Title: Demon Heart
Author: Chaosimsystem_
Reviewer: summerwitch_

This review was edited by willow-wrxtes

Cover:

The cover speaks for the entire story. You have chosen a red heart with dark veins slithering around it as the cover's main subject, which I believe was a unique and enticing choice. Most "angel and demon" stories that you can find feature a winged creature, and you opted for a different approach, which helps your book stand out. The text is easy to read and is properly placed at the bottom, but I feel like there's something missing for me; that otherworldly feeling isn't really coming across for me. Just as a suggestion, maybe you could put a figure in the background - a demon - and you could make that figure hold the heart to emphasize the cover's message.

Title:

The title is precise, short, and apt. It fits with the message the cover wants to put across, giving the readers an idea on what the story may revolve around. I was really intrigued while reading it. It was in the fourth chapter of the book that I finally found out its relevance to the plot.

Blurb:

You have done a good job at giving the reader enough details about Ambrose and Thea, the setting, and the possible conflict that both of the characters will face. However, what you should know is that - in addition to introducing the characters, setting, and conflict - you are providing a sample of your technical writing to the readers, which can affect their impression and urge to try out the book. There are a lot of grammatical mistakes that should be fixed, and I will elaborate on those more in the "Grammar" section of this review.

Plot, Flow, Originality:

Demon Heart is a supernatural-fantasy book that follows the story of Ambrose, a demon prince, as he tries to find a suitable wife in Lucifer's order. And it all began in Prologue, where we find the prince flying across the dimension. Now, this is the part where I start to crave more description because it would have felt great to connect myself to the world. You could have described what happened as Ambrose passed through some invisible barrier that separates Hell from Earth. You dived straight into when Ambrose saw Thea walking alone in a park towards a dark figure which turned out to be one of his father's demons. This part is where it all gets interesting because now we know that Thea is a demon hunter. But it seems like the prince has taken it as a challenge and now he has taken an interest in the girl despite knowing she's a threat. Their differences prove to be quite a challenge since technically, they are supposed to be enemies. However, it would probably be great to show us what Ambrose thinks of Thea at that moment. "I have to go, but I will be back! I want her, and I will get her," is what the story says. What makes Ambrose want her? What makes him decide that it is Thea, a demon hunter, who he wants to become his wife? Does he find her challenging? What is his purpose; might he have some agenda aside from finding himself a wife? Perhaps he has a twisted desire to punish her or to haunt her?

Moving on, I see that the First Chapter just picked up where the Prologue left off, only this time it's in Thea's perspective. A prologue is typically an event that happens before the main story. A prologue can usually be connected to the main story only after reading more of the book, and to be quite honest, I do not understand why your prologue is necessary because the first chapter picks up the story immediately after the prologue in the timeline. Now, as Thea hears someone's scream, she rushes out of the house. She almost catches Ambrose, but luckily for him, he was able to take off before she saw him. It's odd yet interesting how Ambrose actually possesses a white-feathered wing when demons are usually seen with black wings in the media. But if the demons in your world can have white wings, won't they be mistaken as angels? I'm interested to learn how these demon hunters can tell angels apart from demons.

Disguised as a transferee named Adam, Ambrose follows Thea around school, making no attempts to be discreet. This gave me the impression that he actually wants to be noticed. I feel sorry for Thea because this action is awful and creepy. Now, enough with how I feel about Ambrose's actions. Let's talk about how Thea feels. I suggest putting variety in describing how she feels about the situation. There are numerous times she described it as a "creepy feeling." "I don't like him, he still gives me a creepy feeling," "He looks very handsome for the creepy feeling he is giving me," or "And did I have not imagined the creepy feeling about him?" Maybe you can expound the word. You can rely on sensory descriptions so readers can actually empathize with the character. Are her hands sweating? How fast is her heart rate at that moment?

By this time, Thea is starting to have a suspicion about Adam (Ambrose) being a demon. Personally, I wonder what makes her think this. There should have been something else - solid evidence or perhaps a physical manifestation - that would confirm that he is indeed a demon. So far, Thea's judgment is only based on her assumptions and she doesn't really have any proof of him being one. There could be any sign. For example, one can recognize a demon if they see their eye color change when reflected by the sun. Or you can make Thea wear a cross or a talisman, and if Ambrose can't get anywhere near her when she's wearing that, that would strengthen her "suspicion" of him being a demon. It's totally up to you as a writer. It could be anything. It's just the same as how one would recognize a vampire by their pale skin or inability to walk under the sun.

The story moves at a steady pace, but it is how the prose is executed that disrupts the flow. Now, in Chapters 4 and 5, things are getting interesting. This is where the title, Demon Heart, finally makes sense. Ambrose has done something he should never have done. And with his brother a witness, they have to keep it from Lucifer. Somehow, after doing the "forbidden," there are some parts of their senses and abilities they shared with each other.

I do really think you've got a cool concept. You've given a different approach with this whole Ambrose–Thea pair. They aren't mates, but simply, the demon prince has chanced upon a hunter girl in one fateful night. The conflict would, of course, stem from their differences. Thea is a hunter and to be wed to a demon would be a shame to her family's honor. There's no way of knowing her family's reaction would be, but I think that is something they would not take lightly. And if Lucifer learns about this, well, that would be pretty bad because he might rise up from his throne to hunt them down.

Character and Setting Development:

The male protagonist, Ambrose, is an active character. He is the main driver of the plot and the catalyst for the conflict. Thea, on the other hand, has a weak character portrayal. To fix this, I would put her in scenes (or rewrite the scenes) where she must make a decision that will change the course of the story. I would build strong inner logic and create realistic characters readers can care about/relate to. If Thea's character had been more fleshed out, I'd be rooting for her and stick around until her story comes to an end.

There was not much character development this early in the story. In the latest chapter I've read though, I can sense that there's something about to change in their interactions.

There's still the mystery of how Thea's family got involved in the demon hunting business, and there hasn't been any mention (in the five chapters I've read) of her mom. So, this might be a good character backstory to help us understand her character and motivations more. And that can be said with Ambrose's family too. There are a lot of versions and retellings of Lucifer and Lilith, so I'm quite interested in your version and how these two characters influence the two protagonists' future actions.

Grammar and Other Technicalities:

I found the story a bit hard to read because it contained only the dialogue layer and simple sequences of actions. Your characters walked up to each other, exchanged dialogue, picked things, went to another place, ate, etc. It was missing the layers that help readers become connected to the characters. Building in some of that three-dimensional feel and emotional connection would be something I suggest you give a shot to.

There's work to be done with the grammar. There are several missing punctuations, misspellings, confusion with tenses, etc. Description is also rather sparse, so there's plenty room for improvement in this department.

I suggest reading what you have written aloud, so you would know where you should put a "full stop" or a "pause." That can really help when writers want to know how their story sounds and if it rolls off the tongue smoothly.

Reader's Enjoyment:

The book is interesting and it makes me curious to learn how things will play out. Though I didn't feel a deep connection with the characters, I believe in the power of improvement, and I would love to read this book after it's been worked on.