Ironwood and Branwen – Access Denied

Luke Hobbs – James Ironwood

Decker Shaw – Qrow Branwen

Zack, Saphron and Jaune were in a separate room. Zack was sitting in on a chair while Jaune laid back in one of those chairs you saw in therapist's offices. Saphron stood to the side while shooting Jaune very concerned looks.

"Right," Zack said, clicking a pen as he looked at a clipboard. "How are you feeling Jaune?"

"I'm fine," Jaune said. "Why am I here again?"

"Because you're not acting like yourself," Saphron said. "Ever since the we began watching the last world, you started becoming more... arrogant and egotistic I suppose."

"Nonsense," Jaune said. "I'm just being myself."

"Well, there's one way to test that," Zack said. He held up a picture featuring one Artoria Pendragon. "What's the first thing that comes to mind when you see this picture?"

"Mine!" Jaune said.

"Hmm," Zack ticked something on his clipboard. He changed the picture to one of Ishtar's, the real Ishtar, not Weiss being possessed by her. "And now?"

"Bitch!" Jaune yelled.

Saphron looked very worried at Jaune's answer, neither having ever met the women in the pictures. Though the first one bore a striking resemblance to one of their sisters.

Zack merely ticked his clipboard once more. He changed the picture to that of one Emiya Shirou. "And now?"

"Faker!!!" Jaune yelled, reaching out for the picture to rip it to shreds, only for chains to appear and restrain him.

"Jaune!" Saphron said at his outburst.

"Most serious indeed," Zack said in utmost seriousness. "Well, I've figured out what's wrong with him at least."

"Please doctor, is it serious?" Saphron asked desperately. "Is there a cure for whatever this is?"

"What young Mr. Arc here has is a case of Gilgameshitis," Zack said. "It's an affliction where the victim gains an ego the size of a planet and believes themselves the king of the universe. Symptoms include increased arrogance, a very high opinion of themselves and..."

"Mongrel! Release me!" Jaune demanded.

"... a tendency to refer to everyone and anyone as a mongrel," Zack finished. "Luckily for you, I just happen to be an expert in curing such afflictions."

Zack's hand suddenly plunged into Jaune's chest, drawing a gasp from Saphron despite there being no blood. Zack's hand rummaged around before pulling something out.

"Is that... a gold card?" Saphron said as Jaune passed out.

Zack looked at the card in annoyance, knowing that there was only one person he knew that would go to the trouble to do this. "He should be fine now."

Jaune woke up suddenly. "Gah! Did you just plunge your fist into my chest? How am I not dead or have a hole in there?"

"Jaune!" Saphron hugged. "You're ok!"

"Of course I am," Jaune said in confusion. "Why wouldn't I be and why are we in a therapist's office?"

"He shouldn't remember anything from the last few minutes," Zack told her. "Other than that, he's fine. Let's get back now, shall we?"

They teleported back to the others.

"Jaune, you're back!" Pyrrha said.

"Yeah..." Jaune said. "Were we gone for long?"

"Just ten minutes at most," Ren said. "Are you feeling like yourself now?"

"That's the second person to ask me that," Jaune said. "You mean I wasn't?"

"Let's just say you were acting like a pompous arse and leave it at that," Weiss said, still sore over the various insults he threw her way.

"Oh, I'm sorry?" Jaune said.

"Let's just watch some other world," Nora said. "Ooh, didn't you mention something about giant robots?"

The military officers in the room were interested as well, wanting to see how they compared to the one they had in Argus.

"Well, yes but not now," Zack said. "Instead, what about one from the world where Ironwood and Qrow have to team up to save the world from Hazel?"

"Oh no," Ironwood and Qrow groaned.

"Oh yes!" several others grinned. Entertainment!

"Ah, the most unlike team up ever," Raven said.

"This is going to be great," Roman said.

"Oh, and Qrow's Semblance acts up a bit during this scene," Zack said, causing him to groan and his teammates to chuckle.

"What's his Semblance?" Clover asked.

"The opposite of yours," Winter said, sighing at the thought of the drunkard coming to save her.

"Should I mention that the two of you are related in this universe?" Zack said.

"WE'RE WHAT!!!" the two of them yelled.

"Related, as in brother and sister," Zack said.

Ruby and Yang hugged Weiss. "Welcome to the family!"

"What madness is this?" Whitley said.

"Well... I suppose if we clean him up, we could find something respectable there," Willow said as she assessed Qrow.

Jacques was still out of it after his impromptu stay with the Merc with the Mouth. Except in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, where he loss said mouth.

"We do not talk about that!" Deadpool yelled.

Your not part of this chapter, get out!

"Yet! Not part of it yet!" Deadpool corrected. "And geez. It's like you don't like me. I'll have you know reaction stories involving me are the best!"

And a bit overdone. Now git!

"Fine!" Deadpool sighed. "Ah well. Just me and this pink unicorn plushie I randomly picked up for company tonight then. Don't come in!"

"I feel a disturbance," Tyrian said. "As if an entire conversation just happened without us knowing."

"You're hearing things," Hazel dismissed. "So, these two are supposed to stop me?"

"That's going to be interesting," Watts said. "I thought those two could barely stand each other."

Ironwood and Qrow glared at each other. "We can't!"

Winter was currently experiencing a Blue Screen of Death moment. The drunkard is my brother... The drunkard is my brother... The drunkard is my brother...

"My oh my," Salem said. "Discord among your ranks, Ozpin"

"Like yours is any better," Ozpin shot back.

Salem looked at her minions, who took great joy in insulting each other. "Touche."

"Right," Zack said. "This is them infiltrating Hazel's secret lair to rescue a scientist captured by Hazel, who just happens to have created a device that can spread a virus worldwide in minutes and said virus just so happens to be in Winter's bloodstream and the device is the only way to extract it before it kills her and everyone on the planet. Winter already infiltrated ahead of them."

"Say what?" Junior said.

"Just watch the action," Zack said.

Ironwood and Branwen were all geared up to infiltrate the enemy's HQ, which just so happened to be located in an abandoned nuclear power plant.

"That's our ride," Branwen said.

"What a ride," Ironwood said. "I got shotgun."

"There ain't no shotgun," Branwen said.

"No, no, no," Ironwood said. "Don't start. I got shotgun."

"Already off to a great start I see," Tai said.

"Why do you get shotgun?" Qrow asked. "In fact, does out transport even have a shotgun?"

"Because I'm a general and you're just a lowly huntsman," Ironwood said. "And because I said so."

"Now that's an abuse of authority," Robyn remarked in amusement.

"I'm sure the general has his reasons," Clover said. His boss couldn't be that petty, right?

Their ride which happened to be a fighter jet flew over an abandoned nuclear power plant.

"We're entering the drop zone," the pilot told them.

"Since when does a fighter have enough space for two people in the co-pilot's seat?" Cardin asked.

"Since Hollywood deemed it so," Zack said sagely.

"Why the hell were you going on about the shotgun seat?" Qrow asked. "There ain't no shotgun on that bird!"

"It's the principle of the matter," Ironwood said.

"Wow, so you do know how to be petty," Ghira said.

"Only when Qrow's around," Glynda sighed.

"This doesn't seem like a stable team dynamic," Nicolas said.

"It's not," Ozpin sighed. The two were exact opposites of each other. The rogue operator and the rule following soldier.

"You ready?" Branwen asked as the cockpit opened up.

"Yeah, I'm ready," Ironwood replied.

"On my three!" Branwen said.

"Ok," Ironwood said.

"One!" Branwen said.

Ironwood ejected Branwen before he finished counting.

"Arghhh! You arsehole!" Branwen yelled as he was ejected.

"Tin man!" Qrow yelled as the general laughed his ass off.

"Payback for when you let me jump off a skyscraper on my own!" Ironwood said in between laughs.

"That happened?" Robyn asked.

"Oh right, you weren't there for that," Summer said. "Short version is that Hazel kidnapped Winter by entering through the windows then proceeded to run off the side of a skyscraper. The two were about to jump only for Qrow to let James do it alone while he rode the elevator down."

"Sounds like his fault for not noticing the elevator," Vernal said.

"It was pretty mundane though," Yang said.

"Not everyone is crazy enough to think jumping off from several stories with your only hope for survival being to grab one of the mooks who have a cable attached to their backs before you hit the ground," Blake said.

"Does that make General Ironwood crazy?" Ruby asked.

"Yes, yes it does," Sienna said.

"I'm going to die painfully, aren't I?" Winter said, not confident at all that those two would pull this off.

"You'll be surprised," Zack said.

"Whoo!" Ironwood said and ejected himself. The two of them freefell to the nuclear power plant. "Nobody tells me what to do!" Ironwood said, echoing Branwen's words from before.

The two fell through the opening of a cooling tower before deploying their parachutes.

A mook was knocked-out as the two infiltrated the facility. Opening a grill on the ground, the two lifted their visors and jumped in.

Ironwood and Branwen entered a room cautiously with two reinforced metal doors with guns raised. Once they were sure they were alone, they proceeded to get out of the suits. Ironwood placed a circular device on a box, which counted down from 45 minutes after he pressed it.

"I'm telling you we ain't gonna want to be here when this thing goes off," Ironwood said.

"Ooh, explosives!" Nora said.

"How powerful is that explosive?" Ren asked in worry. Worried that Nora would do her utmost best to have said explosive on her Oummas (Christmas) list. Or resort to extra legal means to acquire it herself.

"On its own? About as powerful as any bomb that size," Zack said. "On a gas line? Yeah, I don't need to tell you what'll happen once the timer hits zero."

"Kaboom?" Nora asked hopefully.

"Yes Nora," Jaune sighed. "Kaboom."

"This reminds me of that group of penguin faunus who said the same thing," Blake said. "Where was this again?"

"Last year at one of the SDC's dust refining facilities," Ilia said. "We never did see them again."

"I didn't know we had penguin faunus among our ranks," Sienna said.

"We don't," Adam said in confusion. He remembered that attack, Blake and Ilia went in together to sabotage it. The explosion was spectacular. But what group of penguin faunus?

He synched his watch to the bombs as Branwen checked his own.

"Looks like she's less than 400 yards through there," Branwen said, nodding his head towards the two doors. "It's not the Holderness or I'm some sort of bagel."

"Timers set for 45 minutes," Ironwood said. "We get in, then get out."

"We'll blow this death face to pieces," Branwen said. "Remember the hallway. No guns."

"Right, those guys have to be alive," Ironwood said. "Because at the end of the hallway the retinal scanner needs a match to open the door. Pick a door."

Branwen pointed to the door on his right. "All right then."

"Nope," Ironwood said. "That's my door."

"What's the matter with you?" Branwen said. A door was a door.

Branwen placed a gadget on the door, which immediately showed the heat signatures of multiple people through that door.

"Wow, that is bad luck," Clover said.

"You just had to pick the harder one," Oobleck said.

Qrow groaned. "Ah well, not like these mooks are all that tough."

"Yes, show these miscreants why siding against the law is a bad idea," Port said.

"Should I mention that only one of those mooks has the credentials for that retinal scanner?" Zack said in amusement.

'He's going to have to try using every one of them, isn't he?' Neo typed.

Raven snickered. "This shall be greatly entertaining."

"Man, that's annoying," Neptune said.

"Poor Qrow," Summer giggled.

"Alas, for his luck is terrible," Amber said.

Ironwood smirked. His vengeance continued. That'll show him for letting him jump off a skyscraper without mentioning that there was an elevator there.

"I made a mistake," Branwen said. "This is your door."

"Oh no," Ironwood said. "No backsies. What's the matter? You got a lot of bad guys behind that door?"

"Watch this," Branwen said cockily. "You might learn something."

Ironwood threw his gadget away as they both opened their doors.

The bad guys in Branwen's hallway all immediately turn to look at him.

Ironwood walked into his hallway, where a vehicle was being worked on by only one man. The man immediately slid out from underneath the car, grabbing a wrench.

"Just one guy?" Roman said, unimpressed.

"Well, he does seem quite big," Kali said.

"I'll finish him off in one punch," Ironwood boasted.

"That does seem possible," Penny said. "The general's arm strength is quite considerable."

"What'd he do? Bench press a tank with his real arm?" Oscar asked.

"I'm not that strong," Ironwood said. "Maybe with my prosthetic..."

"Now there's a workout strategy," Yang said. "But where am I going to get a tank?"

"Why not use a car instead?" Weiss suggested. "It's a lot easier to find than a tank."

"We have a gym with the best equipment available," Glynda said, unamused. "Use it."

The bad guys in Branwen's hallway immediately start coming after him. Branwen easily deals with the first four who come after him.

"Whoo! Go get them Uncle Qrow!" Ruby cheered.

"Hah! I'll show these grunts what happens when I show up for the party!" Qrow said.

"You mean aside from drinking large amounts of alcohol?" Summer said.

"He's fast!" Whitley said.

"Well, he is quite good at hand to hand," Winter reluctantly admitted.

The mechanic stood up, wrench in hand as he went to confront Ironwood. Ironwood had to look up as the man dwarfed him by a head.

The giant tossed the wrench from hand to hand as he prepared to beat Ironwood up.

Branwen was still busy dealing will all his mooks, not breaking a sweat as he tossed them about the crowded hallway.

Ironwood punched the giant in the face. The giant stumbled back as he collapsed to the ground, Ironwood having delivered a one-hit KO.

"That was disappointing," Hazel said.

"See, size doesn't matter," Ironwood said. "It's how you use it."

"There are so many things that sentence could allude to," Melanie said.

"Think he's talking about his... prowess?" Miltia said.

"He's married to his job," Sienna said. "I doubt he's ever dated anyone in years."

"It's true," Ozpin confirmed. "He's been single for ten years straight aside from some attempts at flirting with Glynda."

"Ozpin!" Ironwood said.

He winked at Branwen through the window in the hallways.

Branwen replied with a 'watch this' gesture, then went back to beating up grunts. Ironwood merely laughed at his bad luck for picking the harder hallway.

Branwen jumped off a wall and threw down a thug, grabbing his Kevlar vest in the process.

One of them was armed with a pistol and began shooting at Branwen, who used the acquired vest as a shield. Reaching the gun men, Branwen disarmed him and threw him to the wall as Ironwood slowly dragged the knocked-out giant through the hallway.

Branwen slammed another thug face first into the window. Ironwood merely yawned, telling him to get on with it.

"Oh, I'll show you," Qrow muttered.

"Where did he get his training?" Mercury asked.

"Beacon," Zack said. "Except Beacon instead of being a school is the headquarters for the Vale Secret Service."

"He's a spy!" Willow said.

"Was," Zack said. "A mission gone bad forced him to go rogue. He's been a lone wolf ever since."

"Still, Beacon as a spy HQ?" Velvet said.

"Well, considering all the secrets it hides, wouldn't surprise me," Amber said.

"That'll be cool," Coco said. "Think of the suits."

The students nodded. The suits and gadgets were the best part of spy movies.

Branwen grabbed the man's extendable baton, extending it then using it with great skill to take out a man coming for him, then finishing the thug he got it from. He elbowed the other man, knocking the wind out of him and slammed the two of them into the window.

Ironwood made a 'so-so' gesture as Branwen ducked under a wild swing from another thug.

Branwen threw the two thugs into the window for good measure, adjusting his collar before grabbing the out-stretched fist of the thug who swung at him, twisting his arm around his waist and taking his extendable zip tie. Branwen tied it around the thug's arm, slammed him into the window and wiped it with his face.

A thug he took down earlier got back up and tried to punch him. Branwen moved out of the way, making him punch his comrade. Branwen hit him with a quick uppercut and shoved his head around the other's arm, tying the zip tie around his head.

Branwen took another zip tie and tied it to the hand of the thug with his head stuck. He casually redirected the kick from another thug, making his hit his comrade with a taser rod. Branwen took the taser and used it on its former owner.

"That's some human pretzel," Sun said.

"Oh, that's going to be annoying later," Oscar said.

"Untying them is going to be a bitch," Roman said.

"Hee hee, their faces when they were electrocuted," Emerald said.

"It was hilarious," Fox agreed.

Ironwood watched Branwen fight, grudgingly impressed as he dragged his lone thug towards the end of the hallway.

Branwen swiftly knocked out two thugs using the taser as a club, shocking another with it before knocking it out, then elbowing the last one as he tried to attack Branwen from behind.

Behind grabbed the last thug by the shirt before he fell, dragging him towards the retinal scanner.

Ironwood slammed the head of his thug into the retinal scanner.

"ENTRY CORRESPONDING MATCH."

Branwen did the same with his thug.

"ACCESS DENIED."

He tried again.

"ACCESS DENIED."

Ironwood looked on in disbelief at his bad luck.

"ACCESS DENIED."

Branwen dropped the useless thug, looking at the pile of bodies in the hallway.

"Come on, we're on the clock here," Ironwood said.

"Oh, so it's my fault that I got stuck with the hallway full of mooks while you only had one," Qrow said.

"Yes, for it is your luck that's causing this," Ironwood said.

"I wonder if our luck cancels each other out?" Clover wondered.

"If it does, that'll be a godsend," Qrow said. Finally, he could enjoy life without probability working against him. What were the odds that the floor in an old abandoned warehouse would break as soon as he stepped foot on it, dumping him into a meth lab being used by a drug cartel?

For normal people, very low. For Qrow Branwen? That was a Tuesday.

"Glad he's not on our side," Mercury said.

"Being his enemy isn't any more enjoyable either," Emerald reminded him.

"Yeah, but at least we'll only suffer from bad luck when we fight him," Mercury said. "Imagine having to deal with it while going about your life?"

"That would be most irritating," Cinder said.

He made a 'wait a moment' gesture to Ironwood. Ironwood leaned against the wall as Branwen went to grab another knocked-out thug.

"ACCESS DENIED."

"Next," Sienna said.

And another one.

"ACCESS DENIED."

"Next," Kali said.

Ironwood checked his gun as he waited.

"ACCESS DENIED."

"ACCESS DENIED."

"ACCESS DENIED."

Ironwood was doing some push ups as he waited.

"This is going to take a while," Whitley said.

"I might actually grow old at the rate this is going," Salem said.

"Now that's just exaggerating," Ozpin said. "Though James at least is doing something productive while he waits."

"I thing I might finish a full set before Qrow finds the right one," Ironwood said.

"ACCESS DENIED."

Ironwood tapped his wristwatch, reminding Branwen that they were on a time limit.

Branwen angrily gestured him to change places with him. Branwen grabbed another thug, the last one there.

"ACCESS GRANTED."

Branwen sighed as Ironwood mockingly clapped him.

"That was the last one there too," Pyrrha said.

"I bet the bad guys are already waiting for them," Nora said.

"With how long they took, wouldn't surprise me," Jaune said.

"Yes, I believe the element of surprise has long since been lost," Ren said.

Qrow grumbled. Stupid bad guys and their stupid retinal scanner. Why couldn't they just give all of their mooks access?

"How many guns do you think is going to be on the other side of that door?" Vernal said.

"A dramatic amount," Adam answered. "It's what I would do."

"DOORS OPENING."

The two prepared as the doors opened. The two exited the hallway only to find an entire army waiting for them.

"Very good," Hazel said, clapping. "Well done boys. I'm impressed that you even got in here."

Two soldiers behind them knocked them out with the butts of their rifles.

"For the record, I blame you Qrow," Ironwood said.

Raven snickered. "All that only to get knocked out as soon as you get in."

"This seems like a remarkably effective security system," Junior said. "Remind me to do something similar for out place."

"Oh boy," Yang said. She could already imagine doing the same thing her uncle did, slamming face after face against the scanner as she tried to find the right mook with the credentials.

Meh, she'd just go through the wall if it ever came to that.

"Something tells me that'll be a waste of money boss," Melanie said.

"Yes," Miltia said. "The violent one appears to be imagining just punching through the walls to get in."

"Steel walls as well..." Junior mumbled.

"Shall we proceed to the mandatory bad guy interrogation of the hero?" Zack said.

"I shall show you the utmost hospitality as befitting your status as my guests," Hazel said.

"So long as it doesn't involve rubber chickens," Qrow muttered. That was an interesting mission.

"Why is this the first time I'm hearing of this?" Tai said, very interested in the mission Qrow was muttering about.

Winter sighed. "It's going to be up to me to save their sorry asses, isn't it?"

"It's a curse we women have to suffer I'm afraid," Glynda said sympathetically.

"Right, onto the interrogation!" Zack said.

"You don't have to sound so enthusiastic about it," Ironwood muttered.