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Unidentified Darkness
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Author :: VArmyGhost
Reviewer :: Kim_eats

First Impression :: 5/20

» Cover :: 2/10
To be honest, the cover isn't very inviting. I see no effort in the making. It doesn't match with the story either. Yes, there is darkness and a faint shadow—barely visible—of a wolf but it still doesn't match. The font and the size of the title, the quote on the top and the name in the bottom needs to be changed. Overall, it looks very empty. I suggest you make some changes or you can also visit a cover shop. Another thing, since it is a BTS fanfiction, it'd be better to use their pictures as a face claim because it gives the readers a better idea and it's a known fact that anything with BTS gets attention, so maybe think about that too.

» Title :: 1/5
Honestly, I don't get the title at all. I mean, I get that it's a story about creatures of the night, vampires and werewolves, all that but the unidentified part just doesn't seem very inviting. Like, darkness isn't an object you can identify and well, it's just not the type of title that would be easily remembered. My suggestion would be to play and experiment with different words that suit your plot better.

» Blurb :: 2/5
Your blurb is short and gives out very mysterious vibes. However, the dialogue you used is quite common and the ellipses, which are usually in a set of 3 like this '…', before the words make it grammatically incorrect. I'll cover it further in the grammar section. But in terms of drawing in readers, I think you can do better with the blurb and make it more interesting.

Beginning of a new start :: 5/10

The beginning was very interesting. You started with a dream and such scenes often create interest among the readers to know what happens next. Ignoring the grammatical mistakes, it was all okay for the first few chapters. However, I think you should shift the author’s note you put in after the prologue before it. Make the author’s note a disclaimer maybe, so that the flow of reading doesn't break. I liked that you included a trailer for your book. It really shows the effort you put in the writing process.

The first chapter started off with Misa walking and her school kind of exasperated over how everyone around her was only focused on the debut of a new idol group, which is kind of cool and different. I feel like there's a connection of this group with the overall plot though I couldn't find it in the first 5 chapters except for the first one. Other than that, I felt the writing was too rushed. It's like you were trying to get to the main point as soon as possible without building a proper base. Like, I get why you suddenly made Misa disappear and everything else that happened with Stella, leading her to some kind of underground hunters but the time skip happened quite abruptly. There were no proper introductions to these characters, they just dropped in the story and became a part of the story.

I’d suggest you to go slow with the plot. Explain each scene properly and not just rush to the end. There needs to be a proper build-up for a crescendo before you drop the final shoe. As far as I read, I was just lost, trying to figure out what's going on, especially after the time skip. It was too overwhelming and rushed. I also suggest you read a few good, published mystery thriller books to get a better idea of everything.

The last thing I'd point out here is the character cards you gave at the end of the chapter. It's not really advisable to do that. Either introduce all the characters like that at the start of the book, before or after the prologue or let the characters reveal their personality and age and all that stuff from your writing rather than using those character cards.

Concept and plot :: 18/25

I really like the concept and plot. I generally lean more towards mystery and thriller and also it's not usual to see such plots in the fanfiction category, that too without the romance aspect. The plot is unique and something fresh. It has a great potential to get even more readers, you just need to work on the execution part. If the execution is good, which includes the whole pace, grammar and writing style, it sets your book apart from the rest of them. I hope you consider my words and work to remove the flaws.

Characters and emotions :: 5/15

There are a lot of characters you are using. When there are a lot of characters, you have to make sure that each character shines equally and not just include them for the sake of including them unless it's the good ole janitor. I feel like, as far as I read, I couldn't see much involvement of a few characters, like Jimin and the cat girl. They feel too disconnected from the story. Also, you didn't properly develop the relationship between the characters. I can't understand if they are friends or colleagues or just forced to work together. You see? You need to develop not only a single story but also work on the story and chemistry between the characters like you did for Jungkook and Taehyung. Same with the emotions. They're not written well enough to get to the readers. I was depending on my own intuition to know what the characters were feeling. Again, my suggestion is to read a good book or take help of a writing guide to get a better idea of how to improve at writing.

Tone and style :: 4/10

For the major part, you are using the first person pov while writing and I noticed you changing the povs quite a lot throughout to show everyone's perspective. While this is good to show what's happening with other characters, changing povs too many times, that too with so many characters involved can get messy. Also, the changing of povs often breaks the link of the readers while reading which eventually leads to the reader losing interest. If you are keen on showing everyone's perspective, I suggest you to either write the whole book in third person pov or don't change the povs more than twice in one chapter, whatever you feel comfortable writing but it's never too bad to experiment.

As for your tone, it needs a bit more work to keep the readers reading. It can be difficult to write in a way that feels amazing to read and transforms you to a different world but it's not impossible. You just have to put in some extra effort to make your writing more interesting.

Grammar :: 10/20

Your grammar needs a bit of work. The first noticeable thing regarding grammar is the overuse of punctuation marks and ellipsis(. . .). You don't have to repeat all the punctuation marks you use twice. Using them once is okay, using more than once is grammatically incorrect. Also, the amount of ellipses; you've used them in almost every sentence unnecessarily. Ellipsis (. . .) is mostly used to show a sentence or someone trailing off. It is also used when creating suspense over an action but you are overusing it and it only leads to unappealing visuals and stress to the readers’ eyes. So, i really suggest you to put your book through heavy editing to remove all these extra punctuation marks, the ellipses and add a few commas here and there to make it grammatically correct. I also suggest you to use apps like grammarly for the grammar and thesaurus for vocabulary to improve even more.

TOTAL :: 47/100