But it's not allowed.

He knew it wasn't allowed. He knew it couldn't happen. But it was. He did like toms. A wave of fury rose within him like the ocean slamming against the quaint shore of a pleasant beach. How come it had to be him? How come he liked toms? His tail flicked harshly and the tears that had been pricking at the edges of his vision vanished instantly.

The tom rose to his paws brusquely, looking around with a fiercely bright dark gray gaze. He was angry, at himself and at anything that had caused it to happen. His blood was boiling furiously as if someone had stuck him into a fire. His ears pinned to his skull as he swept his gaze around. He didn't want to be anywhere, but he certainly didn't want to be curled up like an idiot at the base of a tree.

He stalked forward, tail whipping, heading around a few bushes. His eyes narrowed at the sun that was peeking over the horizon, spreading light onto the path he crept upon. His pawsteps were quiet yet forceful as he pressed each paw down in synchronization. His ears had perked as if he'd expected to find prey, but they had obviously pinned tightly to his skull once more.

How come it has to be me? Why do I have to be like—

He stopped.

Vixenfeather and Milkfrost.

No. It wouldn't happen to him. He would be careful and ensure that nobody knew of his problem. He couldn't like toms but he couldn't stop it, so he'd just hide it. Pretend it didn't exist for him. Pretend he didn't like toms. He couldn't help the flow of thoughts that entered his head, though, but he could just try to block them out, right? He didn't want to like toms. He wasn't supposed to; it wasn't allowed.

He wasn't allowed to. It was as simple as that. One was just not meant to, so nobody did. He couldn't like toms but it wasn't really something he could just avoid, not any longer. It was just something to hide. Nobody could know. Not even Pantherleap. What if he turns on you? The thought echoed in his head, venomous and sharp in nature, and his lip curled as he stalked along and past the trees nearby.

He won't. He won't. And it doesn't matter because he won't know because I won't tell him.

Nobody could find out if he didn't tell anyone, right? There wasn't anything that happened to him when he figured it out, right? And there wasn't anything that he would do differently... He wouldn't go around telling anyone, if he found that he liked a specific tom he'd distance himself... Pantherleap. The tom kept bobbing up in his mind and Adderheart just didn't want to think about it.

He wanted to ignore it for as long as he could. He knew why he couldn't stop thinking about the leader's brother, as it had been an issue for a while, but the real solution had finally seemed to take place within his mind. And now that it was there, he didn't want to address it. The "solution" only caused him more headache. It wasn't really a solution. It was only adding fuel to the blaze.

And then, through the bushes limped Pantherleap.

Are you serious?

A spark of anger let the small piece of grass that was Adderheart catch fire. He swiftly guarded his dark gray eyes and let his tail flicker absently against the ground. Why had he come here? How long had it taken him to march all the way across the territory to get to him? I'm trying to ignore you. Leave me alone.

"...Adderheart?"

The voice was so soft, so gentle, so quiet. It was a shock to him that it was Pantherleap's, for it wobbled anxiously back and forth. It seemed to be teetering on the edge of a cliff that only the toms could see, because at the bottom was something that wasn't allowed.

"What's wrong?" Pantherleap took another step forward, his neck fur rising. His eyes were flashing and he tried to direct his gaze to the ground as if to hide it. Adderheart smothered the flames that were rising within him.

Should I lie?

What if he knows I'm lying?

What will happen if I tell the truth?

"I don't know," Adderheart answered, letting his voice be simple and quiet. If he spoke too loudly, it would just ruin the illusion. His ear twitched as he studied Pantherleap's reaction, which seemed to be next to nothing.

"Can I help you figure out what's wrong, then?" He returned, taking a small step forward. The tom was still injured, his figure littered in patches of herbs. Adderheart looked back at his own figure and saw himself mirrored in him.

He shrugged, letting his figure drift to the ground. He knew it was useless to continually evade questions from Pantherleap, and he likely wouldn't leave anytime soon. Also, his legs ached minimally. It was a soft though present ache that hung over him like a dark and stormy cloud. However, it didn't seem so bad when he sat down.

"I don't know," Adderheart replied again. Pantherleap's muzzle twisted momentarily and he stepped forward, though he pulled himself back sharply and sat down in front of Adderheart. The tawny warrior wrapped his tail over his paws and then looked to the ground.

"Do you want to just sit in silence until one of us gets hungry, then?" Pantherleap asked softly.

Adderheart shrugged once more, letting his own dark gray gaze drift to the ground.

"Adderheart, please— I want to help... please let me help you."

Well, the problem is that you can't help me because it isn't something that I can fix. It's not allowed and I have to hide it from you. What if you already know? What if you're just trying to get confirmation from me because you have connections to Cougarstar? StarClan, Adderheart, you've really messed everything up this time.

"I don't know what's wrong," Adderheart murmured. A lie, of course. It felt wrong and bad on his tongue as it left his muzzle, almost as bad as the earlier realization of his preferences. Preferences I shouldn't have, he thought.

"...come on. You know that's not true."

Pantherleap let his muzzle and head in general drift closer to Adderheart's, and he peered at him.

Then, Adderheart noticed the tawny warrior's eyes. He'd simply thought they were flashing out of confusion and a want to help, but they weren't. His dark green eyes were sad. Why? What? That didn't make sense. Why is he sad? He can't want to help. It's not just about wanting to help.

"Why are you sad?" He blurted, and within moments he knew he'd made a mistake. Pantherleap shifted back, gaze flickering with a bright emotion, and he shook his head.

"Don't try to change the topic," snapped Pantherleap, eyes widening as a paw half-rose to his muzzle. "S-sorry," he flurried, "I didn't m-mean to snap at you, I just want to h-help..."

"You're still avoiding my question..." Adderheart's voice wobbled but he forced it to straighten out.

"Because I want to h-help!" protested Pantherleap. "And you won't let me!"

"Sorry, I just don't think you'd understand," Adderheart admitted. He knew this would likely lead to more questioning, but he just needed to get Pantherleap off his back. He couldn't tell Pantherleap no matter what happened; the tawny tom couldn't know.

"I... I... Adderheart, please," the warrior pleaded, padding up to him tentatively. A cut on his face had reopened and blood streaked down his cheek like some sort of crimson tear. "Let me help you!"

"It's not a wound you can fix."

A lie.

"Then tell me how to fix it, Adderheart, please," the tom continued, "I want to help..."

StarClan...

He blinked fiercely, hating how his dark gray gaze seemed to blur. He didn't want to tell the tom for he knew it would simply just get out of control from there. If he told him about liking toms, the likelihood of him spilling the rest on accident was very high. And he simply couldn't do that.

It would be like social suicide... he wouldn't be able to talk to anyone. Nobody would talk to him. Pantherleap would tell Cougarstar, he'd get kicked out, and then he'd become... a rogue. He'd be like one of the rogues that SageClan hated. And nobody would speak to him. He would just fade away, into the background, irrelevant...

Or maybe he'd be used as an example. An example of what not to do, not to be. However, Cougarstar hadn't utilized the elders, though perhaps they were too old and too quiet to be made an example of. But him, a hardworking, strong warrior, poisoned by thoughts of liking toms, and kicked from the Clan because of it... His ear flicked anxiously, and Pantherleap lifted a paw to his chin.

"Hey, I know you're getting worked up, just... just please, tell me... how to help you."

He knows what happens to my face when I get worried and when I think. He knows what happens to my face when I get worried and when I think.

The thought bounced around loudly within his skull and the pale tom swallowed nervously, letting his dark gray gaze drift upward. It met with Pantherleap's pale green eyes, which were lit with intensity, and although it appeared as though it was only filled with such, Adderheart knew there was a film of anxiety behind them.

"Adderheart," he mewed once more and his voice was almost tinged with something alike to a warning.

"Pantherleap, I can't tell you," he said, trying to keep his voice professional. He couldn't let any emotion leak into his voice... if he did, it was likely he'd spill his secret without meaning to.

"Please let me help—!"

"I can't. I can't!" He snapped, and a strange chill ran down his spine. He shook his head and stepped backward, a swirl of anxiety rising within him. "I can't tell you, I can't."

"Why not?" Pantherleap asked softly. He approached Adderheart who shifted backward, panic climbing up his throat. "Please, I just want to help."

He wants to help. Let him help.

The thoughts had begun to infect his mind since the panic had grown. It was like a monster, rising and clambering upward within his throat, snatching his breath from his lungs and replacing it with an awkwardly slow-moving black sludge. Adderheart knew he shouldn't tell, but he wanted to help. Pantherleap was willing to help.

You can't. You can't!

He'd just figured it out for himself. Was it really smart to do it now? It was never smart to do it, really, but he should probably figure some stuff out before he spilled it to someone. He shouldn't. Couldn't. Wouldn't. Really shouldn't. It would be death for him. Pantherleap could tell someone and then he'd be doomed all over again—

We already did this.

I already thought about this.

"I like toms."

At the moment that silence clogged the air, Adderheart truly, honestly, if-he-could've-he-would've wanted to—

"So do I."

In unison, both warriors stumbled backward, jaws dropping at the same time.

"Wait, you do?"

The words this time were spoken at the same time, and Adderheart couldn't help but want to slam his head into the tree behind him till it bled and till he was gone.

Pantherleap couldn't like toms. For how long had he known? Had it been longer than a couple of moons? Had he figured it out recently? Or had he been hiding it for moons and moons, able to conceal his feelings from the cats who would truly and honestly hate his very guts if they'd learned of it—

"How long?" Adderheart blurted. "How long have you known?"

"As long as I—" Pantherleap stopped, breath suddenly caught in his throat. "No, no, no, I can't, can't, sorry, I—"

The tom had begun to back up nervously, ears flickering down. Panic grasped Adderheart and he lurched forward, hissing out a "No, wait, Pantherleap" as he slammed a paw down on the tom's tail.

"Don't. Don't tell. Please."

"I'm not going to, do you think I would expose myself too? I just— I—"

"What? What? I want to help, please tell me, I can't— I can't let you get away."

"Do you not trust me?" Pantherleap turned slowly and he looked to Adderheart. "Do you not trust me?"

"I do, Pantherleap, I swear!"

"R-really? Because you're telling me that you thought I was going to go and tell Cougarstar!"

"Pantherleap, I—"

"No, Adderheart! You don't tr-trust me. You don't." His voice grew quiet and at the edges of his vision pricked a couple of tears.

Swallowing heavily, Adderheart lifted a paw and brushed away the tom's tears. They wet his paw but he didn't care, only setting it back down upon the ground, and Pantherleap stared at him with large, rounded, green eyes.

"You like me, don't you?"

The words had left Adderheart's maw before he'd even realized it. The pale warrior looked up to a startled Pantherleap and the senior warrior stumbled backward, eyes rounding even further. Panic and alarm flashed clear and bright upon his expression and at that moment, Adderheart regretted his entire life.

How come he had to be this way? Quiet, non-assertive, but expressive with the cat he loved? The cat he couldn't love. The cat that loved him back. The cat that couldn't love him back. The cat whose brother had no heart and had never loved anyone.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Pantherleap immediately apologized, wobbling for a moment as he fell upon the ground. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please, please, I don't want to love you but I just can't help it—" His breath hitched and he slammed his head on the ground.

"Pantherleap, stop, stop," he said, trying to approach the warrior, but he just scrambled back.

"Don't touch me! D-don't touch me! I don't want to do anything, don't, don't...!"

Adderheart forcefully nudged the tom and pressed a paw down upon his. "Hey. Hey! Stop."

"You— you stop! Stop! I'm n-not doing anything, don't tell anyone pl-please, please, please... Cougarstar would kill me, he'd, he'd... he'd kill me, please don't tell him, don't tell B-Bearpatch either or anyone, it's our s-s-secret..."

"I'm not going to tell anyone! I'm not! Pantherleap, just stop and listen to me—"

"Thank you, th-thank you," he spluttered, trying to head forward, "don't t-tell anyone, please, I— this d-didn't happen. I don't like toms, I'm sorry, I lied, I don't like y-you Adderheart, I'm s-s-sorry—"

"I said, stop—!"

The air seemed to shatter as Adderheart's sharp voice split it, but Pantherleap's panic patched it up.

"I'm s-s-sorry, I didn't m-mean to lie, I... just needed a scapegoat! I'm s-sure you know about them, r-right? Don't h-hate me, don't t-tell anyone, don't t-tell T-Tinydust, please, please, pl-please—"

"I like you too, Pantherleap!"

Pantherleap stilled and then turned to look up and over at the warrior. His eyes squinted and he let out an awkward laugh, "D-don't lie, Add-Adderheart, you don't need to l-lie. Just don't tell anyone, ok-okay?"

You can go back. You can claim it as a lie. You don't have to do this. You can go back. You don't have to ruin everything. You don't have to do this. You don't have to do this. You can fix it. You can fix it all. You—

"I'm serious! I'm s-serious!" Adderheart began to tremble as Pantherleap went on and on.

"N-no need to lie, don't lie, don't lie," he stumbled over his words. "Please, please, it's okay I s-swear. Just don't tell anyone. Don't tell!" He gave the pale tom a watery smile as he staggered up to his paws, wiping his blurry gaze with the back of his paw. "P-promise?"

"Do you think I'm lying? Do you?" Adderheart wasn't angry, more concerned; he'd never seen Pantherleap this way, and for most it could tear them apart, but Adderheart just wanted to protect him. He wanted to grow to be a large, pale-furred bear and surround the senior warrior within a hug.

"Promise?" Pantherleap repeated, the watery smile still upon his features.

"I'm s-serious, Pantherleap!" He forced the stutter out of his tone. "I'm serious! I'm serious! Believe me, please, Pantherleap..."

The senior warrior slowed down for a moment, and Adderheart could almost see Pantherleap's world crash around him. He stumbled backward, eyes rounding to the size of a moon, and a terrible panic suddenly scrawled itself all over his expression. He whipped around and then spluttered out a few words.

"T-talk l-l-later—"

And with that, Pantherleap was gone.