Alternative title: Bruce being a disaster dad and Dick being a disaster son featuring the people who have to deal with them

EDIT: TW BLOOD

Dick couldn't wait for tomorrow and his excitement made up for the horrible patrol he'd just had. There'd been so many people out tonight and he felt so tired after going from one fight straight into another. It had to be one of the roughest nights he had this year but he couldn't care less. He was meeting Wally and Roy tomorrow for their monthly play date and he wasn't going to let anything stand in his way of seeing the two gingers. They were practically brothers at this point and he hardly got to see them with all the hero work he did. "Master Dick, can I trust you to get yourself ready for bed whilst I work on Master Bruce?" Alfred asked as he stitched some of the bigger cuts together. The boy nodded happily and skipped upstairs. "You must be getting old sir. There's not a scratch on that boy."

"There's not a scratch because he's far too slippery to catch," Bruce replied. "Do check on him in the morning won't you? Just in case there is something."

"You let your paranoia get the best of you, sir." The conversation phased out as Dick got to the top of the stairs and entered the Manor. As he started walking to his room, he felt his side beginning to get sore. It wasn't like a stitch but it felt like something he should probably take note of. It got worse the closer he got to his room so once he closed the door, he practically ripped off his vest to see what was going on. 

Torn skin revealed a bit too much of his inside tissues and that wasn't even mentioning the blood trickling from it. Dick's eyes went wide and he rushed to his bathroom where he could get a better look in the mirror plus tiles were much easier to clean the blood off than carpet. He hopped up onto the counter and knelt on it so he could get a good look. It didn't look like a stab more like he just caught the tip of a knife. He probably should've noticed it sooner but Bruce always talked about something called adrenaline that made you not notice these things. Honestly, Dick didn't really listen when he droned on about the technical stuff but maybe he should next time because this was getting rather painful. Then a thought hit him like a tonne of bricks. The play date was tomorrow. He wouldn't be allowed to go if he was hurt. He bit his lip. The right thing to do was go tell Alfred there was something wrong and get patched up but then that meant no Roy or Wally. There was the wrong thing to do which would be to patch himself up and then be able to go but then something could go wrong. He'd seen Alfred do it enough times so surely he'd be able to fix himself up. Yeah, he'd do that. He turned and rooted through his drawers to find the first aid kit. There was one in nearly every room in the house because Bruce was so paranoid after the chandelier incident. Luckily that paranoia came in handy. He opened the kit and quickly found the antiseptic wipe. Now he knew he should use them but he was already being bad so why not just continue? He moved them out the way and got to the cotton balls and bandages. He guessed he'd need a big plaster too but he didn't have any. What he did have were small plasters that had cool designs on them to hold the cotton balls in place. With some finessing it would work. He paused for a moment. Maybe he should take his shower first and then start this process. Since he wasn't cleaning it with the wipes he supposed he should at least clean it in the shower. He huffed and hopped down from the counter. He then got into the shower and did his best to ignore the amount of red going down the drain. Fortunately, none of the towels Alfred provided were white so he didn't have to worry about staining those. Dick didn't know how to work the washing machine just yet and he was specifically told not to go near the stuff you poured in with the clothes. He'd wait till Alfred said he could. Once he got cleaned up and dried off, he got to work. First, he pressed the cotton balls onto and into the cut (the second part being on accident) then stuck them there with a mix of Wonder Woman and Flash plasters. Next, he stuck down one end of the white bandage to his skin and then began wrapping it around his torso over and over. He tried to keep it at the quality Alfred did it but found his were too loose. He shrugged off any problems there were with that and finished up wrapping the bandages. With that, he went to bed and got to sleep.

In the morning, Dick checked it whilst he got changed for Barry's house and didn't take much notice of the small dot of red on the outer layer of the bandage. It felt sore so he searched through his drawers again and picked some painkillers. It was then he paused. Patching himself was one thing but messing with drugs was another thing altogether. He finished getting ready and went downstairs. "You're up early sir," Alfred commented, seeing the little boy walk into the kitchen.

"Morning Alfie. Can I ask you something?" The butler nodded and paused making breakfast to give the boy his full attention. "Is there anything I can have to stop aching? Last night was rough."

"Will you be okay visiting your friends?" Alfred replied.

"I'll be fine! It's just sore but I'll just tell them to be careful," the younger responded. Liking that answer, he opened the cabinets and picked up a packet of pills. He got out enough for someone as small as Dick was which wasn't a lot and paired it with a glass of water. 

"Take this lad, it should help for now but you must ask Master Bruce for a dose in another four hours."

"I will!" He gulped down the medicine and chased it with the glass of water before handing it back to the butler. "Thank you, Alfie!"

"Honestly sir, I don't know how you have the energy in the morning," the older laughed, ruffling his hair. 

"Dick!" two gingers exclaimed, both very pleased they couldn't be told off for cussing. The acrobat grinned and ran over to them as his mentor said goodbye to Alfred. Bruce was vaguely aware he was supposed to keep an eye on his protege today but he couldn't see why. If Dick was well enough to run over to his friends, he should be well enough to get through the day. 

"It's nice to see you, Bruce. You've missed the last three playdates and had your face not been plastered on a billboard I would've forgotten what you looked like," Iris greeted with a smirk. 

"Business is good and unfortunately I have to be there to witness it," he replied. 

"Business this, business that, it's a wonder Dick doesn't start talking about stocks the way you go on about it," Oliver teased. "No Selina?"

"She's a criminal Oliver. I'm not bringing her to this, especially not with Dick."

"Pfft yeah right. You two have the hots for each other and soon enough you'll see past the whole cat burglar shtick," Barry argued. "Suppose the gals are just gonna have to have a one on one chat. At least the boys are happy to see one another." They looked over to the trio running around and playing stuck in the mud. They always seemed to have a good time when they were together but their father figures didn't find it so easy to be around one another. Their only common trait seemed to be having children through no biological means. It was a trend Bruce hadn't meant to start but here they were. 

"How's Roy been?" the billionaire asked his fellow philanthropist. 

"Well...he's been a brat. He's too sharp now and skips straight to having bribery to do anything," he complained. His ward seemed to overhear his name and stuck his tongue out at him. He did the same only to get a sharp look from Dinah. He put his tongue back in and returned to the conversation with a guilty look. 

"Did he happen to ask for an Xbox?" Barry asked. He looked as though something just clicked though the other two were very much confused by the seemingly random question.

"Yea he wanted a second one, why?"

"So that's where Wally got it. Smart kid," he muttered. "Wally's been good! He's taking this stuff really quickly and half the time he comes up with things that I would've never thought." He talked with adoration for his protege. Wally was clearly the apple of his eye and it paid off. They'd seen the work the kid had done and he was pretty good at keeping up with the hero. Sometimes even they failed to keep up with the speedster.

"Nice but I didn't ask," Bruce stated.

"I know your conversational skills so I decided to cut the middle man. How's Dick?" the ginger responded.

"Fine." The heroes stared at him with frowns.

"Just fine?"

"Yep."

"C'mon dude the only thing we can talk about is the kids and all you'll contribute is fine?"

"Well, he is fine. His grades are fine, his fighting his fine and he's fine," Bruce elaborated though he didn't give much. It was like what fathers who had no real clue what their kids were doing say when asked about them. Surely someone who spent so much time with Dick would give them more. 

"How on Earth is Dick like that when you're like this?" Oliver huffed.

As the boys played, they became aware of Dick behaving oddly. He couldn't quite stretch out his arms and he looked in pain when he moved in certain ways. They'd brushed it off since they were heroes at the end of the day. They avoided death every night so why wouldn't he be harmed at some point. Besides, this was Dick. He was veteran compared to either of the gingers at the game so if he wasn't okay he was going to have the smarts to say so. Meanwhile, Dick was regretting his decision to solve his problem his way. He thought if he'd been careful from the night of getting it until arriving at Barry's house there's be no problem but there was a problem. A big problem. He'd forget about the pain long enough to do something to reignite it and he'd have to pretend like there wasn't agony blooming from his side. If he did say something, he'd be sent home but he didn't know exactly how much longer he could go without breaking. "Time out," he called to his friends. Just a small break would do the trick. If he rested for a little bit then surely it would just go away. That's usually how it went. Rest and the pain goes away for a short period of time. It was a good idea. 

"Nuh-uh, that's cheating!" Wally retorted. Dick was the tagger and he wasn't going to be fooled into being tagged. It had happened enough times before with Roy and he didn't doubt that the acrobat was taking on some tactics of the eldest. 

"Just because you're losing doesn't mean you get to give up ya sore loser," Roy chimed in. The youngest hummed and accepted that he'd just have to grit his teeth for this round. They'd break for snacks soon enough and he'd rest then. Though, he wasn't sure if he could make it. As he chased after the older pair, he had to stop and wrap his hands around his stomach. His friends giggled at him, not realizing the weight of the situation. 

"You're such a bad actor Dickie. We're not falling for that!" Wally proclaimed. They ran around the boy just to drive home how they weren't falling for it. The only thing was Dick wasn't acting. "C'mon dude it's no fun when you don't..." the speedster paused as he watched his friend double over. His eyes were so scrunched up and his grip on himself was so tight that this picture started to look very different. Wally stopped running and got closer. "Hey Roy, I don't think this is a joke." By his tone, the eldest stopped and appeared by his fellow ginger's side with a sceptical look. Dick could be mischievous when he wanted to be but his timing was always on point. If this was a joke, he was leaving it a little late to tell the punchline. 

"Dick? What's up bud?"

"Hurts," the younger whined. The pair gulped. His voice was so strained that they couldn't play it off as acting. 

"Where does it hurt?" Wally asked. Dick moved his arms to lift up his shirt but he didn't need to. His shirt was already stained with a crimson substance. "Barry!" the speedster screamed.

The scream immediately stopped all conversation and all heads turned to see what happened. It had been devoid of any joyful or playful tone. Something was very wrong. Bruce immediately spied the problem on his ward's shirt. "Shit," he muttered before running over. He waved the two worried boys away so he could get to his own and helped him sit on the grass. "Let me see chum." The younger sniffled and lifted up his shirt, revealing the sloppily wrapped bandages that were once white but now they were red. "What on Earth?"

"I-I'm sorry!" the boy exclaimed. 

"What's wrong with him?" Iris asked worriedly. Bruce had almost forgotten that of course, everyone would be curious about what had made Wally scream like that. He became acutely aware of the people standing over his shoulder to see what was happening. 

"Cut," Dick whined. 

"You got a cut and you didn't tell me? I've told you about this!"

"Don't shout at him," Dinah hissed. She knelt down beside the boy and let him lay back onto her lap so she could at least calm him down. If he was too upset, he'd be hell to work on. She ran her fingers through his black hair as he hiccuped. "Shh, it's alright. He's such a meanie shouting at you like that, isn't he?"

"He's bleeding profusely!" Bruce exclaimed, gesturing to the blood.

"And yelling won't help. Barry, I presume you have a first aid kit?" The speedster nodded and disappeared inside, using a bit of his super-speed since he couldn't trust his neighbours not to tattle if they heard him break the sound barrier. He returned with the kit and passed it to Bruce who was unwrapping the bandages to reveal soaked through cotton balls that were stuck together with...

"Are those Flash plasters?" Roy pointed out.

"Wonder Woman too," Wally added. They all watched this car crash that was a patch-up job done by a ten-year-old was taken apart by his mentor. He tried to take off the cotton balls but some of them had gotten inside the cut and whilst he was trying to pick out all the material with tweezers, Dick whimpered and wailed. 

"Jesus Alf is losing his touch isn't he?" Oliver commented.

"Alfred didn't do it," the billionaire bit back. "Dick did and now he's learning not to do it ever again."

"He's just a child Bruce," Dinah snapped. She never liked how the older spoke to his ward at times. He treated Dick with the same tone he did to fellow teammates and whilst that was respectful sometimes, at other times he wasn't. He wasn't an adult who'd had years of experience. He was a child who happened to work as a hero. He should be spoken to as such especially when he was upset. Children weren't built to be hurt like this. No one was. 

"He probably got it last night, it was overlooked and then when he realised he decided to fix it himself because he worried he wouldn't be able to come over then running around aggravated more so now it's gotten to the point where he's tested his body to his limits," Iris suggested. Everyone turned to look at her. "What? That's just a theory. Am I right Dick?" He nodded and squirmed under the tweezers picking the cotton. "Scratch that, it's the truth. Fancy that."

Once he was sure all the cotton was out, Bruce brought out the dreaded anti-septic wipes. As soon as it touched the cut, Dick kicked at him to keep him away. "I have to do it or else you'll get sick," the older told him very matter of factly. "Judging by your reaction you didn't clean it properly so this step is extremely important." The acrobat shook his head and shouted again in defiance. "Calm him down or I'm sitting on his legs."

"You'll probably crush them," Barry commented. 

"It's alright Dickie, it's only gonna hurt for a bit. I can hold your hand if you like?" Wally suggested. He hated seeing the younger distraught, it just showed how young he was. He was only small too which really didn't help. The acrobat accepted the offer and reached out for his hand. He quickly took the hand in his own and tried not to yelp when he felt the iron grip of the boy wonder. He swore he could hear all his fingers breaking under the pressure. 

"It's all okay. Once this is over I'll get you some ice cream. Would you like that sweetheart?" Iris asked, wiping some of the tears from the boy's face.

"He's not getting a treat!" Bruce barked. "He deliberately hid something from me that is potentially dangerous." A flurry of glares was sent his way, shouting that there were a time and a place to lay down the law. "What?"

"God, you're the worst dad out of all of us," Oliver deadpanned.

"Debateable," Roy mumbled.

"He's obviously not going to do this again because he got ice cream at the end of it," the philanthropist continued. Bruce chose not to comment on the subject further and continued his work. Once he had something clean to work with, he inspected the wound and concluded that he could glue the skin together rather than stitch it. 

"Tell him what you're doing. It helps calm them down," Barry whispered to him. 

"He's crying, I don't think he cares-"

"Just do it!" The billionaire rolled his eyes but did as he was told. What harm could it do?

"Dick the cut isn't bad enough to go to the hospital so I'm going to fix it here," he announced. "I'm going to glue it alright? It'll sting but it's better than bleeding out." Dick nodded as he started to calm down now there were no demon anti-septic wipes. He leaned further into Dinah's touch and his vice-like grip on Wally's hand loosened though the ginger maintained his side of the grip. 

"That's it Dickie. You're doing really well."

It took a few more minutes before Bruce finished all his work and placed a big plaster over the wound to keep it safe. "There, all done. Looks like we'll have to implement regular checks hm?" he announced. The younger hummed tiredly, the crying and pain wiping him out entirely. 

"Bruce hold him," Dinah stated. She collected the boy in her arms and held him out for his bewildered mentor to take.

"What? Why?"

"Oh my God, do you need a lesson on human empathy along with basic raising children knowledge?" she sneered. She decided to keep hold of him instead and got up. "C'mon Dickie, let's get some ice cream. Boys you too."

"Yay ice cream!" Wally exclaimed. He looked around and put his arms down. "Wrong timing got it."

Years down the line

"And that's why we do checks after every patrol," Dick finished.

"Grayson when I said why do we do checks, it was a complaint, not a question."