chapter two, me and the devil

𝕷iya

            THE MONTH HAS PASSED QUICKER than she expected. The woman she was living with, Lena, was one of the best mediks in Tsemna. She was a herbalist as well, creating ointments and herbal teas and sending them all over Ravka. Lena was not overwhelmed by Liya's presence at all, on the contrary, she was delighted to teach her everything she knows about herbs as a pair of hands was always useful.

            Genya has chosen this place since it was just outside the Tsemna. It was near the Fold, as she said, meaning that the camp of the First Army was near in case she will need to run away. It was also a very peaceful place, surrounded by luscious forests and the songs of the birds that woke her up every morning.

            Most importantly, after a long time, Liya felt safe.

            It was easy to communicate with Lena – they both did their jobs, knew their chores and enjoyed each other's company. Lena wasn't that young, but she still travelled most of the time, to Tsemna and outside of it, not too far, while Liya spent mixing the needed herbs and searching for them nearby.

            Of course, she missed her sister and she understood that she won't be getting any letters from her. The knowledge of knowing that she was alive and well, was enough for her to move on and live in total darkness. It felt good to not be surrounded by people that were better than her in every aspect of life, while she was discarded away and used.

            Not many news reached this place from the Little Palace or anywhere else, really. Lena always brought a good amount of gossip about the townies, but nothing relating to the war matters or Grisha. At first, it felt odd not to know what was going on, but then it soon reminded her of her life in the orphanage and her dedication to it and not the outside world.

            The nightmares didn't leave her – every night she was forced to deal with only a few hours of sleep. Worst of all, the nightmares started to be less of images and more of the feelings she has experienced – the terror and the pain. Even if she was far away from Fjerdans and the Little Palace, her heart couldn't stop worrying as if this wasn't the end.

            Her thoughts got shaken away when the little bell rang, meaning that the door opened. Lena attached the bell on the top as soon as Liya started to live here as well, so she could know when someone came.

            Visitors were often, they asked for ointments and for advice. Sometimes, people travelled straight here to be treated by Lena. Today wasn't an exception – the bell rang when she was in the middle of stacking the herbs, tying them in little bundles for easier access.

            Walking out of the room, with the help of her hands stretched out in front of her, she walked into the main room that was spacious enough to have a huge wooden shelf full of herbs and another one full of books as well as a table and a few chairs.

            "How can I help you?" Liya asked, hoping that she was facing the front door because sometimes her orientation would be horrible after a sleepless night.

            "Eh, sorry to disturb you, but is this the house of Lena?" A male voice said and she nodded.

            "It is! Right now she is in Tsemna, but she should come back in a few hours unless you only need ointments or herbs," Liya replied, hearing that the man wasn't alone – someone was shuffling beside him.

            "Ehm," the man groaned, "My friend really hurt his leg and we heard that the medik resides here."

            "Oh, of course! Please sit down," Liya moved forward, coming in contact with the table and she soon got her hands on the chair and pulled it out, motioning for the wounded one to sit down. "I cannot do much, but for the time Lena is gone, perhaps I can help you."

            "Thank you," the man answered, sitting down on a chair and helping his friend to sit down while she moved to the other end where the shelf was.

            "Could you describe it to me? Is it bleeding or is it swollen?"

            "No blood, ma'am," he replied, "he was working in the field and he twisted his leg badly."

            She heard his heart beat faster and she slightly froze – he was lying. She didn't let herself linger on this for too long, since she didn't want them to know that she could actually tell when they were lying, so she took a few bundles out of boxes.

            "Swollen?" Liya asked, managing to sound completely calm while she tried to remember the way to get to the back door. She really thought that running away might be unnecessary, but she already felt weird with these two men inside and they weren't the first customers she has encountered alone. Why were they lying? Were they sent to get here? Did someone want her back?

            "Like a second leg," he breathed out a laugh, which was once again another lie.

            "Then I'll make an ointment to ease some pain and Lena will inspect it from up close to give you any insights," she replied, placing the bundles on the table. "Do you care for tea?"

            "It'd be lovely, ma'am," the man said, his voice sounding completely normal and it made her wonder if she was just being paranoid.

            But making the tea gave her the opportunity to leave this room, walking into the kitchen that was nearby the main room and she walked to the little shelf on the ground full of glass jars with picked vegetables, but there was also a little backpack packed in there in case she would need to run. Genya made sure to explain everything to Lena the best she could and the woman didn't ask much and complied with the possibility of living in danger.

            However, instead of taking it out, she froze, trying to hear intensely what they were talking about and if this actually was a red code for her.

            "You sure this is her?" One of them asked, almost inaudibly.

            "You saw how she walks? She is blind. It is her," the other replied.

            She didn't need to hear anything else. She grasped the backpack, putting it over her shoulder and she moved to the left side where there was a door leading to the terrace. It was a back door, it led straight to the forest where she would scavenge for herbs, but this time, she knew that she won't ever come back in here.

            The fear froze her for a moment, making her close her eyes and prepare for the worst – to be in total unknown. She knew that there was a First Army camp nearby, but reaching it will be nearly impossible – she didn't know where to go. She knew she has to go forwards, but if those men will follow her, she had no idea where to hide.

            Pushing her head on the door, she took a deep breath, cursing mentally that she allowed herself to feel safe, to feel that the dangers were left from the moment she left the Little Palace. The horrors will always follow her no matter what and she could stay here and wait for Lena to come back, maybe she could help her by guiding the way, but putting that nice old woman in harm's way was not discussable.

            That's why, she embraced herself for more horrors and she silently opened the door, stepping outside, being met with a breeze – it was already the beginning of autumn and the weather was slowly getting colder and the nights were already freezing. She wasn't dressed warmly to survive a cold night, but some part inside of her told her that maybe she won't even get far before getting captured again.

            Stepping onto the creaky wooden floor of the terrace, she cursed, managing to silently close the door, she extended her hands, feeling the railing of the three steps and she slowly walked down, feeling the ground beneath her boots. Taking a deep breath, she lunged forwards, moving faster than she should.

            It was a bit too much and she didn't even know if she was moving forwards. The leaves and branches were breaking underneath her steps, her hands were holding onto the repetitive old trees, making her feel thankful that this forest was stuffed with trees.

            She couldn't hear much – the fear was ringing in her ears as the breaking of the branches seemed so loud that she had no idea if anyone was already following her or if she was going somewhere where there are people, but she kept on marching forwards.

            The thought of being captured again was making her move. She couldn't be captured again, she couldn't be disregarded again, used and betrayed. She didn't know how much she can go through and if she deserved all of it, but it made her feel angry.

            One month of peace seemed like a reward that she got used to a little bit too quickly. All of those conversations shared with Lena, the really nice borscht that she made, making sure to put more beets than necessary – all of it seemed like a glimpse of a home she once had, that once smelled like gingerbread each winter.

            It made her understand that she was always seeking security. It was weak of her to believe there was a safe place in this world, but her heart couldn't stop wondering if her destiny was actually to be used and then die. She hopelessly believed that there is a better cause, a better destiny, in which, she actually gets to be happy without the sleepless nights, without the nightmares, without the terror.

            Liya didn't even realise how her thoughts distracted her to the fullest and the next step she placed didn't have an end and she launched forward somewhere. Soon enough, she reached the ground, dropping straight on a stone underneath her right arm and she squeezed a groan out of her mouth. Her mouth fell open, feeling the way her head started to pulse, sending the sharp pain of migraine through her whole body as the wounded arm felt limp.

            Gulping down a sob, she managed to extend her left arm to help herself to sit down. It seemed that she fell down a cliff or a little hill since the fall wasn't that long. Tears were already running down her face as she tried her best not to let out any sound, but one sob left her mouth and she instantly regretted it as she heard distant voices behind her:

            "I heard something there!"

            The heart picked up its pace and she was soon to raise on her feet, a little bit disoriented. Leaning down, she touched the stone and moved forwards, pressing her right arm against her body as she touched the trees with her left arm. Her feet seemed to ache, but it wasn't as bad as the pain in her right arm—she tried to think if she twisted it or broke it, but the need to move forward overtook all of her thoughts.

            "I see her! Hurry!"

            The distant voice seemed to get closer and she didn't know what to do. Her feet moved forward, but it felt as if she was going backwards. The breath got stuck in her throat, leaves and branches hitting her face repeatedly as she just tried not to trip.

            Just as she was mumbling a silent prayer to the Saints, she heard a rustling in front of her and as she was about to move to the right side and get out of there, she heard a voice that she could decipher: "Get down."

            Her body didn't need to be told twice and she quickly squatted down, feeling the cold ground underneath her that made her teeth clash together, feeling the fear and the coldness collide. The distant footsteps soon ended as a whoosh of air flew right above her and there was silence after that.

            An utter silence.

            Only then did she allow herself to breathe, to react to the pain, to react that she wasn't moving forward and that the person in front of her was familiar. Liya wasn't good at deciphering who she was talking to from the voice of the person, but this one she knew – alluring and deep.

            The Darkling.

            Panic forced her to freeze in her spot, trying to think what has happened. Were those men sent by him? How did he find her? What was going to do with her? Why was he here? The questions were endless and the silence was only frightening her more. So, she embraced herself and held onto the tree beside her and raised on her feet.

            "What are you doing here?" She managed to croak out, taking deep breaths to control the burn in her chest.

            "Saving your life apparently," he answered, those deep undertones made her want to squeeze herself in a tiny hole and hide there.

            Hearing his heartbeat, she knew it wasn't a lie, but that didn't make him believe what he was saying. Was there a possibility that he was a very skilled manipulator that his heartbeat didn't even show when he was lying?

            "What are you doing here?" She gritted her teeth, hearing him take a step closer, but she extended her hand towards him. "Don't you dare to come closer."

            "You are bleeding," he pointed out and she didn't even know where she was bleeding from – everything burned.

            "Answer me."

            She heard him sigh. "I have no idea who those two men were, but you are lucky that I managed to come here in time or else you'd be in trouble."

            "What do you expect me to say?" She shook her head, even if she heard that what he said, wasn't a lie either. A happy coincidence, really?

            "All I am trying to say is that the best place for you to be is in the Little Palace. These were assassins. Now, I don't know if they were sent by Zlatan's family or Shu Han, but they won't stop."

            Liya felt dumbfounded. Was she blamed for Zlatan's death? Was she on some sort of target list? "I'm not going back."

            "You have nowhere else to go."

            "And I'm content with that."

            She could swear that she could hear the way he pressed his lips together tightly, before speaking up, "The safest place for you is the Little Palace. At least until we can solve the thing about the attempted assassination."

            A chuckle sat on her lips, "I've heard the first part somewhere. Didn't end as I expected."

            "I regret what I did to you."

            "Oh?" she sarcastically scoffed, leaning onto the tree as she was losing her coordination once again, "Am I supposed to believe that?"

            "Listen to my heart," he demanded.

            She did. The whole time. He wasn't lying, but it wasn't enough. "What part of me wanting to leave Little Palace and never wanting to see you again you didn't understand?"

            "The part that you are in danger and you have nowhere else to go," he pointed out, stepping closer, filling her lungs with his scent that made her head slightly dizzy. "Give me a chance to make you feel safe."

            Her eyes filled with painful tears, making her shake her head. Saints, how much she wanted to give in to the alluring voice of his, the lovely scent of his, the presence of his... Yet, she spent all of these nights, drenched in terror because of what he did. Yes, he wasn't lying, but it didn't mean that he won't use her the same way as before.

            "I don't trust you," she spoke the truth, ignoring the fact that her voice quivered at the end. "I have no way of knowing if you won't use me again."

            "Give me a chance to redeem myself."

            "Why?" she nudged her head towards him, "Why do you care about redemption?"

            There was silence and his heart quickened – he wanted to tell her something, but he was hesitating.

            "Because I made a mistake!" he breathed out, voice rushed. "I am so used in having things my way that I don't think about the harm I can do to others. I didn't think about the harm I could do to you until—until I saw you in that dungeon. Until I realised that I used your weakness against you. I wrecked you. Your safety. Your hope. And—living with that gnawing guilt... I am going crazy, Liya..." he sounded desperate, pleading.

            Trying to process his words, she didn't know how to react. It was as if her whole body stopped working and left her mind alone to deal with all of this. He sounded desperate, he sounded as if this month was the biggest torture and worst of all, she believed him.

            Noting her silence, he continued: "There is no way for me to take back my actions or to pretend that nothing happened. I could pretend. I could shake off that occurrence just like I did hundreds of times. But, Liya..." he took a deep breath, "I can't pretend. Not with you. I can't forget the moment when you disappeared or when you told me that you want to leave... I can't stop thinking about you!"

            It felt as if she was repeatedly running into a brick word as if nothing made sense to her. Why was he feeling this guilt about what he did to her if, as he claims, he usually doesn't? Why couldn't he stop thinking about her?

            "Don't think that I'll ever forgive you for what you have done," she replied. "But I get your point about the Little Palace being the safest place." Or at least the place she knew. Being somewhere out in the woods when assassins were ought to find her, wasn't the best thing to choose.

            "You'll be safe."

            "But I swear to Saints," she pointed her finger in his direction, "if I will sense that you are tricking me – I'll make you regret it."

            "Understood," he replied, but she could swear, she could feel that he was slightly smiling.

            "And we will do everything my way this time. I won't be terrified of you or others. I'll continue my training, but not with you."

            "Fair enough."

            "For Saint's sake, don't smile!" she grumbled, hearing him chuckle. "I can hear that you are standing there, grinning like an idiot. I don't need sight to see that."

            "I'm just—relieved," he admitted.

            Running her hand through her hair, and down her forehead, she was met by a sticky substance, noting that she was bleeding from the right temple. Hissing in pain, she retracted her hand, "I really hope you are actually being sincere because I am so tired of feeling afraid, Darkling."

            "Aleksander."

            "What?" Liya furrowed her eyebrows, regretting that she did that because the pain was burning her eyes even.

            "My name is Aleksander," he said. "And I hope you will realise that I am being sincere."

            Aleksander. It was a nice name and somehow, she felt flustered knowing it as she soon realised that there was a reason no one called him that – no one knew his actual name.

            "We'll see about that," she pushed her limp body from the tree, taking a deep breath. "Show the way, Aleksander."

            She heard him smile again. Or was she just going crazy at this point?

author's note:

talk about angsty confessions...