pt 2 to self-indulgent writing BUT this isn't for me specifically this is for AgentEliza 

EDIT: TW WALLY'S DEATH THEME THROUGHOUT

If you can't remember pt 1 here's a summary

Wally is gone and Dick left the team after blaming himself for everything that went down. Yes, this is Birdflash. Dick goes to the speedster house with Wally's things because he doesn't deserve them and tries to hand them over. Bart has a pop at him but immediately regrets it because he made him cry. Barry takes him inside, Dick explains he can't lead the team for now and Bart insists that he should come to visit anyway. Then he goes home after having an uwu moment

Bart couldn't get his former leader off his mind. He knew from stories other people told that Wally and Dick had been inseparable for years. Some spoke about soulmates but he didn't really believe in that. What he did believe was the pair had been the perfect match and played to each other's strengths. That would explain why Dick was doing so badly without his trusty speedster by his side. He'd gotten used to having someone be there to make sure he was doing everything he needed to and now that presence was gone so suddenly, he had no idea how to exist without it. Maybe if he had the team again he wouldn't feel that way but he'd been very stern on the fact he didn't want to lead them anymore. Bart understood that but coming back to them didn't mean having to lead them. He could just hang out. It would just be good to see him again and hang out like old times. Everyone wanted it. "Think any harder and smoke will come out of your ears," Tim stated. The speedster had almost forgotten he was staying at The Hub. In fact, everyone was. It was their weekend together where they were all free from their hero duties though everyone knew Robin would be making an appearance at some point. "What's up?" 

"I think we need a group meeting about a certain acrobat," he replied. Tim furrowed his eyebrows at him. "It's just...you should've seen him. Heard him. The guy wasn't himself and he blamed himself for Wally. Yeah, he didn't do the right thing but c'mon. No one deserves that right?" His teammate nodded. "You worried?"

"More so than I care to admit," Tim admitted. "I'm so used to him just dropping by and joining us on patrol randomly but he's never gone this long not seeing us. I suspect he's hiding his condition. Bruce isn't the best when it comes to these matters and Dick is more likely to get a lecture about his health rather than something heartfelt." He knew something was going on. He wasn't stupid and it was clear for anyone to see that Dick wasn't okay. There was no way anyone could be when their partner died, no less someone who thought they were responsible for it. It was all well and good that Nightwing was appearing every night but what about the civilian beneath the mask? He was human at the end of the day and he could only push himself so far. 

"Do you think everyone will be okay seeing him again? After everything?" Bart asked. 

"I think so. What affected us feels small compared to what he lost. He was just a teenager after all."

"What're you two talking about? You're gonna miss the movie," Garfield stated, thumbing to the set up they were making. 

"We need to have a meeting."

It was another patrol night and Nightwing was going from rooftop to rooftop looking for crime to stop. He was in his head. Thinking. He knew that being so out of it would be his undoing one of these nights but he couldn't help but do it. Wally would be watching TV at this point with his snacks and he'd be sending updates on what was happening on the shows he watched. It gave Nightwing something to do on his breaks and he loved how excited his boyfriend was. There'd be no messages. If there were, there wouldn't be any from his beloved ginger. That ginger was gone. Not even a body to bury. He didn't know if he was okay with that or not. The thought of Wally's lifeless face, inhumanely pale and hollow was stomach-churning so he was happy he didn't see that but then there wasn't any totality in all this. That shred of hope that maybe he wasn't completely gone could be devastating at points. No options were good. Nightwing drifted his mind back to what he would come home to had he not ruined everything. It'd be quiet and he'd climb through the window as quietly as possible. Sometimes Wally would be up and greet him other times he'd be fast asleep. Then the hero would strip off and get into something more comfortable. He'd go into the kitchen to find little notes stuck onto things to make cereal with. Little love notes just to make him smile. They were so simple but they made his night and he kept a collection of them all. He'd sometimes look in that box of those notes but he had to stop himself now. It always ended in him sobbing for something he could no longer have. Nightwing shook that thought and went back to playing through his old routine. After eating, he'd crawl into bed and wrap his arms around Wally where the ginger would complain about his cold hands. He wished he could do it one last time so he could hold his boyfriend that much tighter and tell him how he loved everything about him. How he loved that Wally jumped from topic to topic and ranted about his latest obsession. How he loved the stupid puns at three in the morning and how he loved that Wally had been brave enough to leave the hero life behind when he thought it was too much. Wally was everything he wanted and even then Dick didn't follow him to civilian life. Yet his lover didn't blame him. This had been his life since nine and there was no way that someone could just give something like this up when it'd been so much to them. Nightwing bit his bottom lip to stop it from trembling. He just needed to tell him how much he was loved. Did Wally know he loved him before he died?

Pain shocked him from his thoughts and he became suddenly aware that he was scrambling onto a rooftop. His breathing picked up as he tried to piece together what just happened. He was running and running and then jumped. He couldn't think clearly, he'd just been on auto-pilot the entire time. His thoughts were still filled with Wally. Trying to put together what just happened was so difficult when all he could think about was his lover. Ex-lover? Dead lover. Oh God. "Jeez, that looked like it hurt," Robin announced. Nightwing snapped his head to the teen with a surprised look. Last time he checked, he was in Bludhaven so why on Earth was Robin in his territory. He hadn't called him over and he'd probably know if there was a case that brought together Gotham and Bludhaven crime circles. Batman would've said something. Then again, he hadn't been looking at his phone. They were full of concerned messages that dated as far back as the funeral. He just didn't want to hear the same jargon people said when his parents died because he knew it was all just a hapless attempt to make him feel better. There was nothing in the words. The younger strode over and helped him sit up which was odd because the hero didn't even realize he was on his back. "Nightwing?" Robin called, seeing the older's puzzled expression. "Are you okay?" There was a long pause before the hero said something.

"Yep. Could you do me a favour and go through what just happened?" Robin shot him a concerned look. He knew why. He should know what just happened. Nightwing was supposed to know but he couldn't reach those memories. He wasn't even sure if his eyes had been open whilst he was running around. Despite his obvious worry, Robin informed him. 

"You jumped onto this rooftop from up there but you mustn't have had the angle right. You slammed your foot against the brick and only just caught yourself." The acrobat nodded slowly and looked down at his foot. That's where the pain was coming from. It was throbbing and pulsing, yelling at him that something was wrong. He must've really whacked it. He wiggled his toes a little and immediately regretted it. Had he really just broken his foot because he was in his head? Not very asterous. Not asterous at all.

"Right. What're you doing here anyway?" he asked.

"I came to check on you. Bart mentioned you showing up at his." Nightwing gulped. That hadn't been his proudest moment. His eyes darted off somewhere that wasn't the younger hero's face as he thought about how to work his way out of whatever conversation this was leading to. He really didn't want to deal with this. "We want to see you again, y'know?"

"Yeah well, you'll see me around. I'll uh drop by or something," he lied. 

"You've been saying that to me for months about coming to Gotham," Robin pointed out. "You're worrying people dude." Nightwing shook his head and moved to get up. He stumbled a little and put his hand to his head as black dots invaded his vision. He just got up too fast that's it. Totally not something to do with his lack of eating and drinking. Nope. Just got up too fast. He looked around to get a bearing of his surroundings and was surprised to find he was in downtown Bludhaven. He thought he was heading uptown. Why was he going uptown again? 

"Dick will you just listen to me!" He whipped his head to face Robin. "Did you even hear me?"

"You said I was worrying people," he mumbled.

"Yea I did. Ten minutes ago," the shorter told him. There was annoyance in his voice but he seemed to soften when he saw Nightwing's confused expression. "How often are you spacing out?"

"I'm not spacing out. I just forgot to listen," he replied, playing it off. Robin put his hand on the older's arm. It felt weird. Nightwing hadn't been touched affectionately since the funeral and there'd been a bitter tone to the sweet gesture so he couldn't even enjoy it. 

"C'mon man, you're smarter than this. Just chill at The Hub for an hour. If not for yourself but for everyone else. You fucked up but you were still our leader. We still care," he insisted. The acrobat shook off the hand holding him.

"Listen I'm okay and I'd love to see you all again but I'm pretty busy here so I probably shouldn't take-" a cry interrupted him as he put weight on his foot. He nearly fell over had it not been for his previous teammate running to steady him. 

"That's it, you're coming with me whether you like it or not," the younger told him sternly. He forced the hero to sit down whilst he called someone. Nightwing didn't catch the name. He was more concentrated on his foot. It was swelling up. He could feel his boot getting tighter around his ankle and foot. He reckoned it was a few broken toes and a sprained ankle. Maybe broken. He couldn't think of the last time this happened. Wally had broken his foot at one point. It was near the end of his career and he guessed spending all that time on the couch made him think about things. He'd tried to tend to his boyfriend as much as he could. In fact, he spoiled the ginger. Whatever he wanted, he'd get. One text said he was missing him and Nightwing was by his side as soon as possible. He knew Wally would do the same but Wally wouldn't be here for this one. It'd be nice if he was. "-not much for conversation." Nightwing turned to Robin upon hearing the tail end of his sentence. He realized that he was having a conversation with someone behind him. He turned and found Beast Boy. Further behind Beast Boy was a jet with a few of his former teammates inside. They were peaking out, tempting the waters to see if they could join in on the situation. He raised an eyebrow. Since when did they get here? He'd only just hurt himself. Maybe they had a really fast jet. 

"Hey BB, long time no see," Nightwing greeted. Beast Boy glanced at him with a smile though there was a solemn undertone to it. "I saw your show. Quite the actor."

"Thanks, dude. Have to admit some of your training helped me out," he responded. "Looks like you wiped out."

"Yeah. Think I'm losing my touch."

"You're nineteen, not fifty," Robin chided. "We're gonna get you to The Hub to fix you up."

"Or - and hear me out - I just go home and sleep it off," the older suggested.

"Nope. Beetle says you've got a broken ankle and broken toes. You're also dehydrated and your blood sugar is low. Safe to say, you're coming with us," Blue Beetle stated. Nightwing jumped at the sound of his voice. He'd completely missed the other's presence. "Relax it's just me."

"Yeah sorry you just...caught me off guard."

"I've been standing here for the last five minutes? Maybe I should check for a concussion."

"He's not got a concussion. He's just been through a traumatic experience so his brain fazes him out of reality to cope," Robin explained. "What he thinks about I don't know. Some people just don't feel real but others don't blank out completely."

"I'm literally right here," Nightwing huffed. "I'm not disassociating if that's what you're saying. I'm just thinking a little too deeply. Maybe a lot deeply. Maybe I should see a therapist deep." He paused and went quiet. "I think I missed one of those or all of them. Could've cancelled them now I think about it."

"Let's get you out of the cold," Robin told him.

It was quiet as they set Dick's ankle in a cast. He had a blank look on his face almost the entire time though it occasionally twisted with pain now and then. No words left his lips unless prompted and even with the white lenses covering his eyes, they weren't seeing what was going on. They were looking but not seeing. "You should stay here for tonight," Jaime stated. "We have a spare room." The addition didn't sweeten the deal that Dick didn't want in the first place. He wanted to go home. It was depressing there but it was comforting in a sense. At least the looming darkness that Wally was gone was a reminder that he at least had something from the ginger to remember him. 

"I'll just call a taxi," he insisted.

"Nope," Cassie stated. 

"What do you mean nope? Last time I checked I'm an adult," he responded with a smirk.

"Last time we checked, you need our help. Accept it or Oracle finds out about how we find you tonight," Tim told him sternly. 

"You wouldn't dare." Barbara would kill him if she found out what he was doing. She probably already knew and was plotting something. He could say goodbye to living on his own and any sort of freedom that came with it. He'd be cooped up with her 24/7 until he talked about his emotions and all that stuff which he'd much rather keep in the dark recess of his mind until it all came out in a horrible breakdown that may or may not get someone seriously hurt. 

"You know I would. We're not asking the world of you. It's only one night please?" Oh no. Those puppy eyes. Dick turned his head but now everyone was doing them. He groaned angrily knowing he'd been backed into a corner. There was no way he could say no at this point. If he wasn't going to lead them then he supposed he could give them just a night of hanging out. It'd been a while since he hung out with anyone. He usually just cried. You'd be surprised how much you could cry and be ready for another sob session. 

"Just one night?"

"One night is all we're asking," Garfield confirmed.

"Then I suppose Bludhaven can get through one night without me."

"Told you peer pressure would get him," Bart stated.

When they got Dick to stay, the team thought that this was them getting their friend back. He always had been a friend to them which made him pulling away from them even more noticeable but they'd got him back. He was sitting right there with them watching a movie so surely that meant they had him or they were at least making steps toward seeing him more. The only issue was Dick wasn't there. Physically he was sitting with them watching the movie but mentally he was checked out. He was thinking about the same thing he'd been thinking about for months. Wally. Instinctively, he'd reached to get his phone and tell his boyfriend all about his crazy night. He'd make a few jokes to offset the concern of the situation too because he didn't want Wally up all night fretting. It was until he rested his hand on his belt that he remembered there'd be no reason to text him. He wouldn't answer. Instead, Dick bit his nails and tried to occupy his mind with something else but every thought led to Wally. How could this be the reality he was living? They'd never talked in-depth about what would happen if one of them died. Neither liked to speak about such matters but now the acrobat wished they had. Maybe that would give him the closure he was desperately looking for or some comfort he craved. That tempting thought crept into his head to think that Wally wasn't really dead. There was no body after all. Perhaps he didn't die but if he didn't die then where was he? Would that fate be worse than death itself? "Dick?" Tim called softly. The older hummed in acknowledgement but didn't redirect his gaze. "Maybe if you talked about things, they would be easier to deal with?"

"Yeah! You could tell us all the nice things about Wally? Or how you've been? Literally anything?" Cassie suggested. 

"I don't think you'd want to hear that," he replied. 

"Let us worry about what we want and don't want to hear," Bart argued. "So spill. What's going on in your life?" Dick thought for a moment. They were kids, they really shouldn't be involved in this. Then again, they were heroes. Could they even be considered kids at this point? They were just small adults. He thought back to what he'd wanted at that age. He'd want someone to be truthful with him and be open about what was going on. He supposed the team would care for him which, if the younger version of himself was in the same position, he'd be dying to know. 

"I miss him. All the time." He turned towards them as he tried to get more comfortable with spilling his thoughts. "We didn't talk about this sorta stuff let alone put a plan in place. We both assumed that we'd grow old together. Somehow we'd get through a life of danger without losing one another," he continued. "I always thought that Wally would be the only person to never leave me. How stupid of me."

"It's not stupid. It was being hopeful," Jaime corrected.

"Hope can get you far but it can be your downfall. In this case, it was just that. I can't function without Wally. I wake up and make his massive breakfast but then he's not there to eat it and I never have the heart to eat any of it once I realize so it goes to waste. I forget to eat and drink water since I'm not getting his reminders," he explained. "Sleeping is hell in its own right so I've just stopped."

"You can't just stop," Bart pointed out. 

"I'm aware but sleep deprivation is worth it when the alternative is waking up knowing he's not there. He was my world."

It was weird. Once Dick talked about an issue he so easily went on to the next and he couldn't stop himself from ranting about everything to his former teammates. He talked about how he missed Wally stealing food, how he texted the ginger's number from time to time, how he avoided the grave like the plague and he admitted that he hadn't had the heart to touch anything Wally had last touched because what if the little warmth he had from the reminders of his boyfriend died? Throughout it all, the team listened. It's what they needed to do to get the Dick they knew back. He needed to have the support and despite being older than them, they couldn't help but feel the need to protect him. He was going through so much and the guilt was slowly eating him alive. You could physically see it was. The muscles weren't hiding how slim he was getting and how gaunt his features were becoming. His skin was sickly and they could just tell that he was one push from falling off the edge. "What if he's still alive somewhere? I know we said he was dead but what if he isn't?" Dick asked.

"There's no evidence for that," Jaime reminded him. He watched as Cassie reached over and put her hand on his, trying to ease him into accepting reality. Wally was dead. He wasn't coming back. It didn't matter if there was no body because that body was never coming back. 

"But what if we missed something?"

"Dick-"

"We could have! I messed up before so maybe I messed up again," he insisted. "He's Wally! He doesn't die- he can't-" his point devolved into frantic mumbles as he once again had to face the fact that there was no evidence to say Wally was alive. Often the simplest answer was the right one and in this case, the simplest answer was he died. Dick rubbed his eyes to hide the fact he was crying.  

"You're stuck in denial," Tim pointed out. "I know it's hard but you've gotten through things like this before."

"But my parents had a body," he argued. "I saw them die but I didn't see him go. Even if I did, that doesn't mean he's dead right? He could be out there? Maybe he just vibrated into a different dimension?" They looked at one another awkwardly, thinking about what they could possibly say. He was grasping at straws that it was painful to watch. "I need something more than hero work to keep me going. Everything is so serious and draining but coming home to that little ray of sunshine was what helped me through," he sighed, smiling sadly.

"Maybe you could get a pet? Like a dog?" Bart suggested. He shrunk back in his seat when he got pointed looks from his teammates.

"Yeah because he can replace his boyfriend with a labrador," Jaime deadpanned.

"Wouldn't be too far off," Dick defended. 

There was some quiet as they were all at a loss for words. No one knew how to help, least of all Dick. He didn't know how he was supposed to keep going with Wally but he knew that he had to stay alive. What for was a question he didn't know the answer to. "Maybe a dog would help or a pet in general just to make the place less lonely," he wondered aloud. 

"Oh, we could help you!" Cassie added. 

"Yea, I mean I'm great with animals for obvious reasons and more heads are better than one right?" Garfield suggested.

"And we could set you an alarm system to remind you to eat. That's what I have," Bart added. He got out his phone and showed the older the series of alarms he had with reminders to do things like eating or drinking water. 

"I don't understand how after everything you guys still want to help me. I messed up royally," he stated. Of course, he appreciated that they wanted to help him and still cared enough to worry but he couldn't understand. If he'd been in their position, he'd be pissed. Granted he may have slight anger issues that he only really worked through recently but that was something else and he patched up the walls after so it wasn't like he was destroying things. 

"I think you've suffered enough and learned your lesson without much of our hazing," Tim assured him.

"And I really don't think you have the mental stability to deal with that either," Bart added. "You did start crying when I attempted it." Dick laughed off his embarrassment.

"Yeah, I sure did. Well I don't think getting a pet with a broken ankle will be very smart but once I'm better I guess that's my first thing to do."

"That's a point. Are you gonna be okay on your own with your cast?" Jaime inquired. The acrobat glanced down to his foot then back up to him. 

"I'll be fine. This is just a surprise break and once I can stand without pain I'll be back to work." That did raise the question of who'd take over whilst he was out. Maybe he could trust the police force to take over for a little bit. 

"I can do some shifts there if that'll help," Tim suggested. That was definitely better.

"That'd be great." He went quiet for a moment. "I really appreciate you guys and despite me not being your leader anymore, I'm still proud of you guys. You've really lived up to what we started and maybe if I look past my ego, you've done better-" 

Suddenly Dick was enveloped in a group hug from his previous teammates. He cackled softly and hugged them back. Maybe he'd be okay without Wally. There might just be some sunshine left for him to live for.