Jimmy had never thought it would be an issue, but the fact that Jessie had managed to beat him in hand-to-hand combat stung. She was immensely skilled and talented, but he'd always had the upper hand in brute strength and speed.

Not anymore. After a sparring session that seemed to go on forever, she'd tapped into some hidden energy and floored him in two moves. The strength of her hits, the precision, her balance, it had been amazing.

Caught between awe and shame, Kato's congratulations got on his nerves. Jessie grinned, rightfully satisfied with her progress. In that moment, Jimmy hated himself that he couldn't just be happy for her.

"Your training is very nearly complete," Kato declared, the pride on his face unmistakable. Once he turned to Jimmy, his face fell into the mildly annoyed one which was so familiar. "You on the other hand..."

"Yes, still have a long way to go," he mumbled, trying to keep the resent out of his voice.

"Jimmy," Jessie said, her smile slipping off her face.

"No, it's okay. Congratulations. You were great." And deep in his heart, he meant it. His voice was just a little robotic as it tended to be when there was a turmoil inside him.

She sensed something was wrong and she nibbled on her lower lip. It was blissfully distracting, even if it only managed to plunge him in his other extreme.

"Nonsense, Jessie," Kato said, nudging her towards the door. "You deserve to rest for a while. I will handle this."

"I don't think there's anything to handle," she retorted, but he shooed her away with a smile. Once Jimmy nodded, she gave him a small smile and left the dojo.

The moment she did, all traces of benevolence slipped off Kato's face.

"Come, time to train."

"Are you giving me more hallucinogenic tea?"

Kato threw him and entire thermos. "Yes. I have trained people much less talented than you. I will not have you be my first failure."

Ouch, that was a bit extreme. "It's you who's been keeping me out, chopping your damn firewood."

"Do you understand what is inside your head? The storm inside you?" Kato waved his hand as if shooing away a fly. "Do you register the danger you possess? A mundane task is meant to help you explore your mind."

Jimmy opened the thermos, and took a big swing of the tea. It tasted like shit, the way it always did, but he could barely feel it. Yes, he was very aware of the danger, of how out of it he was. But he was more aware that they didn't have time to be cautious.

"Lay it on me, old man."

Kato smirked. "Lay it on yourself."

Everything dissolved into nothingness. During the last three sessions, he'd managed to pull out of his orphanage years. He'd even sailed through Tom's attempted suicide and his breakup from Izzy.

But once he got to the part of his life which had started the downward spiral, it was much harder to sail through since he began feeling powerless on a constant basis.

And there was something he'd never managed to ever fully get over.

The darkness felt heavy, more real than his body, and the silence was deafening. He couldn't hear his breathing or his heartbeat. And that's when he was sure what would happen. His entire being filled with dread.

The silence was finally broken. He shut his eyes as tightly as possible, but it didn't change anything. The sound was still there, no matter what he did. The sound of Jessie crying.

No, I'm okay. Don't cry.

Except he knew he wasn't. Back then, he hadn't known, didn't understand. But right now, he knew that in that moment, he was dying. Jessie knew it too, that was why she was crying. And he was stuck in that void, knowing that she was hurting, that he hadn't told her that he loved her, and that he never would.

"Get past this."

"How?" he bit back.

His entire body was shaking with helplessness and a sense of how useless he was. She was suffering and he couldn't help.

"But you surpassed it," Kato insisted.

Yes, he had, but not in a way he could cling to for support. Liquid fire filed his veins and drowned out the sound of Jessie's sobs. Back then, the thought it was life re-entering his veins. Now, he knew it was death.

The serum spread through his body, inspecting its new host, making sure it survived. The hope he'd felt, his rebirth... It had been real, but not in the way he'd imagined. The pain was too powerful, exacerbated by the knowledge of what this all meant.

He'd never blamed Kyle and Jessie for their decision. Neither of them knew what the serum could do. They wanted to save his life. But now he wondered, if he'd known, if he'd had a choice, would he have let it happen or embraced death?

"No. Wake up."

A slap across the face drove the memories back and he opened his eyes to a very pissed off Kato.

"I do not know what you are seeing or what it is that happened to you, but it sends your ki into the ground." He mumbled some more in Japanese, probably cursing.

"I..." Jimmy rubbed his cheek, not sure what to say. The slap didn't even phase him. He was grateful to be out of there.

"You need to start explaining or I cannot help you."

His first impulse was to tell Kato he didn't need his damn help, but Jimmy knew better. The memory of how Jessie kicked his ass was still too fresh. So to hell with it.

"When I was eighteen, I nearly died," he said, his voice a little shaky. "I was injected with a special serum which saved my life. It's the same thing that won't let me live now."

Kato hesitated as if thrown off by the sudden honesty. Then he fell silent and pondered. Jimmy leaned his back against the wall and rubbed his eyes. These incursions into his subconscious were always exhausting, no matter how short.

"It does not appear that you had a choice," the old man finally said, his tone careful.

"No, I didn't. It was either that or death."

"Then you must accept it for what it is. For how it made you stronger."

"I mostly have." Since he'd never had any other choice.

"Then why are you stuck there?"

The sound of Jessie's crying seemed to fill the room even without the drug. Jimmy winced. "It's a very complex and confusing memory."

Kato was not fooled. "Does it have something to do with Jessie?"

"What difference does it make?" He hated that he sounded defensive, but he knew the old man would disapprove.

Kato nodded towards the thermos. "Drink again. And focus on Jessie."

Jimmy blinked. Had he heard wrong? But Kato nodded in encouragement so he complied, draining the rest of the disgusting tea.

Darkness came fast and strong and he was once again surrounded by the sound of Jessie's crying. It was still one of the worst things he'd lived through. But how could that be when he'd been through much worse?

The darkness dissolved and images flew around him with maddening speed. Jessie telling him that she was not coming back, her with her back against the furniture dam, blood spilling between her fingers. The agony he felt in Paris, drugged and with no clue where she was, if she was still alive. Finding out she was married, going home to find her gone. The loneliness, the despair, the fear.

How? How had he even survived all that? It seemed to be crashing down on him, smothering him.

"What is she doing to you?"

Kato's question made no sense. Jessie hadn't done anything to him. She'd always been his sunlight, his hope, his happiness. She'd breathed life into everything. But that didn't mean he hadn't been ready to let her go twice. He'd never been dependent or addicted to her, but she'd always been everything.

His final thought as he stepped into the void.

The images were silenced as he floated into the dead of space. Blackness punctured by stars surrounded him. He couldn't move, there was no gravity. And he knew he was dead.

I should've asked her to marry me.

Don't do this. You have so much left to live for. You said you wanted to propose to Jessie.

Jessie, Jessie, Jessie.

"Are you focusing on her?"

"Yes." Even if he was stuck in the void.

"Are you drawing strength from her?"

"Yes." That answer was easy. He always had, until he fell into that black hole, at least.

Then, everything became a lot more complicated. She was just one of the robots watching over him, always with worry on her face.

She was not there with them when they poked him with needles, when they made him bleed, when they pushed him until he fell off his feet from exhaustion.

His muscles tensed and his fingers curled against his will. Every feeling of fear and helplessness morphed into an anger so pure, it allowed for nothing else to taint it.

The satellite, the jewels, the lies. There was something there he couldn't fully grasp yet, something which explained everything.

"Are you still thinking about her?"

Kato's voice was a distant, annoying nuisance. He didn't need his shit. He needed to make heads roll. Catch, destroy.

"Do you think it would be enough to take him on?"

"There's only one way to find out."

It would never happen. He and Kyle would turn on everyone and make them pay.

"Go back to Jessie."

The request was odd, but it made sense. Jessie had the serum as well, she could be useful to prove what it really did.

Jessie had the serum because he'd given it to her.

The darkness around him shifted and the rage morphed into something else. Suddenly there was light fleeting between white curtains, on the immaculate sheets.

She was there, on her stomach, covered from the waist down, smiling at him.

"What are you thinking, Hotstuff?"

Just that he never wanted to leave that room, that he wanted time to freeze so that he could make love to her forever.

"That," Kato instructed. "Cling to that."

His instructions were very confusing, but it wasn't hard to obey. He'd rather be stuck in that shining memory with a smiling Jessie rather than outer space. He felt powerful there, in charge of his future, in love and safe.

"Draw your strength from this," the old man said. "Sense how it made you overcome your weakness and use it to destroy your demons."

He'd already done that in real life. Used his feelings for Jessie as a shield to overcome everything in his life. Love in general, because it wasn't just for her, but for his brothers as well. For his friends. Anything that would prove he was not a murderous zombie.

He analyzed Jessie's face, the twinkle in her eyes, the happiness surrounding her. She'd changed so little over the years, and yet, he could tell the real Jessie had lost some of this energy. A weight seemed to have taken permanent residence on her shoulders, and he knew he was to blame.

"Notice how you became stronger," Kato said.

He hadn't become stronger. Just used the strength he already possessed in a more efficient manner. Chose to have his love be a catalyst for growth and solace instead of a weakness.

Jessie stretched between the white sheets, a satisfied smile on her face. He knew what would happen next and he really looked forward to it.

She had never been his weakness, but his strength, always pushing him to be better, to face his fears and overcome them.

"Then why isn't this working?"

Once again, he was in complete darkness, but now he could see both Jessie and Kato.

"Why isn't what working?" Kato asked.

"My training, these trances." Jimmy glanced at Jessie. "What I'm supposed to achieve."

"I killed you," Jessie said with a shrug. "Because I'm stronger that way."

"Well, I'm not." And her words hurt.

"There is chaos inside you, not constant growth," Kato explained. "Unlike with Jessie, I cannot anticipate where you draw your strength, what you are seeing now."

"I can see you."

Kato stroked his beard and the darkness morphed into the reality of the dojo. Jessie wasn't there and the old man was sitting in front of him.

"This is very odd indeed. Do you feel like you have made progress?"

"I fast-forward through all the bad crap, but I'm not sure."

Kato stroked his beard some more and hummed to himself. "Strange indeed."

The frustration rose inside Jimmy like a tidal wave, and the all too familiar feeling of the monster the Agency had turned him into grabbed hold of him.

"Why is this happening? Why am I not getting better?"

Kato squinted at him, reading beyond his words, obviously realizing he didn't mean in his training.

"You must let Jessie go," he finally said.

"Bullshit!" Jimmy got to his feet, the pulse thundering in his ears. "You have no idea what you got yourself into, no idea what to do with me!"

The man shook his head. "It is you who has no idea what to do with yourself."

Jimmy whipped around and stormed off, heading towards the exit. The walls of the house felt smothering again as anger coursed through his veins like poison. He knew it shouldn't be there, that he had no reason to rage, but he felt so helpless.

No one knew what was wrong with him, what they'd done to him, how to fix it. There really was no help.

Jessie obviously thought it was drug related and that it would go away with time. And yet, he'd been off the drugs for over two weeks. How much longer? Why did he feel as helpless as he had when he'd first gotten out of the facility?

He pushed the door open and headed across the yard, towards the shed and garage. Part of him wanted to race up the mountain again, but it was better not to. So, instead, he just marched to the rock wall and placed his palms on it.

He still felt lost, out of place, tainted. Unable to focus, going from rage, to numbness, to a lust he couldn't contain. Everything was extreme and confusing and he wasn't getting better.

Kato obviously thought he had the power to stop it from within. That old man had no idea that his thoughts and feelings were like a vortex from which he could only draw so much with great difficulty. Who cared that he had all his memories, his former self, when it was well beyond his reach?

He leaned his forehead against the cold rock, trying to force himself to come with a solution. It was impossible.

"Jimmy?"

Jessie's voice made him flinch, but he didn't turn around.

"How did training go?" she asked tentatively. When he didn't answer, she came closer. He could hear the hesitancy in every step. "Are you mad at me?"

He shook his head because he needed to make that much clear.

"Then what's going on? Please talk to me."

Her request reminded him of his former self, of how he used to share everything with her, however nasty, of how he'd put a gun in her hand and asked her to shoot him if he ever got out of control.

He turned around to face her. She was less than a foot away, her gaze filled with worry.

"Do you remember when you promised me you'd end me if I ever got out of control?"

Her eyes widened. "What?"

"Did it ever occur to you to do it while I was locked up?"

"Of course not. I knew you would get bette--"

"How about when you pulled me out and realized what they were doing to me?"

"Jimmy, no, it's not--"

"Or every time I lost control afterwards, posed a threat to you and Kato?"

"No, you have--"

"Why not, Jessie? Why the hell not when you know what they made me?"

"Stop it!" She charged at him and stopped an inch away. "Stop it right now!"

He wouldn't stop it. "Why? Didn't you say you managed to kill me inside you? Why would the outside be any different?"

Tears slid down her cheeks, but her face was filled with anger. "It's not the same thing. And I can't explain how that works because I don't understand it myself. But you need to know I would never do anything to hurt you. And before you start claiming you're not you anymore, you are! You are getting better!"

"Then why do I feel like I'm not?" His words came out drenched in pain. "Why do I feel the same? Just as unpredictable, as dangerous, as...lost?"

She took his face in her hands and pulled him down so that their noses almost touched. "You're asking too much of yourself. It's a process and some things take longer than other. Yes, maybe there's still a mess inside you, but think of all the positive things. You remembered me. You want to get your brothers out. Your skills are intact."

"You kicked my ass."

"That's only because I could sense your doubt and your hesitance. Don't be an idiot. There's no way I could overpower you."

It was getting a little hard to focus when she was so close and his feelings shifted again, from one extreme to another.

"There. That," Jessie whispered. "Hold on to that."

"Hold on to what?"

"Do you have any idea how powerful you look right now?"

He let out laugh and turned so that he pinned her between the rock wall and his body. "Do you have any idea what I'm actually feeling right now?"

She watched him, her hands still on his cheeks, and her own gaze filled with raw passion. "Really? Or am I reading you wrong?"

He leaned closer to her. "Are you?" But he couldn't do this, it was what Kato had expressly forbidden them.

"You're holding back," she said, her voice breathy.

"Isn't that what that annoying old man wants?"

There was a mild shift in her body, in her eyes, as she seemed to consider this. Then she looked up at him and the determination joining the passion made him lose it.

"The annoying old man is not here." And she wrapped her fingers around the front of his gi and pulled him down.

In a split second, the craziness inside him roared its approval, so he met her halfway. The kiss was rough and all consuming and soothed the need inside him. Jessie wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him tight making sure there was no space left between them.

He didn't mind. He needed her so much his entire body ached. Deeper and deeper he went, grasping her thighs, lifting her off the ground, letting her curl around him. The vortex inside him slowed down, allowing positive feelings to come out for once, stabilizing everything for a few seconds. In that shining moment, he felt like she could be right, that he could be himself again, only if they'd be allowed to be themselves.

"God, Hotstuff," she breathed in his ear and he couldn't believe it was real, that it wasn't just another of his memories.

His lips trailed kisses down her neck and he ran his hands through her short curls. He still loved them, loved every inch of her, every bit of skin he could touch or kiss. The little sounds she let out were breathing so much life into him.

"I've missed you so much," she whispered.

"I still miss you," he muttered into her skin. "I need you."

She lifted his face and kissed him again, so deep and with so much abandonment, it sent his mind spinning. He knew where this led, what she wanted. He still remembered exactly how and where to touch her. It was just a little harder because they were standing.

He pulled back and looked around, a frown on his face.

"What are you doing?" she panted.

"Thinking. We need to lay down."

Jessie tightened herself around him, as if she refused to detach from him. It only made him want to get out of the open more.

"Maybe the garage?" she suggested.

Nope, it was cold and smelled like gasoline, so screw Kato and his damn rules.

"I have a better idea." He kissed her again.

She didn't question him, just closed her eyes and kissed him back. He twisted and headed off towards the house. It was hard to focus when all he wanted was to get lost in her, so he missed the steps and ended up holding her up against the wall.

Jessie giggled. "Better than rock."

"Don't tease me or I'll end you."

"Big talk."

He bit her lower lip and she moaned. God, he loved it when she did that and she knew it.

Something hit him hard over the back of the head and he dropped Jessie.

"Oh, come on!" she said, the sultriness in her voice completely gone.

Jimmy stepped back, rubbing his head, all too aware of what had just happened.

"What did I tell you?" Kato raged. "Are you trying to throw all your training..." He let out a string of Japanese words which were probably a lot more effective chiding. "I said no boom boom."

"Boom boom?" Jessie asked with a snort.

"Do not laugh!" And he spoke some more in Japanese. "You are so close and I will not have you throw it all away for a moment of lust!"

Jimmy's chest hurt and he expected to fly into a rage again. He didn't. Instead it was pain at being denied something he wanted with all his heart. Something he felt he needed.

Get a hold of yourself. You're not an animal. Yes, he had needs, but he'd never had a problem with keeping it in his pants before. Why was this different?

But he could see Kato's point, even if he wanted to strangle the old man.

"Alright, alright," he said. "We're sorry."

"Go chop wood!" Kato ordered, pointing towards the shed, even if it was night.

"Yes, of course."

"Yes, Master," Jessie said as well, then, as she approached him, she whispered. "I'm not sorry."

"Stop," he said, though her words actually made him feel better.

"Just... Maybe finish your training so we can get this over with and get back home. No one can tell us what to do there." And she winked at him.

Jimmy gave her a strained smile and headed for the shed. She had no idea what she was doing to him. Kato didn't either and he had the feeling he had to figure it out if he wanted to complete his training.

Chopping wood didn't seem like such a bad alternative at the moment, at least it gave him time to think.

Because he'd realized one thing. Jessie was right. His old self was still in there. And even if he was fully aware he was not that person anymore, he also needed it. To take his former self and merge it with who he had become.

It was the only way he could win this.

🏯🏯🏯

And we're back to our rescuers. They are getting closer to figuring themselves out and finishing their training. Or at least Jessie is.

I kinda enjoy writing their heads. Jimmy has so much trauma in there. Trauma is delicious. But maybe with Kato's new outtake, it will start to work.

As a fair warning, the next three chapters are pretty big, and also the last from this part. The ending is in sight.

Vote and comment for support and see you next week with a VERY BIG chapter (both size and importance-wise).