my eyes and ears and heart
all play separately

"Y/N!" Vernon's face lit up as I reached the entrance, the signature feline smile that spread across his sharp features making it difficult to hold back. "It seems like years, and it hasn't even been two days―" he caught himself, shaking his head. "But I shouldn't talk about all of that."

I offered him a half-smile, too worn out to be able to summon anything more than that. Yet his enthusiasm didn't falter, and he took me by the wrist, pulling me to the entrance of the brightly-lit place.

"Where are we?" I wondered aloud, almost wincing as the question rose. This would have been so normal―well, as normal as things could ever get here―my frequent curiosity, his tireless answers.

But there seemed something wrong with the way it felt now, like a train gone off track, like a song played backwards. Finding out about Baekhyun hadn't been easy, especially as I'd considered him my tether, no matter how thin, to a normal life. Now, all of that was gone, along with the sliver of hope that I'd ever be able to fit in here.

Taeyong's bluntness had been bad enough.

"This is just one of the places under Hwang's management, but to be honest, we don't come here a lot." He shrugged. "Usually, it's only for information or leads."

Information, huh? I stared at the side of his face, the almost-innocent smile that seemed to be permanently fixed on his face. Had he known about it, too? Suddenly, I seemed hyperaware of him and his body, and the way it connected with mine. His fingers burned around my wrist, and his smile speared me through the heart.

The place was dark except for random, flashing lights, bright and piercing in neon colors. It was filled to the brim with people, the tops of drinks reflecting the blaring lights, and the smell.

It reminded me exactly of the bar where I'd first met Seulgi, and memories hit me like a storm―the way her kiss had tasted like drugs and expensive wine, Vernon's dangerous wink like lightning, splitting apart the sky.

"Hey, why the long face?" He asked, out of the blue, and I almost stumbled as we pulled through a crowd. "You seem kind of tired... I mean, if you haven't had enough sleep..."

"No, that's all right," I said hastily, thinking about how much more I would miss if I left this place now. And on the other hand, they would probably send me somewhere else in Taeyong's car, and even the thought of facing him after what had just happened sent shudders through me.

He looked at me over his shoulder, another smile curving his lips, softly, not as sharp and hard as his last one. "Unfortunately, though, I'll still have to leave you here with the others. I've got stuff to do―but if you're not too tired tomorrow, we could take another tour of the city."

His words were sweet and unassuming, but I couldn't help but feel pangs of conscience. Was this right, what I was doing? Wasn't I being cruel, leading him on when I was drawn towards so many people at the same time?

In spite of all of that, I did feel something towards him. But was it justified, dividing your heart into so many pieces?

I must have hesitated too long, because Vernon smiled his reassuring smile. "Don't worry about it; I know you must be exhausted as hell, after all that." He touched my face, faintly, the lights making the top of his light hair shine like a halo.

"I―yeah, I guess." I averted my eyes from his, onto the planes and angles of chest and collar under his thin t-shirt, lightly touching the back of his hand cupping my cheek. Despite the lomg sleeves, heat seemed to emanate from the inside of his forearm. "It's been―a bizzare couple of days."

He leaned in, and I tensed―but his lips brushed softly against my forehead, and I relaxed at the contact. "I'll be back. Don't worry yourself too much."

Your toys. Your Vernon.

"I'll be okay," I said, voice dropping low. Unable to look him in the eye.

I swallowed back the persistant dryness in my mouth, remembering Taeyong's earlier words. What am I doing?

He hesitated momentarily, hand resting on my cheek a second longer before he let go. I didn't look up, not once, as he turned back and slipped through the crowd.

I was alone, despite the abundance of humanity around me, and I didn't know whether I was happy about it or not. It also meant that I was alone with my thoughts, like venom climbing up the veins into my heart, and I only had a few seconds before I lost my will power.

Toys. Your toys. I understood that the rules here were different when it came to pleasures of the flesh, about what about the fickleness of the heart? I felt unclean, violated by my own thoughts, fingers twitching at my sides as I barely held myself back from scraping all my skin off there and then.

I am ruining everyone around me.

It was me who had left, too, left after so many promises and so many kisses. And now, I was doing it again—maybe I had been better off alone, oblivious to this world, oblivious to my own sins. Maybe then I could have actually lived in peace, no matter how lonely it was.

Vernon, too, was their recruiter. Safe houses. The blues. Informants, drugs, parties, bases. How many had they killed? How many would I kill?

"Feeling guilty, honey?" Once again, the devilish, ironically honey-sweet voice was at my ear, butterfly touches at my collar and neck, her sweet breath next to my face. I closed my eyes as Seulgi smirked and moved closer, nipping at my earlobe, her hands wandering and absent-minded.

I stayed silent, too afraid of what would come out of my mouth if I tried to speak. She chuckled softly, and something dropped like an anchor in the pit of my stomach, reacting to her silken voice and touch.

"I saw the look on your face, you know, when he kissed you," she whispered in my ear. "Ah, innocent little Y/N. How many have kissed you that way already?"

Her words made me flinch, and I ripped myself away from her, stalking to one side of the spacious room. Her laughter rang in my ears, sweet and poisonous, honeysuckle and vines that seemed to entrap me and pull me in no matter how much I tried to resist.

I sat down heavily on the couch, hands tracing invisible patterns on the smooth material of the seat. Undeterred, Seulgi followed me, sitting down next to me with a delighted air.

"Taehyung, hm?" She raised an eyebrow at me, tapping my knee once. "Safe house, probably, since I haven't seen him with you like that ever since, and he wouldn't have passed up an opportunity like that...who else? Jinyoung? No, not yet," she said, observing my blank expression as she spoke. "Let me guess: Byun Baekhyun."

"No," I snapped, clenching my jaw and looking away determinedly. She only smiled, laying her head against my shoulder.

"I wouldn't worry about it too much, you know," she said, licking her lips. "Once you're in, everyone interested practically belongs to you. This is your playground, honey, and you choose whom you play with. There's nothing to be regretful about."

I turned my face away, hiding the onslaught of emotions that must have crossed my expression within seconds of her consolation. Was that what it was supposed to be? I could hardly tell.

"I know it seems pathetic, being intimate with so many people at the same time, but trust me, one gets used to it." Seulgi absent-mindedly picked at a loose thread in my jeans. "Everyone here is used to it, Y/N. Loyalty is nothing to us except when you swear it."

The corner of my lips lifted in a sardonic smile, and I placed my upturned palms in my lap. "And what, pray tell, is swearing it?"

"Well, unless you've decided mutually to be committed, of course," she continued, her tone just as light and casual as a heartbeat ago. "Between two people—or more—to swear that you love, and you will never want to let go."

"That makes no sense," I breathed, worrying at my bottom lip.

"Of course not." Seulgi lifted open an eye, and looked at me. "It never will, either, until you've felt it yourself."

I closed my eyes, feeling weak, and not just because of the lack of sleep. "Does anyone here ever feel that, anyway?" I questioned, voice soft. "Even I'm afraid that I wouldn't ever want that sort of thing, not when you can have whatever you want, whenever you want it."

She smiled at me, slightly, and shifted in her position so she was resting more comfortably against me. "I won't say I know how the mind works, but there's one thing I have seen, repeatedly, in all my years of walking this tightrope." Her finger traced my collarbone. "You always, always give in to your emotions. Or you break apart trying to bear the weight."

I laughed, but it was a hollow kind of laugh, bland and humourless. "So you're saying that if I find this—this fucking around bad, I should give it up."

Her hair tickled my bare skin as she shook her head. "I'm saying that you should surrender to your desire."

Her tone held so much coviction, so much faith, that I was almost convinced by her words. Yet, the stray feeling remained, the want to rip off my skin and the mask along with it—but what if I did, and found that the mask was not a mask at all?

"Look around you," she spoke. "Look at them, the ones giving in to pleasure and sin. Morals are a human concept, Y/N. We don't truly believe in them. The sole reason for existence is survival, and to do that, you have to give up your so-called humanity." She looked at me, straight in the eyes, the weight of her gaze leaving my unable to tear away from it. "This is power. This is what you have. Revel in it. Relish it."

This is madness, I wanted to say. But the words were stuck in my lungs, in the air that I could barely breathe out. Somewhere, some part of me wanted it, wanted to let myself be swept away. Her words resonated through me as if they had struck just the right chord.

This is why you ran away, wasn't it? To regain control?

Seulgi winked at me, and lifted her head from my shoulder. She reached towards me, her fingertips shaping my jawline, the bridge of my nose, the curve of my mouth.

"If you want something," she said, her face so close that I could feel her breath on my face, "and if the one to give is willing, take it."

She leaned towards me, closing the distance between us, her lips slanting over mine and our mouths molding together. A low moan tore through the back of my throat, and as her hands found my side, I arched up against her, the shape of my body against her inseparable, indominable.

"They want you," she said between muffled, hasty kisses, "and you want them. This is your power, honey, and it is yours to own and manipulate." Another kiss, a touch of her open mouth against the end of my jaw. "I'm sure they wouldn't mind being used by someone like you."

Your toys.

Something, somewhere, there was a warning bell, there was another attempt to drag me back from the dark waters I was treading, and the addiction. But I was long gone.

Her warm, slender hands pushed my hair out of my face, kissing, touching, mixing, our breaths mingling together. "Kiss, touch, admire," she whispered, and I could taste ecstasy in her mouth when she kissed me. "Feel the rush."

And as my hands tangled in her hair, as we fought and made up, and fought again, something burned inside me, burned away the inside of me.

I want to.

I want to race.