||holy crap, chapter 50 i am shooketh to the core ALSO THANKS FOR 14.5K READS GUYS IM SHOOKETH TO THE CORE, even more, like my core is quaking||

I wake up screaming. Damn nightmares. I rub my eyes and reach for my phone, knowing i'm not going to be getting any sleep anytime soon after watching my dad harm everyone i care for. I see the clock on my phone, displaying 3:48 AM.

I lay back down on my bed and stare at my ceiling, not really though because everything was dark. I let my mind run wild, not knowing what to really think about sense about 8,000 thoughts were running through my head.

I couldn't focus on one, so really my mind just topic jumped, and that was a bummer. Because when I 'topic jumped' I always got a headache, I mean, it never failed.

So, I crossed my fingers as I walked into the kitchen looking for some form of medication to get rid of the pain developing in my skull. I was actually lucky for once. "There is a God," i mumble as I take out two tylenol pills.

I get a glass of water, put the pills in my mouth, and swallow. Because, I don't care what you do, if you can dry swallow pills, I don't trust you. Like, only a few circumstances is it okay to do that. And that's when you literally have access to no drink and need the medication. That's it, any other reason, and we're not friends.

Will, sense he was a normal human-being and got the regular, healthy amount of sleep, wouldn't be up for another few hours, so I had a lot of time to kill before he would be able to text me. Which, I also was super excited for Saturday. It was going to fucking dope. Ew. did I just say dope.

I hate myself.

Whatever.

I sit down on the couch turning on youtube, playing David Dobrik because they guy is fucking hilarious. Once the video started playing, I decided that at almost 4 AM, coffee was a good thing to drink.

As I went to boil the water, I wondered if, if I had parents, if I wouldn't be as fucked as I am.

And I don't mean that as in self-deprecating.

I'm pretty okay with the fact I am literally trash, but like, I could be such a different person. I could still be living with my parents, or at least near them, I probably would still be asleep, I probably would have stuck with Will, I also would still be in college, maybe have a more stable career.

But I think I'm okay with how things were, because Will wasn't going to gone forever. I was working on my mistake. My huge ass mistake.

I'm an asshole.

I also need to change topic before I get sad, because I make dumb mistakes when I'm sad. So, now I'm going to focus on Hazel, because Hazel is getting married, and that is so amazing, she is literally about to stand there in a white dress with frank in a tux, and like, she's practically married to him anyway, but still.

It's going to be great.

I'm beyond excited for her. She is going to have such amazing and beautiful kids, I mean, she had the same situation I did, but made something positive of it. Well, she was just not being negative about it.

I mean, yes, she was a bit more different. She never really say Hades, she never had to be there while he left, but that didn't make that much of a difference. I guess some people are stronger.

I'm just weak.

And now I'm thinking bad thoughts.

Oh, how I love my mind.

Finally though, my coffee was done and I added the ingredients to make it how I wanted, which was nice, I wasn't too happy for it, because recently my coffee making skills have been actual shit.

And this time was no different. It still tasted gross, but I'm an addict so I drank it anyway. I continued to watch youtube on my TV for awhile, just letting the hours pass by, it was friday, which meant I would probably drink with Annabeth after work, especially if Jason wasn't back yet.

He had been off the grid recently and that was concerning, but he was just getting over a break up. He was allowed to go off the grid. If sitting in the woods drinking helped him, that was fine. I prefered just drinking whenever I was sad.

I should write a self-help book of what NOT to do. Like, 'Chapter One. When sad, don't turn to alcohol. I don't know what you SHOULD do. But turning to addicting substances is not the answer. Try hanging with friends. I'm not sure if that works, because whenever I do it, we just BOTH get drunk.'

I would make a lot of money, because no one would have to learn from their own mistakes, they could just learn from mine!

'Chapter Two. When making coffee, always remember the measurements, because if you don't you'll never know what makes it good, and then you'll have to drink gross coffee, and gross coffee can seriously ruin someone's day'

That's it. I'm going to do it. It will be great.

It'll be my next project. Most people will take it as a joke until they realize how fucking dope it will be.

Ew. There we go with the word 'dope' again. I'm a walking representation of 2008. Maybe I should cut my hair - nope. Never mind. Not doing that. I like my hair. It's great, a little on the longer side, but I liked it, plus you never know when you may start losing it. So, it's good to keep it long until you can't.

2008 was great anyway, so I'm keeping it.

Maybe I could get a tattoo. I have no clue why that would make me less 2008-like, but I really think I may get a tattoo.

Maybe lyrics of something.

Or a quote.

I don't know. It's too early to be thinking of life altering decisions. I check the time and five AM is approaching. I really have no clue what to do until it's time to get ready and go to work. Everyone is asleep. I have nothing to do. Literally nothing. I have no groceries to bake with, I don't have enough money to buy ingredients, and my laptop is dead, I don't have school work.

I have nothing to fucking do.

So, I'll finish my coffee and then I'll take a shower, and hope Will is up, then I'll get ready to go to work, and then hopefully that's that, and then it will be Saturday and I get to see Will in person.

Will's great. I fucking love that boy.

Which after the whole biggest mistake of my life things, the I love you situation may be weird, but it's whatever. I love Will, and I'm not letting him not know that all the time, because I messed up bad, and if I have to seem like a disgusting love-sick puppy, you bet your ass I will because Will is worth the 'embarrassment'.

Once my coffee was done, I did follow my 'plan' and take a shower, knowing that by the time I was done, it would be half-past five, and that Will still would be asleep, but I really liked showers, and while getting in them sucked, and getting out of them sucked, being in them was nice.

I washed my hair with soap, and I may be a little ashamed to admit it was Will's old soap. It just reminded me of the countless times he would lay on me and I would play with his hair, I really liked playing with his hair. It was its own form of therapy honestly.

After my hair was clean, I stood in the shower for a few more minutes. I just really liked showers, but soon the water got cold, so there wasn't really a point in standing in cold water.

I wrapped the towel around my waste and sighed as i looked in the mirror. I don't exactly hate myself, but I don't like looking in the mirror. I can't ever understand why, but still. I didn't make eye-contact with my mirror self.

It's weird. I know.

After walking into my room, i put on my black skinny jeans and my Bailey's Diner T. I didn't really know what else to do. Everyone was still asleep. Some people were waking up, sure, but still.

Finally it was 6. Which, I know everyone normal was still half-asleep, but atleast that meant I wouldn't be really weird if I called an Uber to go to McDonalds or something.

So, I decided to do that, I called the Uber and waited for them to get there. I saw that I wasn't going to get Henry. I didn't know what I wanted for McDonalds, and I didn't really know how I was going to PAY for the McDonalds, but either way. I wanted something from McDonalds.

It took awhile to finally arrive. I still didn't know what I really wanted, but I thought a coffee was a good thing to start with, and then I'll just think about it later.

I have work to do.

||author's note: hey guys. This chapter is a filler chapter, and i'm sorry for the shit lately. It seriously sucks. Like i feel nothing is like good enough to put out there? But i swear the next few are going to be better, like there is ... a plot? Like i promise so pleeeease forgive me because awesome, hopefully anyway, chapters are coming out soon, anyway. Please please forgive my shitty writing for now, love you guys! ||