Akaza: it's okay to murder people, but it's not ok to disrespect your wife btw

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: *eats 14 packs of Scooby-Doo fruit flavoured gummy snacks*

Enmu: I'm gonna solve so many mysteries

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: No cake in a “cake looks like an object” video is in fact cake. It is a pound of fondant wrapped around a miserable little piece of bread the consistency of florist’s foam. Beautiful art to be sure, but each is a lie wrapped in another lie, as edible as the object it appears.

Rui: So the cake is a-

Rui: The cake is a lie?!

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki: I don't wanna girlboss anymore, I just wanna girlrest

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: is that a WOOOOOLF in a ca- ey- aeyEAYE WHUWHERED YOU LEARN TO DRIVE

Random wolf: RRUOAOHAGHORHHRGRO

Enmu: WHAAET

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui: Oh no, Akaza! Why's your arm in a sling? Are you okay?

Akaza: No worries, just took my training a little too far is all–

Enmu: He threw his arm out playing Wii Bowling

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki: Gyutaro? Would you still love me if I was a worm?

Gyutaro: Of course. I would put you in a spacious terrarium with good soil and you'd be the most fabulous worm of them all

Daki, tearing up a bit: *sniff* thank you

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki: Why were you up yesterday until 3am?

Rui: How did you know I was up until 3am?

Gyutaro: We could hear you clapping to the Bluey intro every twenty-five minutes

Enmu: *gasps* Rui! You were Late-Night Bluey Binging without ME?! I thought we were friends, nay BrOtHeRs, yet you go and betray me just like that?!

Rui: No, Enmu, wait, I'm sor-

Enmu; Silence! I'm going to find my trains, NOBODY BOTHER ME PLEASE! *storms out of the room*

Daki: ...

Gyutaro: ....

Rui: ....

Daki: ....So...Rui, you wanna go watch the Addams Family with me and Gyutaro?

Rui: Which one?

Daki: 1991 movie

Rui: .....okay

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: [throwing Skittles at Daki, Akaza and Douma to catch] TASTE THE RAINBOW! Ingest the light!

Enmu: FEEL IT'S POWER. Absorb all the color! Devour the sun! [Hits Douma in face]

Douma: OW!

Enmu: EAT THE STARS. You are unstoppable! [throws Skittles into Daki's hair]

Daki: HEY WATCH THE HAIR-

Akaza: Enmu, you don't have to be so aggressive about it- [gets hit on forehead]

Enmu: Just be grateful that I'm sharing my candy. Now, go long!

Akaza: Whatever [catches the Skittle in his mouth and eats it]

Enmu: [gremlin laughs while throwing handfuls of Skittles at everyone like some sort of feral flower girl yeeting flowers during a wedding]

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: Make no mistake. Not only am I party rocking, but I am also in the house tonight.

Douma: But are you shuffling?

Enmu: Everyday.

Kokushibo: What language are you two speaking?

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: *dances down the aisles of a store*

Daki: You do know people can see you. There are cameras.

Enmu: *Turns around and stares right at Daki*

Enmu: I hope they’re enjoying the show

•×•

Daki: *dances down the aisles of a store*

Enmu: You do know people can see you. There are cameras.

Daki: *Turns around and stares right at Enmu*

Daki: I hope they’re enjoying the show

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui and Enmu: Getting all our family members mood rings so we know when our homies need a hug.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu, threatening the others with a paintball gun: Listen... Life comes at us fast. We don't know what life is gonna give us... And today, it's gonna give you... a paintball!

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu; The existence of Doctor Pepper implies the existence of a Doctor Salt

Daki: Enmu please, it's 3am go to sleep

Enmu: The inner late night ramblings of a madman stop for no one, not even family

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui: How much would a trip to Spain cost?

Douma: It depends where you live.

Douma: For instance, if you live in Spain, it's free.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki, trying to teach Rui the alphabet: Okay, you got this. Repeat after me... A B C D E F G

Rui: A D E C G F B

Enmu: Yaaass, Rui! Remix!!

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Kokushibo: What's the first thing you notice when Douma approaches you?

Akaza: The audacity.

Kokushibo: ...

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Computer: Choose a password

Rui: *types Rui*

Computer: Password is too short

Rui, sighing: I know

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: Don't ask me what I'm talking about. I don't know, okay? I'm just the vessel. The message has been gifted. I've moved on.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Kokushibo: Why is Rui on the counter?

Enmu: He likes to be tall.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui, curled up on the floor: nothing ever goes right

Rui: the universe hates me and wishes nothing but misfortune to be brought down upon me-

Kokushibo: would you like for me to make another cup of hot cocoa for you?

Rui staring sadly at his spilled cup: yes please

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Douma: This apple crumble is kinda gritty...

Gyutaro: That's beach sand.

Douma:

Daki: And a seashell.

Douma: Well, that explains the crunch

Douma: I just thought that it was hideously burnt or something

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Akaza: Here’s a fun idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.

Kokushibo: Akaza no.

Enmu: Mistlefoe.

Kokushibo: Please stop encouraging him.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Akaza: Before I do anything extremely life changing or potentially stupid, I ask myself, would Douma do that? And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: People who sleep with their phone on silent or DND really don't care about anybody.

Daki: Look, if you decide to have a problem after midnight, that's between you and Muzan.

Rui: How do you set your phone to Dungeons and Dragons?

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui: I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far it's not twenty seven

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki: Miss Piggy puts up with so much as a woman in show business and her response to misogyny is never to turn the other cheek or to take the high road. It's to physically attack people, and she's right.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki: Murder is bad? Even if I say sorry afterwards? Even if I'm an anime girl?

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: Check it out! I've successfully bedazzled my whole face! *blinks* ow. I feel like I should've thought this through a little better

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Douma and Enmu: Sometimes a man's gotta steal an animatronic badger to stay in this game called life

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Akaza, after dropping something on his foot: GAAAHH! SWEET HOT BELGIAN WAFFLES! Wait.... I'm alone! I can swear for reals now! *aggressively inhales* SON OF A-

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Akaza, in a praying position: Please, I don't know if you're really up there or not, but if you are..... Please save me Paul Bunyan!

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: "When the cherry blossoms of Magic romance Academy are in bloom, anythyding can hadplen." That is so true!

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Douma: This seems like the kind of thing a responsible parent wouldn't want you doing. Good thing I'm an uncle.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Kokushibo: Why don't you go off and be a normal kid? Flirt with someone or.....steal a pie from a windowsill...? Do....do kids still do that nowadays? ......Man.....I feel old

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui: I thought LGBT was a sandwich?

Gyutaro: W-what??

Enmu: No, no, no, you're talking about a BTS

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu and Daki, wearing sunglasses after a bad day: Words can't hurt us these shades are GUCCI

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui, off into a rage: EVERYONE IN MY WAY SHALL BURN

Enmu, off in the distance: *sniff* My little baby off to destroy people. They just grow up so fast

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Me, about Rui and Enmu: It's my random set of characters and I get to make the brotherly bond

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui, reading from a magazine: If you were the leader of a new country, what would your flag look like?

Enmu: Just Garfield’s face. It’s a power move: there’s no doubt I’m the supreme leader of my land if no one stops me from making Garfield the flag of my country.

Douma: Flags are outdated symbols that lead to unnecessary nationalist exaltation. We will replace flags with a national QR code that will provide Taco Bell coupons and lead you to my TikTok.

Daki: I’d go for a simple three-colored stripe approach where each color represents one of the country’s values: blue for diplomacy, purple for patience, and red for the blood that will be spilled if anyone raises a finger against me.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: Can I have these question mark stickers?

Douma: Why?

Enmu: I want to put them on stop signs.

Douma, handing over the stickers: Have fun.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Douma: I don't know who needs to hear this right now, but you can eat lasagna in the shower if you want to. It's not illegal. They can't arrest you. Go and be free.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Kokushibo: How well can you perform under pressure?

Enmu: Eh. Not well. But I could try Bohemian Rhapsody.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki: What are you watching?

Enmu: It’s a horror film about two ex-convicts who try to rob and murder a neglected child.

Daki: [looks at the TV]

Daki: ...This is “Home Alone.”

Enmu: I stand by what I said.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

                  Interrogation scene
Daki: This guy won’t break.

Enmu: I got this.

Enmu: 1 2 3 4 *strums a chord on the guitar*

Enmu: *screams*

Enmu: *screams some more*

Enmu: *exits the room* He didn’t break. This guy is good.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

                  *Police Sirens Ring*
Rui, who has never committed a crime in his life: They found me.

Kaigaku, who actually committed the crime, eating chips: You better run.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu tapping the whiteboard with a stick: Welcome to Modern Slang 101.

Kokushibo: This is suppose to be a mission meeting.

Gyokko, attempting: Yeet.

Enmu, now tapping Gyokko on the head with the stick: Very close.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki, pretending to be a human: *acts like a human*

Enmu, pretending to be a human: Greetings there fellow humans. Human fellas

Enmu: I sure love hanging out with other humans

Enmu: And talking about fun things like money and starting wars!

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui: Which country has the most birds?

Rui: Portu-geese!

Daki: That's a language

Rui: oh my bad

Rui: *clears throat* Portu-gull!

Daki, nodding: Good recovery

Enmu: I think you mean good re-dovery ;3

Gyutaro: TURKEY. HOW DID WE MISS TURKEY?!

Enmu: Most people forget about Turkey, unless one is talking about Istanbul or Constantinople

Gyutaro: Aren't those two the same place?

Enmu: Well yes, but also no

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu, to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy and I liked it

Rui, worried: Should we go and get Kokushibo?

Douma, joining: The taste of his cherry chapstick

Akaza, appalled beyond words: Go get Kokushibo

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui, to Enmu: I like you, have a flower crown

Rui, to Nakime: I like you have a flower crown

Rui, to Gyokko: *judgemental stare*

Rui, to Akaza: I like you have a flower crown

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: My therapist said that I need to start breaking down my walls. I have chosen the fourth one.

Enmu, looking directly at the camera: Hi there, I'm Enmu, Lower Moon One and I use humor as a coping mechanism.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Kokushibo: Under unprecedented circumstances, I am now a father. How that happened I have no clue.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki: It's time to stop treating us like children! It's also time to stop feeding us dino nuggets

Gyutaro: But, you love your dino nuggets

Daki: We're adult now

Enmu and Rui, in the back playing with the dino nuggies: *aggressive dinosaur sounds*

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: Snacking between meals is the least, but tastiest, of my problems

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki, to Nakime and any other female demons in the area: Good morning ladies, let's get violent

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Kaigaku: I'm so tired of this life. I want to be a roomba. I want knives taped to me. And I want to be set loose.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui: If I stay in bed I'll be warm. If I get in the shower, I'll also be warm. But the distance between the bed and shower? No. That is not warm.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

*While the Squad is in a battle*

Akaza, trying to warn about the location of an enemy: To the left!

Enmu: Take it back now y'all!

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki: Get in loser, we're going shopping.

Kaigaku: Ma'am this is a McDonald's drive thru.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: Soup should be a human right. In the heart of every town, there should be a big pot of soup and you can help yourself! And if anybody meddles with the soup…well, I think the answer should be obvious.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Douma:  How are your breakfast burritos?

Cashier: Disgusting.

Douma: I’ll take a jumbo.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui: What are you doing right now?

Daki: Helping Enmu look for his bag of M&M’s that I ate an hour ago.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Gyutaro: Douma got banned from the chicken shack, so we had to go out of town to get some.

Douma: Well, they shouldn’t say “all you can eat” if they don’t mean it.

Daki: Douma, you ate a chair.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: It’s not illegal.

Kokushibo: [staring into Enmu’s car trunk, which is full of bread] It’s just...There’s so much-

Enmu: But it’s not illegal.

Kokushibo: ...

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: Welcome to Cooking 505- wait, what...what do you mean it’s supposed to be 101? This is my 5th attempt at cooking this.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki: You can't make everyone like you, you're not Rui.

Douma: What? Not everyone likes Rui.

Enmu: Who doesn't?

Douma: Well-

Gyutaro, Enmu, Daki, and Akaza: Names now, Douma. GIVE US THEIR NAMES!!!

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Akaza: you spent all your money on THIS?

Rui putting tiny raincoats and hats on his spiders: they go outside, they need them

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui: I'm five, so I get five cookies!

Kokushibo: Rui, that's now how it works-

Enmu: [shoving fifteen cookies in his mouth]

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

*Akaza and Rui set the kitchen on fire trying to cook dinner for the family.*

Akaza: We need an adult!

Rui:  But Akaza, you’re the adult!

Akaza: We need an adultier adult! Go get Kokushibo!

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: Thought I was meowing back at some cats for the past hour. Turns out it was just me and Daki meowing at each other from different rooms in the house.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki: I hate capitalism. It’s a rigged system that keeps us poor. You shouldn’t need to have three jobs just to afford the basic necessities

Daki playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should’ve tried not being poor

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Douma: do you think lava would taste spicy?

Gyutaro: Douma please DO NOT eat lava

Enmu: since lava is actually molten earth it would probably taste very bland and dusty

Douma:  *to Enmu* you are the only one here who gets me

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Gyutaro: What did you guys get in your yearbook?

Daki: 'Prettiest smile'

Rui: 'Nicest personality'

Kaigaku: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'

Enmu: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui: What’s it like being tall?

Rui: Is it nice?

Rui: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?

Gyutaro: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb 4 chairs, 2 boxes, a small coffee table and 6 oddly placed stools to get what they want.

Enmu: It was one time!

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui: Do you think we went overboard with the party decorations?

Douma: Nah, it's cool.

Gyutaro: The backyard is on fire.

Enmu: Aesthetic.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: You want something to drink?

Rui: I'll have something as dark and cold as my soul

Enmu: *hands him a mug of warm milk*

Rui: *tearing up* thank you

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: Died and came back as a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: *pulls a glass of water from out of nowhere*

Daki: where did you get that?

Enmu: my pocket.

Daki: how do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?

Enmu: skills.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki: Why do witches like always wanna fatten kids up before they eat them? Fat is like, the grossest part of meat.

Akaza, doing an old witch impression: Why hello there, little children. Please follow me to my magical [suddenly changes to a loud gym coach impression] FITNESS ROOM. NO PANSIES ALLOWED BEYOND THIS POINT. LEAVE YOUR WHINING AT THE DOOR BECAUSE IT’S LEG DAY AND WE’RE ABOUT TO GET R-R-R-RIPPED!

Enmu: Because they’re always cooking said kids in cauldrons and ovens - aka long cooking times at lowish heat. If you do that to fatty meat, the fat melts completely and the meat gets tear-it-apart-with-a-fork soft. If you do it to lean meat, you get tiny little sad meat bits that bring no joy to anyone.

Douma: Well, you did ask.

Enmu: Also there’s wisdom in fattening them up on sweets and other carbs. A meatless, carb-rich diet makes for more tender and flavorful meat.

Kokushibo: ....Never thought that today would be the day that we would be talking about the semantics of eating children

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Douma, on the phone: what? your not coming to my tea party?

Douma: ENMU I MADE BISCUITS!!!

•×•

Enmu, on the phone: what? your not coming to my tea party?

Enmu: DOUMA I MADE BISCUITS!!!

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Daki: What are some cute things to call your partner?

Akaza: Sugar, honey-

Rui: Egg

Douma: Flour

Gyutaro: 1/2 pound butter

Enmu: Stir

Daki: I hate you all

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Kokushibo, going over Enmu's resume: Okay, so right here, it states that you’re creative.

Enmu: Yes

Kokushibo: Okay… may I know what you create?

Enmu: Problems.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu, T-posing on a table: They YEETED the STONKS and it has left me SHOOK.

Douma, lying on the floor: Ooooh, the tea is SCALDING.

Akaza, crying: What are you two monstrosities saying?!

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Douma: I've been feeling simultaneously lazy and hungry at the same time, so I'm just laying out a little sugar to catch my snake.

Gyutaro: Flies. Sugar catches flies.

Douma: What catches snakes?

Enmu: You gotta wear a snake trap.

Daki: No, you need those metal sticks with a grabber at the end.

Rui: Sometimes I use those to get cereal down from the cupboard.

Enmu: Why are there snakes in your cereal?

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: I thought a chiropractor was a type of dinosaur...

Gyutaro: WHAT?

Daki: Ah yes. Chiropractors. My favorite dinosaur, the best type of dino nuggie to get.

Enmu: STOP BULLYING ME THE END OF THE WORD SOUNDS LIKE VELOCIRAPTOR-

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: The only acceptable icing is buttercream. Whipped icing is a coward's choice and fondant people are demons and gotta meet me in the street for their poor life choices that led them to accept Play-Doh as acceptable cake decoration.

Douma: Turn on your location and we can talk.

Enmu: Hope you understand sign language then 'cause all you're gonna be seeing are these hands.

Rui: Wow, it sure is getting real intense in the cake decorating fandom.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Gyutaro: What’s your blood type?

Enmu: How would I know?

Gyutaro: How would you not?

Enmu: Who am I, Karl Landsteiner, discoverer of blood groups?

Gyutaro: You don’t know your own blood type but you know who discovered them?

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui: Hey, can we stay in your room tonight?

Kokushibo: Why?

Gyutaro: Enmu fiddled with an ouija board and cursed ours.

Daki: Not to mention that Akaza doesn't know how to banish spirits, so he just throws salt at them and yell "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A HOTEL TO YOU?!"

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Kokushibo: *walks into the kitchen*

Rui & Enmu: *wearing gloves and goggles and welding a sandwich together*...

Kokushibo: Alright we’re going to skip the “what” and just go straight to the “why”...

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Enmu: Hey, you know what would be funny? Signing Douma up for online dating.

Daki: Yeah, right.

Enmu: No, think about it. We can make it an experiment. Like when Frankenstein's monster was lonely and he found a wife.

Daki: He didn't find a wife. They built him a wife out of dead body parts.

Enmu: Fine.

Enmu: We'll call that plan B.

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Akaza: Oh good you're not busy.

Douma, in the middle of a tea party with his little ice clone dudes and a couple of corpses: Actually Akaza, I am busy

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Rui: Enmu, you have to promise me that once we enter the theatre, you don’t threaten the candy bar man into giving us free lollies.

Enmu: I promise.

[Five minutes later]

Enmu: GIMME YO LOLLIES OR ELSE!

Rui: Enmu?!

•×•~•~•~•~•×•

Douma: I actually have a black belt.

Akaza: In what, karate?

Douma: No, from Gucci.