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To be fair, supper wasn't nearly as suffocating as I expected it to be.

Mother didn't pay much attention to my outfit as she was more intent on fussing over Sana's appearance. Sana didn't mind, in fact, I believe she was basking in all the attention. However, when I suggested that possibility, she was prompt to chuck a shoe my way and I was the first in our party to be escorted to the supper table.

On a normal occasion, perhaps I wouldn't have minded, but as it so happens Bangchan was also an early arrival. I could tell he was trying to be friendly and wanted to speak to me like we used to, but it was painfully dreadful for me to try to keep up the appearance of who I was supposed to be.

I never liked to hide who I was, and though I may be seen as cold, I was always truthful and honest. But talking to him now nearly felt suffocating, trying to hide the main truth to my heart that made up a majority of who I am.

When the others arrived, I gladly moved away from him, missing the forlorn look that passed his face and indulging in a safe spot a considerable distance away from him and my feelings.

The meal started pleasantly, after all, there are no secrets between friends and that was what our family was. Being such a long time apart, we recounted old memories, past sayings, and mistakes. It was prudent for our mothers to bring to mind the moment Bangchan and I first met. Whereas my embarrassment was clear and dreadfully obvious, Bangchan's and Sana's glee at the story only added fuel to the fire.

It was comfortable and normal and reminded me of something I thought would be forgotten forever. I almost didn't notice the pain in my chest when I glanced Bangchan's and Sana's way. 

They were seated together, a clear attempt to reconcile some attraction between the two. I can't say it was a failed attempt, after all, they looked good together. There was no awkwardness, and they fed off each other's conversation almost as though it was as easy as breathing. With the smile Sana continuously sent his way, I could tell that any doubt she had before was disappearing.

It should have been a happy thought but it lingered with me for the majority of the night.

In any case, you could say the evening was a splendid success.

However, when the discussion turned to the topic of my father, I couldn't stand it.

As soon as Bangchan's mother brought up his name, my blood went cold. My mother stiffened beside me and Sana nearly dropped her fork. Perhaps she meant well, but I wouldn't know considering the way everything else faded to an annoying blurry roar. I was faintly aware of Bangchan trying to request his mother to be more considerate, but I was already standing from my seat.

I could feel all eyes on me, and my mother's hand enclosing around my wrist. A clear sign for me to stay, but she and I both knew I couldn't. I had to escape, the way I always do. The way I have always done when I am too afraid to face something on my own.

I mumbled a pathetic excuse and left the table.

The room that was once bright and warm now dark and cold.

Now I sit in a secluded area of the royal gardens. Absent-mindedly, I play with a leaf from a nearby bush, the veins that give it life fascinating me in my numb wonder. Honestly, I don't know why I came here of all places. It reminds me of him so much to a point where I can almost swear I hear his voice in the faint breeze.

"It's nice to know you remembered."

At the leap my heart does within my carefully locked cage, I know that it's him. I turn to him, almost reluctantly and he smiles, those dimples appearing so faithfully in his smooth cheeks. 

"Chan."

If it was at all possible, the smile seems to brighten at the sound of his name protruding from my lips, and I find it hard to calm my heart. If he keeps this up, I may have a heart attack by the end of the night.

"May I sit?"

A silly request considering my answer to him will always be a positive one.

"Of course."

I scoot over on the bench, just enough space between us so that we are not touching. Luckily, it is a big bench and Bangchan knows when to keep his distance. Or rather, he knows when he's willing.

We sit there like that for a moment, only silence between us and the faint sound of crickets in the distance. It's almost ridiculous that this simple moment makes me happy enough to last my lifetime. 

Seriously, when will I learn to give up this silly fantasy? 

I nearly destroy the leaf in my hands at the aggravation, and naturally, he notices.

"Are you okay?"

Flinching, I turn to him, and noticing the way he looks at the poor leaf, I swallow hard, setting it aside. It's nearly frustrating the way he's able to read my every move as though I were his book to devastate.

"I think so."

"I'm sorry about my mother. I told her to be careful about the topic, but you know how she can be." I smile softly to myself, finding his concern cute and doting. It isn't his apology to make and yet he does so with no hesitation or regret.

Why does he have to be so kind?

"Really Chan, it's alright. I suppose I'm not yet used to the fact that he is gone." I don't think any of us are if I'm being completely honest.

The first month after his passing, Sana was hardly able to leave her bedroom, and mother spent most of her days absently wandering the castle in her numbing grief. I was not provided the luxury of wearing my pain so carelessly on my sleeve. I was relied on to hold them together and make sure they nor the kingdom didn't fall apart in his absence.

Perhaps tonight was the night I felt the urge to finally break.

"Your father was a great man, Luka. I hope you know that you are not alone in your grieving."

If anyone can understand my pain, it would be Chan. His father died shortly after he was born. Whenever we would visit, my father was like the one he never had. Somedays it would make me jealous, but soon enough I understood. Bangchan found comfort in my father's love and it helped him believe he was strong enough to make it on his own.

"Thank you. It's nice to know he meant so much to so many people." Maybe these are words that many people say to accept a kind word or thought, but I sincerely mean them and I know that Bangchan understands that fact.

"Do you remember the first time we came here?" I nod, smiling at the memory as he continues. "I had woken you up because I couldn't sleep and asked you if you wanted to go on an adventure. Naturally, you said no but when I promised a certain caramel candy would be involved you couldn't resist."

"I hope you aren't insulting the greatest sweet ever made," I warn him, promptly giving him the deadliest glare I can muster. He shakes his hand, holding his hands up in surrender. It's hard to keep the frown on my face, but I am a master of hiding my emotions. I should be after years of doing the very same thing.

"Of course not. I would never make that mistake."

I allow myself to laugh, a real laugh this time. Bangchan smiles at the sound, perhaps our encounter before bothered him and made him think I didn't want to be his friend. Though there is some truth to that, I still wish to be close to him, however selfish that may be. I still wish to feel the jump in my throat at his smile, and the warmth in my belly every time he remembers small little facts about me like what candy I prefer or my favorite season.

"When we got here, you wouldn't stop whining. You almost cried because I wouldn't let you go back to bed. I had to practically drag you here." Bangchan recounts almost sighing at the memory of my reluctance. I scoff, rolling my eyes at the exaggeration.

"Oh come on, I wasn't that bad."

"Please, we're lucky the guards didn't wake up because of your screaming."

Rolling my eyes, I shove him to let him know of my embarrassment and he laughs, shying away from the attack but just as quickly moving back to my side.

"After you saw where we were though, you didn't seem to mind that you were losing your beauty sleep. It's funny, I can still remember the way your entire face lit up like the starlit sky." I smile, looking up at the plates of glass that cover the gardens. Exquisitely placed so I have a clear view of the stars twinkling above me.

"I told you that if you ever wanted to hide, you could always come here, to my secret space." Bangchan smiles to himself before he follows my gaze to the sky. "I'm glad you remembered our promise."

I shake my head to myself before looking at him. For a short time when his eyes aren't on me, I admire the childlike wonder in his eyes, the happiness that dots every fabric of his being.

"Of course I did. It was a precious memory, something I wouldn't forget easily."

After all, it was also the moment I realized I loved you.

Bangchan smiles, and as his eyes meet mine, this time I don't look away. I force myself to look his way if only to ease my own fluttering heart and emotions.

"Do you want to know the real reason?" he asks me, leaning a bit closer as though he were sharing a secret. I roll my eyes at the boyish expression.

"Behind what?" I humor him, and that grin widens, the dimples deepening as the glint in his eyes dances jovially.

"I told you about this place because I always knew if I couldn't find you anywhere else, you'd be here waiting for me."

Blinking at the explanation, I swallow the flustered butterflies threatening to escape my esophagus from the turmoil in my heart before I reply. "Why would you need to find me? I would have come if you'd ask."

"I don't know." He answers truthfully before turning back to the stars.

"I suppose even back then I was still afraid of losing you."

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