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Love ends in Death
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Author :: yoonminJM

Reviewer :: btsluvvesper

First Impression :: 2.5/20

The first impression is always the best impression. Though based on your works, I can't say the same. That's because : 

» Cover :: 1/10

The cover is the center of attraction to have readers for your story. It should be attractive and related to the plot. However, your cover was not something I would say, good. It just felt like it's there just because it has to be. 

Your cover was quite messy; the placement and blending of Yoongi and Jimin's faces were not well done. It seemed like the pictures were thrown over each other without any intentions of giving it a proper look. 

The font used for the title was not a good choice, it doesn't go well with the cover theme. Also, it seems like it was randomly placed without any accurate alignment or spacing. 

You also don't have any author's name on the cover, and every author wants their writing credit displayed on their cover. And it's also necessary, otherwise, your cover seems like an orphan without an identity. 

Last but not least, your cover neither portrays your plot nor was it attractive enough to urge me to read the book.

Overall, your cover needs a whole revamping. For which, I would suggest you take help from a professional or simply go to any graphics shop and ask them to make a well-suited cover according to your story. Then you are all good to go.

» Title :: 1/5

The title is something for which a story is known for. It should be on point with the concept of the story. But, in your case, I can't say it was related to your plot yet. 

Firstly, your title kind of gave me the wrong impression when I read it the first time. It suggests — Love ends once you are dead. Without reading it again and again, I wouldn't have gotten the idea behind it. 

Also, your title actually couldn't portray your idea because of your way of writing it as well. As mentioned before, it gave the wrong idea. The title somewhat seemed like more of a fact to me than a simple line, "Love will always end you with death". And that will give people wrong ideas about love if you don't explain or interpret the pros and cons of love properly in the book further.  

After that, you used unnecessary "_" before and after the title for absolutely no reason. Perhaps they're just for aesthetic purposes. But, you don't see a real book's title using unnecessary punctuations for aesthetics, do you? Therefore, avoid doing it next time.

The relation between the title and plot was zero to me so far as it didn't show anywhere where it suggests the "Love Ends in Death" term. Thus, you need to choose a title that is more relevant to your plotline and is displayed well along with the storyline.

Thus, follow and fix up the mentioned things, and your title would be more relevant and appealing. 

» Blurb :: 0.5/5

Now, firstly, I want to ask you. According to you, what is a blurb of a story? That's because I believe you may not exactly know what it is. But, don't worry, let me help you out. 

A blurb is a short description of the overall story. And by reading a blurb, we usually get an idea of what the story will be about. It should have a conflict or suspense and suggests that the further story will be about resolving the conflict and such. Sometimes, we can also give an unrevealing extract from the main story and create conflict by our own words. 

By now, you can guess that your blurb didn't fulfill the mentioned things. Your blurb was too short and didn't have any interesting spice to invite me to read the book. 

There are grammar mistakes as well. Sentence construction needs more attention and it's confusing as well. And we also don't use any emoticons or emoji signs while writing a blurb or synopsis.

I would recommend you to change your blurb, keeping in mind the things told. Keep it at a decent length and make it interesting and alluring. Make sure it's also related to the theme.

Beginning of a new start :: 1/10

The beginning of any story is crucial and tough for many authors to keep the readers entrapped for the further chapters. And if you ace it, you surely will leave a good impression about your book on the reader. 

But, honestly speaking, I really wanted to leave the book after reading your prologue. There are many reasons to say this, which are :

First of all, the grammar was quite bad to start with. Tense inconsistency, sentence forming, punctuations… In short, everything was wrong. I will be explaining more in the latter section. 

Up next is writing style, it was very confusing, and your dialogue delivery and structure were wrong. More explanation will be given in the respective section. 

The prologue was too short and was started in the middle of the characters' intro which was very unattractive. I couldn't understand a single thing that happened in the prologue. I mean, why is this thing there? For the prologue, we usually keep the important or highlighted parts, that too without revealing much. 

You wrote about Jimin walking down the stairs and meeting a drunken man. That's it. The end. There was nothing that would make me read further. 

And again, the use of emoji and underscore (_) for no specific reason made it more unappealing. 

Even the beginning chapters were too bland and left me with no interest to read the book further. Also, the part you used in the prologue was mentioned in the first or second chapter as well. Then, what was the point of giving it in as the prologue? Not to mention, you missed some parts and words from the prologue while rewriting that in the chapter.

Thus, the only thing I can suggest is — come up with something that's hooking and relevant to the plot. For the prologue, write something that is more highlighting and makes some actual sense to be called a prologue. 

Concept and plot :: 8/25

The plot wasn’t something new, most of the things were predictable so far. I can’t say anything about the concept, because your title and the plot till now don’t suggest the same. Therefore, I really don’t know if I can say anything about the concept. Even if the story is a common one, I could see a tiny bit of conflict and suspense somewhere hidden. In that way, it’s good.

Then, if I talk about the pace, it is quite fast. It's very fast-forwarded. It has been barely a day or two and Yoongi is already claiming Jimin as his. Then, within 2-3 chapters they are doing sexual intercourse without even knowing each other’s name properly. Here, it also suggests how unrealistic the story is. 

The fact that Jimin was living and loving the person who kind of forced himself on him is totally a nonsense way of thinking. Also, Yoongi and Jimin both acted out of their characters which ruined the whole mood of the story-setting.

The plot execution is everything that makes the plot stand out among other such plots, and to be honest, your plot execution was very bad. You may have a nice plot and concept but your way of executing it is not good enough for it to be called well-executed. Thus, in many places, your story was unclear and often made no sense. Therefore, no matter what, good execution is what makes a plot, a good plot. Apart from the execution, your writing style ruined your plot as well. Again, I will explain it in the latter section. 

Altogether, you need to work on your execution and ideas more. I would recommend to plan the main plot first, and then slowly execute it according to that. For each chapter, pre-plan the things you want in that certain chapter and then start writing according to that. In that way, you will be able to showcase your ideas and plot nicer and more organized.

Characters and Emotions :: 2/15

The characters and emotions are an essential part of a story. Without these, the story is as good as dead. Both things are connected. 

Speaking of your story, I didn't find any proper description or introduction of the characters, let alone their emotions. Just mentioning them by giving a pic of theirs with a few one-line details doesn't count as a proper introduction.

Moreover, some characters just appeared out of the air. For example, Taehyung and Jungkook are there without any introduction or description. Nothing. For Jungkook, you just went like "Bunny Boy". I am an Army, that's why I know you were talking about Jungkook, but what about the readers who don't know KPOP or BTS? They won't know who is who unless you give proper information about them. Even for the main leads, there was no proper information given.

As mentioned before, Yoongi acted out of his character. He is mentioned as a "cold" person. But nowhere in the book suggested that he is like that. On the first day, he tried to flirt with Jimin and called him "his" and acted like his boyfriend. Then, how is he a cold person? A cold person is not supposed to talk or care much about others, let alone a newcomer. 

As for Jimin's out-of-character behavior, it was staying and trusting the person whom he didn't know much about and who also kind of forced himself onto him. Well, if we want to find logic and realism, then there is none. No way would I allow a stranger to barge into my house, let him do whatever he wants with me, and be totally okay with it. That's so unrealistic, isn't it? Just because Yoongi is the lead, it doesn't justify the things he did.

About the emotions, they were described very little to nothing at all. I could barely catch any feelings or emotions. You told me the emotions, you didn't express them which was needed in many places. Two of the main reasons for not being able to do so were lack of description and poor writing style. 

All in all, I would say to make the characters realistic and justified enough to go with their deeds and given personalities. First, work on the characters and then slowly put the emotions accordingly. 

Tone and style :: 2/10

The writing style is basically the identity of the story and author. Without a proper writing style, no matter how good of a plot you have, it's of no use. 

Your writing didn't have any proper style. You started with 1st person point of view, and in the very next moment, you skipped to 3rd person point of view. You constantly changed your writing style from narrative-descriptive to scripted style. You never followed one fixed format. 

As you are using a 1st person point of view, the narrative style gives more access to writing in that case. It allows you to write from the character's point of view, allowing you to present foreshadowing, flashbacks, etc. The descriptive style also helps as you can overall describe everything with tags and literary devices. 

The same goes for 3rd person narration, but in this case, you can have more scope for describing each character and situation thoroughly and in a more detailed way. 

But, as for scripted style, it's kind of incorrect to use scripted style while writing a story. We use scripted style for plays and dramas, not for stories. Hence, using it in your story made it feel like I am reading a play or something, which I believe I'm not.

Up next, the tone and vocabulary were utterly bland and amateurish. You didn't follow a constant tone or style—as mentioned before—your choice of words and phrases were wrong in some places. 

For example, there was this line, something like, "Uhm sir, a doctor is coming to exam the patient." 

It's wrong because we can't exam a patient. Rather, we can examine a patient. Thus, it should be "Uhm sir, a doctor is coming to examine the patient."

Hence, the use of the right word is very important while writing. Otherwise, it would make no sense. 

After that, the absence of description spoiled many scenes. You didn't describe anything properly, that is why your plot, characters, and emotions got sabotaged as well. The writing style is what makes the readers visualize the story more. And as you lacked in explaining, I couldn't understand anything clearly, let alone visualize them. 

Not only do you lack description, but you also didn't have any new or rich uses of any words which was needed in many places. An enriched vocabulary helps make your writing stand out more and sometimes attracts people who are willing to enhance their vocabulary. It does not only help the readers to learn and know new words, but you as well.

However, there is this thing as well, that is using new and unique words doesn't mean you have to use them in every line, it can confuse many readers who are not familiar with them. Thus, you have to use them in a balanced way. 

While writing, paragraphing is always needed. Otherwise, it feels like things are happening without any break. Hence, break a whole paragraph into small paragraphs. 

Last but not the least, your use of emoji-signs (:-|, ( ͡◉ ͜ ʖ ͡◉), etc.) in between writing. Have you ever seen a piece of writing with such signs? No, because that's incorrect to use while writing. We use these types of signs while texting. Therefore, instead of using the signs, try to explain or describe the reason or expression behind those signs. Also, avoid short forms such as "dr" to say "dear". And instead of writing "Jm/mom", give the character a random name or write "Jimin's Mom".

The main things I would suggest are: Avoid using scripted style in story or novel writing, change your habit of using emoji-signs or emoticons, short forms and giving sudden character info in between your writing. Describe the scenes with a balanced tone and vocabulary, and please make short paragraphs instead of long ones. 

Once you get a hold of these things and act upon them with slow and steady steps, your writing will be better than it's now. Also, reading good quality and hardback books is always helpful. And, if you don't want to go for real books, then read some well-written fanfiction.

Grammar :: 5/20

According to me, grammar should always be accurate and perfect in order to write a story. No matter how great your plot is, without proper grammar it's useless. 

Let's be honest, your grammar is very bad. You need to focus on each and everything. I know, English may not be your first language. But, if you are willing to write, at least basic knowledge is needed. Tense, punctuations, sentence structure, spelling, these things should at least have a stable use in the writing. 

Now, I am not a teacher who can teach you from scratch. But yes, I can show you the important parts to help you.

First of all, sentence structure and tenses. In order to make a meaningful sentence, you need to use proper words and tenses. Don't switch from one tense to another. An extract : 

He was smirk and looking at Jimin. [Incorrect]

Read this line carefully, does it make any sense to you? No, because of the tense and structuring. He was smirk sounds awkward and is wrong. It can be either :

He smirked while looking at Jimin. [Correct]

Or,

He was smirking while looking at Jimin. [Correct] 

After that the wrong and misuse of ellipsis (...). Ellipsis is the three dots (...) used to show trailing off, to omit words while quoting someone, and sometimes, to indicate stuttering. 

You used it in almost every line and stuttering. It made the sentences seem breathless and unattractive. Also, you used more or less than three dots in most of the places. It's only three dots unless it comes after a grammatically correct and complete sentence. In that case, it will have its own period (.) as well. An example of your work : 

"Yes sure" I told him… [Incorrect]

There are many mistakes to point out. 

"Yes, sure," I told him. [Correct]

The comma (,) used after "yes" is because "yes" is an introductory word. And we are bound to use a comma (,) after every introductory word. The next comma(,) after "sure" is because of dialogue tag rules. Lastly, there was no need to use ellipsis as you are not showing a trail off, stutter, or omit. Therefore, no need for an ellipsis.

I just mentioned tags. And those are necessary while writing dialogues. Without them, the dialogues seem lost. And the same happened in your story. You have the tags but with no or improper punctuation for them. Let's get to know about the tags' punctuation rules to avoid the mistakes in future. Shall we?

For dialogue tags (asked, said, etc.), we use comma (,) or needed punctuation (?/!) to end the dialogue, if the tags come after the dialogue. Example : 

"We are going to have a new designer for our team," Kat said and left the chat. 

But if the tag comes before the dialogue, then we end the dialogue with a period(.) or needed punctuation (?/!). Example : 

After Riya's nagging, Ryie finally said, "Okay. I will attend the party." 

For action tags (grinned, smirked, scoffed, etc), we use period (.) or needed punctuation (?/!). 

"Irritating Fuyu is really fun." Vesper grinned at the other. 

You have comma-conjunctions issues as well. An extract : 

I saw some students looking at me and whispering and I felt a little weird.. [Incorrect]

I saw some students looking at me and whispering, and I felt a little weird. [Correct]

Or, 

I saw some students looking at me and whispering. I felt a little weird. [Correct]

Or, 

I saw some students looking at me and whispering; I felt a little weird. [Correct]

As both the sentences are independent clauses, we have to use both comma and conjunction. We can also replace the comma and conjunction with a period (.) or a semicolon (;). And again, there was no need for extra dots or ellipsis. 

Apart from these, you ended many paragraphs and sentences without any periods or needed punctuation marks. You have typos and spelling errors as well. Fix those up by proofreading. 

Grammar is kind of a never-ending process. Once you start learning and knowing about it, you will get more into it. And the more you learn and know, the more you can apply them well in your writing. 

Extra words :: I know it's your first fanfiction ever. And yes, the first time writing messes up lots of things. Even I faced it. But we learn from our mistakes, right? Therefore, take this review positively as a guide and lesson for your future works and reflect it in your writing. You surely will do better. Also, reading always helps. Hence, read good books more and more, in order to write more adequately. All the best. Thank you.

Total :: 20.5/100