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Inner Demon

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Author :: _Lyla_BTS_

Reviewer :: Kim_eats

First Impression :: 9/20

» Cover :: 2/10

The picture used for the cover matches with the demon theme. However, it is very messy and just not very attractive. The cutout could have been smaller and the font used for the title could be changed as well. I see that the 'Inner' is written in red and it's nice to include the different colour but it isn't visible, nor is the size correct. I would suggest changing the font and size of the font. And also, rather than the picture overlapping the title, it'd be better if it's visible and catches the attention of the readers. 

» Title :: 4/5

The title matches the story perfectly. I wouldn't call it a unique one but it gives a perfect idea of the story. Though, at first I thought it was going to be about Taehyung's inner demon but it turned out to be Y/N which is good for a change. 

» Blurb :: 3/5

The blurb is quite interesting and the perfect length to grab one's attention. But there are a lot of grammatical mistakes in it. I will cover those in the grammar section below. 

Beginning of a new start :: 4/10

The starting scene was about a nightmare and I really liked it because such scenes immediately draw the reader in. Your description was good too but the overall effect it could have delivered was nullified by the amount of grammatical mistakes and no paragraph changes. 

I also thought the chapters were a little too short and lacked description. If you just describe the scenes a little more, it'd help a lot. Introducing Taehyung in the first few chapters was a good idea and then the involvement of the rest of the members as well. However, I think it was too fast paced and the events kept happening one after another. There wasn't proper building of the story. 

My tips for you would be to make your chapters more descriptive. When you start describing the scenes well, your chapter length will automatically increase. Also, don't be too hasty to give content. Build your plot slowly, showing how each character affects the overall story and what their role is rather than just trying to include everyone just for the sake of it.

Concept and plot :: 18/25

You can never go wrong with the fantasy genre and your plot too is just as nice with your own twist. I was really impressed with the concept and it has potential. Just work on the description part and it will be perfect. 

Characters and emotions :: 5/15

So, your main character is obviously Y/N and from the cover, it seems that Taehyung is the main male lead but in execution, it's more like an OT7 fic rather than a Taehyung fic. 

For the emotions part, it was all really vague. I just had to go with my interpretation of the whole scene rather than your words. Again, description makes a big change. I would have liked to see the emotions developing slowly and the bond between the eight major characters develop slowly. 

There's also the point of the relationship between Y/N and Taehyung. There isn't a steady buildup or base for their relationship and Taehyung just suddenly takes her on a date and starts behaving like her boyfriend. It'd be better if you showed more interaction between the two of them before reaching the dating point. Just focus on going slow and include more interactions to build up the story. 

Tone and style :: 4/10

You used the 2nd person pov, which is always the best when it's a Y/N story. I however, didn't like the tone all that much. Sure, she's cold and all and you tried including a little humour but it still lacked that element that keeps you wanting to read more. For me, it was more of the plot that had me reading more rather than your writing style. 

I'd suggest you read good books, not Wattpad books, but the published ones to see how exactly a book keeps you hooked and take some pointers from it to include in your writing. You can learn a lot from reading published books which are edited and have a good story.

Grammar :: 5/20

Like I previously pointed out, you need to work a lot on grammar. There were a lot of mistakes. 

First and the most noticeable one was using no space after using a punctuation mark. After using a punctuation mark, use the spacebar. It is not only grammatically correct but it also looks neat and clean instead of cluttered. 

Second; paragraph breaks. Don't write a whole big ass paragraph. When you change time or location: Whenever you skip forward or backward in time or move from one location to another, start a new paragraph. Or if a new dialogue is being spoken, you can change the paragraph. 

Third was shifting from 2nd person pov to 1st person pov. So, pay a little attention to that. 

Also, I feel like you have a general idea of what dialogue tag is but you aren't using it properly. You've been including a comma after the dialogue is completed. I'll show you an example. 

Your way:

"Where are you going?",she asked.

Correct way:

"Where are you going?" she asked. 

You use a comma only when there are no other punctuation marks used and the sentence is complete, within the double quotation mark and followed by the dialogue tag. 

For example:

"I'm going to school," she said. 

She said, "I'm going to school."

Also, pay attention to the tense and you'll be good to go. Take help of apps like Grammarly to avoid mistakes or you can also put the autocorrect mode on your keyboard if you are using a mobile phone. You can also ensure there are no mistakes if you use Google docs for writing. Read articles to help, because everything can't be covered only through one app or guide. Study well and keep on collecting new information because English is a vast language.

Extra Note :: I hope this review helps you see where you are going wrong and helps you improve. Also, please take this positively and always keep improving yourself. 

Total :: 45/100