Dead on arrival

My pulse just stopped

Look at my eyes

There's nothing to find

This pain is so raw

The happiness so fleeting

Maybe I need just

Self-flagellation beating

Perhaps if I bare all my sin

You'll let me back in

I just can't understand it

So I grin and I bear it

What did I do to unimpressed you

To the point where I find myself now

--the song Hard Stop, lyrics by Orion Bauwens

"Orion! Orion!"

The three of us turn. We're in a position I sure as shit never imagined myself in. We're walking the red carpet.

I'm surrounded by my idols. I feel super self-conscious, like I don't belong here. Famous people are everywhere. Everyone is dressed to the nines, make-up is on point, cameras are flashing everywhere.

I hate it. I hate it, and poor Orion looks like he's going to pass out at any given moment.

Orion smiles at the interviewer who had called him and walks over, prompting Ben and I follow. Orion obliges when she does the double-cheek kiss. The fuck--did that seriously just happen?

"Hey guys!" she says in a fake manner. Yeah--I don't like how fake everything is. This is gross.

"Hi," Ben and I reply, grinning, a camera honed in on us.

"So, you guys are kind of a big deal right now," she says, grinning. "How's it feel?"

"Fucking overwhelming," Orion says immediately, scratching his sweaty forehead with his thumb.

She laughs. "We're live, Orion."

He gives his nervous laugh. "S-sorry."

"So, what are you gentlemen going to do if you win tonight?"

"I d'no," Orion says, "die happy?"

She laughs. Gloria, thankfully, can tell how absolutely uncomfortable Orion is, so she gently begins to lead him away by the elbow.

"Thanks!" he says, looking over his shoulder and waving over his shoulder.

We all, thankfully, follow.

"Thank you for that," Orion breathes.

"Are you okay?" I ask him quietly in his ear.

He looks at me like I've grown a second head and gives his pitched laugh. I smile in what I hope is an assuring way. "Yeah, me neither. This is the pits."

"Guys," Ben says, wide eyed, waving. "People are screaming my name. This is crazy."

"You'll get used to it," Gloria assures us.

"I don't want to get used to this," Orion says quietly.

I give his hand a quick squeeze and then I force a smile, waving around.

The show itself goes much better. I, for one, feel a huge weight off me once I'm seated and get to be just another face in the crowd. I don't even mind how long it takes, although I do wish they'd get to our category already. The suspense is legit starting to get to me.

Then, finally, near the end of the show, it happens. They announce the contenders for Best Rock Song.

"And the winner is..."

The three of us are squeezing each other's hands so hard it hurts.

"Saturn Mutants!"

I lose my shit immediately. I jump to my feet and fist pump. Ben gets to his next, eyes wide, hands at his mouth. We have to rouse Orion out of the coma he's suddenly slipped into, unblinking. He blinks profusely and then grins, and we pat him on the shoulder.

Walking to the podium is surreal. Surreal and wonderful. The horribleness of the red carpet was worth it for this moment. We jog up on the stage. The gramophone trophy is given to Orion, and we stand in front of the podium. Several people are standing up as they applaud. It's wild.

"U-um," Orion says, his voice cracking. I look at him right as he loses his shit. His face crumples as he breaks down. "Excuse me," he says, the microphone barely catching it, turning his back and hugging the Grammy.

Several people in the crowd murmur "aw" and other such things. Ben and I wrap our arms around Orion, the three of us swaying slightly. That just prompts a smattering of applause and more murmurs.

"It's okay," Ben whispers.

"We gotta say something, buddy," I whisper.

"I l-love you guys," Orion croaks out.

"I know," I reply.

"We love you too, Ori," says Ben.

Orion takes a deep breath and we let him go. He wipes his eyes and goes back to the podium. More applause.

"Um, I wanna thank everyone who's ever believed in us--" his voice breaks and when he speaks it's shaking, barely keeping back tears. "I literally never thought I'd be standing here now, doing this. I wanna thank our manager because we'd be lost without her, we literally wouldn't be where we are right now."

He swallows, getting some of his composure back. "I want to thank everyone who voted for us...But most importantly I want to thank the fans, because without you, we wouldn't be here." He raises the Grammy and sniffs. "I want all the teens watching this to know that, if a poor kid from the middle of nowhere in Michigan can do this, anything is possible. Don't give up on yourself, ever." He puts down the Grammy and nods. "Thank you."

Ben pats him on the back, and afterwards I give him a hug as everyone gets to their feet. Ben and I say thank you into the microphone (of course Ben says "hi mom!") and then we exit the stage. As we walk back to our seats, several fellow artists tell us congratulations, shaking our hands, and pat Orion on the back.

I couldn't tell you who else won that night. I was in a complete daze as we kept on passing the award between the three of us to look at. Afterwards we had to go back out to the red carpet for pictures with the award. Orion was all smiles then.

The after party was nice. Then we got into an after-after party which was...Well, wild.

I'm talking like, epic wild. Complete debauchery. We didn't partake in any drugs, but there was food, and alcohol, and buckets of condoms everywhere, and it turned into basically an orgy at one point. There were naked woman who had sushi on them that people were eating off of. There were naked men walking around serving drinks on trays. About the tamest thing that was happening was they had a karaoke machine hooked up. It was everything I had read about the crazy side of rock n' roll stardom, but I didn't believe any of it was true until I was a part of it.

I ended up having sex several times. With men. I tried sleeping with a woman but, between how I felt about Orion and the fact making out with the woman at the party didn't go anywhere, well...It was during that second Grammy after-party that solidified that I was definitely gay without a question.

Just like every party, after a while I lost track of Orion and Ben. The party didn't slow down until well after the sun came up. And I didn't find Ben and Orion until it was past six in the morning.

"Guys--" I say, but Orion cuts me off.

"I'm spent."

"Me too," Ben says.

"Let's get out of here..."

So we go outside to wait for our limo Orion put in a call for. Orion smokes. I look at his profile.

He looks good. He looks like a fucking punk rocker. Honestly, it reminds me of Stacy's wake, but in the best way. I grin, taking the cigarette from him, taking a drag.

Orion raises an eyebrow at me. "Since when do you smoke?"

"Since tonight," I tell him, which is true.

It's also true that I was still drunk, which I'm pretty sure is what spurred me to make out with Orion right then and there, blowing the smoke into his mouth. He inhales and moans a little, kissing me back.

"Um...guys?"

Orion and I stop, looking at Ben. Oh, fuck, that's right, Ben.

"Er, couldja not?"

Orion and I look at each other.

"Like, I love you guys and all, but you're my best friends. It's weird seeing you do that. No offense."

We can't help it--as the limo pulls up we die laughing.

~

"You're all over the news."

I walked into Orion's house without even asking. It's the day after the Grammys. There's a padded bench situated beneath the grand staircase in Orion's house, visible from the dor as soon as you walk in. He's currently sprawled on it, still in his clothes from the Grammy's. He has a blue ice pack on his forehead.

He moans loudly. "I'm not ready for the world yet..."

"Dude, it's three PM."

"We didn't even get home until almost eight in the morning..."

I screw up my face. "That's still a good seven hours of sleep."

He's silent for a moment. Then he sighs. "I think I might still be drunk..."

I snort. Moaning again he sits up, balancing the ice on top of his head.

"You might wanna lock your door, by the way."

He flips me off. So I go and sit next to him, grinning. He leans back, eyes closed, and puts the ice pack on his face.

"So, in case you were worried--"

"I'm not."

I roll my eyes. "In case you were worried, no one cared that you broke down last night."

He moans. "Fuck, I forgot about that..."

"Everyone absolutely cannot stop talking about it. The Grammy's can't be mentioned without pointing out how you dropped an f-bomb on live TV--"

"Fuck, I forgot about that, too!"

"--or how endearing it is that you're such a genuine, emotional guy. And it's being brought up again how when we first started we were super connected with the fans. We're being dubbed 'the sweetest band around', especially when Ben and I hugged you fiercely."

Orion takes off the ice pack and looks at me like I'm crazy. "Sweetest band around? Have they heard my lyrics?!"

I laugh. "They mean us, Ori. Us, as people."

"Oh." He puts the ice pack back on his face.

"Want me to get you something?"

"Yeah, a bullet for my brain."

I roll my eyes but he doesn't see it. "Ha ha."

He takes off the ice pack again and looks at me. "Seriously, four ibuprofen? That'd be wonderful."

I grin. "On it."

"Love you," he groans.

I smirk, jogging up the stairs and shaking my head. "Love you too, Ori."