Brynn

The people who said Bio-Chem was one of the worst majors weren't completely wrong. I've always loved chemistry but this is absolute hell. The amount of studying I have to do to keep my grades where they're at is insanity. Luckily, I have a study group that gets together twice a week. I don't come all the time but when I do, it's very helpful. We all do our homework together and ask each other for help where we need it. Since I didn't have cheer practice today, I decided to attend.

I flip through my worksheets, filling out the information about a lab we had a couple of days ago. This assignment has to be turned in before six pm today.

"Hey Luke, did you fill in question 23 already?" I ask one of my classmates. I met him during the first week of classes and we have two classes together so he's one of the first people I always ask for help. He's also extremely smart. He nods. "Need help?" he asks. "Please," I say. I hand him the paper of my lab recordings and he looks over them. He explains to me what he wrote in his. I can't copy word for word what he said because one, that's plagiarism, and two, we recorded down different numbers meaning our experiments was not the same.

"Thank you," I say with a smile. He nods, "No problem."

I spent the final hour of the study group completing my lab with the help of my fellow classmates. When it's over, I quickly put my things in my bag and stand up to go. "Hey, Brynn." I turn back around at the sound of Luke's voice. "What's up?" I ask, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "Uh, if you ever need any more help on Altman's assignments you could ask me? I think we work. . . well together," he says with a chuckle. I nod. "Yeah, definitely. I will," I smile, "thank you." He smiles at me one last time before walking out of the building.

I pull my phone from my pocket to see a text from Novalee.

Novalee: hey, are you available for lunch with chris & i? :)

Me: sure, just got out of study group. where should i meet you guys?

Novalee: killian's!

Me: on my way!

When I arrived at Killian's, Novalee and Valdez were already waiting for me. Chris scarfs down his food like there's no tomorrow and Nova and I laugh. He covers his mouth with his hand before speaking. "What?" he questions, his voice muffled from the food. "You're eating like it's your last meal," Nova says. He shakes his head and picks up his glass of water, taking a drink. "I haven't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon," he tells us, "this is my hangover meal."

My eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "Wow, so you drank last night, then?" I ask. "Yeah. Cgc actually get us, might as well have taken advantage," he says. Nova rubs his back. We both finished our food a couple of minutes ago. "And how did practice go?" I question. He wipes his mouth with his napkin. "I only threw up like three times," he admits. Nova smiles and I laugh. "And Cgc?" Valdez looks up at me. "Oh, he was fine. He didn't drink at all last night so he was laughing at Rhys and I the whole time," he scoffs, "bastard."

Nova smacks his arms lightly. "How was the rest of the night after I left?" I ask. I haven't had a chance to talk to Sabrina or Cgc yet, so I have no idea what conspired between them after I decided to leave early. "It was the same. We didn't go upstairs until about three in the morning," Nova groans. "What about Sabrina? Did Cgc end up giving her a ride home?" I question. Nova nods as she takes a sip from her iced coffee. "He took her home around 1, I think?" Nova glances at Chris who nods. "Yeah, around that time," he agrees. I nod in understanding.

I wonder if the two of them continued to spend the night together or if she hung out with the rest of the girls when I left. I guess she'll probably tell me about it at practice later.

My skin itches at the thought of what they could have talked about for hours. I left at around ten which means they were alone- possibly - again for another three hours. A lot of talking and feelings can form within three hours. Why do you even care, Brynn? I almost cringe at my thoughts. With the number of real friends I've had in my life, I can't say I'm an expert at friendships. But I have always been protective of the real friends that I have made. I want the best for them and I want them to be happy. I want those things for both Cgc and Sabrina.

It's why I'm so worked about this situation. I don't think they're a good match especially since I know - or I thought - Cgc would never give the time of day to a freshman. Sabrina deserves someone who's not going to leave her hanging and Cgc deserves to be with someone he wants to give his time of day to. Ergo, they're not a match. I want them both to find happiness, I just don't think it's in each other. I'm protecting Sabrina more in this case since she's younger and a lot more vulnerable than a lot of people know.

"It's sooner than I thought, actually. Alex told me Valerie told him that it'll possibly be sent by the end of the month," Nova exclaims, her nose crinkling up. Valdez smiles and wraps his arm around her shoulders and kisses her temple. "Sorry, I zoned out. What are we talking about?" I ask, my cheeks flushing a bit. I used to zone out all the time and while I've gotten better at not getting lost in my own reality, it still happens. "Remember I told you guys about the trailer to the first season of 'Life's A Mess' yesterday? Well turns out the trailer will be ready sooner than I thought, maybe towards the end of the month," Nova quips. I smile, feeling quite excited for her.

"I can't wait to see it!" I say honestly. She smiles, placing her hand on her heart. "Me too. I hope it turns out good enough to make people want to watch the show when it comes out," she says. "The synopsis sounds very interesting, I'm sure people will tune in," I tell her. Valdez nods in agreement. "Plus your pretty face will be another factor in why that show will do fucking amazing," he says. Nova blushes, tucking a strand of her brown hair behind her ear. "I'm so proud of you," he adds. I've heard him tell her that countless amount of times. It warms my heart but also takes me back to one specific moment in my life.

The time when I only ever cared about one person's opinion. If Ryle was proud of me, then that's all that mattered.

4 years ago

"Brynn!" my mom shouts from downstairs. I'm pulled out my empty thoughts at the sound of her voice. It's too early on a Saturday to be up right now at the ass crack of dawn but here I am. Sleeping early is good for me but it means I'll wake up early which means having to spend more hours in the day awake. I sigh, throwing the thick comforter off my body. I slip on my sandals before walking downstairs. "Yeah?" I say as I turn into the kitchen where she sits on the barstool and waits for me.

She has a big smile on her face which confuses me almost immediately. I notice that she hides something behind her back. "I went to the mail today," she says. She pulls out an envelope from behind her back. I know what it is instantly. My letter from Stanford, my dream school. I applied about two months ago without even thinking about it. They have one of the best biochemistry programs in the US. When I applied for it, I knew I was taking a huge leap. Getting rejected from your dream school has to be one of the top ten worst things possible and I just knew that if applied, I wouldn't get in. Still, my big head let me apply.

"Oh," is all I can say. She holds it out for me, "Open it." Her voice comes out in a whisper. I inch closer to grab it. My mom covers her mouth and waits for me to open the letter. If I get in, I'm not sure I'll attend. Yes, I've always dreamed of going to Stanford, but Ryle won't be at Stanford. That's the equal of my whole life not being at Stanford. He'll be across the country in Miami, where he is at this very moment. I already applied to the University of Miami and got accepted. It's where I want to go, my second choice. But Stanford. . .

Getting into Stanford would be huge. My biggest accomplishment up until this point in my life.

I take a deep, shaky breath before opening the letter slowly. I drop the ripped envelope and unfold the paper inside. "Dear Brynn. . ." my voice trails as I see the big bold letters under. I breathe out a breath I didn't realize I was holding in as I look up at my mom. Her green eyes flit around my face. "I actually got in!" I say, jumping up and down from pure excitement. My mom hugs me quickly and kisses my head. "I'm so proud of you, babe. Let me see," she says. I show it to her quickly but snatch it back from her. "I have to show Ryle, mom! I'll be back!" I say before running back upstairs.

Luckily my dad and other two siblings are out grocery shopping right now so they can't distract me from my mission of telling my boyfriend that I got into the most unimaginable school ever.

I grab my phone quickly and press Ryle's contact to call him. The line rings about five times before his sweet voice fills my ears. "FaceTime! FaceTime!" I say as soon as he greets me. He chuckles, "Okay! Okay!" He mocks me. I press the FaceTime button and he answers quickly. My smile grows even bigger - if that's even possible - when I see his face on my phone. He runs a hand through his short, blonde hair. "What is my girl jumping and screaming about?" he says. "Guess!" I quip. "Hmmm," he hums, trying to take an actual guess. "You're coming to see me?" he says. I roll my eyes playfully. "No. I wish. Guess again," I say.

"I don't know, babe. Tell me, I can't wait anymore." I clear my throat before pulling up my acceptance letter to the screen. He narrows his eyes and brings the phone closer to his face. I giggle. "What's that? I can't see well," he says. "My acceptance letter to Stanford or whatever," I say calmly. "What!? I'm sorry did you say acceptance letter?" He pipes up. "Yes!" I reply. He laughs and starts 'whooing'. "Look at my fucking girl go! Baby, I told you you'd get in!" he says. He shakes his head. "I'm so fucking proud of you, Brynnie," he adds. My heart and soul and the rest of my body warm at his praise.

He's the only person in this world that could say that to me and I turn into absolute mush. Everything that comes out of this mouth makes me that way though.

I throw myself on my bed and hold the phone up above me. "I applied thinking I wouldn't get in and well. . . I was wrong," I say with a laugh. "I knew you'd get in. You always think so low of yourself, baby. They'd be stupid not to fucking accept you. You deserve this more than anyone, princess. I love you," he says. My cheeks flush at his words. I wish he was telling me them in person. "You're amazing. I love you more."

"Brynn?" Valdez's voice snaps me out of my thoughts this time. "Oh, uh, maybe?" I say. I have no idea what was said to me. He chuckles. "I asked if you could give me a ride home. Xan dropped me off and Nova was supposed to give me a ride but we just realized she has a class in ten," he says. "Oh! Uhm, yeah. Of course," I say with a nod. Nova smiles before standing up. "I'll see you guys, later," she kisses Valdez quickly "Love you. Bye, Brynn." I wave her goodbye. "Love you too, babe," Valdez replies before she leaves. "Let me get the check and then we'll bounce," he says.

After we pay for our food, I give Valdez a ride back to the townhouse.

"Hey, you alright? I noticed you zoned out for a bit back there," Valdez asks. I'm not surprised someone finally noticed it happen. "Oh yeah, I apologize. I've just got a lot on my mind, I guess," I admit. "What's going on, Brynn?" he asks, shifting his full attention to me. I don't feel uncomfortable telling Valdez about how I'm feeling. He and Nova have been the two people I've gotten closest to behind Cgc. I pull up to a red light and take a deep breath before speaking.

"I don't know if Cgc told you about what went down between us," I start. I haven't heard anything from any of our friends on the matter. For all I know, Cgc didn't tell them about what happened better him and I. Valdez nods, "If you're talking about the almost kiss, then yeah, I know." Well, that saves me from having to tell him myself. I nod. "I've just been thinking about it a lot ever since it happened and I feel bad. I'm not ready to date someone let alone kiss anyone! But Cgc isn't anyone, he's. . ."

"Cgc," Valdez and I say at the same time.

I sigh. "Exactly. I don't think I've told him this but I haven't dated anyone since I broke up with this guy I dated my freshman year. And by dated I mean I haven't even kissed anyone! I feel like I've hit reset on that part of myself," I explain to him. He nods, taking in what I've just spewed out. I press on the gas as the light turns green again. "Is that why you didn't kiss him back? Because you haven't kissed anyone in a while? Because you're. . . scared to maybe?" he asks. I shake my head quickly. "It's not exactly that. I just don't know if I'd be able to return the feelings he feels for me. The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt him in the process of discovering if I can even feel anything for another guy again," I confess.

He furrows his brows. "You don't think you'll be able to feel anything for anyone? Ever again?" His voice is laced with confusion but also curiosity. It's difficult to explain why I feel like I won't be able to open myself up to romantic feelings anymore without telling him the full story. It wouldn't make sense to anyone in fact. They'd all tell me that I'm young and that relationship from almost four years ago was merely my first love. After all, we all have those right? If you're lucky, your first love will be your last. But if not, then there's always a second chance at love.

I haven't taken that chance yet.

"It's more complicated than it sounds, but yeah. I don't want to hurt, Cgc. It's why I didn't kiss him. But now every time I look at him, it hurts me. I feel like I hurt his feelings and that was never my intention," I say. "No, of course, it wasn't. Cgc can handle rejection, I promise. Plus, it didn't really alter your friendship, right? You guys are still getting along really well?" Valdez asks. I've been a little bit more on edge around him just because of it all. I don't want to say the wrong thing and mislead him but at the same time, I don't want to have to change who I was to be around him. It hasn't been entirely the same, but not dramatically different either.

Our relationship has definitely changed, I just can't pinpoint what changed on my side because I know what changed on his.

"Yeah." I nod. "Then don't be stressing yourself out about it anymore, yeah? I bet Cgc would kill you if he found out you were worrying about that situation constantly. He's way past it already. You should be too, Brynn," he says as I pull into the driveway of the townhouse. I put my Jeep in park and nod. "You're right. I'll try my best to forget. I don't want my mind to be the thing that comes between my friendship with him," I reply. He chuckles. "I'm sure your mind won't be the thing to come between your friendship. Trust me," Valdez says, opening the car door. My brows pull together in confusion.

"What's that mean?" I ask him. "Nothing." He gives me a smile before getting off the car. "But remember. Let. it. Go," he says, pouting a finger at me. I give him a thumbs up. "See you later." I return the short goodbye and he scurries inside.

Well, that certainly wasn't weird.