The car ride home from the bar was quiet. Usually when granted the chance to ride in the car with Miko, Tate and Ren would fight over who got the privilege of sitting in the front seat. They would always call for shotgun at the same time, and the argument over who called first would escalate enough that Miko would refer to the whoever sat in the front the last time and tell them it wasn't there turn. 

Tonight, they didn't fight over it. They both willingly sat in the backseat together. After Ren ran out of the bar, Tate didn't want to leave her alone. When he found her on a bench outside of the bar she was holding herself, trying to find some sort of comfort in her own embrace. Tears wrecked her resolve again, and Tate tried to hold her together to. He hated seeing her like that.

They were halfway to Miko's when she finally broke the silence. 

"What are we in the mood for? Pizza or wings?"

"Not hungry." Tate muttered defiantly to which Ren rolled her eyes and responded for him.

"Pizza. Part cheese for me, and Tate likes pepperoni."

"Nothing for me. I'm not hungry."

"Well Akira and Darling love pepperoni so if you change your mind we will have some."

Miko glanced at Tate through her rear-view mirror. One arm was held firm across his chest like he wanted to cross them, but his other arm was occupied and outstretched to clasp with his sisters clutching hand. He rested his head on the window, looking out of it moodily with his face in a permanent seeming scowl. Miko called the pizza place and put in an order of two large pizzas: One pepperoni one cheese. 

Ren looked at her brother, giving his hand a slight pulse. He responded to it with a squeeze of his own, but otherwise he didn't budge from his broody position. She knew he was hurt. He loved his mom. Despite all the times she came home drunk, or left for days at a time, or forgot them at bars and on the side of bad streets, he still loved her. He still had hope for her getting better. He still believed she loved them too. 

Still, Ren is his little sister, and he would protect her against the world, and Ren knew that. Even before she identified as a girl, Tate had been protective; squaring up to anyone that had something to say about his effeminate twin brother. She knew it must have confused him to hear such hateful words come out of his mom's mouth. 

When the car stopped and Miko got out to pick up the pizza, Ren spoke.

"I'm okay Tate. I promise I am."

"Yeah. That doesn't make what she said okay. I should have said something"

"You wanted to make sure that I was okay and I needed you to be there for me. Miko had your back anyway." Tate finally looked away from the window and at Ren and she could see the tears that were on his cheeks.

"You didn't deserve that." He said looking Ren right in the eyes. "You're her daughter she shouldn't say stuff like that. I don't know how to protect you from her and I hate that." He shook his head and rested his head back on the window.

Miko's roommate Darling and her boyfriend Akira were both splayed out on the couch playing video games when they arrived to her flat.

"If you go in there you're going to get killed and I won't avenge you. I will sit here and laugh and say I told you so because I told you so and you never listen." Despite Darlings words, Akira must have done exactly what she told him not to because the sound of gun shots rang out and Darling sat back teasing "I told you so dipshit." Akira tossed his controller and stood to greet his girlfriend and the kids at the door. Ren watched as Akira came to Miko for a hug and a kiss and couldn't help wishing that they were her parents. A totally kind and functional couple that were committed to one another and so young and domestic. 

He kneeled down to Ren offering her a hug like he always does when she comes over, giving here these sympathetic eyes like he knows she needs it. Like always she accepts feeling secure in his hold.

"You'll be alright princess. Don't you worry about it." 

"Promise?"

"I'm sure of it." He presses a hand against her cheek then stood to go ruffle Tate's hair and drag him over to try out the new game. Tate was reluctant at first, but video games were his kryptonite. No matter how angry he was at the world or Nina, video games always had a way of breaking his resolve. Ren stuck to Miko's side and followed her into the kitchen to set down the pizza. 

"Think if I leave an open box of pepperoni pizza in front of Tate he'll eventually eat some?"

"He's a sucker for some pepperoni pizza." 

"Every boy is at some point in his life. Pizza and video games. So barbaric." Ren giggled and Miko left her for a moment to put the pizza box out for the boys and Darling. Ren took the alone time to open up the large box of cheese pizza in front of her and start chowing down. She hadn't realized how hungry she was until after that first bite of pizza past her lips. She was small, but she could definitely put away half that box on her own. 

She tried to remember the last time Nina remembered to feed them. It hadn't been a full week which was considerably good for her mom who could easily leave for more than a week without resurfacing and checking in. Still it had been a while. If her school didn't provide lunch every day, Ren and Tate would have starved years ago. However shitty school lunch was, it did keep them alive. Miko came back looking quite proud of herself.

"We were right. Watched him scarf down a whole slice and a half in minutes." Ren nodded in approval. Joining Ren at the table, Miko sat and took a slice of cheese for herself. "You thinking about somethin?"

"Yeah, I guess." Ren glanced back into the living room where her brother just seemed to be having the time of his life hanging with Akira and Darling, eating warm food that hadn't gone bad. He was happy right now. Why couldn't she feel that happy too? It just didn't seem fair. "I'm just glad that we have a family here even if we don't have one at home." 

"You know Akira and Darling and I will always be here for the two of you. We love you guys. You know that, right?" 

"We know. It just sucks that we only get to have a family after everyone else has abandoned us. You three are it for us. It's the only love we'll ever get."

"Ren-"

"No, it's true and you know it too."

"Your mom loves you two. I know it doesn't seem like it and she doesn't say it much, but she loves you." 

Ren looked a Miko and wondered if she knew a Nina that wasn't hooked on drugs and that cared about her body or somebody else. Ren certainly didn't. Tate didn't either as much as he tried to fooling himself into thinking otherwise.

"Nina doesn't love us. You can fool Tate with that because he still believes but I know better than to believe that she could care about anyone. Herself included." Ren didn't mean to make Miko so sad, but she sat there with deep pity in her eyes. Ren had to look away. She hated being so aware of her life as well. She wished she could still have hope like Tate does, but she just doesn't. 

Ren stood and went to join her brother in the living room and watched as everyone played video games together; laughing and yelling at one another. Miko didn't follow. She stayed in the kitchen until she decided it was time for the twins to go to bed. She felt for Ren. She wanted so badly for that girl to feel loved and cared about and for her to stop feeling such mature feelings at such a young age, but she knew there was nothing more that she could do outside of what she does for the twins already. 

Tate and Ren lied on the couch together in the dark like they usually did when they stayed at Miko's after Nina had forgotten them or came back too messed up to be in charge of children. It was an all too familiar moment that happens over and over again. The moment of silence in the dark in Miko's living room gave both the twins this feeling of Deja-vu. They would wake up the next morning and go with Miko and Akira to get bagels for breakfast. They would send the twins off on a school bus and in the afternoon, when they took the bus home, they would have to fend for themselves again. And they'd both have to pretend it was normal until they ended up back on this couch. 

"Do you think mom is okay at home without us?" Tate asks into the silence. He had fun playing video games with Darling and Akira. Almost so much fun that he could forget his mom, but he didn't. She was always there in the back of his mind. He liked to think that's how she felt when she was out at parties or getting high and drunk. He liked to think that no matter how much fun she was having, she thought about them in the back of her mind hoping they would be alright. 

"I'm sure she's doing just fine without us. She's probably sleeping like a rock."

"Yeah. With that whistle snore she does whenever she goes to sleep high."

Ren tried to imitate the sound for her brother hoping to get a laugh out of him. It worked. He laughed softly and snuggled deep into the blankets. 

"Go to sleep Tate. We have school in the morning." Ren didn't get a response. She assumed he was already asleep. She too tried to get comfortable and doze off but every time she closed her eyes she saw her mother's red sunken ones.