Good Morning Hoomans

I'm in a very good mood today,

I feel confident and I feel hope,
Hope that I may belong somewhere else,
I'm not going into detail, no way I'm that stupid..

All I can say is,
I feel like part of something again,
That's bigger than any new car or holiday abroad.
It's a bit scary actually,
I don't think my mind has ever been so determined,
To make the best of it...
I'm just going to pinch myself,
It's too good to be true...
I don't get luck like this often...

I never expected something to effect me,
In such a good way,
But it's really scary at the same time.

I am a very complex creature,
I have extreme OCD and rejection issues,
Recently after a so called soulmate,
I'm having the worst time ever!
My Future was shattered over the space of a few nights and I lost my home.

But somehow I'm smiling again,
I'm having really bad moments throughout the day still,
But they will get less,
The pain will subside into laughs soon,
Its conflicting to say the least,
I feel Bi-polar in character

I never knew the radio could upset me,
I never knew I would not be able to watch Fraiser, EL Raymond or 3rd Rock from the Sun without crying my eyes out.

I thought he was my Niles,
And that I was his Daphne,
Oh, how I was wrong...
I think Eddie the Dog was more human,
After time to look back and reflect.
Fucker has ruined cheers for me tooo!
He will never be my Ted Danson,
Never be my Sam...

I thank him for all those memories and experience we had over those years..
It truly means a lot to me,
Yes it hurts like death, I am paralyzed from your departure and selection.

Unfortunately though Baby,
I know now,
That it was just going to happen,
No matter how much we put the blinkers up around our view.

You know I never really ever had a family,
I've always had to do it on my own Boy!
I made a good job of it too before I met you,
I am the female version of Hunter S Thompson,
Ever so independent but crazy...

I know you did love me deep down,
You still do too as you won't let me go,
All my life possessions are with you,
In our "home" that we built together,
From under the ground up haha,
We even designed the entire place...

But you never put my coat racks up,
They sat on the stairs for years...
They are still sat there now, I bet.
Petty to some but not too me,
You put everyone else's needs first.

Life is about the little things,
Like dancing in the rain together and getting soaked,
Making the other laugh with jokes, compliments and tickles,
Leaving little love notes and gifts to keep the other feeling loved,
Even cheap flowers from the garage...

You only attempted that for the first 3 years,
I can see it now, the time we lost whilst actually being in the same room.
You became so serious in life, everything was about the paycheck.
I understand cash rules everything around us as WU Tang state.
But I am not like that, I feed from nature and energy..

I've never,
I have never wanted the fastest car,
I have never wanted a mansion,
I have never wanted to be famous,
I have never wanted to be rich..
You want all of that..

I want a beautiful home,
On top of a hillside,
Surrounded by Trees and fields,
For as far as the eye can see..
Even a little river flowing throughout the valley for us to splash in when it's warm..
A wishing well in the front like I had when I was a little girl, so all are wishes can be made. A beautiful array of flowers and plants we have selected ourselves.
With a beautiful fire pit in the center, for us to make Smores on when it's cold.
Also I am building a tree house and a hammock for you to chill in..
The house will have roses growing all around it, flower boxes on the window.
Aside the fire pit maybe a little swimming pool, we have dug out and filled ourselves..
And I would be grateful of that,
Thats all I have ever wanted.
My little box on the hillside, it was your dream too if I remember so.
You said when we went away for my birthday that year, you wanted it too. After spending that time together in the cabin around God's Green Garden, smack bang in the centre of Wales.
You could see what could be, if life was not capitalistic and it was not a show off comp.
But I know your not part of that plan anymore.

I have never had stability or permanence.
I have never had a family.
You were my Plan B, to make me live again.
And you did,
But only for a few years Baby until we lost our Little Bear.
I look at her photo at my bedside every day and night, I even kiss it and whisper thankyou to her.
She reminds me of when we were happy, before the evil seeped in. The bad shit came through the cracks, that we had created.
Cracks from mental torture and violent abuse to both of us.
But I always loved you, you knew I had no chance with your family.
Being tainted black as I am from my own is painful enough as you know.
I struggle to sit through weddings, any family gatherings a struggle as you know.

This is why we were trying for a baby the last year and a half you dick!!!

You have ripped my security from under me, using your mother as a puppet.
The bitch had what was coming to her.
No one grabs my hair, unless I fucking ask them too!
How dare she then proceed to smack me across the back of my head, I have tinnitus for fucks sake.
She may be 5.8 and I only 5.3 but she got put down didn't she. I'm probably the first person the put her on her ass her entire life.
She is a fucking bully living the Stepford wife dream and a control freak.
You want to know where you get it from..

I gave you twelve loyal years..

Your not getting another second

And I STILL forgive you,
I'm human see Penjeco,
You killed my love for you,
I know I'm not you Puto anymore.

I will always love you though for spending so many years on the planet together.

Also Enter Shikari
I will always love you for taking me there to see them in 2017 November time.
And my Bday weekend 2018...
Best 72hours of my life, you made me feel like a queen, you did sometimes..