Memoirs of Prince Nathaniel
1st Day Of Selection Of Hope

Dear Memoir

It is the first day of the selection, nervous has been an understatement, not even the rain could cool down the anxiety pulsing through my veins. However, I soon came to the realization that they are just people, pure humans, like me... There has not been any spark that warmed my heart at the sight of seeing all of them, well that would not be entirely true.

Then again, it is too cold for anyone here, in my heart. I would not be able to hold someone and tell her that I will be there for her, when all I am is a man, one who’s been through the toughest of times. My gravity’s centre and all I can think about is who will leave me next... There is no one I can tell the truth to. Without it being a weird encounter, the silence deafening or someone completely not knowing who I am.

I do not think anyone in this selection has reached a phase where the romance books are justified. At least not with me. It saddened me at the truth but some of them were rather mysterious and not giving away their true intentions were like a bombshell. I’ve been told to enter this with an open mind and most importantly an open heart, yet a selected already sees me as a friend, which is alright, yet I see no point in her being here if she already views me that way, ignoring the idealism that friends can become great lovers. I am not searching for a lover; I am searching for a wife and bearer of my children.

Based on my feelings I will not spend any time persuading her otherwise. I cannot. Not knowingly, enter into such an engagement especially if I am to have children therefore that eliminates one, that is, unless her perspective changes or some sort of miracle happens.

There is a sunlit side of things; surprisingly the touch that steadied my heart was a gentle gesture, someone gentle. I had not expected it, as I have not experienced being considered as fragile in years. Her melodious soft chuckles are still stuck at the back of my head along with her passionate talks which could not be disguised by the falling droplets of rain and cold air that permeated throughout the palace walls. I had been an utter idiot for leaving but I had too... before IT happened again.

Heindrick’s delusional idea of love at first sight was completely out of question and it was particularly made clearer by the awkward encounters I have had as well. Another encounter had laid before my eyes twice, the request to use their nicknames, I refrained from doing so, not to be formal, but because their names were beautiful and was in no need of shortening. Although one had already gained a nickname and I am in no denial of saying that I felt quite comfortable around her as we joked about and that her blue eyes could place me under a spell if stared at too long.

Another, I was in awe to meet; she was rather peculiar, mysterious and somehow remained in touch with reality through it all.

Alas, at the end the selected I want, is not a selected, I want a wife, one that will make me believe in something that I do not, love. The person I choose will be the bearer of my children, yet if I do not allow my broken heart to be opened, could it ever be mended. Could someone like me, even be capable of raising a child, someone with anxiety attacks, someone who still gets flashbacks of his parents dying, someone living with fear of losing more than what he already has, someone who doesn’t even know what he is worth at the end of the day?