>Penny's POV<

It was maddening. It almost seemed like the more I tried to avoid Sam, the more I ran into him. Did I really have to run into him at every corner now? Did he do it on purpose? Didn't he notice that I was trying to keep my distance from him?

On the other hand, the thought was unfair. Sam couldn't help his situation and everything that had happened and least of all that I couldn't deal with him being back. Basically, I was more than just happy that Sam was still alive. I had always been the last person to wish him anything bad and I had wished all these years that he would show up again, that he would still be alive.

But his disappearance had plunged me into a deep and dark hole from which I had found it difficult to escape and was essentially still balancing on the edge because I had never been able to forget him. Deep in my heart I knew that all I wanted was Sam and that I would be weak as soon as the opportunity arose, as I had just wanted to fall into his arms the first day when I saw him again later in his brother's Cafe.

As soon as I opened the door to the Whole Fish Cafe on the day he returned, I knew it had been a mistake to come here. I froze when I saw Sam sitting there and it immediately touched my heart at how desperate he looked. It had taken me so long to get over him. As soon as he was back, all my defenses melted away like ice in the sun and the wall I had built around the part of my heart not only crumbled - parts of it suddenly collapsed.

It took all my effort to turn to Bronwyn and to ignore Sam. But I couldn't let that happen. His loss had almost destroyed me and I had to think about my children. They needed me. If I let him back into my heart only to then perhaps lose him again, it would completely drive me crazy.

"I'll be ready soon, Penny. Sorry it's taking a little longer, but we were so surprised that Sam was back."

"Not just you," I murmured quietly, staring at the counter in front of me.

"Isn't that wonderful? I..." I wasn't listening to Bronwyn at all, trying to concentrate on Sam, hearing what he was saying - not because I was curious, but because I just wanted to hear his voice, but he did seemed to want to talk just as little as I did."Penny?"

"What?" I looked up in shock at Bronwyn, who had placed the bag of food in front of me and was now asking me if everything was okay."Of course. Please excuse me. I was in thought for a moment. Thank you Bronwyn." I grabbed the bag from the counter and pulled some money out of my pocket to hand to her before turning and leaving.

His presence alone was enough to make me want to cry again, and I longed for nothing more than to wrap my arms around him, lay my head on his chest, and inhale his wonderful scent while listening to his heartbeat. I suddenly stopped because of my thoughts as I walked past the shop window and looked back into the restaurant, watching Sam, who was now talking to Charlie again. I couldn't help it. I wanted to see him, just enjoy looking at this wonderful man, who had meant more to me than my own life, whose disappearance had made me give up more than once in the most impossible situations - whether it was climbing, where I was at the highest point the knife came into my mind tha was in my pocket, which could have easily cut my rope; In countless missions I was tempted to surrender to the fire instead of fighting it; I had sailed out to sea in the storm, hoping it would capsize my boat, but my damned instincts had saved me time and time again.

Only when Sam looked up and our eyes met did I snap out of my cloudy thoughts and flee. I had fallen madly in love with this man and yet learned to love again. I had started over and there was no longer any room for old problems in my life. How could I risk making Ben unhappy after he had always been there for me? He was the perfect man. Loving, caring, had a sense of humor and understood almost everything - even my deep sadness for Sam, which was expressed in the fact that I didn't tolerate pictures or the saying of his name in our house. I never had that. I just couldn't stand it. I once hoped that if Sam was no longer an issue in real life, that I would eventually stop thinking and dreaming about him all the time. It hadn't worked, but I still didn't want to let it tear down.

But the fact that he was back again caused everything to shake. It wasn't enough that I was constantly thinking about him, I was also drawn to him. No matter how much I convinced myself that I had to keep my distance, I kept running into him more and more often and I had the feeling that I was doing it unconsciously. After all, I could have guessed that he would be in the Cafe that day. Sam had nothing left. Where else could he have gone on the first day but to his brother? What was I thinking, getting the food myself?

But I wasn't the only one unconsciously seeking to be close to him, because fate obviously wanted us to meet as often as possible. Our encounter on the second evening on the road into town proved this. I still wondered where Sam had wanted to go that evening, but since Malcolm lived down the street, I assumed he had wanted to pay him a visit.

He had treated Mira so wonderfully and he had looked at her as if he had taken her into his heart from the first moment. I couldn't ignore his comment that he seemed tiring to women. The truth spilled out of me before I could even think about what I was saying. But it was exactly like that. Sam was far from tiring to me. On the contrary. He enlivened my senses and dreams - especially the more passionate ones. Not even with Ben did I feel as safe and secure as I had always felt around Sam.

What I particularly remember was our chance meeting on the beach:

I was watching the children playing together in the sand in front of us when Ben sat down behind me and put his arms around me to pull me close. As always, I let myself fall and a smile appeared on my face when I felt his lips on my neck. It still felt so good to be loved by him. His arms that surrounded me promised me support and security, his warmth enveloped me and gave me the familiar feeling of being at home. He had pulled me out of the hole that Sam's disappearance had left me in and taught me again what it meant to be happy. I would be eternally grateful to him for that, I thought as I turned towards him enough to kiss him tenderly, which didn't leave Ben quite as innocent as I had planned.

"Sam, Sam!" Leon shouted enthusiastically from somewhere next to us. I opened my eyes and jumped up, my eyes searching frantically for Sam and my cheeks flushing with embarrassment. I spotted our oldest running along the beach - straight towards Sam, who caught him as Leon then jumped into his arms.

"The two of them know each other?" I asked hoarsely.

"I told you that he ran away from me a few days ago because he didn't feel like getting over his cold. He met Sam before I found him and the two of them talked," Ben explained to me casually.

"About what?" Christ, I still couldn't think straight. Had Sam seen us? Would he despise me for that? He looked so good when he laughed and joked around like he did with Leon now. Apparently he was handling it all better than I was - although I had also learned to act well and hide my true feelings so that no one would worry about me. Did Sam do that too or was our friendship not as important to him as I thought and everyone always had said?

"Like Leon said, Sam made him realize that no matter how well our big one takes care of himself, unforeseen things can always happen and how important it is that his parents always know where he is." At that moment, Sam looked over at us - which probably had something to do with our son's finger pointing at us. I couldn't help it and finally freed myself from Ben's arms and turned to the picnic basket. My cheeks burned. I didn't want to be seen by Sam when I was in someone else's arms, cuddling up to him or smiling as I watched our children. It suddenly seemed so...wrong to me. "Hey, Sam. Come sit with us!" Ben called out to him enthusiastically, much to my horror, and I froze for a moment. He couldn't be serious?! My husband and my great love, who I thought was lost, and me in the middle of it all? That was a very bad joke that fate played on me.

I grabbed a book and lay on my stomach to immerse myself in it. If he and Ben wanted to talk, it would be without me, before I ran the risk of spilling the beans in some way or, more likely, getting caught secretly trying to smooch Sam like I always did whenever I had the opportunity to do so. It was still unbelievable that he was back again and even more unbelievable how much I wished that in moments like just now, it would be his arms that surrounded me; his warmth and his scent, which enveloped me and made me feel safe, as it had done years before when I was close to him. I couldn't help wondering if it was really true that Sam had loved me back then - did he still love me? For me it was 5 years ago, for Sam it was just over a week.

The wind blew from his direction and I closed my eyes as my pulse quickened and I breathed deeply as it carried his scent to my nose. I could have drowned in it. I wanted it so bad. His voice sounded like a wonderful wind chime in my ear - calming and soothing.

"I...have to move on. Charlie and his family are waiting for me."

"Okay. See you soon, Sam."

"Bye. Have a nice day." He kept walking and I couldn't resist and watch him go while Ben got up to go to Mira. I loved Sam's confident walk, his muscular build and his broad shoulders. I dreamed about him so often and I obviously hadn't forgotten anything. He really looked like he did in my dreams. I couldn't help wondering if his hair felt as soft and his muscles as wonderful under my fingers as in my dreams.

I was so lost in thought that it took me a second to register that he had stopped and was now turning to look at me. Our eyes met again and my heart was pounding as I sheepishly looked back at my book in front of me.

That was almost one week ago and I still didn't know how to deal with it all. Especially not with our seemingly random encounters.

"Is that everything you want, Penny?" Dilys asked me as I rummaged through my wallet, lost in thought. I had just finished work. Ben picked up the children from kindergarten today and I just wanted to buy a few little things for dinner. I should have known so much better because as soon as I entered the store, Sam walked in shortly after me, which led me to my thoughts.

"Yes, Dilys. That's it. What do you get?" I stopped putting my shopping bag away to pay Dilys before making room for Sam to put down his purchases. I glanced at it furtively. Milk, flour, eggs, some ham and grated cheese. What did he have in mind? It seemed simple but knowing Sam, he would create something wonderful with it.

"I heard you're living at Malcolm's now, Sam?" Dilys asked him flirtatiously and I secretly rolled my eyes in annoyance. Was she waiting for an invitation? Ever since Trevor ran off with a dancer from Newtown, she'd been throwing herself at everyone again. But she had always paid special attention to Sam. I could understand her.

"It's been like that since my second day. It's amazing that you're only asking me about it now, since I come here almost every day," he said teasingly and I couldn't help but smile as I tried to buy time in sorting one yogurt after another into my bag.

"Really? Oh, I have to blame Bronwyn for not telling me about that sooner. The apartment is supposed to be so nice, at least that's what the tourists told me" Woah, did she really think Sam was inviting her to see for herself when she asked so bluntly?

"If you want to see it, I'll be happy to let Malcolm show it to you," Sam said with a smile as he handed Dilys money and put his purchase in a small bag.

"Really?!" Dilys said, surprised, what I was thinking.

"Of course. If I move out at some point, I won't mind." Sam had finished his shopping and he gave me a discreet sideways glance. Our eyes met and we both had to smile.

I grabbed my bag and threw back a general 'bye' which went unanswered. Not from Dilys because she was upset about the rejection, not from Sam because he also grabbed his bag and walked past me to hold the door open for me. I only paused for a moment before walking through with a curt thank you. I only got a few meters when the sound of the doorbell told me that the shop door had closed again, but I would bet that Dilys was standing in the window watching us go. Us, because I felt that Sam was walking right behind me.

"We...have the same path. Would a little company bother you?" he then asked me a little shyly as he caught up to me and kept pace with me.

"No, it's okay."

"Shall I...carry your shopping?"

"Really Sam? We're not at school anymore where the big, strong boys have to carry the books for the girls," I replied with a smile before wincing. Damn, I fell back into the old routine way too quickly around him.

"I would do it," he replied with a shrug. "I'd be happy to."

"I can do it. Thanks anyway." An uncomfortable silence spread that he didn't seem to dare break. Probably because I had suddenly become serious and distant again. "So you live with Malcolm?" This question certainly wasn't objectionable if it came from me...was it? I just wanted to make small talk so things wouldn't get too awkward between us, but I suddenly wondered if it was wise to know where he was at night.

"Yes, he gave me the holiday apartment in his house. It's not the same as my old house, but it has everything you need."

"I'm glad you seem to be finding back to solid ground again so well."

"Are you really doing this?" I heard the surprise in his voice and looked up in surprise, which made him stumble. "I only mean because you try to avoid me and often ignore me. Especially when there are others around. But when we are alone, then always comes the old Penny back that you're obviously trying to hide."

"And you're still thinking too much," I simply replied. I didn't want to talk to him about it. The danger of becoming weak, of telling him too much about my true motives, which he could then use to tear down the remaining walls in my heart, only to be able to hurt me again, was simply too great.

"Penny." He grabbed my arm and stopped, forcing me to do so too, and I looked up at him. "You recently questioned that you would ever treat me like that and now you're ignoring me!" he said now and the helplessness in his voice let my heart clench.

"It's been over 5 years since your recent one, Sam. A lot has happened since then." It was just too painful to think about. I didn't talk to anyone about it, why should I now with Sam?

"But why do you blame me for that?" he asked me, almost desperately. I lowered my gaze, not knowing whether to give in to the anger or the disappointment within me as I tried to hold back the tears that now burned in my eyes. "You've never been so unfair, Penny. Since when do you punish someone for something he hadn't done on purpose?" In a desperate last attempt, I turned my head away and squeezed my eyes shut to hide the tears from him. It still hit me right in the heart, no matter how hard I tried to let it all bounce off the wall in my heart - or rather, what was left of it.

"You're right, Sam. You can't help what happened. It was an unfortunate accident and no one is as sorry as I am. But if you don't let it go now, it won't lead to something good, at least not for me."

"Why not, Pen? Talk to me. Help me understand. Didn't we say the other day...back then that we'll always sort things out by talking about it?"

"Damn it, Sam! What do you want to hear from me?" I blurted out. What was so difficult to understand? He had to see that all of this had hurt me a lot. "I couldn't have you, but I couldn't forget you either. Nevertheless, I went on and built a life for myself. I want and I will protect my family. There's nothing more to say." I turned and left. I had told him everything. He didn't need to know anything more.

"And when are you going to start thinking about yourself and your own happiness?" he then called after me and it stopped me immediately because it hit me like lightning and I spun around to him. That was not fair.

"I thought about it as long as you were there. I hoped for it, even for a long time after you were gone. To this day, my last thought in the evening, my first thought in the morning and also my dreams belong to you. Don't ask for more of me Sam," I demanded, my voice choked with tears. I was about to explode and I knew full well that it would manifest itself in a crying fit that, knowing Sam, I would finish in his arms.

"I would never ask you to do anything you don't want, Penny." His voice was suddenly gentle, almost understanding, as he stepped in front of me and even though I still didn't look at him, I knew how close he suddenly was to me. I felt it even before he took my hands in his. "I'll make everything right, Penny, even if it's the last thing I do. But don't punish me by hating me. I can't stand that ."

"I don't hate you, Sam. I could never." I looked into his eyes, shocked by his request and especially puzzled by his choice of words. I only realized what mistake I had made when my stomach began to flutter, my knees became weak and my heart raced. "But it would be so much easier if that were the case," I added in a weak voice and took my hands away from him before I turned and fled.

Only when I was sure that he could no longer see me did I slow down and run my hand through my face. I have had to fight hard not to allow my tears to flow freely in front of him, but it was much harder to resist my urge to wrap my arms around him and seek protection and comfort in his arms.

Ten minutes later I entered our house and placed the bag in the kitchen and began to unpack it. I had myself under control again, but I still couldn't get our conversation out of my head. What did Sam mean by when I would start thinking about my own happiness?

"There you are finally, darling. I was starting to get worried," I heard Ben say from behind me. I didn't hear any accusation in his voice. On the contrary, he teased me because I often met someone on the way home and tended to get held up because everyone wanted to chat with me. But today I couldn't handle it.

"You know I'm never on time, Ben, especially when I have to stop by Dilys first. So stop joking."

"What kind of louse has gotten into your liver?" he asked in surprise, but I didn't say anything and he started putting the yoghurts in the fridge next to me. I didn't want to talk about my encounter with Sam, especially since I had to think about it in peace first. "Can I leave you alone like this if I have to go to this weekend training tomorrow?" he asked me when I had just emptied the bag and reached for the apples. I turned to him, confused.

"What?!"

"You've been acting so strange. For weeks actually, but today you're particularly moody. If I didn't know better, I'd say you're pregnant again." A cheeky grin appeared at the corners of his mouth as he uttered the last sentence after a short pause and I rolled my eyes in annoyance as I decided to put the apples in the bowl on the table. I hadn't yet put them down properly when his arms wrapped around me from behind and pressed my back against him while I felt his lips on my neck. "Are you?"

"Wow, Ben. That's your personal record for screwing up the mood," I commented simply as I tore myself away and went back to shopping. "How could I have done that? I'm not the Holy Mother Mary." It wasn't as if neither of us had a love life, on the contrary - and we really enjoyed our time together. The fact that Ben's idea was so unlikely was simply due to a stupid accident during a mission about a year ago, which left him unable to have children, and with that I also threw away my desire to have three children.

"It was just a joke, my darling," he said, a little annoyed, as he took the noodles out of my hand and put them back down to pull me close to him. Our eyes met and the next moment I felt his hand on my cheek. I knew what was coming and closed my eyes before his lips met mine. Only two minutes later my mood was much milder and I forgot about the conversation with Sam for a moment. "What's wrong?" he asked me gently as I snuggled up to him. He just knew me too well. He always knew when something was bothering me and he always knew how to distract me from cloudy thoughts.

"I met Sam. He said something I can't get out of my head," I objected with a sigh. For me it was enough. Not by a long shot for him and I noticed that because he asked. "He wanted to know why I was avoiding him. He said I was being unfair to him."

"Which you definitely do." I pulled away enough to look him critically in the eyes and was about to say something back when he put two fingers on my lips with a mild smile. "Yes, I know how much you suffered from his disappearance. I also know how much you still do it to this day. I've seen you struggle with it all these years. He was your best friend and it's not his fault that this happened to him. Yet you punish him as if he did it specifically. Do him and yourself a favor and rekindle your friendship. You are not the same Penny I met at the beginning."

"You don't know what you're saying, Ben, and if my new self bothered you so much, you never should have had anything to do with me," I simply replied, shocked that he literally drove me into Sam's arms.

"You haven't changed that much. You've just become a little... more thoughtful and I love everything about you - the old Penny, the new Penny. You're good the way you are and it doesn't matter if you want to stay as you are or give the old Penny another chance - I will always love you because you are simply perfect." He gave me a kiss on the forehead before looking me in the eyes again. "Make your peace with Sam. You've been given a second chance. Use it."

"Ben, please...I don't know if...I..." My voice failed me. How could he force me to do this? Couldn't he have guessed what that might mean if I found out Sam had actually loved me...maybe still loved me? I know that Ben trusted me implicitly and I also knew that he thought I was an extremely strong woman. But did he also know that I wasn't strong or worthy of his trust when it came to Sam?!

"YOU will do the right thing because you always do the right thing. You're a heart person, not a head person, Penny. Stop showing Sam, and everyone else for that matter, a side that you don't handle well. That's exactly why you'll get no more happiness than his disappearance did back then." That was all he said before leaving me alone in the kitchen to check on the kids in the living room.

As I made dinner, I thought about not only Sam's words, but Ben's words as well, and I knew that they were both right in their own way. Still, the fear remained that I would hurt one of them no matter what I chose.

I went to bed that night with a headache and woke up with it again the next morning - which wasn't surprising since I hadn't been able to sleep very much, let alone restfully. I still said goodbye to Ben warmly that morning. I would be alone with Mira for the next three days. My parents would be picking Leon up from daycare today at lunchtime, where he wanted to spend the weekend at his request. I was a little afraid of it. Leon would have been an alibi I could have hidden behind - a good reason not to go see Sam. Mira didn't talk much yet. She wouldn't be able to reveal anything, no matter what she would find out if I did.

My day, on the other hand, didn't go well. No matter what I tried, it went wrong. Luck was in no way on my side today as my thoughts kept circling around the question of what I should do next. Everyone was telling me to reconcile with Sam, but my mind still resisted, silently screaming at me to stay away from him if I didn't want to make anyone unhappy.

But I knew one thing for sure: I couldn't go on like this anymore. No matter what I did, no matter what I tried, it was pointless. I couldn't stop thinking about him and I couldn't help the fact that Sam was obviously not only drawing my eyes to him, but also drawing me to him. I had to see Sam. I needed to talk to him and hopefully that would help me better deal with this whole situation when everything else backfired so badly.

To be continued...