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This is us, Forever
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Author :: Strwbry_Marie2

Reviewer :: btsluvvesper

First Impression :: 10.5/20

The first impression is always the best impression. If your first impression is good, then nearly half of your work is done already. But your first impression… I wouldn't say it was very good or very bad. It was so-so to me. Here is why : 

» Cover :: 5/10

First of all, your cover does look attractive and interesting, but it seems the editing and filters were overdone. The Y/N part of the cover was—in one word—awesome. But the BTS part is where you missed it. Their eyes color was quite bright, and it made them look funny. If it was lightened a bit then it would have been more reasonable. The cover is crowded too. So many people, and it's kind of disturbing.

Also, the cropping of the BTS pic was not well-furnished. They didn't go and/or blend well with the Y/N's one. The lighting needs some fixing. The color hue doesn't match that nicely. You could go with some lighter version of any dark colors, such as little blue. The font and color for "forever" didn't match at all. Then, the star thingy in the top right corner didn't need to be so big and much visible. As it was the maker's stamp, it could have been more lightened and in smaller font. The font size and color for the author's name were so small and light that I almost missed it.

Now, if we talk about the relevancy of the story and the cover, then I am sorry to say, it didn't give any hint or had any relevance with the plot. It was hard for me to guess what the story would be about. Yes, the eye color changing thing did make it seem like supernatural fanfiction but it doesn't clear or suggest the main theme of the story. And if you don't have any proper connection between the cover and plot, then, I don't think the cover being attractive even matters.

If you fix the mentioned things and try to make the cover more relevant to the story, your cover will stand out more. You can always take help from any graphics shop or someone who is good at this stuff. 

» Title :: 4.5/5

The title is fairly good. It gives off a quite good understanding of the title's relevance with the plot. As it suggests that no matter what, this is what our relationship is all about and we will be like this forever.

So, I really liked your way of thinking, in that case. However, I felt like your title was too casual and simple to start with. Also, the story genre and/or theme weren't portrayed well by it. Your story genre and/or theme is supernatural. But, your title kind of suggested a struggling romance genre. So, in that sense, your title lacked a little. 

But, as long as the title goes well with the story, conveys the main concept, and you keep it relevant till the end, you are all good. 

» Blurb :: 1/5

You were fairly good with your title and cover, but your blurb is where you lost it all. Your blurb didn’t fulfill the required things it should have. It didn’t convey any message about what is going to be there in the book. Just some random dialogues, that too, just some flirty ones, not even something that's important. This was utterly baseless.

Your blurb had no suspense, no intriguing or welcoming content. It seemed like I was watching a Chinese movie without any subtitles. I didn’t understand what was happening or what it was trying to say. Moreover, half of your blurb was filled with decorations and rankings only. I barely scrolled and the “main” blurb was over. I was met with decorations and rankings, which wasn’t pleasant at all to me.

Then, there are punctuation errors with dialogues. As you are randomly putting some dialogues without the mention of the speaker or any tags, you should end it with a period (.) or needed punctuation mark (!/?) rather than a comma (,). 

I would recommend that you change your blurb to something more interesting and relevant to the story. Maybe you can start with a revealing yet hidden and important conversation, keeping the speaker suspenseful, or you can simply present the concept of the story in your own words with some spice. It can be anything that will attract the reader and make them directly go for the “read” button. But make it relevant to the story.

Beginning of a new start :: 5/10

The beginning is one of those important things that will keep your readers hooked and make them interested or excited to read further. 

Your beginning, however, felt boring to me. I mean, firstly, they are seen on a battlefield or something like going for a battle, but it didn't exactly create any excitement or curiosity in me to read further. Two of the main reasons for that are:

1. Your writing style was so bland and confusing that even if you wanted to make it interesting and intriguing, it didn't turn out that good. Your sentence structure was kind of weird, which added more confusion and made things more difficult. 

2. Your grammar was off in many places. You changed your tense quite often, which totally ruined the mood. Thus, even if it was interesting, it didn't keep me hooked. I will be explaining more in the writing style and grammar section.

After that, your "Foreword" chapter was confusing too. One moment you're talking about Jin being sarcastic and stuff, and the very next moment, TaeHopeMin are bickering over whom Y/N gives more time to and such. Then again, in the end, Y/N becomes serious. After reading, the only thing that came out of my mouth was — "What the hell just happened?" So yeah it was confusing and low-key baseless for me. 

After that, the "Characters" chapters were extra too. You could have simply introduced the main characters rather than introducing everyone. It's okay that you wanted the readers to know about every character. But, please, leave some characters for the book too. And again, two chapters for characters were too much to me. Like, the "Foreword" chapter confused me and now two long chapters on characters were truly irritating.

Most of the characters were already revealed with some of the main information of the characters, so when I read about them in the book, with little to no proper description, it confused me and I had to go to "Characters" chapters many times to know about them and again come to the story. So, I would suggest that you lessen some characters from the start and mention them in the story.

Concept and plot :: 10/25

The supernatural or werewolf mates concept is never new on this platform. But, still, this concept is something that can be modified and turned into something creative and engrossing. So, it's okay to have a cliché or regular concept and plot if your execution is innovative. 

However, your story doesn't have that "out of the box" thinking. It was very plain and predictable in many aspects. Having more than one mate and not being able to accept it easily was quite easy to guess. It didn't create any eagerness or curiosity in me to read further as the story was giving off a very dull vibe. 2–4 chapters went on talking about Y/N's daily life and bits of her past only.

Therefore, it didn't feel like I was reading some story, rather someone's daily activities and life. 

Next, the pace of the story. It's confusing, to be honest. The story is slowly getting to the main plot, and by slow means, it is much slower to proceed with. It has been more than 10 chapters  yet only Y/N and Namjoon's bond is shown when it's a full BTS story. So, in that way, the pace is painfully slow for me. 

Yet again, the plot was going on slow mode but the happenings in each chapter were quite fast-forwarded. For instance, let's talk about the chapter of Y/N's past. It was very fast-paced. It went from; Y/N training with her dad, her dad teasing her, then her mom interfering with them, and then Boom! They were attacked, they escaped, her dad and a few warriors saved them, her dad died and so on. 

All these happened within a matter of a few minutes in a single flashback. So, you see how fast you are going, yet you are slow in terms of continuing the main plot. 

You have time, dear, organize everything at a smooth pace and then execute the story. 

As mentioned earlier, the execution of your plot's theme wasn't anything new or had any essence of creativity. Therefore, having the same "not wanting a mate, getting more than one mate, coping up with them, and then fighting against enemies" was too common. As the concept was common, your execution was supposed to be innovative. If not entirely, but at least in some aspects.

You do have a nice plot, but dull and simple execution; the confusing pace is ruining it. So, work on these things and you are good to go.

Characters and Emotions :: 4/15

There were many characters but only a few were talked about. Thus, the characters were neglected in that way. Also —as mentioned in the “Beginning” section— the main infos were in the “Characters” chapter so when they were mentioned in the book, no proper description of them was given. Therefore, the characters seemed unknown to me. 

You had descriptions for a few but again you missed descriptions for the main and supporting characters. Thus, characters felt like those inbuilt game characters; no infos about them is given but still, they are important or needed. Therefore, keep less information of characters in the beginning and even if you mentioned them before, try to describe them more in the book as well. 

The characters were a bit jumpy like their change of mood happened quite fast. One time, they were teasing and the second moment they went serious. And this shows that your characters aren't having a stable development or construction as they should. For that, I would suggest that you keep a constant flow of mood or such. Yes, you can change from one mood to another, but don't just do that very fast. Have a steady way to do so. 

The emotions were told and not expressed. I just read the emotions, I didn't feel them. The reason being you just told how the characters are feeling but didn't describe them properly. Thus, you couldn't create the emotional bond between the characters and readers in a nice way. 

Again I would say the same thing— use proper description for both characters and express the emotions. Your description and writing style are the ones that are ruining your story. You gotta work hard on them, dear. 

And how can you improve those? It's not too hard to do so. Read books, not fanfictions but some real books. And if you don't want to read books, then go for well-written fanfiction. You can also seek help from different workshops or writing clubs on this platform. They will surely help you a lot. So, buckle up and start working on it soon. 

Tone and style :: 2.5/10

Your writing style —as I said earlier— is too bland and amateurish. You didn't use any literary devices, which led to your writing seemingly lifeless. There were no feelings put into your story.

Then, the use of verbal and action tags was out of place in many places. You should mingle the tags in such a way that shouldn't bother the readers while reading. If you started with action tags, you didn't go for verbal tags for long and vice versa, thus it wasn't pleasant to read.

Again, you just narrated the happenings in the chapter but you didn't describe them, which is a big minus point, as you have a descriptive-narrative style for the book. But in some places, you did a good job by choosing the narrative form. 

Next is the overuse of proper nouns and adjectives. In many places, you went like — Namjoon did this, Namjoon said this, Namjoon smiled, Namjoon cried, etc. Don't do this. Use pronouns instead of using the name every time. As for adjectives, you could use any alternative words or phrases. 

After that, the POV inconsistency is way too much to even start with. You are going from one person to another without any warning or mentions, which is very irritating. In Y/N's pov, you suddenly started to narrate in the author's pov, then in a split of seconds, you started Namjoon's and again back to Y/N's. This is a total turn-off while reading. Proofreading is all that is needed in this case.

As the book is written in the present tense, the in-the-moment description and writing need a lot of improvements. Also, instead of using simple past tense for certain paragraphs, using simple present tense would be better, because the conversation didn't take place so far into the past.

Grammar :: 6/20

Your grammar was the last thing that would make me continue the story further. You have many things to look after in this section. Now, I can't list out all the things. But, I will go for the main and basic things. 

Firstly, let's talk about the incorrect usage of commas. You have unnecessary commas in many places. Comma has its own use and importance; it creates a huge impact while reading and writing both. Therefore, using it randomly is wrong. An extract of your work : 

Maybe he could fix this, he still had hope, for them all. [Incorrect]

Maybe he could fix this, he still had hope for them all. [Correct]

Then, in many places, you missed the comma. Here is another example of your work: 

Not to mention what could have happened to the Kim Pack in his absence. [Incorrect]

Not to mention, what could have happened to the Kim Pack in his absence. [Correct]

Next comes your tags. Tags are an essential element while writing dialogues. If the dialogue comes after the dialogue tag, then it should end with a period (.), not a comma (,). An extract : 

The other man is shocked to hear the
strong alpha beg, "Hurry up and ask me then," [Incorrect]

The other man is shocked to hear the
strong alpha beg, "Hurry up and ask me then." [Correct]

Also, if the dialogue is in a single paragraph without any tags before or after them, then also the dialogue should end with a period (.), not a comma (,). Extract : 

"I trust my beta with my life, besides I have something to ask you," [Incorrect]

"I trust my beta with my life, besides I have something to ask you." [Correct]

Also, if the dialogue tag comes after the dialogue, then the nouns after that should be written in lowercase unless it's a proper noun.

"Then, can I-i touch you, please?" He asked. [Incorrect]

"Then, can I-I touch you, please?" he asked. [Correct]

Then, you have comma splices in places too. Also, the sudden use of capitalization in an ongoing line or paragraph is wrong too unless that needs to be highlighted or is important. 

After that, the misuse of tildes (~), hyphens(-), em-dashes (—), or ellipsis(...) are there too. They are mixed in many places, so I can't exactly show extracts for all. Therefore, I am stating the use of each.

Tildes (~) are placed over Spanish n when pronounced ny (señor) or Portuguese a or o when nasalized (São Paulo), or over a vowel in phonetic transcription, indicating nasalization. We usually don't use it in English writing.

Hyphens (-) are used to indicate breaks between words or groups of words, or what you can say to indicate stuttering too.

Em-dashes (—) are used to show extra information or the cutting off or interruption in sentences or dialogues.

Ellipsis (...) are used to indicate the trailing off or when we omit things in a sentence. Sometimes used to show stuttering in dialogues too.

Then, while writing an interjection, we must use an exclamation sign (!) after them, no matter if it's in a sentence of dialogue. We should use it, which you didn't do.

You have spelling mistakes too and sentence structure needs improvements too. Proofreading the chapter always helps to avoid spelling mistakes or typos. 

For the various punctuation and grammar problems mentioned above, you can seek help from many websites, guides, and apps, like — Marriam Webster's dictionary, Grammarly, etc. There are many more educational sites for these things, you can easily search up on the internet. 

Extra note :: I already mentioned where and how you can improve. So, I won't say much about it. All I want to say is, don't be disheartened or think of me as rude. My job was to point out your mistakes and help you improve, and that's what I did. My intention was not to hurt you. Thus, I hope you will take my review positively and act upon it. Remember, we are always there to help you, so don't hesitate to come to us when you need help. Good luck with your writing.

Total :: 38/100