dunno_know requested this a while ago but here it is finally

So I'm gonna be honest - i put off this story for so long that I genuinely forgot I had this request so I think this has been waiting here for a while

TW: follows on from the suicide attempt 

https://sossilenceofsuicide.org/?gclid=Cj0KCQjw38-DBhDpARIsADJ3kjn2gCMdx_ygHYr5QLZ2-e8R-x2vJeB3JUYGBJkUzP2E1XTPkHRmGMAaAnhkEALw_wcB

https://suicideprevention.ca/

https://www.inclusivetherapists.com/

Dick was in the hospital for four days in total, allowing a visit from Jason and Alfred but refusing any from Bruce. The most he allowed his mentor to do was look from the window or listen in through the door. He couldn't even look at him and he didn't know why exactly. He was mad of course. Mad that he'd lost so much that he'd turn to take his own life, actually following through on thoughts he'd always had but never to this intensity. Never with such proof to their claims of him being unwanted and pathetic. Yet deep down, a part of him yearned for the mentor he had when it was just him Bruce and Alfred because that mentor would've never made him feel this way in the first place. He'd be breaking down the door to make sure he was okay even if Dick didn't want to see him and he would've made the time before it got this bad to make him feel worthy. He felt a weird sense of guilt too for attempting and failing. As though he'd put them through hell and back only for there to be a conclusion that would prompt a return to normal. It wasn't returning to normal though. He was going to live with Clark whilst he recovered which he also felt conflicted about. Clark was always a stable figure in his childhood and he was happy to live with him. He could do with someone who could actually hold a conversation about emotions and be constructive about it rather than bury it until they both could look past it but never fully over it. The issue was that Bruce had offered him the same salvation, a place where he could be taken care of when his parents died and look where that got him. In time, would someone he respected turn into someone who wanted nothing to do with him once again? If he voiced the thought then Clark would put it to rest but so had Bruce once upon a time so he kept it to himself. He silently prepared himself for the worst ending when this chapter of his life had only just begun. Still, he had that impossible hope swirling around his heart that he could never snuff out fully. It had been there to make him pause between taking pills but it had been drowned out for long enough to take the concoction only once again reared its head in his final moments like a cruel joke. Well, supposed final moments.

There was always a warmth in Clark's home that the manor just never had even as it became a place that Dick was fond of. Dick thought it was because it was so small that he didn't feel the extensive loneliness that his previous home held. He liked that Clark's home looked lived in. He didn't have a butler running around to make sure everything was perfect, there were coffee cups left in random places without coasters to protect the wood, and there were marks on the walls likely from Clark's accidentally hitting them with his laser vision and work clothes were laying half ironed on an ironing board that had a permanent spot beside the door. It was comforting seeing that someone was there and watching a city bustle from your window which his own couldn't offer always made him feel better. From his bedroom at the manor, he could only see the twinkle of city lights and distant honks of cars but this was closer. He was in the thick of it. Clark showed him the spare room that he often stayed in when he slept over to escape the constant arguments. At this point, it felt like his own bedroom rather than a guest room and the superhero now looking after him didn't object to the notion as he purposefully bought things he thought Dick would like to decorate the room. Dick was a particular fan of fairy lights and lamps that allowed him to have soft lighting as he relaxed. Sometimes overhead lighting felt like tiny knives in his eyes and he had no idea how Clark could possibly know he struggled with that but he was oh so thankful.

See, Clark understood him better than a lot of adults in his life. He got those little hints of things that Bruce often missed or ignored depending on how spiteful Dick felt when thinking about it. Clark offered tactics to calm down that didn't refer to maintaining the goal of a mission, he offered noise-cancelling headphones and sunglasses when things got too bright. He brought weighted blankets and when they didn't work he wasn't afraid to give plenty of hugs. He reminded Dick of his father. They were almost similar in stature aside from the whole added alien muscle thing Clark had going on but what mattered most was how similar they behaved. They were both kind and loving, neither of them needing a lexicon or years of experience to decipher because they spoke through glances and three-word sentences. Dick found himself wondering if any of this would've happened if he'd been adopted by the alien in the first place. Had the circus landed here rather than Gotham, would he have been taken in by Clark? Would they have been closer than he already was? Then he'd remember that the only reason Jason was fostered was thanks to him. Had Bruce not taken him in when he had, he definitely wouldn't have brought in Jason. He hoped the kid would be alright without him. Hell, maybe he'd feel better with him gone so the fighting would stop. Perhaps he'd been the problem more so than anything.

The first night Dick stayed at Clark's apartment, they'd spent the whole time together squashed in his single bed. That was okay though. He hadn't realised how horribly touch-starved he was until he was wrapped up in that warm hug only the kryptonian could offer. For the first time in a while, he felt safe. Wanted. He teared up just at the thought.

"I think I was always his charity case so he found it easy to pass me up," Dick whispered, his voice low and impossibly childlike. He sounded so innocent like the nine-year-old he'd once been but his words were far older than that. He didn't raise his gaze to meet Clark's because he frankly couldn't take it. "Maybe I made too many mistakes. Maybe he just never really liked me."

"No, it's nothing like that," Clark insisted. Although he would sooner throw the man into the sun than defend his parenting, he had the decency to make Bruce's intentions clear however convoluted they may be. He'd known the caped crusader for years both before and after Dick's arrival and he knew there were glimpses of a good father underneath it all. The potential of a good father was all that kept Clark from declaring him a villain most days. It stopped him from insisting on cutting off all contact. "Bruce, for lack of a better word, struggles. Usually due to his own stubbornness and pride. He genuinely thought this would all blow over and that you'd be fine with the arrangements because everything he does, he's sure of. It works when it does and it fails when it doesn't."

"So whose fault is it?" Dick asked. "Who do I blame for things turning out the way they did?"

"I can tell you to blame a lot of people. I can tell you to blame Bruce for not stepping up and acting like the father you once knew. I can blame Alfred for not doing anything sooner. You could even blame me for not getting you out of there sooner."

"I'm not your responsibility," he croaked. 

"You are. I have the same responsibility to you as I do every other hero. As I do to Jason although between you and me he seems to like Diana a lot more than he does me." The acrobat chuckled softly, leaning into the hand that began to card through his curls. His hair was still damp from the much needed shower he had taken once getting there. 

"You're my favourite if that's any consolation."

"Dickie, it means the world." God, he hadn't that nickname said so fondly in so long. 

"What does Lois think about all this? I doubt she's very excited to take in a teenager."

"Oh stop, she loves having you around. She'll be back from her trip and you better prepare yourself. I'm pretty sure she's going to smother you all day." Dick smiled and let out a sigh of relief. Yeah, he could really get used to being wanted. 

"I'll be fine you two," Dick insisted as he got out of the car. Five months had passed since he last step foot in the manor and admittedly he was feeling queasy at going back but he felt ready. He wasn't the type to leave things this big unresolved and Bruce really was making the effort. He'd cleared his whole night, swearing off going out as Batman if needed. Jason was with a friend for the night, promising to stay out of trouble so they could talk things through. Dick wasn't sure if he'd stay the night yet but he was willing to hold out hope. 

"Don't be afraid to call us," Clark replied. "We're never too far away and I'll come right back to pick you up."

"You wouldn't be bothering us either. We can always reschedule," Lois added. 

"I'll be fine," he insisted with a smile. He waved them off before knocking the door. It felt weird to knock but even weirder to just walk in. The manor was stuck in a sort of limbo between home and a place he just knew. He had so many happy memories here but then they were soured by the last year. Even with help from his therapist, he wasn't sure what he was supposed to feel when the door opened to reveal Bruce. "Hey B."

"Nice to see you, chum," Bruce replied with a ghost of a smile. It annoyed Dick that at that moment, he couldn't stop himself from lurching forward and giving the man a tight hug. God, he missed him so much. Maybe not the person but simply the idea of him. Either way, here he was latching onto him as though they'd worked everything out when they weren't even close. "I've got you Dickie. I've got you." He nodded against the man's chest and let out a tired sigh before letting go, following him inside.

They decided to sit in the library for the discussion. It was tense and uncomfortable as they both sat down on opposite couches rather than the same one as they usually did. Well, maybe it was unusual now considering they hadn't spent time together in so long.

"I want to apologize. For everything," Bruce began surprisingly. Dick would've never guessed he'd be the one to start but still, he didn't voice that surprise, instead waiting for him to continue because that apology was half-assed at best. He wanted something solid, not something the press would eat up. "I failed you. I know I did. Jason required so much help in the beginning and you've always been self-sufficient that whilst I knew I was pushing you away, I thought it was obvious what my intentions were."

"So it's my fault then? For being the way you raised me?"

"No, of course not. I'm just explaining my thinking. Clark said it would help," he replied, desperate to amend his mistake. Dick softened at hearing he'd actually asked for help on this. He never would have before thanks to his pride but this was progress. Real effort. "I should have never taken something like Robin for you. I just- It worked. With you. Jason kept looking at the suit with such pride at knowing you and I think he needed it just as much as you did. I should've at least asked beforehand."

"I like Jason, don't get me wrong. He's my little brother and always will be. I might have said yes if you asked before but at that point you'd taken so much from me to give to him. Everything felt like it was changing and I wasn't in whatever future you were planning. I thought I served my purpose," he responded slowly. "I've worked through my feelings with a therapist and it helped. Clark helped."

"I know. I'd ask for updates," Bruce admitted. "You know why I gave him guardianship, don't you? It's not a matter of me not wanting you."

"I know. You weren't good with two kids. It was better for me to recover with him than with you. We burned a lot of bridges."

"I burned those bridges," Bruce corrected firmly. "Every night, I go over those arguments and I know each time I could've done better-."

"You just didn't." The older nodded disheartened. "But you will now right?"

"I will."

Bruce didn't get the call. It was his fault. He insisted on no Batman, on no outside distractions. If he'd allowed it then maybe he would've been able to save Jason. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice called out saying he shouldn't blame himself. That he couldn't have known. Only he could have known. He knew the job. He knew that being a Robin meant lying to get around things. He couldn't go to the funeral. The guilt made him sick and the imaginary blood staining his hands clung to him as he read the invitation. He'd packed up when he got back to Clark's apartment. Overnight, he was gone like a whisper in the wind. There was no sign of him. Perhaps that made things worse. Perhaps it made things easier. He wasn't sure which was right but he knew that he couldn't stay with the people he'd once known. He'd get them all killed. Dick looked down at his bus ticket. Bludhaven. A fresh new start. A place without a hero to protect them. Well, he'd change that. For once, people would be better off knowing him. 

BTW the 12 days is going ahead this year so if you're interested in requesting something let me know - they'll all have some whump elements to them and you can either be detailed with the request or just give me some characters you'd like to see!!