1

See, Joe, that's why your parents

told you not to jump on the bed!

2

The One With the Jam

3

Hey, look at me!

I'm making jam!

4

- I've been at it since 4 a.m.

- Where'd you get fruit at 4 a.m.?

5

Went down to the docks. Betcha

didn't know you can get it wholesale.

6

I didn't know there were docks.

7

- Hey.

- Hey.

8

Is it broken?

9

No, but I gotta wear this

for a couple weeks.

10

Did you tell the doctor you did it

jumping up and down on your bed?

11

No. I had a whole story

worked out, but then...

12

...Chandler sold me out.

13

I'm sorry, Joe. I didn't think

the doctor was gonna buy...

14

...that it just fell out of the socket.

15

What is this? Fruit?

16

Monica's making jam.

17

Oh, jam? I love jam! Hey, how come

we never have jam at our place?

18

Because the kids need new shoes.

19

I'm going into business. I'm sick and

tired of being depressed about Richard.

20

I needed a plan.

A plan to get over my man.

21

What's the opposite of man? Jam!

22

Oh, Joey, don't! It's way too hot!

23

This'll just be my batch.

24

That's it. No.

25

Hey, you, J. Crew guy...

26

Why have you been following me?

27

All week long,

everywhere I look, there's you.

28

You wouldn't return my calls.

29

- You sent back my letters.

- What?

30

One more chance, Ursula. Please.

31

Oh, well, this is awkward.

32

Yeah, because you want Ursula,

and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters.

33

Seriously.

34

That's great.

I'm stalking the wrong woman.

35

I am such a dingus!

36

Oh, you're not a dingus.

37

I just want you to know

I didn't used to be like this.

38

Before I met your sister,

I was like this normal guy...

39

...who sold beepers

and cellular phones.

40

I mean, look,

it's not your fault, you know.

41

I mean, this is just what she

does to guys, okay? So just...

42

Well, thanks.

43

Wait. You know what?

I got a little story.

44

When I was in junior high, I went through

a period where I thought I was a witch.

45

And there was this guidance

counselor who...

46

...said something that

I think will help you a lot.

47

He said, "Okay, you're not a witch.

You're just an average student."

48

- See what I'm saying?

- Not really.

49

Well, get over it.

50

So... I mean, you just, you seem like

a really nice guy. You know, and just...

51

Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?

52

You're right. I know you're right.

And thanks for being so nice.

53

Here.

54

Thanks a lot.

55

Do you want to get a cup of coffee?

56

- Yeah, okay.

- Okay.

57

You don't have

to walk behind me anymore.

58

- Mon?

- Mon?

59

"Gone for more jars. Back later.

Monica Geller."

60

- Wait a minute. Look!

- What?

61

- Look. Look. Look.

- What? What? What?

62

It's an empty apartment.

63

We're all alone

in an empty apartment.

64

Oh, honey, come on. I have

to be at work in, like, ten minutes.

65

All right. Well, it's not like

I'm employee of the year or anything.

66

There it is!

67

Oh, that's what you're talking about.

68

- Hey.

- Hey.

69

Do I look fat?

70

- No.

- No.

71

Okay. I accept that.

72

When Janice asked me and I said no,

she took that to mean...

73

...that I was calling her a cow.

74

Okay. Walk us through it, honey.

Walk us through it.

75

Okay, well, Janice said, "Hi. Do I look

fat today?" And I looked at her...

76

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You looked at her?

77

You never look.

78

You just answer. It's like a reflex.

"Do I look fat?" "No."

79

"Is she prettier than I am?"

"No."

80

- Does size matter?

- No!

81

And it works both ways.

82

Okay, so you both

just know this stuff?

83

You know, after about 30 or 40 fights,

you kind of catch on.

84

Okay. For instance:

85

Let's say, Janice is coming back from

a trip and she gives you two options.

86

Option number one: She'll take

a cab home from the airport.

87

Or option two: You can meet her

at baggage claim. What do you do?

88

- That's easy. Baggage claim.

- Wrong! Now you're single.

89

It's actually secret

option number three.

90

You meet her at the gate.

That way she knows you love her.

91

Okay, this is good.

92

All right, listen. I have one.

Janice likes to cuddle...

93

...at night,

which I'm all for.

94

But when you want to go to sleep,

you want some space.

95

So how do I tell her that without...

96

...you know, accidentally

calling her fat or something?

97

Oh, honey. I'm sorry. We can't help you

there, because we're cuddly sleepers.

98

Okay. I'm late for work. All right.

Are you guys going to come down?

99

- Yeah. I'm right behind you.

- Okay. Good luck, Chandler.

100

- Thank you.

- Bye, sweetie.

101

Bye, honey.

102

Okay, the sleeping thing.

103

Very tricky business,

but there is something you can do.

104

- I thought you were "cuddly sleepers."

- No.

105

No. Not cuddly.

Not me. Just her.

106

I'm like you.

I need the room.

107

Okay, come here.

108

- Okay. You're in bed.

- Yeah.

109

- I'm gonna use the cushion.

- Yeah.

110

Okay. You're in bed.

She's over on your side, cuddling.

111

Now, you wait for her to drift off...

112

...and then you hug her...

113

...and roll her over

to her side of the bed.

114

And then you...

115

...roll away.

116

Hug for her.

117

Roll for you.

118

Okay. The old "hug and roll."

119

- Okay. One question.

- Shoot.

120

You're pretending

the pillow's a girl, right?

121

Remember when you were a kid and your

mom would drop you off at the movies...

122

...with a jar of jam

and a little spoon?

123

You're so pretty.

124

- Hi!

- Hey, Phoebe!

125

Hey, you know that guy who's been

following me? I talked to him today.

126

You talked to him?

127

Are you crazy?

128

Okay. First, I'm not crazy.

And second, say it, don't spray it.

129

Anyway, his name is Malcolm,

and he wasn't following me.

130

I mean, he was, but just

because he thought I was Ursula.

131

That's why he couldn't just

come up and talk to me.

132

Because of the restraining order.

133

Not feeling better about Malcolm.

134

No, no, no. He's not a kook.

135

He's just this, like, very passionate,

incredibly romantic guy...

136

...that just got, like, a teensy bit

carried away, you know.

137

And we just get along really well,

and he is so cute.

138

Oh, my God! You've got a crush

on your sister's stalker.

139

I'm just going to help him.

You know. Get de-Ursula-ized.

140

Like, you know. Like I did for Joey

after he went out with her.

141

I didn't stalk her, I mean...

142

- I asked for the news, not the weather.

- Sorry.

143

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Mon.

144

Joey, this is for you.

It's blackberry currant.

145

Joe, I got to ask.

146

The girl from the Xerox place,

buck naked...

147

...or a big tub of jam?

148

Put your hands together.

149

Joey, take your time with that.

That's my last batch.

150

No more jam?

151

Well, what happened

to your jam plan?

152

I figured out I'd need to charge

17 bucks a jar just to break even.

153

So I've got a new plan now.

Babies.

154

Well, you're gonna

need much bigger jars.

155

- What are you talking about?

- I'm talking about me having a baby.

156

- Are you serious?

- Yeah.

157

The great thing about the jam plan

was I was taking control of my life.

158

So I asked myself, "What is the most

important thing to me in the world?"

159

And that's when I came up

with the baby plan.

160

Aren't you forgetting something?

161

What is that guy's name?

Dad!

162

It took me 28 years to find one man

that I wanted to spend my life with.

163

If I have to wait another 28 years,

then I'll be 56 before I can have a baby.

164

And that's just stupid.

165

That's what's stupid?

166

I don't need an actual man.

Just a couple of his best swimmers.

167

And there are places that

you can go to get that stuff.

168

Down to the docks again?

169

Night-night, Bing-a-ling.

170

Night-night...

171

...Janice.

172

Look at all that room on her side!

173

You could fit a giant

penguin over there.

174

That'd be weird, though.

175

Hug and roll time.

176

I'm hugging. I'm hugging.

177

You're rolling, and...

178

Yes! Freedom!

179

Except for this arm!

180

I'm stuck. Stuck arm.

181

Okay. Time for the old tablecloth

trick. One fluid motion.

182

Quick like a cat. Quick like a cat.

183

And one, two...

184

...three!

185

Here's my binoculars.

186

Great. You're doing great, you know.

Real strong. Going strong. Keep going.

187

These are my night-vision goggles.

188

This is the book I pretend to read

when I'm watching her in the park.

189

And these are Mad Libs.

They're just for fun.

190

What's this?

191

This is the log I kept,

recording her every movement.

192

You want to hear something from it?

193

Not even a little bit.

194

It's about you.

195

Oh. Okay, then.

196

"I met Phoebe today.

197

She was really nice to me

even though I'm such a loser.

198

And when I was walking home,

I thought about her a lot.

199

It was weird, but kind of cool."

200

Good.

201

So, what were you thinking?

202

I was thinking what

it'd be like to kiss you.

203

- Really?

- No.

204

See, that's just something I said now

so that maybe I could kiss you.

205

Oh, okay.

206

No, it's all right.

I just had a jar of mustard.

207

Okay. Sperm donor number 03815,

come on down!

208

Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds.

209

And he describes himself

as a male Geena Davis.

210

You mean there's

more than one of us?

211

You can't do this, Mon.

All right. If you do this, I'm gonna...

212

- You're gonna what?

- I'm gonna tell Mom.

213

Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right.

I love you, but you're crazy.

214

Why? Why is this crazy?

215

- So this isn't the ideal way...

- Oh, it's not the ideal...?

216

Lips moving. Still talking.

217

It may not be ideal, but...

218

...I'm so ready.

219

I see the way

Ben looks at you.

220

It makes me ache, you know?

221

Check it out! Jam crackers!

222

Okay. All right, how's this?

223

Twenty-seven, Italian-American guy.

224

He's an actor.

225

Born in Queens.

226

Wow! Big family.

Seven sisters...

227

...and he's the only boy.

228

Oh, my God! Under personal comments:

"New York Knicks rule."

229

Yeah, the Knicks rule!

230

Joey, this is you!

231

Let me see.

232

Oh, right.

233

When did you go to a sperm bank?

234

Oh, right after I did

that sex study down at NYU.

235

Hey, remember that sweater

I gave you for your birthday?

236

And that's how you bought it?

237

No. That's what I was wearing

when I donated.

238

I'm kind of surprised there's

any of my boys left.

239

Honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean,

I've got an actual rocket scientist here.

240

Maybe I should call this place

and get them...

241

...to put my Days of our Lives

gig on here.

242

Juice this puppy up a little.

243

- Hey.

- Hey!

244

How's the maniac?

245

He's yummy.

We did a little kissing.

246

- Phoebe, what are you doing?

- Oh, no.

247

No. No. You know what? He's not into

that stuff anymore. He quit for me.

248

This guy has been obsessed with your

sister for God knows how long, okay.

249

You don't just give up

something like that.

250

So look, he gave me his night-vision

goggles and everything. So...

251

You're taking the word of a guy

who has night-vision goggles?

252

What? He's not still following her.

You think he's still following her?

253

Pheebs. Wake up and smell

the restraining order.

254

What are you saying I should do?

255

I think that if you really like this

guy, you should just trust him.

256

Thank you, Monica.

257

Or you could follow him

and see where he goes.

258

Oh, that's what I would do.

Forget mine.

259

Oh, my God! What happened?

260

Oh, God. Crazy Chandler.

He spun me off the bed.

261

Wow! Spinning.

That sounds like fun.

262

I wish.

263

No. You know, he was just

trying Ross' "hug and roll" thing.

264

Ross' what?

265

You know. Like where he hugs you

and then kind of rolls you away, and...

266

Oh...

267

...my...

268

...God!

269

- Phoebe?

- Yes? Yes!

270

What are you doing?

271

Oh, I was just here

looking for my...

272

Part of an old sandwich.

Here it is!

273

Were you following me?

274

Perhaps.

275

Yes. Yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

276

I was just afraid that you

were still hung up on my sister.

277

So you spied on me.

278

I can't believe

you don't trust me.

279

Oh, well, what do you know?

There goes my identical twin sister!

280

Just walking along, looking like me.

281

Well, is this like a freakish coincidence,

or did you know that she takes this train?

282

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I tried to stop, but I couldn't.

283

I'm so pathetic.

284

No. No, it's not your fault.

You know, it's partly my fault.

285

It's 'cause I made

you quit cold turkey.

286

Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you

anymore because you're, you know...

287

Wow!

288

But I will definitely, definitely

help you get over my sister. Okay?

289

Stalk me for a while, huh?

290

Yeah, and I'll be like an Ursula patch.

291

- I don't know.

- Yeah! Just...

292

Okay. Look, I'm going!

293

Come on.

294

I'm behind the pillar.

Which way am I gonna go?

295

- Hey.

- Hey.

296

- Where you going?

- To the bank.

297

Sperm or regular?

298

Sperm.

299

- So you're really doing it, huh?

- Oh, yeah. I picked a guy. 37135.

300

Sounds nice.

301

I'd say so. He's got

brown hair and green eyes.

302

No kidding?

303

- What?

- I figured you would have picked a blond.

304

- Really? Why?

- I don't know.

305

I always pictured you ending up with a

tall, smart, blond guy with a name like...

306

...Hoyt.

307

Hoyt?

308

It's a name. Yeah.

309

I saw you in this, you know,

this great house with a big pool.

310

Yeah? Is he a swimmer?

311

He's got the body for it.

312

I like that.

313

What?

314

You have one of those signs that says:

315

"We don't swim in your toilet,

so don't pee in our pool." You know.

316

- We do not have one of those signs.

- Sure, you do. It was a gift from me.

317

Oh! And you have these three great kids.

318

- Two girls and a boy?

- Yeah!

319

And they wear those little water wings,

you know...

320

...and they're running around

on the deck.

321

And then Hoyt wraps this big towel

around all three of them.

322

Sure.

323

But, hey, you know,

this way sounds good too.

324

Yeah.

325

Oh, Monica.

326

Wow! This guy's an astronaut?

327

That would have been cool...

328

...for like a day.

329

She'll be back at 5.

330

Five!

331

I called the sperm bank today.

332

They haven't sold a single unit

of Tribbiani.

333

Nobody wants my product.

334

I mean, I don't get it, you know.

335

I mean...

336

Maybe if they met me in person.

337

Honey, you got a little thing on your...

338

Get it?

339

Yeah.

340

Hello.

341

Hello.

342

Okay.

343

Chan, can I talk to you

for a second?

344

Sure. What's up?

345

Just one additional

relationship thought.

346

Something you're probably

already familiar with.

347

Women talk.