Brynn

I get off the driver's side and shut the door before opening the door from the backseat. I get the bouquet of light blue flowers and then walk a couple of feet into the part of the cemetery where Ryle was laid to rest a couple of years ago. I'm surprised that I'm the only one here but his grave is decorated with a couple of things that look fresh. A couple of happy birthday balloons and lots of flowers sit pretty around him. I place mine next to some red roses, fixing it up so that looks just as pretty as before.

"Happy 22nd, Ry," I say as I stand back up from fixing the flowers. Tears brim in my eyes already and I let a couple slip. It's New Year's Eve, also the day Ryle Grayson was born 22 years ago. This is the reason I didn't go to the Orange Bowl game with my friends and Cgc in Miami. Since we've known each other, I've only missed one of his birthdays. His 19th birthday which was only a couple of weeks before he passed. We were broken up and while he was here in Los Angeles, I stayed back in Miami.

I've spent these past three with him, here. Schools out by early December so I would come back home to Oak Hill with my parents and then make the drive here on this day to spend his birthday with him and his family. Like I said, I'm surprised that no one is here right now. I hope they'll come back soon since I know they've been here already. "I'm supposed to be in Miami since my friends are playing in a bowl game there, but I couldn't not see you," I say softly. "I know I haven't visited since the summer but I'm doing good back in Oak Hill. Can you believe I actually go to school there? I enjoy it more than Miami," I admit to him.

I never intended on going to the University of Miami. I only did it because Ryle was going there. There was nothing left for me there when he passed but no matter how much I wanted to transfer, I couldn't. Until I finally did. I'm proud of myself for taking that step and I'm so happy I did too. I've never been more content with my life than I have been these past couple of months. The amazing people I met here have helped with that.

"Uhm, Oak Hill made it to the Orange Bowl for the second year in a row. They lost last year but hopefully, we can get it this year. Some of my friends are football players so, they really want to win," I tell him even if he might not be hearing me. I hope he is. I sit down on the ground in front of him. It's cold here since it is late December, but it's not completely terrible. "I actually miss you like crazy, especially on your birthday. I remember we used to spend today doing the dumbest things ever but it was always so fun," I laugh at certain memories of us ditching everyone else and spending the day. Just the two of us.

I miss him so much, but no more than a friend. There were days and years where I thought I'd never get over Ryle, but I never thought I was going to meet Cgc. He took me by surprise and just swept me off my feet. He's the only guy I could picture myself with in this life. I've never met anyone who just completely understands and wants me as much as he does. This past month and a couple of weeks have been amazing. With him, with our friends. My life couldn't be any better. I feel like shit thinking that as I'm right here in front of Ryle. I wish he was here to see how happy I am because I know he would be beaming for me. I know he's beaming right now, watching down over me.

Because of everything, I didn't tell Cgc it was Ryle's birthday. Even though I know he'd understand, I didn't want him to feel like I choose Ryle over him. That's exactly what I did. I regret my choice now — about not telling him. I should have been upfront with him about it. I don't know why I haven't realized that I should just be honest with him from the start. He was good about the me not being able to go to the game today. He was also good about when I told him about my dream.

Do you ever have a dream that's not really a dream, but a memory? I didn't know those were possible until Ryle passed away. I would wake up in cold sweats after having a dream — or a memory — of a specific moment. The day we met. Our first kiss. Him cheating on me his freshman year of college. Our first time. Then there are dreams that are so realistic I almost think he's talking to me. Like he's breaking some rule and coming to meet me in the middle of life and the dead.

That night, I had a dream that Ryle knew. He knew about me and Cgc. He knew I had slept with him and was angry about it. He said I betrayed him and broke the promise I made to him. I'm not going to date anyone anymore. Not after you. That promise I made him all those years ago was now broken. He said he hated me and would never forgive me. Before I could respond, I woke up. I cried because it felt too real. I thought he was really mad at me and I didn't like that. I had to remind myself so many times that it was just a dream. A very realistic dream. I have those all the time so this one wasn't any different. I just don't know how Cgc would have reacted to it and I didn't want to ruin our moment from the night before.

It's why I stayed quiet. But he deserved the truth and I'm relieved he reacted the way he did when I told him. He wasn't upset. He understood. He always understands me.

"Hey." I turn my head at a sudden voice. My whole body tenses at the sight of the girl in front of me. How did I not hear anyone pull up? I stand up from the floor quickly and wipe dirt from my butt. "Uhm, hey," I say, my voice tight. Beth walks up to Ryle's grave with flowers of her own. I stand back and watch her. I remember I used to be jealous of when she'd show up here with something for him. That was horrible of me now that I think about it. She knew him just like I did and they were friends.

Still, it sucks seeing the girl the love your life left you for.

She fixes the flowers on his grave just like I did. I swallow the lump in my throat as I wonder how long she's been standing there for. I'm not surprised she's here but I am shocked we happened to be here at the same time. After all these years, Ryle's family still don't know that we broke up twice. They know Beth, but she tells them she was a friend. I wonder why she never told them but I don't question it. It's better that way even if it's a big lie. Both my parents and Ryle's deserve to know the truth about what went down between us. The only reason I never said anything was because I felt like it was a story for Ryle and I to tell together. But he took it to the grave and for him, I will too.

"Happy birthday, Ry," Beth whispers. I stand off to the side a bit awkwardly. I haven't seen her in months and to be seeing her here, is a lot. "Uh, I'll give you your time alone with him," I say and start walking back to my car. "No!" she says, catching my attention. I only turn my head back towards her. "Stay. I'm leaving. I just came to leave those," Beth says. I look at her shortly before nodding and walking back. She glances down at his tombstone once more before turning to leave. I don't look at her as she does. "You know," she suddenly says, catching my attention.

She looks at me with tears in her green eyes. "He always loved you," she says, her voice softer than usual. She blinks back tears and so do I. Hearing that from her is crazy. Never did I ever think I would talk to the girl he left me for let alone her say that to my face. I nod my head quickly. "I did too," I say. She looks at me like she wants to say more, but decides not to. Beth glances at him once more before getting back in her car and leaving. Once she's gone, I sit back down and tears slip down my cheeks again at that moment from just now. My phone rings in my pocket, distracting me. It's Maddy.

"Hello?"

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Nothing, gonna get busy soon though."

"We'll miss you here. Cgc does."

"He's probably upset."

"Maybe. He'll get over it."

"I hope they win so that he can't be mad at me. I'll definitely be at the National Championship game."

"I'll keep you updated, yeah?"

"Please do," I say. "Got you, I'll talk to you later then." We say our goodbyes and I shove my phone back into my jacket pocket. "That was my friend, Maddy who I'm still shocked is my friend. We didn't get along for a while until we did. She's pretty. . . cool," I say truthfully. Her friendship was the one that surprised me the most but I'm glad we worked through whatever stupid problem we had. Or should I say the "problem" she had with me? Which was nothing. She apologized and I accepted it. We pushed it behind us and I'm glad it stayed there. I like her a lot so I'm happy we're friends now.

"Can you hear me?" I suddenly whisper. "Speak, I won't say anything." I always do this, every time I come to visit him. To hear his voice once more would mean the world to me. I see him in my dreams occasionally but you can't hear in your dreams, only see. Of course, I get no reply. Just the sound of the balloons swooshing in the wind. "Yeah, well you better be listening, dude. I'm here telling you I miss you and stuff."

Nothingness.

My heart still breaks at the fact that I never said goodbye. I never told him that I don't hate him. I never told him that I would be okay even if it was a lie. I never told him that I loved him one last time. They say your life flashes before your eyes before you die. If that's true, I hope he saw me once before passing. Even if he died alone, I was in his heart and he was in mine. He still is. I wipe the tears under my eyes. "I love you," I whisper. It doesn't hold the same meaning as it did when he was alive. But I still mean it one hundred percent. Ryle Grayson will always be a part of me.

"Brynn!" Another familiar voice hits my ears. I turn to see his family. The six of them. His mother, father, two sisters, and two brothers. His littlest sister, Macy, runs to hug me. She's thirteen but stands around my height, only a little shorter. "Hi," I say to her, wrapping my arms around her tinier body. I haven't seen them since last year on the same day. I've been bad with keeping in touch which aches my heart right now as I see them. They all care about me and love me and I return the sentiment. It's just hard to see them sometimes.

"Hi, guys," I say to the rest of them when Macy lets me go. "Ryle, Brynnie's here!" Macy exclaims to her brother. I hug Allison, Ryle's older sister, tight. She and I got along so well and I didn't realize how much I missed the Grayson's until now. "I'm glad you're here," she whispers. I nod my head as tears slip down my face. "Me too," I say.

The seven of us spend two hours in the cold rain for his birthday. I punch myself in the face internally for not keeping in touch with them as much as I'd like. I thank them all for letting me be here with them before I leave. I make a mental note that I'll talk to them as much as possible. Because days like this make me remember that we never know when our last day might be. These people are like my family, I've known them since I was a kid so I can't just let them out of my life completely. Ryle was the reason I'm attached to them and even now that he's gone, that attachment is luckily still there.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶

When I get back to the hotel I got for a night, I don't waste any time getting all my things together. I made a plan to see Ryle today because there was no way I wasn't going to, but there was also no way I was going to miss my friends playing at the Orange Bowl. I bought a ticket just yesterday so that I could be there with them. I'll land at around halftime so I won't get to watch the full game, but hopefully, I'll be there for the ending when they either win or lose.

I know how much it means to Cgc and I just want to see him play and hopefully be happy once they win. If they win. I can't jinx anything yet. "Okay, is that it?" I whisper to myself, glancing around the hotel room one last time before exiting the room. I checkout quickly and then start for the airport which is only ten minutes away. My flight leaves in less than an hour since I was at the cemetery a little longer than I thought I'd be.

When I board the plane, it's 2:00 pm. The game starts at 6 and I'll be there around 7 maybe 8. I just hope and pray that I'm there before the game finishes. "Time please be on my side," I say to myself as the plane starts to take off.