. Feel free to get creative with it!

I never like to reply to people about their opinions on books cause they're entitled to that, I just felt the need to reply to that one because I don't want you to feel creatively restricted when the POV does work as long as it's written well. The thing is, there are writing "rules," but at the end of the day, everyone breaks them. We're always bending or breaking the rules to fit the narrative. So it's easy for me to say "stick to one POV" when plenty of writers don't do that. There are so many writers, like Stephen King, who break "fundamental" creative writing rules and it works well for them, so don't limit your creativity out of fear of breaking rules. Be bold. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. If it does, it does. Take risks. That's one of the biggest parts of storytelling: risks.

Also, my name is Raven. I know I'm biased, but I loved the Raven family. That's just a small thing, but I still wanted to point it out.

I enjoy Sandra and her place in the story. I like the suspense you build around her character and how you build it up. In these types of stories, suspense and mystery are extremely important, and you manage to build tension throughout the chapters well.

Speaking of tension, the setting is perfect. The academy is the perfect place and it's described well. You have some solid imagery that adds to the setting and makes it feel real. It feels like we [the audience] can see it in our minds as the characters traverse it.

In general, the strange occurrences that happen throughout the narrative make this story so solid. For example, the body in chapter 1. It happens so fast that we gasp and have to figure out what's going on. It doesn't happen so fast that it feels jarring, but it's the right amount of surprise to set up the plot. I'm glad it happens early in chapter 1, otherwise it might have felt random.

Lastly, to add onto that last point, the plot itself is written well and I can tell you have a clear idea of what you want to do with this story. It's an engaging plot that keeps me reading for all the chapters published so far. I can't wait to see more.

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What Didn't Work:

You have punctuation issues. More specifically, commas. For example, in the prologue, the sentences are way too fast because there aren't any commas.

From the prologue:

"She luckily got admitted but it didn't go well as she wanted. She wanted everyone to like her but they didn't and made her feel useless and good for nothing because 'she was a scholarship student' as they tagged her."

Those two sentences are rushed and lack commas. My advice would be to read the sentence out loud so you can properly identify where the commas go. Try reading the sentence with commas in random places if that helps. See if the pause sounds natural or forced. Comma rules are very in-depth and can be complicated, so to avoid having to do a million years of English lessons, the reading out loud trick is a nice alternative. English is my major and even I'm tired of all these rules 😭

There are also plenty of times where you did not capitalize 'I'.  I.e., when the people are giving their testimonials in the prologue.

The formatting of the story is off. There isn't enough space between paragraphs, which makes it hard to read. Along with that, some paragraphs have indents while others do not. Stick with one: indents or no indents. Thanks to the lack of space between paragraphs, no one can leave inline comments, which is very inconvenient and discourages readers from commenting.

Your word choice is repetitive at times. In chapter 1, "décor" is used multiple times. From chapter one: "...instructed her to take her seat. Most of the guys stared at her as she walked to her seat." It's repetitive to say "her seat" twice when you can combine them. You can combine the two sentences to give the same effect without feeling repetitive. Just be cautious of repeating words and phrases. 

Also, I believe this is a typo, but I want to make you aware of it just in case: "Sandra toke..."

If I am not mistaken, toke is slang for joints and something to do with marijuana. I believe you misspelled "took" as "toke." I cannot speak for UK English as I only know US English, but from my research I cannot find anything on toke for UK English either.

There are a couple other typos and grammar errors in the story. Normally I don't mention typos because everyone, including me, makes them. I cannot tell you how many times I've gone back and reread one of my stories and was mortified to see a typo. I'm only mentioning it here because there are consistent typos or misspells. I would recommend hiring an editor or using online software to help correct your spelling/grammar. If you're going to hire an editor, make sure you find one who has experience with writing.

I think this is the third time I'm writing a section about dialogue tags. You tag dialogue incorrectly. Sometimes you do it correctly, other times you don't.

If you are adding a tag after the dialogue, the dialogue cannot end with a period. From chapter one:

"'That's not funny.' Henry said."

---> "That's not funny," Henry said.

Also make sure every piece of dialogue has its own paragraph.

I.e.,

"Hey," she said.

"What's up?" he asked.

Instead of:

"Hey," she said. "What's up?" he asked.

Keeping the dialogue in the same paragraph is too hard to read and can confuse readers.

You use way too many ellipses (...). Most of the time, they're used incorrectly. It's much easier to switch up your sentence structure so you can use commas or semicolons instead. Too many ellipses will make the story feel overdramatic.

This is just a quick tip to make your writing stronger. 99% of the time, you don't need to include greetings/farewells. "Hello" "Hi" "Bye" - all of those are almost like filler words. You can cut straight to the point. Yes, it is realistic that people would do greetings and farewells, but since in storytelling the greetings/farewells don't do anything for the story, you can cut them out most of the time. It doesn't have to be every time, but cutting a bunch of them out will tighten the pacing and get straight to the point. It's a small thing, but the small things help.

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Side note:

This story should be marked as mature. Maybe it is and it's a glitch, but I don't see it marked as mature. If it is already, then disregard this. The story has violence, strong profanity, sexual harassment, sexual content, etc. The graphic sexual content alone is enough to make it mature. I just don't want you to get in any trouble with Wattpad due to the contents of the story and it not being marked mature. It's better to be safe than sorry.

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Summary:

- The narration is unique

- Strong author's voice

- Sandra

- Intriguing plot

- Strange narrative occurrences make for strong engagement

- Good setting

- Punctuation/spelling/grammar issues

- Formatting issues

- Some repetitive word choice

- Dialogue tags

- Too many ellipses

- Remove as many greetings/farewells as you can

- Remember to mark the story as mature if you haven't already

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Overall:

The Unknown is an engaging and unique horror story with a fresh perspective on author's voice and plot. After fixing the formatting and grammar, The Unknown will become even stronger. If you are in the mood for intrigue, drama, and horror, then The Unknown is perfect for you.

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Thank you for submitting your story. Please let me know if you have any questions or want me to review anything else. You have a great start, I wish you luck with the rest of your story!

More reviews coming soon. Check the first chapter to find out how you can request a review!