totally not projecting about my fears

anyway birdflash time 

TW: BLOOD

Dick thought the day he stopped being Batman would be one of the best days of his life. He hated the mantle he'd been forced to take despite all the years he'd spent trying to evade its shadow, yet the responsibility fell upon him as the oldest and as the first Robin. It wasn't all bad though. He'd been able to raise Damian and he had to admit it was nice having a Robin by his side to chat with on stakeouts and depend on having his back. Damian grew on him, they just clicked one day and suddenly he'd do anything for the kid. If he were honest with himself, he'd be able to say that he was starting to feel more like a father than a big brother but he could have a degree in denial if they ever gave them out so he pushed that feeling back down. Maybe that's why when Bruce said he could return to Bludhaven and he'd take over that something felt wrong. Like he was returning home but now his room had been swapped over and everyone had a different routine. Perhaps the dog had a new limp they never told you about or now they get takeaway on every Saturday rather than once in a blue moon as you remembered.

A pit grew in his stomach whenever he saw Batman out with Robin because it wasn't his Robin. That was Dick's Robin, his partner in fighting crime. He'd done so much for his little brother who desperately needed help outside of training. He went to the parent-teacher conferences, he went to the after-school events, he helped him with homework, he was a confidant when no one else would listen and he'd give advice that was actually taken every once in a while. He did all of the things Bruce didn't do and although it wasn't like Bruce had dipped out on them on purpose, he felt that seed of anger grow because it just wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Dick had to do all the hard work of teaching a reformed assassin how to deal with life and then Bruce got to stroll in to reap the benefits of his work without so much as a thank you. Logically, he knew that was a rather biased view of what happened. The way Bruce likely saw the situation was his eldest stepped up into a role he didn't want and now that the previous owner was back, he could go home. Why did it feel so wrong though? Why was he feeling so mad when it's not like he'd never ever see Damian again and he could go back to being Nightwing?

Then, as he sat in his flat alone one Saturday night watching the news cover yet another Batman and Robin takedown, he realised why it felt so wrong. Sure it made sense to be a little upset at the change of routine he'd grown to love and how he'd miss seeing Damian every day but that didn't explain the seething rage about to breach the surface. It didn't make sense why he'd feel so jealous when he never wanted to be Batman with a Robin, especially after his childhood of feeling like a sidekick rather than a protege. Then he figured it out. He'd been replaced. Again. Damian didn't need Dick, he needed Batman and at the time it was him but now that it wasn't that didn't matter. Bruce had once again taken Robin from him only this time Robin was a person and not a title and it hurt so much worse. It was like a stab directly to the heart every time he thought about being so proud of the kid for opening up and then someone else seeing that soft side to Damian he rarely showed without even having to work for it. He didn't know if he had a right to be upset about losing Robin because at the end of the day Damian wasn't his kid but he'd been his Robin.

Replaced.

Again.

Was that his role in life? To be a placeholder for people until they found something better? How long until Bludhaven replaced him with a new shinier hero? How long until his friends found a better person to be friends with? Well, that'd already happened hadn't it? Even if they would deny it when asked, Roy and Kori were now close-knit with Jason now. Although he was happy they were friends - because Jason really needed some friends who wanted to murder people but wouldn't usually do it - he couldn't help but feel replaced when they hadn't spoken in a while. The phone worked two ways but nothing from them inspired him to be the one to reach out first. Dick sighed to himself as the silence of his home became almost deafening. He could admit to using people before to make himself feel better and God knows he regretted it so maybe the universe was teaching him a lesson by having him get this realisation when there was no one around to make him feel better. If Nightwing was a little ruthless that night then no one said anything.

Dick thought he was hallucinating when he opened the door to find Wally leaning against the doorway with a grin and a few growing red patches staining his Flash suit. He had so many questions but he decided against asking them, instead inviting him inside to sit on his couch. It was already covered in blood stains from his various self-patch-up jobs so he wasn't too concerned about anything being added to it. He grabbed his first aid kit from underneath the coffee table and Wally began to peel off his suit. The acrobat's eyes wandered for just a second before he continued on with his task. They hadn't shared a word, not even a hello, but they didn't need to nowadays. They'd been best friends for years and stumbling into one another's lives with a bunch of cuts from some unknown assailant was somehow normal to them. Wally was facing away from the acrobat so the few scrapes from stray bullets could be cleaned. They were much deeper than the ones on his front so it was logical to start there which was why Dick found it odd that he'd hesitated to turn but maybe it was the blood loss.

"So, how have you been?" Wally asked, breaking their comfortable silence. 

"Evidently better than you right now," he answered. "Works been fine I suppose. Most of my cases are in the baby stages right now so I've got nothing too major going on. My patrol has mostly been cleaning up petty crime."

"Enjoying time away from the Bat Brat?"

"Is that what we're calling my lil bro now?" he questioned with a smile. "And I'm uh- I'm coping." The ginger leaned back, actively making it harder to see his wounds and rested his head on Dick's chest so he could stare up at him with a concerned expression. He looked adorable, yes but he was also bleeding so the acrobat just rolled his eyes. "Dude, I need to make sure you've got nothing in you before these start to close up. I'm pretty sure vaccines-"

"Tell me what's going on baby bird," he stated. 

Wally had always been pretty especially to Dick and the acrobat was quite aware the crush he had wasn't a simple man crush but full blown head over heels crush. They'd been friends for so many years and he'd been with enough people to recognise that flutter his heart did when those emerald eyes focused on him. Sometimes he considered saying something but other times he assumed that Wally knew and accepted it, not wanting to say it aloud in case they ruined something. As if drawing attention to it would break that unexplainable bond they shared but they could never take that chance. He supposed if he was untrained in managing emotions, he'd be a mess whenever they were together.

"You've hardly been returning anyone's calls, you're not swinging by Gotham anymore and you're not sharing any good memes with me anymore." Dick swallowed thickly, breaking out of his musings about their relationship. He hadn't thought anyone would notice his lack of effort in communicating with them all. Then again, he was a replacement as much as he was replaceable. People probably noticed the gap they'd been using him to fill up and that didn't sit well. 

"Maybe there aren't any good memes," he replied smoothly. There was an art to misdirection, be too obvious with it and people won't take the bait. Be too subtle and they'll ignore it completely. He knew how to direct Wally, change the subject to one of the last things he said and he'd forget his goal briefly. If he kept going, then it would be completely forgotten in favour of a new conversation.

"Dick, we're in the golden age of memes. You can find good memes."

"You said the same thing about the rage comics, I don't trust your judgement. Now move forward so I can work." The speedster huffed and righted himself, grumbling something under his breath. "You're the one who showed up to my flat with bullet wounds and no explanation. My house my rules and my rule currently is making sure you don't catch something. How did you even get this banged up?"

"I got them when I was looking for you," Wally admitted with what could be mistaken as a blush dusting his freckled cheeks. "Came across some turf war so I sorted it then came here. Two birds one stone."

"Not if you got any of my leads locked up. Do you know how hard it is to get interviews with them after the police are done with them? I have to get less than ethical," he grumbled. "Why were you even looking for me?"

"I wanted to talk to you. I missed you dude." He smiled, feeling his face heat up. He may be replaceable to a lot of people but he could count on Wally. 

"I miss you too."

Wally's question about his well-being had been forgotten about by the time he was finished with his back and moved to the ones on his chest. They were hardly anything to worry about but with how quick the speedster healed, any sort of grit stuck in a cut could get him a nasty infection. Dick sat comfortably on his friend's lap and got to cleaning a small cut on the man's freckled pec. He always did wonder how much of his body was spotted with freckles but he never got far with that thought for fear of thinking like some creep. The position they were sitting in with anyone else with a crush probably would've been downright mortifying but he was a professional at keeping himself in check. Plus he had something to keep his mind busy, busy enough not to notice how the ginger's hands were resting on his waist to keep him steady rather than staying by his side.

"You're very sneaky, yknow?" Wally commented.

"It's my whole deal so I'm quite aware," he answered cheekily. The hands tightened as he moved to the next cut to clean. "Sorry. I know you don't like it but you're annoying when you're sick."

"It's not that. You've always talked to me. In your own weird way sure but you've always talked about how you were doing. You've stopped and you're worrying me. I know how bad you can get when you're stuck with your thoughts." Their eyes met briefly as Dick considered the reply. He mulled it over in his mind, going down each road each response would take him down. He didn't want Wally to worry and if the guy had gotten hurt on his hunt for him then he supposed it was only fair to spill the beans.

"I uh. I feel replaced. Again," he finally landed on admitting. "Being Batman sucked, it was one of the worst things I've had to do, but Damian made it all worth it. People think the kid is a prat, which he is, but he's also sweet once you get to know him. He's great with animals, he's veggie as a result, and he's got this passion in him that drives him to do his best." He couldn't help but let a smile spread across his face because he really did love the kid like he was his own flesh and blood. "He's also had a hard life that made him that way. You should've seen how surprised he was when I insisted he stay in bed when he got the flu. I think that's what got him to fully trust me."

"So why do you feel replaced?"

"When Bruce came back, I understood going back to being Nightwing. I was looking forward to it. Then there was losing Damian. He was my Robin and I thought I did a damned good job of raising him but now he's Bruce's Robin. I'm not saying I wanted him to still be my protege but- I don't know. I feel angry that I only just realised my position now that it was all over. I was a placeholder whilst the real deal was broken. No matter how great I was, that's all I am to Damian and I can't even complain because who wouldn't be over the moon at their dad coming back?" He sighed and fiddled with the packet of antiseptic wipes. "It's like I'm sixteen again, finding out Jason is Robin. I'm blindsided by what my role was as I once again overestimate who I am to others." Wally's hands came to cup his face and Dick's eyes widened with surprise, focusing on the man's face so he could discern if this was a platonic or romantic touch. He silently counted the freckles speckling the speedster's face even though he already knew how many there were. 

"You're assuming how the kid feels. Bruce right now is shiny and new but he's not going to be that way forever. Even if Damian is concentrating on being Bruce's Robin right now because he got his dad back, he'll realise you're better and I bet you'll never be able to get rid of him. You're not a replacement. You're not replaceable." Dick leaned into the touch, drinking in the warmth and the kindness in the words but unable to believe them. Of course, Wally would say that to him. They were best friends and that's what friends do to make each other feel better. They say what people want to hear to feel better and only tell the raw truth when a reality check is needed. The acrobat wished he could be one of those people who didn't know that fact so he could lose himself in the security. 

"Am I not? History might disagree with you there." Suddenly Wally is closer than he was before and their chests were pressed together. Their eyes scan over each other but neither makes note of the closed distance. 

"No to me." 

Fireworks explode in Dick's mind as the ginger's lips are pressed against his. It's like a beat dropping or finally cracking a case. Something that felt just out of reach had now fallen into his lap. He wrapped his arms around Wally's neck as the hands that were once on his face now rested on his lower back to press them impossibly closer. He didn't know when his eyes had fallen closed and he almost forgets to breathe because this is simply dream-worthy. He wouldn't be surprised if he was going to wake up at any moment. That thought leaves him when he gets a pinch and as he yelps, the speedster slides his tongue into his mouth. Eventually, when they part to breathe, he can feel how wrecked he looks. He felt almost drunk.

"Sorry, I just- I'd been building up the nerve to do it all the way over here and it seemed like a good time," Wally said.

"I'm so glad that you did," he replied. "I'm even happier you did it after I patched you up."

"Why?"

"Because, if this is going where I think it is, I'd rather not have a pit stop to fix you up before going to my bedroom."

"Yeah, I totally planned that actually."

"Uh uh. Better get to the bedroom before you dork yourself out of dick."

"Please, that's one of the reasons you're attracted to me."

Maybe the universe wasn't a total bitch. When one door closed, another opened and he was more than happy to walk through to wherever this one led him.