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My First Sight
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Author :: Jackjeonjunkook

Reviewer :: jiminandhisjams

First Impression :: 3/20

As a whole, my first impression of your book was sincerely bad. I knew it was going to be one hell of a ride, and sadly, this is not a compliment. For you, there is a lot to hear from me, I hope you can take my constructive and maybe slightly ironic criticism.  

» Cover :: 1/10

It's disastrous. Clearly, you've put zero effort into it and just placed a random font with some Jimin photo and voila! Everything about it needs to be changed, especially the font. It's extremely (with no exaggeration) unappealing and as I said earlier, it looks offhand. 

» Title :: 1/5

Your title makes no sense, it straightaway reveals the fact that your English isn't good. "My First Sight" sounds like the person was blind and after getting eye surgery, the first thing they see is whatever or whoever you are talking about in the story. I am sure you meant something like "At First Sight", but it's still very trite. I advise you to forget this idea.

» Blurb :: 1/5

Boring, prosaic, poorly written and full of grammatical errors. There are some very unnecessary spaces between words and punctuation which is an extremely bothersome and common mistake. Why do people even do this? Is it a typo? Or do you just genuinely not understand? And this is not an insult, I too am genuinely flummoxed. 

Just from it, we know how the story goes and once again - it's a damn cliché. Your grammar makes it five-thousand times worse, so you can start with fixing that. Here is how I'd edit it if I were you, then it's up to you whether you want to follow this suggestion or not:

Ever since the first time I saw you, I fell in love. I wanted to be your girlfriend. I wanted to show you my love. I wanted to be by your side. To confess my immense devotion for you, I'll have to be friends with you first. In the end, will I be able to tell you about my feelings?

This book is a work of fiction and it is completely written by me. Please do not plagiarize my work!

As you've seen, I made it more interesting by adding some new words and sentences. I would also like for you to add why was she so in love with him from the very beginning - because writing it like this just makes it sound dumb and reasonless. Also, why is it so necessary for them to be friends first? Or why point it out? It's kinda... it makes no sense.

Beginning of a new start :: 1/10

Honestly, very uneventful, like this whole piece of writing. Here are some things I've noticed and decided to point out from your story. 

If it's their first day of college, why is the teacher acting as if he already knows all of them? If that isn't their first year of college (which would explain why the teacher and students don't introduce themselves to each other and talk so casually), you should let the readers know. Never think that these little details don't matter. 

Next, the way that she straight away falls for Jimin "at first sight" and starts questioning if he'd like her back or not, even love her, is absolutely unrealistic and moronic. It's just not how a person would think... I mean, maybe some people, but it isn't portrayed well enough if so. You don't even bother to describe Jimin, like it doesn't matter whether you want the readers to know who the guy is, no matter what, we already know. 

She just falls for him like that for no reason. Even an overly cliché description of how cute and good-looking he is would've been better than whatever the hell that is. Also, your narration is terrible, it's like you are summarizing your story instead of telling it like: "I went to school, met my friend, did this, this and this, done." - just so dull, monotonous and effortless. 

The relationship between Sarah and Y/N is unrevealed and very confusing. Initially, I thought they were sisters but then she says "the only friends you have is Jessica and me." - which is also incorrect since you should be saying 'are' instead of 'is' and that's because you are talking about two people. Then later, like many chapters later, we get a confirmation - they are friends.

The conversation between Y/N and Jimin was just so easy and shallow. He just randomly tells a girl who also just randomly walked up to him to introduce herself, nothing brings him to ask her this. Literally, "Hello, how are you? Nice name, tell me about yourself..." 

Y/N was supposed to feel nervous and shy around Jimin, yet there was no description to let the readers see and feel those sentiments. Just stereotypical things like stuttering. Also why the hell is Jimin the new guy and the one who is bringing Y/N to the library? 

Concept and plot :: 2/25

I am desolated to announce that in this book, there is no storyline. The begging is extremely cliché - a new guy arrives, Y/N falls for him for no damn reason, with zero complications they become friends and the rest is just- inexplicably bad. No offence but some chapters are useless, like chapter four. Nothing happens at the library even though it was supposed to be an exciting moment for Y/N and the readers, it's literally the first time the protagonists spend time together.

Frankly, your events are just so unnecessary, dull and monotonous. Even when Y/N's bag is stolen, the readers expected some action, but no, Jimin just ran after him and sUrPrIsInGlY knew Karate- sorry Taekwondo. Of course, Y/N is SuDdEnLy scared, even though she knows Karate and usually isn't. Later on, with the 'bullies' she suddenly forgets that she is good at Karate (once again) which is just an idiotic excuse to have Jimin save her. 

What's the point of having a character who knows Karate and throws it into the reader's face every five minutes if she isn't going to use those skills?

Overall, everything in this story is rushed, 'summarized' instead of narrated and the plot, once again, is filled with trite boring events, places and characters. We only see about three locations in the story: the school, Y/N's house and the park...

Characters and emotions :: 2/15

As I have already stated the characters are vexatious and bland. They are obtuse and stereotypical, there's really no colour to them and even when we are told Y/N's background story, it only makes the reader roll their eyes because it's just so fake, sappy and- just unrealistic as well as cliché. It doesn't aspire sympathy. 

"It's only been two days, I don't think he loves me," - yes, he doesn't because you are a freaking slow and stereotypical character who likes him for no damn reason. Like it's not even simply because he is handsome, nope, just... no reason. 

Boy 1 : " Ohhh ! You want to know, bully you . " He walked toward me as I walked backward .

Boy 2 : " Why not . We love to bully people , and congratulation ! because you are our first target. " they were explaining while I am standing in fear .

These lines are from your book and can I just say, they are ridiculous? This really makes me question if this book is a troll, really no offence. My goal is not to upset you with this review, but to open up your eyes about more than just grammar. 

First of all, bullies don't just talk like this... they don't say that they love bullying or that they are bullies. The dialogue is just so freaking stupid and unnatural. Second, this is not a case of bullying, this is assault. They beat her up and yes, this can be included in bullying, however, bullying is done continuously, not just once. Therefore, this is a case of assault.

Why is Y/N scared to make friends? Yes, she was bullied before, but in her 'background story', she is already scared of making friends, so why? Is she just shy? Does she have social anxiety? If so, once again, this is not portrayed properly or interestingly. 

When Sarah leaves, her, Jessica's and Y/N's sadness is completely unfelt. Also, later in the story Jessica and Jimin are magically friends, you didn't bother to have Y/N introduce them to each other or at least have a small narration in which you explain that it happened.

Lastly, what's up with complementing names? Literally, all your characters when they meet complement another's name.

Tone and style :: 2/10

You repeat these phrases too much: "I asked" and "I said excitedly" - especially the word 'excited'.  Also sometimes you just start the story with, "She came inside the room and said..." like who the hell is she? Five years later we figure out that she is Sarah because you decided not to tell us from the very start.

I appreciated the parts in which you tried to describe the environment or looks of a person. However, because of your terrible phrasing and poor vocabulary, it didn't work out. You need to search up more engaging words. As I said earlier and several times, the narration is straight-up bad.

Grammar :: 1/20

"I woke up really lazy, cause it's my first day of collage." - Just in this tiny, short sentence, we can see several mistakes occurring. For example, tense inconsistency, meaning that you keep on switching from past to present tense - "woke" is in past tense but "It's" is in present. Another mistake is "I woke up really lazy" this sentence makes no sense, it should've been "I woke up feeling really lazy," - something along those lines.

Next is, "cause" by itself means basically "reason" therefore if you are going to abbreviate the word "because", you have to put an apostrophe - 'cause. The last mistake is your spelling of 'collage' - this word means a bunch of pictures or whatever put together to make a collage, however, you are talking about school, so it should be spelt as 'college'.

"I woke up really excited did my routine fast which I have never done in all of my past year's ran to the living room, even ate my food fast too." - "I woke really excited" - same thing as the previous sentence. Another basic issue - the difference between year's and years, specifically the 's'. When you put an apostrophe like year's, that means that something belongs to that object. However, if you just put 's' you are putting that word in plural. I've seen this mistake more than once, so I don't think it's a typo.

"I woke feeling really excited and finished my morning routine quicker than ever. I had never hurried that much in all past years of my life. After arriving at the living room, I ate my breakfast quite swiftly as well." - this is how I'd edit this sentence because the way you've previously written it was a pure mess without commas.

"He putted..." - a mistake I haven't caught in a while, "put" in past tense stays the same, therefore you should've said, "He put,".

"We have reached to the mall" - this is a mistake I see a lot in your writing. If you are going to say "reached", then you should write it without 'to' - "We have reached the mall" or you could say, "We have arrived at the mall."

"I hanged up," - hanged is the past tense of hang, yes, but hung is too. Hanged means to kill someone by hanging them, therefore you have to say 'hung' since you are talking about a phone call. 

"I was totally mood off." - this is not how you use this expression. The only case in which I could imagine using 'mood off' is "Today my mood is off." something as such. You have repeated this in your story quite a bit so I suggest you fix it.

Total :: 11/100