**TRIGGER WARNING** Discussion of abortion and depiction of alcoholism.

This explosion seems imminent

Is this illusion as good as Heaven

Or is this reality Hell?

Slice my hands to ribbons

Make the Nile from my blood

Would that make amends good enough for you?

--From the song Sleep or Faith, lyrics by Orion Bauwens

"Jake!"

I abruptly stop on the stairs. I'm over at Orion's place. He had called me, asking if I could come over. I agreed, so I have my mom drop me off.

I received the same lukewarm greeting from Orion's mother that I always receive. She told me he was in the basement. So that's where I am now, but I'm so stunned by what I see I can't move for a second.

Orion is on the couch. Next to him is a pack of beers. Four empty beer cans sit next to him. He's drunk.

"What the fuck, man?!"

I rush down the rest of the stairs, frantically closing the hatch. I go over to him and sit. He had been lounging, but now he sits up and grins at me.

"What?"

"What?!" I bark. "What?"

"Yeah, what?"

"You're four years away from being the legal age to be doing that--"

He snorts as he takes another sip of beer, which just makes me glare more.

"--it's the middle of the God damn day--"

"So?"

"And you're in your parents basement!"

"So?"

I growl and begin to walk back up the stairs.

"She broke up with me."

I stop.

"Stacy. She broke up with me."

I turn around. He looks at me right in the face.

"She had the abortion today. I went with her. I held her fucking hand. And she told me that she loved me, but that this was too much for her, and that after this she couldn't be with me because every time she looked at me she'd just think of--" he pauses when his voice cracks. "The baby..."

I slowly walk back down the stairs.

"So in one fucking day I lost a baby and I lost a girlfriend. So if you really wanna stand there, on your fucking moral high horse Jake, be my fucking guest. But I called you kinda hoping you'd cheer me up. But I guess I was wrong." He shakes his head and smirks. "I'm always fucking wrong..."

I jerk my head toward the hatch, shoving my hands into my jeans pockets. "C'mon."

He looks at me questioningly. So I do it again. "C'mon."

Orion down the rest of his drink, wipes off his mouth with his sleeve, and then walks to me, an expression of confusion on his face. Not providing an explanation, I lead him up and out of this hole we're in and bring him into the bright daylight outside.

Orion and I spend the day doing jack all, but it's the most fun I've had for a while. We hang out at that dorky little park down the street from his residence, climbing up the swings and balancing on top of the bar, flipping over it and hanging from our knees as though it were monkey bars. After that we go for a walk, talking about bands and video games. We head back towards my side of town where there's an arcade. I insist on paying for him, and we kill an hour there.

After that we go grab lunch. He demanded pizza. Halfway through the meal he's sitting there, holding his head in his hands.

"Pizza not a good idea?"

"Sobering up is not a good idea..."

"You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah," he says, downing the rest of his pop. He then excuses himself and races to the bathroom.

Rolling my eyes I reach across the table, helping myself to his half-eaten slice of cheese pizza.

After that we're just wandering around town. We stop in a convenience store quickly to buy Orion a pair of cheap sunglasses. I buy him some gum too--he needs it. Once finished, we go back to just wandering around town.

Eventually we grow silent. Our feet have naturally led us to head back towards his home. He's walking with his head down, hands in his pockets.

"Do you ever feel like your life is going to shit?"

"No," I answer him truthfully.

He looks at me, but I can't see his expression behind the silver rimmed black aviators. "Really?"

"Really."

He looks back down.

"Is that how you feel?"

"Yeah."

"Could I make a suggestion?"

"Sure."

"Stop doing stupid shit."

Orion stops walking, and after a few steps I stop and turn around.

"Dude."

"What?" I ask.

He shakes his head and we fall into step again. "I know the whole 'tough love' train of thought, but this morning I just watched my girlfriend have my baby sucked out of her--I really don't need that right now."

"I'm worried about you Orion."

He looks at me.

"You're freshly seventeen, and you're drinking, and you're hanging out with a rough crowd, and you're not having safe sex to the point where your girlfriend just got an abortion--"

"The condom broke!" he screams at me. I'm happy no one was around for that outburst.

"Get it together, Orion!" I scream back, "that's all I'm saying!"

He stops and grabs my arm. "I am!"

"Really?" We're both screaming still. "Because it sure as shit doesn't seem like it! It seems like you're just doing whatever the fuck you want, when you want! Whatever makes you feel good, right Orion? Consequences be damned?"

"That's not true!"

"Oh really? How about you go ask Stacy then--"

He punches me. It's a weak punch because I can tell mid-throw he's changed his mind. Orion barely clips me. Even so, my jerking away causes me to lose balance, and I stumble to the ground.

"You weren't there!" His voice is so loud it's strained. "I know what consequences are, damn it! I don't think there will be any other consequence as severe as this one! Fuck you!"

"I'm sorry," I tell him in a normal voice. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

Orion sighs and holds out his arm. "Yes you should've."

I reach out my hand and let him pull me up. "No. I'm sorry."

And whether he likes it or not I pull him into a tight hug. And we stand there, on the main street of town, just hugging each other. And to anyone driving past it must've looked weird, two boys hugging. But they don't know what the boy in black is going through. They don't know that he's not okay.

They don't know about the little baby that is never going to see the light of day in this world. They don't know about my next door neighbor who was at home, alone, crying her eyes out. They don't know that these kids are going through some really scary, adult shit right now.

They don't know these kids are facing all this alone.

So fuck it. The world could use more hugs. You never know what someone is dealing with.

~

When I get home that day I feel...weird. Honestly I didn't want to leave Orion, but he insisted he just wanted to go home and go to sleep for awhile, so I let him. It was rather late, and I had to sneak in.

That being said, I was surprised when Charlotte was sitting on the porch stairs. I walk up to her and sit down. She looks at me, tucking her dark hair behind her ear.

"Hey," she greets.

"Hey," I say. I'm tired, I'm upset, and my voice didn't mask either.

"Were you with Orion?"

"Yeah," I say, rubbing my hands together, not looking at her.

"Look," Charlotte says to me, putting her hand on my shoulder after hesitating. We're not really affectionate with each other, so the gesture is strange. "Can I tell you something? Well, ask?"

"Uh...sure?"

"Did Stacy get an abortion today?"

My jaw nearly falls off. "Where did you hear that?"

Charlotte wrings her hands. "Um...I was--I was in my bedroom last week when Orion was over, and..."

I moan and put my head against my knees. "Fuck."

"I know I wasn't supposed to know," Charlotte continues, "but I know how close you are with Orion...Could you--could you maybe just let him know if he needs anything I have an ear?"

I raise my head and pause a moment. "Do you have a crush on him?"

"Ew!" she says immediately, and I can tell it's genuine. "I like him as a friend. But I just know I'm not that close with him..." She gets up, wiping her hands on her pants. "I wish I were. The guy seems like he could use as many friends as he could get."

And with that my sister leaves me on the porch with my thoughts, staring at Stacy's house.

~

I'm sad to say for the rest of the summer none of us see Stacy very much. I'm always sure to invite her over when Orion isn't around. Even so, she rarely wants to leave her house. When we do see each other we always hang out at random places at her urging, and after awhile I notice it's because she's avoiding anywhere her and Orion had ever been.

I make it a point to never, ever bring up either Orion or what happened. I don't know if she knows I know about the abortion. She has to, with how close Orion and I are. But if she knows I know, she never lets on.

Right before the new school year starts, I see her one last time. We walk to a park that's by our houses. It's a proper park, with a full playground, water fountains, baseball fields, soccer fields...

"How many times have you and I come here?" she asks me, a faint smile on her lips.

I laugh. "More than I can remember."

She points to where there's a tire swing. "Remember when there was a tree there?"

I laugh. "What, you mean the tree I tumbled head first out of and nearly died?"

Stacy giggles. "Yup, that one!"

"Oh!" I point to where a jungle gym is, the ground soft and cushioned by cut up rubber pieces. "Remember there used to be a sandbox over there?"

She moans. "Remember when you dumped that entire pail of sand on my head?"

"You were so pissed!" I crack up.

"I chased you all the way home."

"With a stick!"

"I swear had caught you, I would've beaten you senseless with that stick..."

"Remember how sad we were when they announced they were going to update this park?"

"Oh yeah, for sure! We were convinced they were going to ruin our perfectly good park."

"We even asked our parents to sign a petition!"

"We did?"

"Oh my God, yeah! You don't remember that?!"

She laughs. "No, no I don't."

"Yeah! It was yet another reason on our already long list of why we wanted to be grown-ups, so we could have our voices be heard."

She stops and looks around, hands on her hips. I stop with her and look at her face. She looks...wistful.

"I d'no," Stacy says quietly, "I think they did an okay job."

For a few seconds she just stands, eyes scanning over the park. Tentatively I slip my hand into hers. She doesn't even look at me, one hand still on her hip. I give her hand a squeeze.

"Being grown up isn't all it's cracked up to be though, is it, Jake?"

Stacy looks at me, and there are tears in her eyes. I frown. She smiles at me though. 

"How's that time machine coming along, Jake?"

I chuckle. "It's not."

She looks back at the park, blinking back tears.

I wish I would've told her how much I loved her. I wish I would've told her she was like family to me, and that I needed her. I wish I would've told her that I knew what she was going through, and that she could've talked to me about anything. I wish I would've urged her to get help, to talk to a school counselor, or maybe a trusted priest, or found a therapist, something.

But instead all I did was stand there, holding her hand, looking out at the park. I kept my mouth shut because I was too self-conscious to speak what was on my heart. I hate myself to this day for that mistake.