Monty Python – The Killer Joke

"Wait, you mean that!" Jaune yelled, very worried. "Ah hell. If there was any a time to take a sabbatical, it's now."

Jaune opened a golden portal and stepped through it, closing it after he left.

"What's his deal?" Saphron asked.

"Probably decided to do a Scrooge McDuck and start swimming in gold," Nora said. "He'd do it too, no matter how uncomfortable it is to swim in an ocean of gold coins."

"No, why did he leave?" Pyrrha asked.

"His clairvoyance would have got him killed in this instance," Zack said.

"KILLED!?"

"As I said, this joke is a killer," Zack said.

"Not literally, right?" Whitley asked nervously.

Zack didn't answer, not reassuring anyone there.

Tai Yang was shown at a desk, smoking as he worked on something.

"This man is Tai Yang Xiao Long, manufacturer of jokes," the narrator said. "In a few months, he would think of the funniest joke in the world. And as a result, he will die laughing."

"What? Tai, no!!!" Summer yelled.

"Him? Funny?" Qrow asked, the words in the same sentence not computing unless the word 'not' was added.

"Hey!" Tai said.

"Are we sure we're talking about the same person?" Raven asked.

Tai pouted. "So mean..."

"How do you die laughing?" Tyrian asked. "It sounds surprisingly painful."

"Well, there are chemicals that can cause that," Watts said.

"Give me!" Tyrian yelled.

"If we all die by his insanity, I will haunt you for eternity," Cinder said to Watts.

Tai had a stroke of inspiration and began writing. Putting down his pencil, he took a look at his work and began laughing out of control.

He laughed so hard, he knocked things over when he stood up, eventually collapsing on his bed, the paper the Joke was written on still in his hand, dead.

"Holy shit!" Sun yelled.

"It's legit!?" Neptune yelled.

"DAD!" Yang and Ruby cried.

"What did he write?" Coco asked, horrified.

"Guess we know why the god king left," Amber said.

"Well, with his clairvoyance, he would have seen the joke and died laughing, just like poor Tai," Zack said.

"He would just walk out of the underworld again," Weiss said.

"I can live with this," Tai said.

"Why?" Oobleck asked.

"I died, but my legacy as a comedian is immortalized," Tai said.

"I wonder if we can weaponize that joke?" Ironwood wondered.

"Joke warfare should be banned!" Blake yelled.

"Amen!"

"It was obvious, the Joke was lethal. No one could read it and live. Tai Yang's wife, alarmed by the unusual sounds emitted, entered the room and found what was apparently, a suicide note."

Raven entered the room, was devastated when she found Tai Yang's corpse. She took the paper and read it, thinking it was his last words.

Reading, she lost her shocked look and started laughing, eventually joining her husband on the bed, dead.

"I died," Raven said, surprisingly calm.

"Why are you not freaking out?" Vernal asked.

"I'm still processing the awesome power of Tai's Joke," Raven said.

"I think I need to lock it in somewhere even more secure than the Relic Vaults," Ozpin said.

"I must have it," Salem said.

"I don't believe this nonsense," Jacques said dismissively.

"On your head then," Willow said.

"I wonder if it affects machines?" Penny said.

Footage of war propaganda played, featuring several soldiers and members of the Vale government, including His Majesty the King of Vale and Sir Winston Churchill.

"Yes, the war against the Hun continues. And as Vale brave boys battle against the boche, their leaders are on the lookout for new breakthroughs that could provide the ultimate weapon in the war against the Hun."

"So they are going to weaponize it," Winter said.

"No surprise here," Clover said. "I'm just upset that it's going to be used against Mantlese soldiers."

"Hey, you guys declared war on us," Yang reminded him.

"Pretty sure it was border disputes that kicked it all off," Roman said.

"It's more believable than a duke getting assassinated because his driver took a wrong turn and an extremist wanted a sandwich," Zack said.

"Tests on soldiers confirm the Joke's effectiveness at a range of up to 50 yards."

Two officers, Port and Oobleck, watched a rifleman, Cardin, from inside a pillbox. Russel was on top of the pillbox with a flag.

50 yards in front of Cardin, Sky Lark and Dove guarded a large board with a black cloth covering it.

"We're soldiers?" CRDL said.

"Probably the lowest of the low," Adam said.

"Hey!"

"Too dumb to trust on the frontlines," Ilia said.

"That's hurtful!"

"Well, lab rats is as good a use for them as anything," Sienna said.

"Ah shit," Cardin said. "I'm doomed, aren't I?"

"At least you'll die reading the most lethal joke in the world," Ren said.

The two turned to face the pillbox, Russel waving the flag signalling to begin the test and avert his eyes.

Sky Lark and Dove uncovered the board, Cardin squinting a bit as he read the Joke.

Taking a moment to comprehend the Joke, Cardin started snickering then fell over, dead.

"Fantastic," Oobleck said.

"Alas, poor Cardin," Velvet said.

"At least he died for a good cause," Nora said.

"Why couldn't they get someone else to read that stupid joke!" Cardin yelled.

"Cause there wasn't anyone else dumb enough to volunteer," Zack said.

"I still don't believe this," Jacques said.

"You speak Mantleses, right?" Zack asked.

"Yes, what of it?" Jacques asked, irritated.

"Anyone else here speaks it?" Zack asked.

Several hands went up.

"Right, ear plugs for everyone," Zack said, making ear plugs appear for those who could understand Mantlese.

Except Jacques, cause fuck him.

Ozpin walked toward the camera. "All through the winter of '43, we had translators working in joke-proof conditions, try to manufacture a Mantlese version of the Joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words by mistake and had to spend several weeks in hospital, but apart from that things went ahead pretty fast and by January we had the Joke in a form which out troops couldn't understand but which the Mantlese could."

"So that's why you got us ear plugs," Winter said.

"Ha! You actually believe this?" Jacques asked.

Willow was already dreaming of what she could do once Jacques was out of the picture. She could do those things rich widows did. Throw parties, invite handsome young men into her bed, go on vacation in exotic locations, the works.

"You've brought this onto yourself," Nicolas said, shaking his head.

"So, even reading a part of it is deadly," Ozpin said.

"This is ridiculous," Glynda sighed. "But since we're watching it happen, I can't deny it's power."

"So, on July 8th, 1944 the Joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes."

Glynda and Team CFVY were in a trench as they were being shot at by Mantle's soldier's with guns and artillery.

"Squad, tell the... Joke!" Glynda ordered.

They all took out their copy of the Joke and started shouting it at the enemy in Mantlese.

The Mantlese soldiers stopped shooting and repeated the Joke among themselves. Then, the laughter started as enemy soldiers threw aside their weapons and laughed till they dropped dead outside of their trenches.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA...ack!"

"Jacques died!" Robyn said, shocked.

"Party all night long!" Adam announced.

"I'll bring the drinks!" Sienna said.

"Drinks?" Qrow asked.

"Oum, this should be a war crime," Port said.

"It probably will be," Oobleck said.

"So, should we be concerned with it being used against us?" Hazel asked.

"I wonder if it can kill me?" Salem said. "Permanently."

"We can test that later," Zack said.

"In action, it was deadly."

Glynda and Team CFVY ignored the bullets and artillery fired their way as they ran towards the enemy, yelling the Joke as they did so.

More and more enemy soldiers died laughing after hearing the Joke.

"They should put loudspeakers on tanks and just drive across the battlefield," Sun said.

"They should have spies play that on their national radio," Neptune suggested.

"That'll kill everyone," Ironwood said, horrified and fascinated.

"Joke warfare is no joke," Tai said.

Everyone groaned at that.

"Save the jokes for other people, dear," Summer said.

"You jokes are either cringe worthy or lethal," Raven said.

"Everyone's a critic," Tai sulked.

"Mantle casualties were abhorrent."

In a Mantle medical camp, soldiers who had only heard part of the Joke were still laughing uncontrollably even as doctors with their ears stuffed tried to treat them.

"Those poor souls only heard part of the Joke," Zack said solemnly.

"Even hearing parts of it can do that?" Oscar asked.

"Oh yes," Zack said. "The Joke is so deadly that even hearing a word when it's said will cause catatonic laughter."

"I must have it!" Tyrian said.

"Too bad all copies of the Joke were destroyed after the war ended and joke warfare was banned under the Vytal Convention," Zack said.

"It was a fantastic success, over 80,000 times more powerful than Vale's Great Pre-War Joke, which was used at Argus, and one which Ironwood couldn't match."

Old footage of Roman waving a piece of paper in the air.

Footage of Ironwood telling a Joke to his men in Mantlese. "My dog's got no nose."

"How does it smell?" his men asked.

"Awful," Ironwood replied.

"And I thought Tai was bad," Qrow said.

"Sir, I'll be honest with you," Clover said. "Your joke sucked so bad that the drill sergeant wants to kick your ass for it."

"That hurts, that really does," Ironwood said.

"Wait, why did it show me when talking about Vale's pre-war joke?" Roman asked.

"Because you were," Zack said.

"Ha!" Junior laughed, not to his death, fortunately for him.

Jaune casually walked out of a portal, holding a secure case in his hand.

"The Original Joke," Jaune said, handling it to Zack.

"Well, time to see if this can kill you," Zack said, leading Salem away.

"Think it'll work?" Glynda whispered to Ozpin.

"Who knows," Ozpin said.

"HAHAHAHAHA... ack!"

"Hey, I think it worked!" Zack yelled.

"No! Mistress!" Tyrian cried.

"Oh wait, never mind," Zack yelled. "She got back up."

They walked back to everyone, Salem still having the most disturbing grin on her face.

"So, what now?" Robyn asked.

"Back to everyone's favourite suit wearing assassin," Zack said.