Warning: Extra-salty rant. If you suffer from high-blood pressure, I advise you against reading this. 

Once I finish reading to the end of the page, I lick my thumb and turn it. My eyes never leave the book, not even when I reach out and grab my vanilla milkshake from the table. After my tongue battles the pesky straw for a couple of seconds, my lips manage to snag it into place. I take a long sip—inhaling so much that my lungs resemble crumpled soda cans—and allow the thick, milky liquid to slide down my throat, leaving behind a trail of refreshing glory.

Through my peripheral vision, I watch you slide in the seat across from me, a book in your hand as well. What the fuck does this guy want, I think bitterly. Here I was, enjoying my book involving an alpha mate and drag queens, without a care in the world. You just had to come and ruin it. The cacophony of sound in the fast-food joint doesn't bother me one bit—I come here so often the place is practically my second home—just your presence, which is annoying and most definitely unwanted.

You say something—my eyes focus on "and he pulled out his whip from his bag, ready to whip this bad dog into a good dog" but also on what you're mouthing. Still, I ignore you. You're nothing but an annoying pest anyway, a fly I want to crush with a swatter.

You reach out and touch my forearm—my gaze immediately snaps to it. How dare you touch me with your poop-encrusted hand? I look up with the most hate-filled glare I can muster, which doesn't waver even when you smile like an idiot.

"What," I say, hostility rolling off me in waves.

"Hi,"—you swallow and give me an awkward wave—"I saw you reading Queens and Wolverine, and I just had to come over and let you know that I love that book too!"

I stare at you as if you had just grown a second head. If you're up there, ethereal being, please kill me.

"And? What do you want?"

You chuckle and lift your book, revealing the front cover. It reads: Kings and Dracula.

No. Fucking. Way. He wants me to read his book.

"I'm a new author, and I was wondering whether you'd like to read my fan fiction?"

Let's pause right there.

Do you realise how stupid these people sound in real life?

Now this scenario could end in one of two ways:

a) I rip out a page from my book, write my number on it, and slide it over whilst simultaneously taking his book with a sweet smile on my face. "Of course, I'll read it!" I say, knowing damn well that I will waste hours of my life on a piece of literal shit.

b) I pick up my milkshake and toss at you—I cackle as I watch you cry like a little bitch, both your clothes and fanfic dripping with a drink made using the fat from beaver testicles.

On the Internet, it's very easy to pester people to read your book. It's not that they can just punch you in the face for bothering them, or raise their middle finger at you. All you have to do is write a shitty generic note and mass-message the Wattpad public, hoping to reel in a poor sucker, that, out of pity and nothing else, will read your book.

I don't give a single shit about whether you're the next J.K Rowling or a twelve-year-old learning how to write. Don't hassle me with your reading requests, especially when it says clearly on my profile that I don't do read 4 read.

But you know, some people aren't even decent enough to write you a message asking you to read their work. Like viruses, these people are continuously evolving. Here are a few ways they try to make you go blind with their crappy writing:

1. They drop a link on your profile, book, or PM box. These people are at the bottom of the ladder. These impertinent fools are very easy to spot and avoid.

2. They leave a message on your profile or in your PM box asking you to read their work. The message is usually along the lines of: "Hi, my name is [.....] could you please read my book? [insert a link to a book that would make an English teacher commit suicide]". These ones are tricky because they tug at your heartstrings—they said 'please', so you immediately think, "Awe, what harm could they do?" Don't fall into that trap.

3. These people follow a similar method to #2, except that they chat you up first. Be it in your PM box or comment box in your book, these people will throw sugarcoated bullshit at you, only to hit you with the classic, "can you please read my book?" These guys make you suspicious of everyone and everything. Even your pet poodle.

4. Read 4 Readers. They promise to read your work, but once you start reading theirs, they go MIA. This is the second to last category, and at this point, you've already lost. Even if you read just a single chapter, their number will have gone up (as will their vote count if you're stupid enough to vote)!

5. Same as #3 or #4, except that these people are like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One moment they're nice, but if you so much as dare to stop reading your work (or if you drop a piece of feedback) they will hunt you down with their prepubescent friends and make your life a living hell. It's especially hard to get out of this one—block one and twenty jump out. When will it ever end?

Good thing I haven't experienced #5, but unfortunately, I have encountered the other types. Remember to vaccinate yourself and speak to your doctor if you find yourself having any symptoms of the above.

Just for the laughs, I thought I should give you a real-life example of #3 (except with an added bonus of sass from the perpetrator).

I was exploring wonderful, fabulous world of Wattpad, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, I see a red bubble appear on my profile. Excited, I click on it, and see that it's a message! Who will it ever be from? A friend or a foe? I click on my Inbox, and my mood immediately sours.

A foe.

The conversation went something like this (I won't mention any names):

Person: Hi! My name is Chantelle Baxter, and I was just wondering if you could check out my new book? [Inserts link]

(Let me underline the fact that they didn't even say 'please', or offered to read my work, or anything of that sort. That would've been too good to be true.)

I was feeling relatively nice that day, so I went over to their profile and...lo and behold this chick has over a thousand followers! That's like three and a half times more than I do! One of her older works had over 20k reads, twice as much as Deadly Secrets does!

At this point, I'm freakin' fuming. I can't believe this girl.

Me: Are you sure you need readers? You have over a thousand followers lmao

I had to cross myself after the following reply and whisper a prayer of forgiveness. I was half a millimetre away from going off on this bitch.

Person: Haha! Well, I didn't get all these followers just by sitting back and doing nothing! I just really love to meet new people and invite them over to check out my works! :)

I had already punched a hole through the wall by the time I got to the end of the first sentence. The audacity! The nerve! How dare she sass me? I wanted to say, "Well, it says a lot about a person when you have to go and ask someone to read your work, rather than having a reader check out your book out of their own accord and liking it for themselves. :)"

But no, I wasn't going to lower myself to her level.

Me: Even when it says on a person's profile that they don't take requests? :)

I waited for her message with bated breath.

Person: Even then :) It's still worth a shot, that way I can communicate with more people!

Bye Becky. If you can't respect a person's simple request of NOT SENDING THEM A READ REQUEST, and you go ahead and fucking do it anyway, then FOR SURE I will not have anything to do with you. Or your stupid book.

So that's why my fictional scenario wouldn't end in either a) or b).

It would end in the never-before-mentioned option c):

I grab my book, smack the side of your head, and while you're in a daze, I snatch your own book out of your hands, rip out the pages, crumple them up and shove them into your mouth. Once I'm done, I give you a little wink and sashay away, sipping on that vanilla milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard.

Oh, I almost forgot about one crucial point—while you're choking on the pages from your book, I go and fling salt in your eyes. Hopefully, that will teach you a lesson.

🍟🍟🍟

Is there something that you're itching to complain about, but have the good sense not to do so on a public forum? I can do it for you! Feel free to PM me with the topic you want me to rant about, and I won't think twice before adding it here. I'll be waiting!