Author: TheWordArtistBooks

Book title: Mystical Words

Reviewer: starisredy

i. Introduction and Disclaimer

- Hey there, 'The Word Artist'! I've read only one chapter in your book, "Mystical Words." Namely, 'The Secrets of Emmattagon.'

- Quick reminder that I will not touch up (only nudges, if necessary) on the basic technical aspects of your book (grammar, spelling, punctuation, formatting). But I will touch everything else that falls under the flow of the writing. You can find this part in the third section of the review (iii. Writing Flow).

- Disclaimer: Everything I say here is my personal judgment based on my experiences. These are all my opinions on what I think will make your story better, but that does not mean you need to follow every suggestion I make. You can dismiss or heed any part of this according to what you think will improve your story. You are the author of this story and the only person to decide what is best for it.

ii. First Impression

- Your cover looks amazing. It feels very fantastical, and its color scheme is easily captivating. The background and the subject (the book) along with the purple swirl effects combined cleanly appears as one whole, and I like the seeping darkness from the corners, as it gives this a darker and mysterious vibe. The font family for the title works well, but the ones for the subtitle and the author's name are unreadable until you zoom into it. I will suggest something simpler for them, especially the author's name.

- The title is also very fantasy-ish, and it tells a reader right away that this must be some kind of collection. It's simple, effective, fitting, and paired with that cover, it pulls the audience in to check out what's in store in this mystical short story collection.

- As this is a collection, the requirements for the blurb differ from the usual. It should be informative (in a way that informs this is a collection of short stories or poetry) and concise. You'd simply want the readers to have a vague idea of what to expect, and you did that well here. Your first sentence speaks volumes in relation to the title, and it sparks intrigue. The following sentences then were informative and short—exactly what should be expected of a short story collection's blurb. No additional unnecessary information, and really just simple and direct enough.

iii. Writing Flow

- With your use of language, this one-shot is easy to read, and not at all confusing. The pacing of the events doesn't feel too slow, though sometimes a little fast, which makes perfect sense with the main structure, since writing an entry often gets you jumping from one important event of the day to the next. While there is some not quite necessary information in between here and there, it doesn't ruin the flow because that's how random we sometimes write in diaries.

- The transitions work well in between days because of the way the story is structured as diary entries, but while the transitions of events within an entry are decent and work just fine, I feel there could be more in how Emmatt changes from one event he's writing to the next. I believe it has something to do with his character voice (see 'Characterization').

- Now, for the structure of some paragraphs and sentences, I have quite a number of things to say, but like the one regarding Emmatt's character voice, they fit more into a different section (see 'Description'). But there is one thing that pulled me away from the story briefly: the paragraph when Emmatt declined the two other dragons' request to play a game with them. Though I get this is a diary, it is still jarring when dialogues from two different characters are in a single paragraph. For that, the only real solution is to separate them. Instead of:

(Original) So, of course, I refused. "Sorry mate, but no thanks," I declined his offer politely. However, to my surprise, the blue dragon burst out laughing and told his friend, "See, I told you he would say no!"

- I would do:

So, of course, "Sorry mate, but no thanks," I declined politely.

However, to my surprise, the blue dragon burst out laughing and told his friend, "See, I told you he would say no!"

- Notice how that is not only easier on the eyes and improves readability, but if you will notice, I deleted some parts. The reason for that is the redundancy of saying he refused, followed by his dialogue of refusal, and then followed by the narrative telling us he declined. It's all the same thing. As for why I deleted the 'I refused' part, it's because of how the story is structured: like a diary. So to start with 'So, of course,' is to spark the expected response Emmatt knows anyone reading his diary is expecting, following it up with how he responded, and then finally with the indication of HOW he said it: politely. The 'his offer' is redundant because we already see that he is being offered, so naturally, his response, whether it's a yes or no, is an answer to that offer.

- Other than that, most of them (paragraphs and sentences) are structured just fine. Not perfect as I see some of them may use more separation, but it works. There are a handful of other sentences, but we'll get to that in the next section.

iv. Description

- I find myself picturing the scenes and settings quite vividly despite not much of a showcase (it will be quite odd for him to describe too much of it in his diary when it's the 'norm' for him, so this is understandable). The way Emmatt rambles about how the sports (e.g. skyding) work, followed by his opinion of it ('[...] is really hard!') makes it feel natural, as we see through this that he finds it hard and he may not be a fan of the sport. This method works well for sparking imagery within the readers, because through connecting how something works with his experience of it without dumping its mechanics and whatnot, and only using his voice, makes you see it through his eyes. Well done on that.

- On the flip side, some description (the ones that move the story forward) feels more like the events are currently happening instead of something that has already happened. This is not always a bad thing while you're writing in past tense, but in this case, it may be that way due to the diary format. You'll want the events here to feel vivid and real, as if we were there when the events written down happened, and experience the same things as the owner of the diary did.

- Firstly, filter words. If you aren't aware, filter words are verbs that follow the subject (in this case, 'I', as in Emmatt) in the narrative, and it gives a certain distance that reminds the readers this is a book and you are reading, watching the character's (or characters') journey, instead of being pulled in as if you are experiencing what the characters are experiencing first-hand—as if you are the character themselves. Examples of these in your narrative are 'I saw,' and 'I noticed.' To begin with, with the main structure (diary format) you are going with, filter words are excusable, but that doesn't mean they are excusable 100% of the time. Because of this, the character Emmatt feels distant not just with the readers, but to his own diary as well.

- With that said, I'll be listing the ones with filter words in the story that pulled me away (since some of them fit and feel just right to be there) from the story, followed by suggestions on how to make it better.

> 'Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw two dragons, a white and a blue one, whispering to each other and gesturing to me.' I will suggest changing it to something like 'Then, out of the corner of my eye, a white and a blue dragon gestured towards me, whispering to each other.'

> 'I quickly averted my eyes to my timeline of [...] and pretended not to notice the dragon.' to 'I looked away and pretended to read my timeline of [...]'

> 'Turning my head, I saw a medium-sized blue dragon, Avonlea from [...] ' This one feels more of a run-on sentence with the amount of commas separating the clauses instead of ending the sentence and moving on to the next. I will suggest just that, and something like this: 'I turned my head to Avonlea from the Aqua Wings clan(this can be shortened to just her name as well and without the clan name), a medium-sized blue dragon. She strode towards the two bullies who scoffed, but shrank back slowly.'

- If you notice, in my suggestions, I don't only remove the filter words, but also alter a few arrangements, but I don't change much other than that to make sure the narrative still fits your style. The main reasons for the ones I altered or removed are due to the redundancy that only makes the sentences longer, or adverbs that don't really add anything.

- Finally, 'show, don't tell.' I know this phrase may be tiring to read or listen to already, but it's out there for good reason. It can be altered in many ways, and 'telling' definitely has its place, but there is one part (forgive me if I missed more of them) that resorted to a 'telling' that doesn't make sense. It's this one: 'I noticed the others seemed to look up to him.' Not only does it have a filter word ('noticed'), but it also tells us the other dragons look up to one in monocles. How? How did Emmatt come to the conclusion that they look up to him? I highly recommend removing this passage and replacing it with describing the way these other dragons behave around, look at, and/or speak to the monocled dragon. Then maybe adding a little 'Do they look up to him or something?' Which easily shows us Emmatt's curiosity as he notices the way they move around the monocled dragon. This will not only make this scene more engaging, but also believable, as these can instantly convince the readers that the one in monocles is well-respected.

v. Creativity

- This short story has quite a unique concept. The idea of a teenage dragon writing in a diary, starting off as someone who can't find a clique or place to belong to, and eventually finding it within the book club later on. Though the events seem mainly mundane, as it is the records of a simple teenager's life, it isn't boring.

- So, while the plot isn't entirely original, the interesting take on the race of the cast and resemblance to places and/or events that happen in real life are the ones that makes it different. In its entirety, it is a simple, short, and easy read.

vi. Characterization (and Development)

- Many side characters in a short story are usually just there for one or two purposes (sometimes even more), and whether they pulled it off or not is the question.

- The characters mentioned in the first entry, in Emmatt's point of view, keep making him do something he doesn't like and making fun of him for it. These characters are never mentioned again, but their brief interactions with Emmatt introduced us to Emmatt's conflict with himself. So I'll say they did their part. In the second entry came bullies and a savior. This entry showed us what Emmatt's life is like outside of his family, which is worse. The characters in this entry amplified the feeling of belonging nowhere in Emmatt, but part of me feels this passage is quite lacking. The girl, Avonlea, helps out Emmatt, but we have no idea why she does. Maybe she's just nice, but part of me feels off about it. The same goes with how the rest of the dragons around them laugh along with the bullies. That part makes Avonlea appear as the only dragon (other than Emmatt and the book club members) who isn't mean for no reason. Maybe some dragons choose to ignore what's going on, or throw pitiful faces at Emmatt, but do nothing to help him. This gives a variety and a more realistic portrayal of the scene.

- Then we have the final entry, where Emmatt met the book club members. This part feels the most lacking because other than the monocled one, the rest are pushed to the side and only act as extra numbers. I will suggest Emmatt somewhat describe each of them in a possibly exciting manner, because I'm sure it dawned on him that he may have found his people. I'm not too sure on that, but I will definitely write about the new friends I've made that have the same hobbies as me with excitement.

- Finally, we got Emmatt himself. His voice feels lacking, though not throughout the book. There are parts where his voice does show and it feels very much like a teenager looking for somewhere to belong. But I'm not sure what to make of his personality and character through his voice. I think the main reason why his character voice feels flat is due to the lack of reactions to things that may have intensified his emotions when those events happened. Small moments count, too. Like the part where he eats something from McDuck's and he seems to be fond of it, but he doesn't show any excitement into eating it other than quickly tearing off the cover. Or the lack of expressions of tone during the dialogue exchange in the third entry when he first met the book club. As this is a diary, I understand the limitations, so the best way to improve his voice can be the addition of multiple remarks on the things that happen to him, or letting us know how he feels during these events without outwardly telling us what the emotion is. Maybe his stomach aches during the bullying scene because of the annoyance or melancholy seeping through him then, or the way he wants to fly away in shame after being saved by a female dragon. Things like that.

vii. Dialogue Analysis

- This area feels a little off, too. Not entirely, but some dialogues, mainly from the bullies and Avonlea. The one from the bullies doesn't feel strong and impactful enough to manage to encourage the rest of the dragons around them to join in. And the ones from Avonlea, especially her last line to Emmatt, feel too familiar. Some people speak familiarly, but the way her words come off is as if it's that easy to simply call her if Emmatt needs it. It also feels as though she looks down on him, too, and doesn't believe he can grow to defend himself instead of relying on her or on others. Maybe changing her tone and dialogue here into encouraging him instead of telling him she'll be at his call will not only make the dialogue flow better, but also improve her character.

- Another one that slightly makes me confused is how Emmatt straightforwardly says 'Hey, can I borrow that?' and how the monocled dragon offered him to join them, using 'if you don't mind.' I think the latter can be improved by instead saying 'If you'd like,' which makes the monocled dragon seem more considerate, warm, and welcoming. As for Emmatt asking to borrow the book, I will suggest he first possibly go over how excited and surprised he is in his diary about discovering the book, and then proceed to try to borrow it. Maybe something along the lines of 'Are you done reading it? Can I perhaps borrow it?" Which expands courtesy and makes Emmatt's character more consistent, since it is mentioned in the second entry that he declined the offer to play a game politely.

viii. Other suggestions

- The 'Hey, you. Come and join ma/my team.' isn't a question but more of a demand, so I'll suggest replacing the dialogue tag 'the blue dragon asked' to something else. Demanded, suddenly said, or the dialogue tag can be more of the blue dragon's expression when he said those words.

- The 'The blue dragon flexed his abs [...]' This bothered me. If Emmatt is looking at his timeline and pretending to look through it during this scene, how does he know what the blue dragon is doing? It may help to add how exactly the blue dragon flexed his abs, and then go with something close to 'I shifted my eyes for a second, only to see the blue dragon (insert the action he did that shows us his flexing)' The first part of this gives a ground to how Emmatt will know. The answer? Because he decides to take a peek.

ix. Final Notes

- There are little to no expressions and only body actions. Expressions such as facial ones and voice tone help give the narrative and dialogue emotion. While behavior and actions, and thoughts also provide for interesting characterization, don't forget about the rest of the things that show emotions.

- The descriptions can be improved not only through removing redundant and filter words, but also by exploring the senses of the character. It adds to what can make a scene, a passage, a line, or an introspection feel more real to the readers.

- The title of this short story sparks curiosity in what the secret is and/or who or what Emmattagon is. I surmise that the secret this is referring to is his diary, or the book club behind the shelves. Either way, it's not bad.

- Don't forget that these are all my opinions and just one person's lens through your story. Either way, I hope you enjoyed reading this review and learned something from it! Thank you for choosing me to review a chapter of your short story collection!